June 4, 2025
Life with JB
Tangentially related to the luxury goods issue I’m seeing discussed online: JB & I discussed perceived & actual wealth recently. They felt like their classmates make them feel poor sometimes. Maybe by comparison we are, I don’t know! I’ve definitely compared our spending choices and noticed big differences. But I’m old enough, and in control enough of our spending, for that to be idle curiosity, rather than feeling bad about our own actual wealth vs their perceived wealth.
I pointed out to JB that real wealth gives you choices and the “right” choices will vary from family to family. Perceived wealth matters in some situations but it’s been a long while since it mattered in our lives.
Our choices revolve around our family traditions and helping folks, though we don’t advertise the latter to anyone offline. Folks online know we do this stuff because we rally the online community to help.
I also like to err on the side of scruffy-presenting because I like to be underestimated and also it’s revealing to me if people treat you differently when they think you’re poorer than they are.
We don’t own luxury brands (except my inherited Hermes scarf that I never wear b/c I’m QUITE sure I can’t pull it off) because we don’t value them or what they signal. Their signaling is quite the opposite of what I want to communicate. Also they’re not sufficiently greater quality than any moderately well made equivalent to be worth it from a quality perspective. We use things to death because it’s better for the environment and because it’s cheaper. Both reasons are high priorities. My Swiss Army backpack and suitcase of 20+ years do the job. Neither were prohibitively expensive, they don’t scream anything at all, and they are still going strong. Ticks all my boxes.
Flash-oriented relatives think we’re poor because of this. That’s ok! I like to fly under the radar. Aside from family money trauma where it’s just prudent not to become the Family Bank, it doesn’t bring us any specific happiness to know this chef was rated such and such on this or that list. I just want to enjoy good food, have a safe home and financial stability, and be able to help folks out. I hope that these moments for JB are few and far between because we’re never going to be the people who prioritize someone else’s perception over our own happiness.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat declared their favorite color: blue, pink, purple, red. And orange. And black.
Pretty sure green and yellow only got left out because they were distracted.
Pupdate
It’s going to be months before we can adopt a pup. I’m using this time to both save our pennies, and search for a good rescue. I’d like another pitbull, they’re the sweetest of misunderstood breeds, so we’re trying to locate a rescue that seems to be responsible, fosters them out and generally knows what they’re handling. We love other breeds too but they’re more popular which pits are still unfairly judged, so we want to stick with them a while. My hope is that even if the rescue isn’t local, we’ll be able to convince them to adopt to us if we find a good potential fit.
Precious Moments
Once in a looong while, I let Smol Acrobat bunk with me. It’s less frequent because they make it very hard for me to sleep. But JB has been bunking with me. So then I have two extra logs in my bed.
Ok, SmolAc, when you wake up, who do you wake up?
JB.
Right. Not me.
Because you will be vewwy tired.
YEP.
*****
SmolAc, whining: Can I have dis (my toasted and cream cheese laden) bagel?
Me: You can have that now only if you put away the utensils without whining right after you’re done eating.
SmolAc: what if I do dem now so I don’t haf to do dem wayter?
Me: WHAT IF! Brilliant plan, go ahead. well worth having to wait for another bagel for myself.
*****
Your teef are going to break!
What? What do you mean??
I see dem! Dey are dented! Dey will break!
*****
After an unsuccessful hide and seek, Smol Acrobat was angry that JB wouldn’t give up their best hiding spot. I offered them bubble wrap to pop as a consolation. This was great but “Baby elephant is SAD. Baby elephant can’t pop bubble wrap because her hands are not very strong. I’m giving her space because she’s sad.”
Oh, ok.
“Baby elephant, how do you feel? You’re ok? Ok, baby elephant is not sad anymore! Baby elephant wants to go wif me.”
Baby elephant: I’m still a widdle angry. About my job.
WHAT JOB, baby elephant?
June 2, 2025
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 6, Day 35: How many times did I have to remind myself that it was Monday? So many. On the one hand, holiday. On the other hand, much needed day to deal with this truckload of absolute WTFery that landed at my doorstep Sunday. Someone we met several years ago was snatched by ICE and the family’s been at their wit’s end not knowing what to do. They’ve tried retaining lawyers and the first one just gave up and the second one was scammy and useless. I’ve known of the family but they’ve not had any occasion to be familiar with us before yesterday when I heard the news and immediately asked more knowledgeable people for a bit of advice. It’s been a whirlwind of work since: talking to various family members trying to reach a bilingual adult who could answer questions and give me enough information to reach out for help.
Yesterday’s focus was on getting in touch with elected officials’ staffers and getting sufficient information from the family to work with. I was up til midnight on calls and collating information from those calls.
Today’s focus was running down every possible lead for a new lawyer, looking for community org support in dumping the scammy lawyer, and scanning in their paperwork so they have electronic copies. I’ve worked out an agreement with the family that I’d write all the emails, they will do the follow-up phone calls.
We’ve sent out dozens of requests for legal assistance in hopes that one of these sources might have capacity to help.
I feel like a jerk for struggling to feel hope. There are just too many bad things happening in this area right now for me to feel like any of these efforts will pay off. We have to try but knowing that a raft of CA immigration judges were fired as recently as last month and knowing from our House rep’s staffer that ICE frequently deports instead of responding to information requests from Members of Congress, it’s hard to feel like any of these will pan out.
Year 6, Day 36: I spent half the day corresponding with MoC staffers and fielding the email replies from the people we contacted. One person was actually helpful.
We’re combing the area for lawyers, the ones that the local Rapid Response team recommended aren’t answering their phones or if they do answer, they’re too busy to help. The local immigration activist org helped a little. They looked at documents and gave us some basic assessment advice but they’re too overloaded to help. One of the three local attorneys recommended by the Rapid Response team had someone answering phones, everyone else’s numbers just went to voicemail, and I did an intake with them for the family. Then we got a response from a highly recommended firm, that one seemed very promising and we set up an appointment for tomorrow. The local attorney finally got back to us – they’re too busy to take the case. Figures. It’s a hellscape. We’re all on tenterhooks.
Year 6, Day 37: Our neighbor is currently obsessed with the Cascadia Subduction Zone. She’s not concerned for herself, she’s worried for her next two generations. I’ve known and worried about this myself but to the point of buying earthquake insurance, not to the point where she is now: she’s pushing her adult children to sell their homes and move somewhere out of the subduction zone. Hawaii will sink! Alaska will too! We need to MOVE before it happens!
I get it. The worst case scenario is really bad. But we have no idea when this might hit and the impossibility of getting a timeline makes that uprooting feel almost unreasonable. They have jobs, multiple kids thriving in different schools, all involved in their various activities. They’d have to start all over if they were to pick up and leave. I’m not arguing with her, I just see that it’s really hard to justify that level of change in the face of a possible terrible natural disaster someday. I don’t doubt that it’s likely coming, we just have no idea when it’s happening.
I got curious and I found a recent study – it must be the press from this that has her in a lather, she hit all the highlights of this study when describing the potential of the disaster.
Year 6, Day 38: We got to the point of having a real lawyer to retain and the ICE pulled a fast one. He was moved in the middle of the night without warning, and without telling notification to his kin where he’s being sent. None of the ICE detention center or field office phone numbers are in service. The locator site is vague and has no information. I’ve been at a loss for what else to do. I keep wishing I’d known about this last week thinking, look at what we’ve been able to muster in 4 days, two of which were weekend/holidays. If we had known when he’d been detained, we could have done more, faster. We were so close.
Eventually it occurred to me that this timing was suspicious. He had an appointment at the detention center with a scammy lawyer that was just there to bilk the family on Friday. We scrambled to get a legit lawyer in place before Friday so they could see him instead. What if they always would have done this? What if it only took this long for them to deport because they knew he didn’t have competent legal counsel in place, they only shipped him out now because his legal representation was supposed to show up. My reddit savvy friend said that’s very likely, they’re seeing this trend reported. And we know their flagrant disregard for due process. People who are legitimately following all the rules and showing up to immigration court are being grabbed from the courts even if they’ve had successful hearings. There is a complete disregard for anyone’s rights.
Now we’re pressing the Congressional staffers to help us find out what happened to him. Where is he??
Year 6, Day 39: I had such a good week and a half without scheduled meetings so of course they all hit all at once. Everyone needed me for a call for big and small reasons and I was scrambling from one call to the next. I didn’t manage to escape the vortex for several hours. Woof.
On the bright side, I have been going through old pictures, tagging a specific set, and remembering some good dog memories. It hurts but it’s also joy. I miss these dogs so much. They were such an integral part of the family. It feels like we have multiple dog shaped holes in our lives everywhere we go.
Frustratingly corporate is still holding up my raise. It’s taking so long I’m starting to think I should just go job-hunting to show that my salary is indeed deeply below market and I have other options. Exceeepptt it’s possible the current economy is such that I don’t have other good options. There were some earlier in the year but now? After all the federal cuts? After all the federal grants pulled across a whole lot of Bay Area specific industries? Our friends here last weekend told us they’ve got friends who have now been out of work for a year and counting, and corporate cuts are continuing to impact their circles. The Microsoft layoff was a huge one – 6000 people. Hawaii Planner has been going through the wringer, interviewing. Maybe being patient and exasperated continues to be the better bet.
I find it offensive that articles refer to these layoffs as “trims fat” btw. What the hell is wrong with y’all? Cutting people because you let crappy AI take over their jobs isn’t trimming fat. Also I’m so sick of the AI race. It’s brought nothing but garbage, fraud, more fraud, and more work for my company with zero gain. The corporation has handed down an edict that we use their crap AI tool because that’s supposed to benefit the company by 15% but it’s certified crap – it never gives the right information and it never identifies the sources of the bad information. So if you’re credulous enough to ask it for factual information and don’t fact check, you get the wrong answer every single time. The only thing worse than my sense of direction!
Sigh. Lots of ups and downs this week but mostly downs. I would really appreciate a shift in the winds.
EDIT TO ADD: I tried to answer N&M’s comment but the WordPress app is acting up. I would have to set up the GFM for fundraising and I don’t have time or bandwidth to manage that right now so if anyone would like to help out, we can use my Lakota links with the note “For Jose” for now:
Venmao: @RK-Tillman
PayPal: ruthtillman@gmail.com
Cashapp: $ruthkt