June 20, 2023
Life with JB
Ironically, I was just talking to my therapist and PiC about this sort of thing: as someone who grew up poor, how do you feel about your daughter’s attitude towards money?
He grew up in a financially stable household. I didn’t. I consequently spend a hell of a lot more time talking to JB about money than he does: how we have to work for our money, how we prioritize saving above all because we always want to make sure that if something happens to our ability to earn, we will have savings to draw on.
I give them a very modest allowance and require them to save a portion of it at all times, while letting them start to make decisions (and mistakes, though that gives me heartburn) with their money. I tell them that we expect that they’ll make mistakes as they grow up, that they’ll be better served making small mistakes now where they can learn about how their behavior shapes their spending and learn to adapt systems that will work for them and their habits, instead of against them. My anxiety is of course heightened by the fact that they are most definitely a spender personality. That was my brother. I hoarded my money from the first time I held and saved my own red envelope money, whereas my brother could always find another reason to spend. I’m still years away from seeing how my attempts at teaching JB to be wise with their money and generous to others will work out.
I don’t want them to have financial anxiety and YET I want them to have the skills that the anxiety taught me. I’m really not sure how to do that.
I think it’s interesting that Scalzi mentioned being open with Athena about their income and spending choices. I’m open with JB about our spending priorities but not about our income yet.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat is getting to the age where we teach them about caring when they hurt someone. They’re deeply concerned when someone has already sustained an injury and will check on it daily for weeks. Months, even. But recently they accidentally hit me in the eye. My “ouch!” and reminding them gently to check in and ask “are you ok?” caused them to freeze up completely. No apologies at this age since we were told ages ago they aren’t developmentally ready to do that. That startled me, I didn’t think that would cause stress for them.
I’ve seen something similar in Demon Cousin. That kid blames the other person for getting hurt and has a screaming meltdown when asked to check on the injured party. I’m not saying Smol is going down that road, but I immediately saw the parallel and we practiced the line “are you ok?” many times with all kinds of different scenarios to take the tension out of saying it. They’re already good at “scuse me”, they do that at daycare a lot, apparently. We’d taught them to say excuse me when trying to get past someone (mostly Sera who doesn’t understand anyway but it’s a hell of a lot better than letting them yell at and smack her to get her to move). After an extended practice session that night, they relaxed and willingly used it to check in the next day.
They’re wielding many new words inexpertly this month: booboo, getting better. Healing! Sun waking up. Mommy, WAKING UP! (said while patting my face when I try to sneak in a nap during a reading session) Retty niaow! (Ready now). Pout pout fish, pout pout face. (said while squishing my face between their hands)
Pronunciation and enunciation are an ongoing struggle. Ta-do has finally morphed into towel. We’re working on strawberry. We need to get through this on our own because I will cry if we have to spend $500/month on speech therapy.
Pupdate
I’ve tried to invite Sera 🐶 to be my office buddy many times, even bringing a bed in for her, but she’s always refused. I don’t force her, if she leaves she leaves. But it’s sad. I’m used to having a dog very nearby. Seamus used to lay with his head on my lap when I sat on the living room floor with him to work. I miss that.
JB carried an armload of costumes into the office and left them for me to deal with. Before I could, Sera 🐶 staked them out as her nest. She’ll come and sleep in the office as long as she can sleep on the nest of JB’s clothes. It makes no sense.
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat is currently obsessed with owies. JB’s owies, dad’s owies, relitigating the time they took an owie from that door six months ago, see? See here on this foot? Door! They need to check everyone’s owies to confirm they’re getting better.
They demanded to see my owies, rolling up my pant leg.
Oh, I don’t have an owie there.
“See! Owie!!” Prods my leg.
Oh. I guess they’ve heard me aching around the house. “You can’t, kiddo, my owies are in the bone.”
“See bone! See bone!!!”
May 16, 2023
Life with JB
JB and I had a serious talk about red envelope etiquette. You never open them in front of the giver, you never ever count the money inside in front of them! They’re so accustomed to Western gift giving traditions where you open gifts you were given in front of the giver (I also hate this tradition) that they recently did both in front of a person who is far too permissive. I was horrified. I’ve spoken to them in the past about the rule. They clearly had not absorbed the lesson. It didn’t help that said person pooh-poohed the error and then tried to naysay me when I corrected JB. Oh, hell no. My kid, my rules. This dismissive nonsense is Not Happening. (I’m proud/glad/relieved that this difficult person in this particular encounter didn’t affect my blood pressure as usual. Thanks, meds, therapy, friends with helpful coping strategies!)
This isn’t an idle worry. I’ve seen Permissive Person with their other child-relatives. Those kids are unbearable. They ignore people speaking to them, pout when they don’t get everything they asked for, pitch tantrums in response to everything that isn’t precisely and exactly what they want. As far as I’m aware (and there are Special Ed specialists in the family who would have identified it if this were the case), this isn’t an issue of being neurodivergent and overstimulated. They’re just bratty and worse for not having any boundaries enforced. Anyway. Cautionary tale as far as I’m concerned. Permissive Person’s influence has to be counteracted at all times. (more…)
April 11, 2023
Life with JB
Fancy birthday parties are back. JB recently attended a birthday party at a place that charges $500/2 hours for the venue and services. Parents provide the food.
PiC texted me notes and pictures from the party. I’m estimating the party ran about $800. It was for two siblings, so in a rare turn, they saved a bit since this spread would have cost the same whether it was for one or two kids. The siblings have enough overlap between their friend groups for it to work. I have niblings where the siblings are 2 days and 6 years apart so there’s no overlap and the parents have to do two separate events in the same week.
It’s not like we were super frugal for JB’s birthday, I just opted out of having to host 18 kids for the price. We spent $300 on delicious Mediterranean food because we were mostly feeding adults and I wanted enough leftovers to send food home with our guests. Food is love.
Ain’t nothing but the truth (in my life) ⬇️
JB’s current exercise of their independence is insisting that they bathe Smol most nights. Not at all sure why this particular thing struck them as The Thing To Do but whatever. We let them do showers mostly supervised, no standing water for anyone to drown in, and Smol seems to enjoy the sibling time as much as JB enjoys being in charge in a tangible way.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Like JB’s early years, we haven’t done anything beyond some cake for Smol Acrobat’s birthdays so far and I don’t imagine we intend to change that for a while. JB’s first party was age 4. Then the pandemic happened so even if we were willing to do a 6th birthday, it couldn’t happen.
I’m curious to see how Smol feels about parties if and when they start for them. If I remember correctly, the kids start having hosted parties around age 3 in daycare and they’re “invite the whole classroom” affairs. It’ll be interesting to see how this changes (or not) in these days of COVID.
JB was an enthusiastic participant in parties at this age but they were also always making friends anywhere and everywhere they went. Smol has just started making friends but they seem to really be enjoying the small pack they run in at daycare. It’s funny seeing them with humans their age and size, I’m too accustomed to them being the tiny odd one out.
~~~~~
This describes my life with JB and Smol Acrobat not sleeping pretty damn well.
~~~~~
Smol is now very into taking their COVID tests. They ask for a rapid test every time they see a box out. Since they are the most exposed at daycare, I always oblige the request even if it’s not at the most convenient time.
Pupdate
Sera has been so gassy these past few months. I forgot to ask the vet about this at her check-up.
She remains exceptionally clingy when the kids are loud. I think she’s really nervous about not being able to tell if they’re playing or in pain or in danger. Their shrieks really do sound the same, no matter the cause.
I suspect she’s also conflicted. Her reaction to JB yelling is to hide with me. Her reaction to Smol yelling or crying is to check on them. When they’re both yelling, she has no idea what to do.
Precious Moments
JB: Smol!! Swim lesson! Put it back!
Smol: ??
JB, deepens voice: PUT IT BACK.
Smol *chirps*: Back?
JB: GOoooooooo!
~~~~~
Smol is being screechily uncooperative in the cleaning up so JB is retaliating by singing “Smol is a baby and will be a baby foreverrrrrr Smol graduated from baby school but they’ll always be a BABYYYYYY….!”
~~~~~
There was a joke in All American where Spencer tells his mom they’re going to celebrate her and she needs to be ok with or else he and Dylan will “mom” her to death. Then they start: Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.
1. I very much relate to that.
2. Smol is doing it to JB now!
Smol: JJ!
JB: What?
Smol: JJ!
JB: What?
Smol: JJ!
JB: What?
Smol: JJ!
JB: What??? I’m RIGHT HERE??
Smol: JJ!
Muahahahahah. That’s right. Annoy each other for a change.
~~~~~
JB: What do you like?
Smol: Eat!
JB: You like to eat?
Smol: Yah.
JB: What else?
Smol: Bood!
JB: Food?
Smol: YAH.
JB: That’s the same thing!
Smol: …….
~~~~~
Smol, rearranging books in the shelf and having them fall over: space!! Space!!
Sorry kiddo, I don’t think you can order books to give you space. I mean, you can TRY but uh…
March 14, 2023
Life with JB
As I once predicted, when it comes to kid activities, I hate having to leave the house first and foremost. I hate the other parents as a close second. There’s an obnoxious sideline dad at JB’s self defense class who just talks to talk, constantly chattering and saying nothing of substance because he keeps cycling between bragging about his kid, commentary on the attendance and reasons it’s either high or low, and commenting on JB’s ranking. And he can never actually use JB’s name, it’s always “your kid”. As if JB doesn’t exist as a person except in relation to me.
There are other obnoxious sideline dads but he’s the worst by sheer volume of chatter. Can we not just observe in silence, for the love of (my) mental health?!
~~~~~
On the one hand, I don’t want JB to replicate my refusal to ever ask for help until things are dire.
On the other hand, it makes me a little batty when they ask for help when they have all the tools to figure it out at their disposal. Answering a worksheet of questions about a story they read, for example, they asked me what a specific job title’s responsible for. I ask where the story is (it’s right in front of them). “Oh yeah!”
🤦🏻♀️
~~~~~
Parent teacher conferences went well this month. Their grades for math, language arts and behavior (respectful, attentive) are all good. They’re happy to be in school and they’re enjoying the material they’re learning. They review it far more favorably than their first grade experience. I think it’s because their second grade teacher is very nice (not in a fakey sort of way) and they like that.
Life with Smol Acrobat
My aunt was right. Two kids is not just double the work, they are exponentially more work (and more frustrating) than one.
JB was tough. It took both of us to keep up with their entropy in motion, and we were much younger then. Then along comes Smol Acrobat and honestly, my worries that it’d be even harder were all justified.
This kid doesn’t eat well, doesn’t sleep well, clings to the wrong parent in all situations making it twice as hard to get through a day because you know they’re going to decide they need the parent who isn’t in charge.
~~~~~
This article made me laugh for a minute: Your child’s academic success may start with their screen time as infants, study says. At first they’re talking about kids up to 18 months old and it’s too late for us now that Smol is 2 but this bit made me wonder if they’ve met more than a couple children:
And yet, sometimes parents just need to get the laundry done or attend a work meeting, and screens can feel like an effective distraction.
For very young children, it’s probably still best to avoid screen time, Harrison emphasized.
Instead, try to involve the child in house chores, she said.
JB was a very willing “helper” at very young ages but that was absolutely not a good way to keep them busy so I could take a meeting.
~~~~~
Smol DOES have a few chores now that they love: feeding Sera and refilling the toilet paper in the bathroom. They even knew how to go fetch and deliver a roll to PiC when he asked for one. They’ll assist JB with the laundry sometimes. I’m enjoying the little wins. (Except when JB demands that the 2 year old have the same attention span as they have for their chores.)
Pupdate
Sera continues to be very stalkery this month. She starts to hover around noon, anxious for JB school pick up time. She used to go with me to pick up JB. Since they changed some rules so it’s too much of a hassle, we’ve switched to walking her together after we get back home from school.
Precious Moments
Will I ever get to use the toilet alone again? If it’s not one kid, it’s another, or the dog.
Smol opens the door: Mom.
Me: Smol. I’d like some privacy please.
Smol: yes. *Comes in, shuts door*
Me: wait, but you’re inside …
Smol: *hands me water bottle* eat.
Me: you want me to drink?
Smol: yah.
Me: *sigh* … Ok. *Pretends to drink*.
Smol: bye.
~~~~~
I usually leave the kids to their own conflict management but sometimes BOTH of them act like 2 year olds.
JB grabs the blanket: Smol it’s MY turn.
Smol: ‘dactyl screech!
Me: From their POV, you just grabbed w/o asking. Give it back.
JB grumpily hands it back: Smol can I have a turn?
Smol: NO!
Me: Smol, it’s JB’s turn. When it’s their turn, what do you do?
Smol returns blanket.
February 21, 2023
Life with JB
We refused to throw a big elaborate many-kids party for their birthday this year. They really wanted one and had the longest wish list started two days after their last birthday.
But we talked it through and they understood that we’re not willing to do that kind of exposure during COVID. And honestly now that they’re no longer at the age when kids do the whole classroom is invited thing, I simply don’t want to. PiC still wants to give them everything they want for their birthday, in the celebratory sense rather than the buy ALL THE THINGS way, but I don’t like going that overboard. So, as usual, we compromised. We probably paid about $100 for decorations, cake related stuff, and their presents. We paid another $200 for a really delicious meal from a local restaurant that adults and kids could all enjoy. That could have been Costco or other more expensive pizza, PiC suggested it, but I balked. If I have to host anything, I want to eat the good stuff. So we overspent, IMO, but for a long fun evening with a few good friends, and serving them a really nice dinner? I’m ok with that. It’s once a year, or in reality, once every four years since we haven’t had anyone over for their birthday since 2019.
At the end of the night when everyone left, they gasped: that was SO FUN.
The compromise was good for everyone. I wasn’t too exhausted to even exist, everyone had a good time, we had awesome leftovers but not too much. We sent cake home with our guests.
~~~~~
My mentor is one of the few people I can tell about my very honest parenting feelings. I’ve been feeling horrible guilt for all the conflict that JB and we have been having, and for how I just did NOT like my own child in those times. But “those times” have been so frequent these past months that it feels like I never like my own child these days, and what kind of monster can’t stand their own child??
Hearing her tell me “it’s normal to feel this way, it’s ok to feel this way, and you do NOT have to like your child every minute of every day” is balm for the soul. That lifted a burden I’d been weighed down by. So did, weirdly enough, having an adult be on JB’s side so that I could be frustrated about them. Somehow that freed me up to have my frustrations more than having an adult agree with me that they’re annoying because the latter then stirs up guilt over having raised an annoying child.
She understands my annoyance but she doesn’t share it and that also helped me to see JB in a different light. I want to like my kid all the time, but I can let myself off the hook for being human.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Six months ago, we borrowed a friend’s idea of swabbing Smol’s nose regularly so they’d be accustomed to nose swabbing enough to make COVID tests no big deal. They were curious and fine with it the first week. They were fine with it when we went for a PCR test. They were fine with it for another week.
Then suddenly they were not fine with it and all hell broke loose when we had to do another PCR. I have no idea what changed in their wee brain but it was like a switch flipped and NOPE. Tests have been a huge struggle ever since. They’ll see us swabbing and come by asking for a turn. Then turn and sprint off yelling no no no no! Bribery doesn’t work, distraction with audio, video or JB singing and dancing doesn’t work.
Fast forward to today, I swabbed their ears yesterday and they were cranky about it but I did it again today anyway. Today they relaxed and wanted “mo”. So I swabbed some mo’. And then mo’. Then “me” – they wanted to do it. So I gave them a swab and said, you can swab your nose. Only I do your ears. They were intrigued by this compromise and tentatively touched their nose a few times. I helped them get it into their nose gently. So of course the next go they jabbed their brain. Oops. But we laughed and they laughed and tried again. In the end, they and I gave both nostrils a good swabbing. But I’ll have to keep my hopes low: a new day may well bring a refusal to swab again.
This kid is so changeable.
~~~~~
Where JB was and still is Teflon against criticism, Smol is more like me: sullen and resentful of corrections. “Don’t eat the lotion!” is met with a grunt, crossed arms, thrashing, and anger. They feel the cut of a correction so deeply.
Pupdate
Ever since the holidays, Sera has been following me around the house more closely than ever before. It’s kind of cute, minus the tremendously toxic gas clouds she also emits.
She’s had her annual checkup and mostly she’s in good shape but she’s developing a touch of arthritis which the vet said to expect.
Precious Moments
Smol, getting put in jammies for bed: No no!
Smol, getting a lullaby: No no!
Smol, getting tucked in: No no no!
Smol, 1 minute after I shut the door behind me: zzzzzzzz.
~~~~~
JB: you’re not the boss of me!
Me: no? who is?
JB: me! I’m the boss of me and you’re the boss of you!!
Me: ah ok well you’re wrong, I’m definitely the boss of you BUT you’re welcome to be the boss of you and do everything you’re responsible for and taking the consequences when you don’t.
JB’s face: not like that!
~~~~~
I sneeze three times.
Smol: mom!! *Puts hand in front of face and huffs*
Me: you….want me to blow my nose?
Smol: yep.
A long parenting thread
January 24, 2023
Life with JB
I’m a highly risk averse person, and that absolutely influences how I parent and what I let JB do. They’re still not allowed to cross the street or go to the store alone, though I’d wager I was probably doing that when I was close to this age. I was walking my dog to the vet alone by the time I was 13. We live on a very busy street with reckless drivers, and their level of attention is not nearly where it should be for something like this.
This article suggests that modern parenting is preventing kids from getting reasonable doses of stress, impairing their flexibility and growth. This is a question and a balance I struggle with.
I don’t feel the need to expose them to truly stressful situations like harassment and fighting but we also don’t want them to be Pillsbury doughboy soft.
We saw a neighbor kid walking their new puppy last year. I thought he was JB’s age. It took me aback, and made me reevaluate what I considered safe or unsafe for the kids. I mean, I still wouldn’t let JB walk Sera alone. Unlike neighbor dog, Sera outweighs JB and is a STRONG pibble. Seamus used to drag me on runs and I had to sprint to keep up with him in my 20s when I had experience with dogs. So this is me being sensible. Would I / we let them walk a small dog? Hm. I’d be willing to have them practice short solo jaunts. Maybe. But we aren’t likely ever to get a small dog. I’ve had them and I love them but I tend to need a big dog to get my arms around for a therapeutic hug.
We had some conflict the other day when they came shrieking about a bug in the garage. I was quite impatient with them for panicking and not investigating the situation a little bit more before running to me. It was dead! I took care of that one but I made them sweep out the second dead bug they found. They were highly resentful but this feels well within their capabilities to hold a broom and push a dead bug out the door.
I try to give them more “advanced” responsibilities in our day to day lives but I do still worry that I’m sheltering them too much.
Life with Smol Acrobat
The new year brought a few happy changes: they seem to be eating more, and on their own. By itself, not eating much wouldn’t bother me, it’s the fact that they were constantly distracted and wouldn’t just eat their little portion and GO. They’d dilly dally and mess about and then repeatedly come back asking for more little bits. It’s such a pain!
Now that they have more of an appetite, they are more focused on eating until they’re finished and then we can move on. I hope this sticks.
Their language is developing more, they’re trying to gabble out more syllables if not not words. Some words are coming through.
I’m less enamored with the memory and object permanence related development. Specifically to do with vaccines. They’d gotten their bivalent booster and instead of forgetting all about it a minute later, they remembered. They wouldn’t stop talking about it. They kept pointing at the injection site and telling us “poke”. But they also wanted to turn back around and go back to the vaccine clinic, asking for “more” so I’m not clear on what was going on there.
Pupdate
Sera’s been extra snuggly of late and I like it. Though it is hard to work with her constantly prodding me with her nose for attention, I like that she’s been coming to hang out with me during the work day. Usually I can’t convince her to come into the office, much less hang out for petting.
Sera’s sweater arrived and it’s Very Cute! She’s so snuggly in it!
Precious Moments
JB: I wish the laundry would just wash itself so I could put it away faster.
Boy howdy, me too! On all counts.
*****
JB looking at a McLaren: hey! That looks like a Hot Wheel!
Kid perspectives make me laugh.
December 20, 2022
Life with JB
I found myself explaining US foreign policy, because they wanted to know why we didn’t think their auntie should go touristing in Iraq. We had to explain that generally speaking Iraqis don’t have much reason to like Americans and that led to how the US had used the CIA to secretly mess about elections in many places, including South America. We had to resort to using a fairly simple and potentially terrible analogy.
I could see my child-free friend’s eyes signalling they thought I was opening a dangerous door but I went with it anyway: it’s like if the neighbors decided that Dad and I weren’t doing a good job because they want us to do things for them and we aren’t. So they’d come here and take us away and replace us with new parents who would do what they wanted.
*pregnant pause*
JB: but I don’t want new parents.
PiC passing by: thanks!
Me: Right, so it didn’t matter what the people in those countries wanted. American politicians wanted specific leaders in power so they manipulated the elections, and put the leaders THEY wanted in power, even though it’s not our country and not our business.
I don’t know if they got it. I don’t doubt that most of it went over their heads.
Life with Smol Acrobat
All in one weekend, a bunch of words came together: up! bye!
Hug made it into the practice rotation (uck!) as did cut (ack! with a chopping hand motion). “Cuk!” = cook. “Book” is spot on. Love that. “Muk” for milk.
Used to be, they wouldn’t even try. They’d just babble a string of liquid sounding syllables or yell.
Conversations with them have been largely guesswork and mostly still are. We recently took a class on supporting speech for toddlers who are late developers and that’s helping us help them. We learned that their lack of mimicry has more to do with their not being ready than an inability and that just repeating the word that we want them to try 3-4 times, by itself, helps more than prompting. Oh. That sort of explains why they balked anytime we said “say bye!”
Now they enjoy saying bye out loud and on time, sometimes, which is neat. Some days they won’t STOP saying bye.
Also! PiC finally gets to be dada! He’s been designated “mama” for the past two years.
Pupdate
I went through old pictures of when we first brought Seamus to meet Sera at the rescue and brought her home with us. It made me so sad. She’s slowly warmed up to us but she loved him so much. As did we all.
She’s been hovering by me a lot more lately this month, which is unusual, but I kind of like it. Except when she follows me so closely I have no room to turn around.
Precious Moments
While giving Smol Acrobat their Tylenol, I mused aloud, I really should have given this to you before I brushed your teeth. They abruptly stopped halfway through drinking their water and slid off their bed.
Me: Where are you going?
They signed (vaguely) “toothbrush”.
Me: Oh! I was … ok. I was talking to myself buuuuut you understand words.
*****
Smol has gotten in the habit of taking their trike out for a ride but refusing to come home on the trike or under their own power. We’ve ended more than a few walks in tears because they demand to be carried and my bones demand non-compliance lest I am wrecked by carrying them.
Smol: “uck?” (hug)
Me: sure, HUG.
Smol: up?
Me: No, no up. Mama HELP. Mama will help you push it home.
Smol: Oh. Uck?
Me: Sure, I’ll give you a hug.
Smol, “now that you’re down here again!”: up!
Me: no up. Only HELP.
Smol: oh. *Shuffles feet* Ok.
*****
The kids found their little wind up bunny and chick toys, so they started playing with them and predictably one of them broke almost immediately.
JB complained, why doesn’t the bunny go far?
Me: might be that you messed with it too much when it was running, and it got a little broken. *test the bunny a few times*
Smol Acrobat grabs for the bunny.
Me: no, wait, Mama’s helping it right now. Hang on. It’s a little ouch ouch.
JB: it got SHOT.
Me: …..??!!
*****
I turned off the hood. Smol’s head popped up, issues guttural roars, pointing at the stove.
“I turned it off!”
Smol: *guttural roar”
Oh yeah, I turned it off, we didn’t need it on anymore.
Smol: Ohhhhhhh.