My kids and notes: Year 8.9
November 15, 2023
Life with JB
Sometimes it’s hard to get out of the way as a parent. Meaning: I have all these hopes and dreams for JB as to the kind of person they will be and we are responsible for molding their sense of right and wrong. Sometimes the feeling responsible for their moral compass gets a little mixed up with who they are as people. I’m trying to unpick those. HOW they address a right and a wrong should be more in line with who they are. Our job is to make sure they know that they need to address wrongs.
Put another way: It was easier to appreciate how very much their own person they are when they were only 3 and 4 years old. Now that they’re making real choices that have bigger consequences, it feels less natural to take a step back and give them the freedom to make their own mistakes. I still firmly believe they need to at this age, it’s just harder to fight the opposing instinct that comes up telling me to teach teach teach. A beloved mentor advised me to work on building the relationship, not on teaching the lessons, but that’s probably my very weakest skill.
For example, my internal response to this moment in the League of Superpets movie:
Captured? By whom? Who are your allies and what are your resources? You must be here to put together the rescue plan!
The actual reply from a DOG CHARACTER (yes yes, written by humans but STILL) was totally counterintuitive to me:
I have a lot of work to do on myself because that literally never occurred to me as a possible response. You have a problem, you come to me, clearly you want me to fix the problem.
It’s very limiting! I know that but, as a parent, I haven’t built the chops to care more about the feelings than the fix yet. I’m still learning how to do that in just regular life stuff. It’s a work in progress.
School drop off has changed dramatically this year. Last year we’d run into 3-5 parents we knew most days. Sometimes we’d stop and chat a little. This year we don’t usually see anyone at all. One set of parents moved, so we know why they’re not there, but I’m not sure why we don’t see any of the other parents now. Also I had the weirdest twinge of guilt when we did run across one parent who was only there because she was volunteering to help.
Life with Smol Acrobat
We can cross off “panicking about pneumonia” off our parenting bingo card. Not a block I had any interest in checking but here we are. They’ve been in hyper-cranky mode for two solid weeks this month. It’s less than ideal. Everything is “no no no no no!” and bursting into hysterical tears when we tell them no.
When not sick: they’re starting to come up with mischievous answers to questions. JB asked them what their name is. They replied with MY real name. EXCUSE me??
It’s been a tough month with them.
Pupdate
Sera has entered her version of Bossy Old Dog life. When one of us is taking too long to go to bed, she’ll wander to the office door and stare until you make eye contact, then go back to one of her beds. If we’re being TOO oblivious, she’ll take an amazingly long time to circle and circle and circle her bed some more before she thumps down very loudly and pointedly. She’s also in her Era of Communicating only in Groans. No more huffing or yodeling at me, which is a shame. I like her yodel.
She’s also started patiently waiting for me to get to my desk and start working before she settles down. This is a polite echo of Seamus’s habit years ago. He used to yodel-scold me when he thought I was taking too long to get to work. Sera’s not vocally impatient about it but I feel just as guilty keeping her waiting.
Precious Moments
JB: We have a party at Auntie and Uncle’s on Saturday??
Me: DADDY has a party at Auntie and Uncle’s. You do not.
JB: ….. AWW!! Why not?
Me: Kids are not invited. Their place is too small to have a party with kids.
JB: It’s an adults only party?
Me: Yep. So you, me and Smol are home together that night.
JB: ….. *wheels turning, maybe pulling up the memory of the last time 3 years ago they pitched a 2-hour unholy fit that PiC was going out to a working dinner with a dear friend without us and how that absolutely torpedoed their chances at having a movie and popcorn dinner night which I explained the next day when they’d calmed down enough to listen* …..
Me: ….. *remembering the same thing* …..
JB: Can WE do something special at home too?
Me: Yeah, let me think about it.
This is funnier if you’ve read Blood Heir (amazon affiliate link; bookshop affiliate link). They haven’t so I don’t know where this is game coming from but they think it’s hilarious, too.
JB: Does Mommy have a wristband?
Smol: No no no! *giggles*
JB: Does Daddy have a wristband?
Smol: No no no! *giggles*
JB: Does JB have a wristband?
Smol: No no no! *giggles*
JB: Does Smol have a wristband?
Smol: No no no! *giggles*
JB: Does Sera have a wristband?
Smol: No no no! *giggles*
Smol: Does Mommy have wristband?
JB: No no no! *giggles*
Smol: Does Daddy have wristband?
JB: No no no! *giggles*
Smol: Does JB have wristband?
JB: No no no! *giggles*
Smol: Does Sera have wristband?
JB: No no no! *giggles*
Smol: Does Smol have wristband?
JB: No no no! *giggles*
Smol Acrobat monologues
Wet’s go outside wittle bit! wet’s go find the street sweeper! Maybe dey comin now? Wet’s go wook.
My ears wet. I need COVID test.
I made cake for you, you want some cake? Come here here’s pie! Wook! I can weach! I get tall and tall and tall!
Smol: yummm
Me: yum
Smol: no, YOU don say yum, I say yum!
I think it’s ok if you model solving problems instead of modeling sympathy. I think the world needs both types of people and both types of responses. And that’s ok! Both are well in line with good parenting. Relationships and lessons are both fine! Heck, being a relaxed parent and being an anxious parent, those are both fine too, though being more relaxed is definitely easier on the parent.
Here’s what your point of comparison should be: http://delagar.blogspot.com/2023/11/terrible-parenting.html That’s what actual bad parenting looks like. And a lot of those kids will still turn out ok even with the horrible parenting, because parenting is just one factor of how people turn out. But you’re nowhere near that– you are already a good parent. You cannot be a better parent, only a slightly different parent. You are already doing a great job.
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You make a good point. I think my feelings were rooted in not wanting to treat my kids the way I was raised because I know how stunted it’s left me emotionally. Not the being a problem solver part, the part where that’s the only way I’m capable of seeing a problem. It’s still really hard for me to see the emotional angle and that causes friction and frustration for both of us.
And Wow are those fundamentalist type parents just awful!
It’s so hard to set yourself apart from your usual parenting style and role to think of using a different answer or approach! Of course you slip into fix mode, it’s been your life for … forever?
It has! As I read your reactions/comments, I realize it’s not that fixing is bad. It’s just that I am developing a feel for the feelings part of things so very slowly.
“A beloved mentor advised me to work on building the relationship, not on teaching the lessons, but that’s probably my very weakest skill.” This is essentially the message of parenting approaches/advice today. Which I, having not received that at all as a kid, am very inclined to agree with.
“You have a problem, you come to me, clearly you want me to fix the problem.” Yep – I struggle with this too! Am now thinking of myself as a coach to everyone in my life (kids, friends etc) which helps – I ask questions and guide so they can figure out answers/solution.
I know I can’t be a perfect parent but I sure do hate the feeling that I’m THIS BAD at it.
Coaching is a much better way to look at it though!