My kid and notes from Year 4.2
May 13, 2019
Sleep hiccups
JB has been having sporadic nightmares last and this month. It’s been frequent enough that ze has started asking us to sleep with zir because ze doesn’t want to be alone. Ze doesn’t have trouble falling asleep when left alone but there have been quite a few nights when I hear zir calling for one of us (mostly Daddy) because of some disturbance. I reassured zir firmly that I used to have lots of nightmares too when I was little and my parents never came to me because they were too tired, but I understand that nightmares can be scary and will always come if ze calls. (I was too afraid to call them because they were tired but that’s more detail than ze needs.)
I’m pretty sure some of it is fear driven but some of it is a touch of the dramatic. 2 minutes after PiC turned off the lights we heard: Mooommmmyyyyyy I’m having a nightmare!
My child, you have to be asleep to have a nightmare!
Therapy update
There was a pretty serious problem with JB refusing to go to therapy sessions but we didn’t know about it for a while because the therapist picks zir up from the classroom directly and didn’t tell us they’d hit rocky roads. When she finally did share it with us, we formulated a new plan. We talked to zir about what ze was feeling about the sessions (possibly boredom, possibly ze prefers group sessions). We didn’t tell zir that needs to not be bored with them, because that’s a valid feeling and I’m not in the business of telling zir not to have valid feelings. Instead we discussed the fact that they still had value for zir even if they weren’t always a lot of fun, so we needed to make an effort to make this work. Like chores, sometimes there are things we have to do even if we don’t love doing them, so we have to find a way.
Our solution: Ze would have the opportunity to earn a special reward sticker, redeemable for the value of $1 for the book fair, every therapy day that ze voluntarily greeted the therapist on zir own and went to have a session in good faith. We’ve only had one hiccup since then but, where ze usually readily admits when ze does something wrong, ze seemed to think that ze DID greet the therapist in a timely manner. I think that’s where there is an occasional discrepancy in the passage of time in a 4 year old’s head versus that of an adult, but also they do need more time to change gears and adjust than we realize from the outside. I am very guilty of forgetting about that! When I tell JB to do something, like my parents and elders did, I expect zir to hop to it right away. But my idea of “NOW” is not the same as that of a 4 year old and it’s important to remember that.
Friendships
Ze will have been with this cohort for 18 months by the time they graduate this class and ze hasn’t made one keeper friend. This probably isn’t unusual, the rest of the kids mostly seem to socialize opportunistically as ze does but it does make for some sad moments when I see zir reach out to engage and be rejected or ignored because that particular kid isn’t interested in zir at the moment. On the other hand, taking the long term view, it seems to teach zir to gracefully handle rejection and respecting other people’s boundaries. I see zir walk away from those brush offs without much visible emotion and that’s an improvement over the past outbursts that may have occurred otherwise.
I do wonder how it’s influencing zir personality insofar as needing attention and craving social approval. Ze’s been asking to bring things to school to share with friends as social currency, and it took me a while to understand it as such rather than thinking about it as “bringing toys to school”. They have free choice periods during the day, so ze is allowed to bring books and little things to class with the rules that they’re only allowed out during free choice time, and can’t be taken outside for recess.
JB made one keeper friend back in the 18 month class and they’ve been fast friends ever since, we see each other several times a year even though they went to separate classes two years ago. They think about each other and miss each other when it’s been too long. I know that Bestie also hasn’t made any friends to write home about either so this may be perfectly normal. I wouldn’t know, I was very much an introvert from birth (and a misanthrope before I knew the word).
Maybe we’re not meant to have friends we keep forevermore starting this young. Thinking back, I made my first real friend in second grade. I didn’t become real friends with anyone else until junior high or high school.
Phrasing
I’ve noticed JB choosing “I wish …” more instead of whining and/or demanding. We made frozen treats one weekend and I gave PiC and our lunch guest two of them, and only gave JB one. Ze plaintively said under zir breath, “I wish I could taste one more …” and it tickled me.
Sharing
How do you encourage sharing in your younguns? How did you learn to share?
I’m trying to figure out how to encourage sharing AND respecting of property by having JB choose toys for sharing and toys for keeping to oneself when we are going to be with other kids. The goal is to let zir learn to assert zir boundaries firmly and politely, but also learn that when we play with others, we are going to need to share some things.
Precious Moments
Please make up your mind!
JB: I made this for you but I’m not telling you about it because it’s a surprise. I put two papers in there but I’m not telling you what’s in there. You can’t look. Look at thiiiiis Mom! I’m kidding you. It’s for me. It’s for you. It’s for all of us.
Me: I ….
Not quite ALL
Uno, dos, trace, cuatro, cinco, say-es, siete, ocho, noove, dayiz! I KNOW ALL THE SPANISH!
Projects
JB: I’m making name tags for everyone so you all know what your names are. It will be for … MOMMY! And DADDY! I’m on it. I’m reawwy on it.
It’s a date
JB: When I wash my hands, I’m going to come give you a hug while you’re sitting down. Make sure you don’t get up.
I speak JB
JB: Can I watch one in and out and in and out and through the tunnel and zigzag video, dat one?
Me: Dog agility?
JB: YES!
No comment
JB: Kids are stronger than babies. Babies are just little. They don’t turn themselves into monsters, not really.
Turned that one around on me
Me: It’s time to lay down. Bring some of your activities so you can play while I rest.
*20 minutes later* JB: You can still work.
Me: You’re not ready yet?
JB: Yes, I’m not ready yet. I’m still cutting out my stickers for my bed.
Me: Oh, ok, I’m waiting on you.
JB: I’m going to cut all these out and den we can go. Den you can rest which is fair because you don’t get to rest dat much. *change of heart* Maybe I can invite Daddy.
Me: To play with you? But it’s my turn to play with you.
JB: No, you got to do many many activities wif me. Daddy only got to do a little. It’s his turn. Betuz I don’t get to see Daddy dat much. So now it’s Daddy’s turn.
Me: I see you have a whole narrative happening here.
Words have meaning
JB: Duck and bluck rhyme.
Me: yep. (What’s bluck? No one knows)
JB: duck and f*ck rhyme.
Me: YESTHEYDOBUTPLEASEDONOTSAYTHATATSCHOOL
Hangry
JB: what do we have for dessert?
Me: nothing. You ate all the dessert.
JB: I want dessert
Me: if you’re still hungry, eat more dinner. There’s chicken, tofu, or cucumbers.
JB: *whines for ten minutes*
Me, exasperated: you can have dessert chicken, dessert tofu or dessert cucumbers.
JB: DESSERT CUCUMBERS! *eats all the cucumbers*
Dessert cucumbers = lol! Fruit salad is yummy; we just mix chopped bananas & apples (& any other fruit on hand) with enough vanilla yogurt to coat. And I bet JB would enjoy helping you slice up the banana.
We’ve had some success with encouraging discussions about what dreams we want to have tonight, or imagining happier endings to scary dreams. It helps give the kiddo confidence since it puts them back in the driver’s seat. May I offer a gentle suggestion? Reassuring JB that you can sympathize because you had nightmares too is very supportive, but telling zhim that your parents didn’t/couldn’t help you might not be something necessary to share yet. Emotional burdens are ours to carry, not theirs. Just food for thought.
Sharing: We put special or fragile toys away in a closet before friends come over. That helps remove any too-valuable items from contention. Suggestions to set out some toys the friend might like playing with helps too. I read an interesting point once that we should respect that kids feel about their possessions the way we adults feel about ours. If someone offers me the chance to make a donation or loan my van to a family member, I feel empowered and willing – but if someone forced me to hand over my wallet or car keys, I would be feeling victimized not generous!
JB hasn’t been able to remember zir nightmares so far but thankfully they’re also tapering off.
The part that was trauma to ME was the actual nightmares, I didn’t think that my parents not helping was so I sure hope ze didn’t think of it that way (if ze thought of it at all!)
Putting special toys away is a good idea. I definitely bear in mind that what we’re teaching kids about sharing should reflect what we eventually would expect as adults. Our guidance is a little more along the lines of “you do have to choose SOME things to share because what else are your friends going to play with??” Unfortunately the battle we’re fighting at the moment is a total and complete selfishness about ALL toys which makes having playdates seem pretty useless. If you’re just going to be SMAUG about every toy, what’s the point of a playdate?
Oof, yeah, that’s a difficult phase! Meeting on neutral territory like a park sometimes helps, and sometimes art supplies are a bit easier to provide duplicates of. But mostly it just takes gritted teeth.
OMG yes I do buy duplicates of art supplies but NATURALLY anything I have duplicates of? They’re not interested in. /headdesk
Re: Friends–Baguette met her Bestie when they were both babies in day care, and they continue to be close even now that they are at different schools (we are also very close with Bestie’s parents, so we all make an effort to get together semi-regularly). Bestie’s mom and I both commented at the time that we had no idea kids could form peer friendships that young. I don’t think it’s typical, though, unless there are circumstances that keep them together. I suspect that’s unlikely even in a smaller community than ours.
Re: Sharing–We talk about it, but we emphasize turn-taking a lot more. Years ago I read that kids understood the idea of taking turns much more easily than the idea of sharing, and we’ve gone with that.
Re: Bad dreams–I don’t know what your stance on screentime is, but the Pajanimals have a good song from their first set of shorts that is about bad dreams, and we try to use some of that language when we talk to Baguette about her bad dreams (which she can’t really tell us about, unfortunately). Does JB use a nightlight? Baguette was able to tell us that, yes, she is afraid of the dark, so we have a puck light on her night stand that we turn on when we turn off other lights in her room.
That’s a good point – I am not sure when kids *typically* form those kinds of friendship.
I grew up with this odd notion that every kid forms that sort of best friendship early on in life, no idea where I got that from, but I always thought something was wrong with me that I hadn’t done that.
Hm, I think our sharing is a mix of taking turns and ceding temporary possession which is KIND of the same thing as taking turns. But we could emphasize the turn taking more too.
We allow limited screen time on the weekends – do you approve of Pajanimals? Ze doesn’t have a night light but ze hasn’t expressed any worries about the dark, just the actual dreams that come with sleep so far.
“I wish I could taste one more…” Noooo, too precious.
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I KNOW it makes me laugh.
“Our solution: Ze would have the opportunity to earn a special reward sticker, redeemable for the value of $1 for the book fair, every therapy day that ze voluntarily greeted the therapist on zir own and went to have a session in good faith.”
Is there anything more exciting to a youngster than a book fair? Wow, I loved seeing all the stacks of books when I was a kid. Heck, I still get excited seeing them now with my children.
Book fairs aside, one of our children struggled with various issues and was in therapy for a while. There were some difficult, difficult times, but one day, the levee broke and everything got better. I hope the same happens for you.
“Ze will have been with this cohort for 18 months by the time they graduate this class and ze hasn’t made one keeper friend. ”
This makes me really sad, but again, maybe I have good news. One of our children struggled socially for a long time (our other one makes millions of friends instantly). Anyway, I noticed that with the one that struggled, it got better over time. Up until the 4th grade, she didn’t really have any good friends. But then, 5th grade came and it all changed. Now she has a lot of friends. One observation is that some of her best friends now are ones that always went to the same school. It just took a while for their personalities to bloom. Once that happened, they gelled and act like they’ve known each other for years.
Another observation is that our kid who had a hard time making friends has always been a thoughtful, compassionate child. Aside from the fights with her sister, she’s always seemed to be a bit more mature than the other kids. I hope I don’t seem like I’m bragging here because while everyone develops at a different pace, I think we all end up roughly in the same place. In any case, I think she kinda had to wait for the other kids to catch up to her.
Book fair is still exciting to US! We all get to pick a book 😀
Thank you, I think that since we struck the bargain ze has found a renewed spirit of cooperation for the therapy sessions and I’m taking heart from that.
I probably worry a little bit more than I should about the social aspect, especially since ze is so young and still has much developing to do, because I remember so clearly being a bit of a misfit.
Your observation doesn’t sound like bragging at all. Some kids are just those kids, a bit more mature. Someone’s got to to do it 🙂
And in the grand scheme of things, we all do generally end up approximately in the same places, don’t we?
I guess this is a solid lesson in not sweating the small stuff.
Dealing with the whining is so hard, my toddler is starting to whine for stuff too and it’s so hard to try and stay your ground!
Sharing is easy right now I just tell him to ‘share!’ and I say “this is not yours” and he seems okay right now but I’m sure that will change shortly in a few months.
I had a kid (I think she might be 2-3?) tell me “NOOO!! THIS IS MINE MINE MINE!!!” and yanked one of the four baby dolls away from me when I was trying to hand it to my son haha.
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Yeah, sharing was a lot easier when they were younger but it got a lot harder after 3.
Kids are so uncivilized when they’re young, civilizing them is such a job XD