September 10, 2025
Life with JB
JB has been unusually clingy with me lately, constantly wanting to hold my hand (which leads to fights with Smol Acrobat over the hand they want to hold), constantly wanting hugs, constantly needing to be in the same room as me when we’re home together. I’m feeling smothered this summer.
I was mildly horrified by my therapist’s suggestion that this is partly because JB might be emulating me now but she may be right. Dammit. I don’t know what to make of that, they’ve been PiC’s kid so long.
They’re also moving out of their mostly pink and purple but generally rainbow (never black) stage into a solids and black with sparkles stage. (SmolAc is fimly in their own rainbow stage.)
Life with Smol Acrobat
Remember when I used to gripe that I couldn’t even have private bathroom time because the dogs would always open the door and stare at me until I came out? Well, I found something worse. I opened the door late at night to a Smol Acrobat just standing there, silently. I about jumped out of my skin! “WHAT are you DOING THERE??” They were upset that a stuffy was not in its appointed place, but PiC was asleep so they couldn’t complain to him.
We’ve been dealing with their little temper tantrums, generally short but very intense, when they don’t like an answer they’ve been given. I thought they’d grow out of that intense reaction, but nope. It’s going to take a lot more active adjusting. I’ve been telling them calmly (most of the time. Sometimes less calmly) that they need to use their words to ask for what they want instead of stomping their feet and snarling like a rabid cougar. (Mistyped that as rabbit cougar and now I’m going on of that tangent.) They are very resistant in the moment but I’m seeing some improvement day to day. Usually when told to go start their shower routine, if I stick with mine instead of PiC’s, they snarl and wail. After a solid week of firmness, they asked if they could do it the other way ’round instead and I agreed “because you asked so politely”. It’s slow but we’re making tiny steps of progress.
Precious Moments
SmolAc trying very hard to get their way: Can we eat our snack? I’m just asking. If you say no, den I will say “yes, mommy“.
****
PiC told SmolAc to go “Say good night, and you’re not coming back for another round of good nights!”
“Ok!” SmolAc happily replies. Then proceeds with his good nights: “Good night leggy. Good night toe-y. Good night other leggy. Good night other toe-y. Good night eyebrows. Good night cheek. Good night other cheek. Good night nose. Good night ears. Good night chin.”
****
JB was minding SmolAc for me during one of my flares. OH: I won by a couple hundred points.
SmolAc: You won? So, I woose (lose)?
JB: Yeah.
SmoAc: Aw.
****
PiC: mom’s work friends are probably already here.
JB, listening: I hear them laughing. They’re probably making jokes with curse words.
Me: oh like you haven’t heard those words before.
August 13, 2025
Life with JB
It’s really a shame that the kiddo JB spends the most time with comes from a family where the parents are clearly in a shitty relationship. The mom is very sweet and kind but the dad is pure crap. She’s always trying to be complimentary about him but the amount of effort, all her softening language, and what she ends up sharing all tell me is that she’s been making excuses for him to herself and others for a very long time. She clearly doesn’t hear herself. “He loves the kids but he doesn’t want to spend time with them” can’t possibly add up to “he’s a good dad.” I don’t see how he can be if he only likes to spend time with their pictures, won’t parent, actively undermines the person who IS parenting them right in front of the kids, and also voted for Trump. That last one consigns him to the asshole bin completely, in my book. Though he was already there with all the other things.
All that to say I don’t ever want JB at their house because I don’t trust that guy one micrometer. PiC is in full agreement. I don’t know how long we can hold that off though. Kiddo is very welcome at ours and always has been perfectly well behaved, and I know they want JB to come to theirs too. But. No.
Were you ever banned from going to anyone’s house growing up (was the reason ever clear to you)? Or been the banning parent/guardian/responsible party?
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat has been so difficult and moody whenever they don’t get their way. It’s especially rough in the mornings when they really don’t want to have to get up, get dressed, go pee, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, or leave.
I know we went through this with JB sometime during Years 2-4. I remember specifically grumbling about how impossible mornings were with them and I know we got through it – mostly because time passed and they changed. But wow is it hard to figure out how to motivate this kid to get going some days. One morning telling them that they were showing me sloth mode, “show me hummingbird mode!” worked. But most tricks really only work once.
****
After an offhanded mention from an autistic friend, which I thought was brilliant, I’ve been loading the utensils by group for two months. Maybe three. SmolAc’s job is to unload the utensils, they do this 2-3 times a week. They’ve JUST noticed: Hey! Forks wif forks on one side, spoons on de other side!
YUP.
****
The trouble with anthropomorphizing the kid’s giraffe flosser is that SOMETIMES you grip the thing wrong and right in the middle of the giraffe grappling with the germs and the gingivitis prevention, you snap the giraffe’s neck. O_O
Precious Moments
SmolAc to their cake: Dis wooks dewishious. I’m going to eat you. Ok? Ok!
SmolAc to me: It said “ok!”
****
SmolAc: I wish I could take a shower first and den play.
Me: Well, if you ate your dinner quickly and showered quickly, you would still have time to.
SmolAc: Well! I have a lot of questions.
Me: About what?
SmolAc: About work and school.
Me: And that’s why you eat slowly?
SmolAc: yes.
Me: ….. Welp. Ok.
****
SmolAc, curiously: Maybe when I’m very very old, wike you, den can I do dat too?
****
SmolAc: Da water is hot but dat is ok, I like hot showers. I want it very warm. When I was three, I didn’t. Or two. Or one. One, I was a baby.
****
SmolAcrobat is angling for a sleepover: I want to sleep wif someone who is ten. LIKE JB!
PiC: I’m 10!
SmolAc: No you’re not! You’re 209!
SmolAc to me: how old are you?
Me: I don’t know, how old am I?
SmolAc: Fifteen hundred!
No wonder they keep saying I’m “really really old”.
July 16, 2025
Life with JB
It’s interesting watching the kids’ relationship develop. Compared to my lived experience, it’s super weird. We insist they treat each other with kindness, fairness and respect. It’s not always easy for them to do but we enforce the same rules for both of them, within age-appropriate reason.
JB has adored SmolAc since birth. (They have declared SmolAc to be “so annoying” about a dozen times over their lifetimes, a quota so low it was met on any single day of my life.) Likewise, SmolAc is deeply attached to JB. They fight and bicker and tattle, of course, but they also, with and without prompting, look for compromises and try to broker peace on their own. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But they do try their best, for whatever variable value of “best” they’re capable of that day.
My brother and I? Feral badgers. We physically brawled over everything. He never wanted me (specifically, me) as a sibling and tried to beat me into the shape he wanted: a brother who was a passive follower. What he got out of that effort was a sister who was exponentially more mean. I started out a fighter and he just honed my fighting technique. Ironically, what he wanted is how I felt inside much of my life as the youngest of most of my cousin groups: I felt like a follower who never had an original thought because so many cousins had already traveled before me, for better or for worse, and had spent my entire lifetime following and/or fighting an older brother who had already done everything before me. My path diverged sharply in high school but I didn’t quite have the perspective to see it then.
I hope that these relatively auspicious beginnings will lead to an equally loving, if occasionally exasperated, adult relationship for the two of them.
Life with Smol Acrobat
SmolAc has inherited my childhood possessiveness. Sitting at the dining table, they yelled, politely, to JB: “JB, could you not snuggle my bear please?! Because I want to.”
Pupdate
I have a semi sort of maybe 2026 (later in the year probably) timeline in mind for adopting a dog. It’s very squishy. It’s more of a anti-timeline. I don’t know when yet, I just know when it’s not (now). I’m using this time to trickle cash in the dog savings and multiple other upcoming spending situations.
Knowing all this, I occasionally go look yearningly at adoptable dogs when I’ve played with zero dogs for too long and just need a dog fix to get by. It’s usually at a safe emotional remove.
Today, however, I poked around because I’d just had a very fun chance meeting with a neighbor’s dog. That’s the exact wrong mood to take into looking at listings. I not only found an awesome local rescue specifically for senior dogs, I’ve fallen for three dogs. I want them. I want to kiss their noses and hug them and pet them and (here’s where PiC says: hi, Elmira! and I do not deny that one bit, YUP THAT’S ME). But I cannot have them all.
We aren’t ready for a new dog, much less three. The kids are older but they are nowhere near helpful enough to assist with three dogs. Their help runs along the lines of feeding them and telling the dogs where to go. We have a roof to replace. We have my Massive Job to wrestle into submission. PiC has to figure out how much effort he’s going to sink into any attempt for a promotion and navigate a labyrinthian bureaucracy. And if that wasn’t enough, completely independent of our professional efforts, both our industries are under serious threat from this administration. (At this point, who isn’t? Outside the broligarchy, that is.) We could both lose our jobs a year from now. We have to stabilize our finances before we bring anyone home because I’m incapable of rehoming or returning a dog. We had such a hard time integrating and training Sera 🐶 that she had me doubting my abilities to be a good owner because her reactivity was such a challenge. I still couldn’t give her up. Or give up on her. Safety issues aside, but that was never a question for Sera – she’d never even shown irritation at us for anything, rehoming isn’t an option so we have to be rock solid. Once you’re part of our family, that’s it. You’re ours forever.
It does occur to me, about the anti-timeline, that if I did wait until Fall 2026, SmolAc starts kindergarten (there’s a new source of anxiety, btw). I’ll remove that daycare tuition line item from our budget and that’s a huge amount of money to stop spending so that’s one good thing about pushing it out that far. But that’s 18(?) months away and it doesn’t take away anything from the list of concerns above. So I’ve got to stop torturing myself looking at beautiful older dogs who need a forever home.
Precious Moments
SmolAc peeling an egg, sing-song: we’re going to find out what’s in here!
Me: boy, I hope it’s an egg!
SmolAc: No. It’s going to be yummy. Dad put something inside one dat is very good. Tadaaa! Yolk!
******
SmolAc: I have had all my main food! I am done! Can I have owanges now?
Me: Are you sure your tummy is full? Check in with your tummy.
SmolAc: Hi tummy, are you full now?
*squeaky voice* yes I am!
JB loud whisper: Awwww it’s just like I used to do!
******
SmolAc: Daaaad? I have too many toys.
Yeah you do. Do you want to give some of them to kids who don’t have as many?
SmolAc: yeah I want to give dem to (Rich Kid Friend).
Oh kiddo, RKF has MANY toys.
******
JB trips over a toy. OW!
SmolAc: Oh, dat’s because of my toy, JB.
JB: I KNOW, SmolAc. It shouldn’t BE there.
SmolAc: Yeah, it shouldn’t be dere.
JB: So can you move it??
SmolAc: Oh! Yeah! I can!
June 4, 2025
Life with JB
Tangentially related to the luxury goods issue I’m seeing discussed online: JB & I discussed perceived & actual wealth recently. They felt like their classmates make them feel poor sometimes. Maybe by comparison we are, I don’t know! I’ve definitely compared our spending choices and noticed big differences. But I’m old enough, and in control enough of our spending, for that to be idle curiosity, rather than feeling bad about our own actual wealth vs their perceived wealth.
I pointed out to JB that real wealth gives you choices and the “right” choices will vary from family to family. Perceived wealth matters in some situations but it’s been a long while since it mattered in our lives.
Our choices revolve around our family traditions and helping folks, though we don’t advertise the latter to anyone offline. Folks online know we do this stuff because we rally the online community to help.
I also like to err on the side of scruffy-presenting because I like to be underestimated and also it’s revealing to me if people treat you differently when they think you’re poorer than they are.
We don’t own luxury brands (except my inherited Hermes scarf that I never wear b/c I’m QUITE sure I can’t pull it off) because we don’t value them or what they signal. Their signaling is quite the opposite of what I want to communicate. Also they’re not sufficiently greater quality than any moderately well made equivalent to be worth it from a quality perspective. We use things to death because it’s better for the environment and because it’s cheaper. Both reasons are high priorities. My Swiss Army backpack and suitcase of 20+ years do the job. Neither were prohibitively expensive, they don’t scream anything at all, and they are still going strong. Ticks all my boxes.
Flash-oriented relatives think we’re poor because of this. That’s ok! I like to fly under the radar. Aside from family money trauma where it’s just prudent not to become the Family Bank, it doesn’t bring us any specific happiness to know this chef was rated such and such on this or that list. I just want to enjoy good food, have a safe home and financial stability, and be able to help folks out. I hope that these moments for JB are few and far between because we’re never going to be the people who prioritize someone else’s perception over our own happiness.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat declared their favorite color: blue, pink, purple, red. And orange. And black.
Pretty sure green and yellow only got left out because they were distracted.
Pupdate
It’s going to be months before we can adopt a pup. I’m using this time to both save our pennies, and search for a good rescue. I’d like another pitbull, they’re the sweetest of misunderstood breeds, so we’re trying to locate a rescue that seems to be responsible, fosters them out and generally knows what they’re handling. We love other breeds too but they’re more popular while pits are still unfairly judged, so we want to stick with them a while. My hope is that even if the rescue isn’t local, we’ll be able to convince them to adopt to us if we find a good potential fit.
Precious Moments
Once in a looong while, I let Smol Acrobat bunk with me. It’s less frequent because they make it very hard for me to sleep. But JB has been bunking with me. So then I have two extra logs in my bed.
Ok, SmolAc, when you wake up, who do you wake up?
JB.
Right. Not me.
Because you will be vewwy tired.
YEP.
*****
SmolAc, whining: Can I have dis (my toasted and cream cheese laden) bagel?
Me: You can have that now only if you put away the utensils without whining right after you’re done eating.
SmolAc: what if I do dem now so I don’t haf to do dem wayter?
Me: WHAT IF! Brilliant plan, go ahead. well worth having to wait for another bagel for myself.
*****
Your teef are going to break!
What? What do you mean??
I see dem! Dey are dented! Dey will break!
*****
After an unsuccessful hide and seek, Smol Acrobat was angry that JB wouldn’t give up their best hiding spot. I offered them bubble wrap to pop as a consolation. This was great but “Baby elephant is SAD. Baby elephant can’t pop bubble wrap because her hands are not very strong. I’m giving her space because she’s sad.”
Oh, ok.
“Baby elephant, how do you feel? You’re ok? Ok, baby elephant is not sad anymore! Baby elephant wants to go wif me.”
Baby elephant: I’m still a widdle angry. About my job.
WHAT JOB, baby elephant?
May 14, 2025
Life with JB
JB and I had an interesting conversation the other day. Would we help white people in need? I laughed, of course we would! We have been helping white friends and acquaintances for years. I know where this is coming from, I talk about helping vulnerable people a lot, race comes up a lot, and we’ve definitely talked about white supremacy. I’m not surprised they’re exploring the lines of where and how that wraps around our life choices.
What if they voted for Trump? Oh, hell no. Unless they have deep regrets, would do things differently given the chance, and are doing something to fight back against what they chose for all of us, I don’t care what race or ethnicity they are. They’re not getting our money or our help. Too many of those Trump voters are shocked, shocked!, that they were included in the hurt because “he was supposed to hurt other people”. The kicker for me is that they still wouldn’t do things differently because they still subscribe to his cult and they still think that the promise of his hurting trans people, women, minorities, all of the rest of us, is worth the cost they bear. Let them bear it, then.
That’s not about people like Larry in Wisconsin who was both ignorant of LGBTQA people and their humanity, attended an assembly to support a bill against gender-affirming care, and in attending, listened and learned something. He not only learned something, he publicly apologized. Now that’s something.
There are so many people who did NOT choose this for us who are being hurt badly by the actions of this administration and need help, they come first.
Life with Smol Acrobat
I was singing silly songs to SmolAc while brushing their teeth, and I forgot the words to the itsy bitsy spider. I had to ask them what the spider song with the waterspout was. 🤦🏻♀️
Smol Acrobat is learning how to sort the laundry. They’re responsible for helping me sort all the laundry and putting away their own clean laundry. JB remains responsible for putting away everyone else’s laundry.
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat: my ear isn’t working! I cannot hear!!
I cover their left ear and whisper in the right: do you like cake?
SmolAc: YES
Cured.
*****
Smol Acrobat, sick and sad, sitting on my lap before dinner. Boldly: I’m going to eat here!
Wait now, what makes you think you’re going to sit here?
Because I wuv you!
….Well played.
*****
Smol Acrobat: how many fingers do you think this is? Four?
Me: Maybe.
SmolAc: Hey!! How did you know??
Me: Maybe Mom just KNOWS THINGS.
SmolAc: Hey! That’s cheating!
*****
Me: Why do you always need to use the same door? Then you bicker. You two don’t make sense.
Smol Acrobat: I make sense.
Me: You make very little sense.
Smol Acrobat: I make very big sense!
April 9, 2025
Life with JB
Ten and a half years ago, our agreement on division of labor with JB was that PiC would be the fun parent and I would be the tough parent. We still divide duties along those lines now. Not for discipline, as it turns out, we both discipline equally.
I schedule all the medical stuff and school stuff and fill out all the forms. He schedules and handles all the playdates and library trips and adventures. This works for us. The fun stuff takes so much more energy that I don’t have. Also I like filling out forms. Maybe not 27 forms in a row, which daycare requires, but most forms.
JB’s mad at me because every time I talk about helping out someone, usually we’re talking about people who have needs in the hundreds and I’m pitching in $25-150 depending. They want to give away their savings. I’m opposed to that because you shouldn’t touch your savings for giving away. At the same time, I don’t want to stifle the desire to help others. We’re talking about compromising by budgeting this into the allowance divvying up (currently split between saving and spending) and they’re mad, that I vetoed giving 50%. They do have a point that all their needs and most wants ARE met. I just want them to be practicing the skills and developing the habit of securing your own oxygen mask.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Rather than dropping their midday naps, Smol Acrobat has really come to embrace them. On the one hand, I’m glad they are ready and willing to declare they are tired and need a rest. They physically still do need the naps, they’re a wreck by 5 pm without a nap. On the other hand, it’s a bit confusing. They’re well into year 4, I don’t mind the naps/need for naps on the weekends but it sure makes weekdays hard because they have trouble falling asleep at daycare. Which means most weekdays end with zombie SmolAc.
Zombie SmolAc is NOT good company. Zombie SmolAc is cranky as hell.
Precious Moments
SmolAc, holding up a paper airplane: Do you know what this is? Starts wif a F! It is a Hah hah hah Hewacopter!
*****
Smol Acrobat is still cracking themselves up from JB’s success at getting everyone with the Hey (Name)! / What? / chicken butt!
They love it so much they just do the whole thing on their own now: hey mom! CHICKEN BUTT *dissolves into laughter*
*****
Me: SmolAc, wash your hair. *2 mins later* SmolAc, wash your hair.
SmolAc: Mom? You only have to say it one time and den I can do it so you can just only say it one time.
Me: I don’t have to repeat myself?
SmolAc: Yeah.
Me: I think very recent history shows that’s not true.
*****
JB: What will you do when your teeth fall out?
SmolAc: Buy a new one.
JB: No, you can’t!
I really don’t know what kind of answer JB was hoping for here!
*****
SmolAc: I want to go to movie night!
Me: You can go to movie night.
SmolAc: But not you?
Me: I go to shower.
SmolAc: Okay!
March 12, 2025
Life with JB
At pickup one evening, one of Smol Acrobat’s classmate’s parents commented that their kid comes home and talks about how much JB and Smol Acrobat adore each other and how cute that is.
At that moment, they were running down the hall, Smol Acrobat firmly attached to JB’s back like a little koala burr, both cackling and giggling. It is cute. I’m glad they still enjoy each other. The ratio of cute getting along vs bickering has been on the high side of cute this month and I’m grateful for it.
It occurred to me that this harmony is probably because Smol Acrobat has moved out of their “mommy only” phase and has least one foot firmly back into the “JB ALL THE TIME” phase. As an infant, JB was their favorite person. When they were 2 and 3, they shifted to being more needy with me which made JB quite miffed every time they were rebuffed in favor of me (or dad). Now, though, Smol Acrobat is back in the JB is best camp allowing JB to perform miracles like waking SmolAc after impromptu naps and having them giggle instead of screaming themselves hoarse demanding Dad. JB LOVES being the center of SmolAc’s world. Absolutely loves it. They don’t always want SmolAc around but a hero-worshipping SmolAc is absolutely their jam. This phase will shift again at some point but I’m appreciating the benefits.
The sad bits are when JB isn’t around and SmolAc becomes a deflated balloon: I want Weeeeeee. D:
Life with Smol Acrobat
Swim lessons with Smol Acrobat are no longer terrible for PiC because he doesn’t have to be in the water with them anymore. It was no hardship being in the water with JB because they swam like a fish but Smol Acrobat was a water-resistant kitten who refused to do anything. Now they’re independently working with the coach and actually trying things.
They’re also finally starting to do some chores with less whining and grumping beforehand. It’s not always with a good attitude but it’s finally not always a bad one either.
Related: I’m cracking down on their grunt-stomp behaviors. Their reaction to anything they don’t like or don’t want has always been: grunt-STOMP. This started a couple years ago a while ago, always when they were emotionally disregulated enough that a correction would result in a total meltdown. It felt manipulative but I’m pretty sure they weren’t, it was overwhelm. Now they’re more regulated and it’s time to cut it out. I know it’s time because when I started enforcing the “Nope. None of that”, they actually listened and shaped up instead of turning into a mess of tears. They pulled it when I set a limit on bedtime reading. NGGHH-STOMP.
Ok, you have a choice here: some reading or no reading. Bratty behavior gets no reading. Which is it going to be?
Some reading.
This tracks with what their auntie said about the kids she’s teaching in this age group. The pandemic babies are lacking swaths of socioemotional learning and it’s very apparent. This is the sort of stuff we did with JB at least a year or two earlier than we could with SmolAc and I’d wondered if that was an individual thing or a pandemic baby thing.
Precious Moments
SmolAc: Mommy. You have to take care of me ALL da time…
Me: That’s true
SmolAc: and I have to take care of YOU all da time!
Me: 🥹
*****
Smol Acrobat hates Hopper from A Bug’s Life. Totally freaked out by him. We reassured them: it’s ok, you’re safe, Hopper is just pretend.
Smol Acrobat: yeah! And also VILLAINS are just pwetend!
Ohhhhh … buddy. I’m not going to tell you.
*****
SmolAc: I see another van! And it’s ewectwic!
Me: What? How can you tell? (It’s dark and we’re on the freeway!)
SmolAc: Because I used my BWAIN.
Me: Oh. Ok….
SmolAc: And because I just know.
*****
SmolAc, negotiating: I don’t want to sweep in (JB)’s bed, I just want to hang out wif dem for a widdle bit.