August 17, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,713.62; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Life lessons
We’ve been having a lot of hard conversations with JB about the harsh realities of life. Namely racism: what it is, how it hurts people, how it’s wrong and how we fight against it. Their daycare hasn’t been nearly diverse enough for my taste but their elementary school will be much better and I want them to have a solid understanding of accepting people for who they are based on their actions, not their appearance.
This is nothing new. We’ve been reading “I am Rosa Parks” (Amazon, Indiebound, Bookshop.org), The Youngest Marcher which has been extra hard for me to get through this year (Amazon, Indiebound, Bookshop.org), and Sulwe (Amazon, Indiebound, Bookshop.org) for a while. With all the protests, they have been asking to read The Youngest Marcher every night.
Different bodies
We were picking up takeout when JB said: “There’s something wrong with his eye!” It wasn’t very loud but it was clearly out loud.
I was startled because I hadn’t noticed what they had, but I realized that the fellow bringing us our bags had a drooping eyelid. I told JB: “There may be something different about his body but should we talk about how people look?”
JB: “No.”
Me: “Ok, let’s not do that, please.”
They said said ok, though they still stared for a bit, and then we had a conversation in the car about how treating people with respect means that if they have something different about their bodies, it’s fine to notice but we don’t comment on them. We all have differences (or flaws if we consider them as such), and it’s unkind to point them out and stare. We wouldn’t like it if we had a scar or an injury or something different about us and people were staring, or pointing, or commenting on us.
I’m not sure if I handled it right in the moment. I feel terrible that he may have heard them and felt that we didn’t treat him and the moment respectfully.
Pupdate
Our buddy Seamus has chronic eye problems this year and we had to rush him to the veterinary opthalmologist for an exam when his latest bout with a corneal ulcer was going the wrong way. He’d been on medications for weeks and the darn thing wouldn’t budge. Typically they clear up in 7-10 days. By the 20th day both his regular vet and I were very concerned and it was off to the specialist for us.
That exam showed that it wasn’t quite as bad as we had feared so we still had a chance to head off a surgical treatment. Huge sigh of relief there. We went on an aggressively frequent eye ointment regimen, nine applications a day!
New Skills
JB is currently obsessed with wanting to “be a real dog owner” and wanting to walk the dogs alone. They can walk Seamus who is well mannered and cooperative 98% of the time but takes sudden turns once in a while that they have to watch out for. If Seamus was forceful as he once was about his course corrections I’d never allow it but he’s slow and gentle enough in his old age that he’s safe for JB to walk on a slow ramble. Sera, however, is strong, headstrong, and very reactive. So that’s a hard no to JB wanting to walk Sera. They will have to earn the “real dog owner” cred the hard way: slowly and steadily.
Precious Moments
I don’t know why either of us thought it’d be for a good reason.
JB: I’m always going to remember this day.
PiC: oh yeah? *hopeful*
JB: Yeah cuz you guys are gonna die before me.
PiC: Oh.
JB: I’m not gonna die before you! Oh, but kids can actually die.
PiC: Uh.
JB: Yeah cuz kids can get very sick when they’re young!
This makes me feel like a transport bus.
JB: I wish I could go to Italy! In person, not in Mommy’s belly. Because in Mommy’s belly, it’s very different.
:: If you had a visible injury or disability, how would you want a parent to address it with their kid while they were still in front of you or within earshot?
July 20, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1589.82; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Siblings, the abyss, something something
JB squatted in front of Sera, staring intently. I wondered and then: Mom!! I don’t like Sera looking at me!
Me: …. Weren’t you staring at her?
JB: Yes! I wanted to look at her. But I didn’t want her to look at me.
Me: That makes absolutely no sense! If you sat right in front of her face and stared at her, she absolutely has the right to look back at you.
JB: No, I don’t like it!
🤦🏻♀️ Why. Are. Kids. So. Weird.
Punishments, consequences, and effective parenting
I don’t choose to issue punishments because as a rule, I know they come from a less than great part of me as a parent. I want to punish JB when they have gone way over the line because I’m mad at them. And generally when I’m mad and assigning punishments, it’s about hurting them back and not about what’s appropriate (like throwing away toys they love). But that’s entirely the wrong motivation. That does work if we were always authoritarian and they’re not allowed to speak their minds or think for themselves – then punishment is suitable to that kind of parenting.
But that’s not what we’re trying to do here – we are trying to teach them that making poor choices is a bad thing and that they should choose to make better choices. Like not doubling down when you’ve said something mean and hateful, and saying MORE mean and hateful things.
I struggled with that a lot during the week that JB was just stomping on my last nerve and then some. They were being rude, then pulled faces and rolled their eyes at me warning them that their words were rude and hurtful, then shouted even meaner things at me when sent to timeout as a result of doubling down. I was so angry that I was harsh and took away toys when they kept shouting at me and being ruder – that was a reaction to their behavior but not a good reaction. The first time this all blew up, I walked away and ignored them until they were done tantruming and returned to say so, and then we had a long talk about the fact that they would have a real and appropriate consequence later that wasn’t just taking away toys, I had to think of something that was related to the problem. The next time that happened, though, I realized that a better way to put it for us would be this:
For every minute of nastiness and negativity, they have to do two minutes of good things. So that half an hour screaming tantrum of rudeness = 1 hour of being helpful around the house and doing good things to balance the negativity. I didn’t want to assign chores after the first round because I didn’t want to associate chores and punishment. But this way, their doing chores as their helpful thing can redeem them as a positive contribution instead.
New levels of autonomy
It’s still a little hit or miss but I can assign chores to JB with a time frame and they will do it! It’s more likely to happen if I say “in the next 20-30 minutes, the dishes have to be put away” than if I give them a wider time frame like “between breakfast and lunch” though.
Precious Moments
Who’s the Boss?
Me: When you’re done with cleaning up that pile, you can go through the other bag.
JB: You got it, master!
Me: …
JB: I called you master because you’re the boss of me.
Me: That’s true.
JB: And I’m the boss of babies.
Me: … what babies ….
JB: And Older Cousin is the boss of me, and I’m the boss of Younger Cousin!
Me: Uh that’s not how that works.
Taking sides
Me mocking PiC: your dad is silly, JB
JB: Yeah! He’s so silly!
PiC: hey! I thought you were on my side!
JB: I am on your side. Actually I’m on both your sides.
PiC: good. That’s how it should be..
JB, whispering: but mostly on daddy’s side.
Me: I KNOW. YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
I do not think that word means what you think it means.
JB: Daddy, this was an EXCELLENT lunch!
PiC: Thank you!
JB: What does excellent mean?
Creepy or cool?
I woke up to JB in my bathroom whispering: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, preparing to die!
Ratings, levels, we got em all.
JB: The Rock has guns in it!
PiC: what?
JB: The movie! The Rock! It has GUNS and FIGHTING and it’s a higher level than I am right now, I’m not ready for it yet.
JB: can I walk both dogs?
Me: no, Sera’s too strong for you right now.
JB: but I want to be a real dog owner!
Perseverance and perspective
JB’s muttering sullenly as the glass noodles slip off their chopsticks: this is too HARD! I’m never going to get it!
Me: Not like that you’re not. You’re not fast enough. Be the predator. Scoop up your prey and POUNCE.
JB, clumsily imitating the pounce: nomf! I caught it!
Me: Yup. Noodles are prey. Be the predator.
Pop culture can get it wrong, sometimes.
JB’s been singing and dancing to The Cure’s “Boys don’t cry”. They keep correcting the lyric with “that’s not right, boys DO cry when they’re sad!” or “boyyyys don’t cry, boyyyyys DO cry”!
Wait, what?
Me: How should you be sitting? (Correct answer: on your butt)
JB: Criss cross applesauce, pepperoni pizza, hands in your fish bowl, bubbles in your mouth!
Me: Uh…..ok….
:: When did you first watch The Princess Bride? What was the first music you remember listening to? How are your chopsticks skills?
June 15, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,570.70; Rural libraries, $321.62.
More of a Lawful Good, then
JB was so sad we couldn’t go to the park to play. We’ve got an empty field thing nearby and they’ve been enjoying it a few days a week, staying 20 feet away from anyone who might be there.
I explained that it looked like maybe the ordinances weren’t allowing us to play and we’d get in trouble for violating them. I suggested that, well, since no one was really there, maybe we could go anyway and just be very cautious with masks and touching nothing and bothering no one.
JB: NO! We’re not allowed!! We’ll get in trouble!
Preparing for kindergarten
I’ve submitted all our kindergarten application forms, even though we all have no freaking idea what’s going to happen this fall, and followed up to make sure JB’s preschool teacher has submitted their part. I’ve submitted our lottery entry for the after care program even though that wait list was last reported to be 200 applicants long and I honestly doubt we’ll get in. I’m doing all the “right” things because I’d rather have done them than not if the state of the world starts to come back together in time for some version of fall schooling.
It still feels incredibly unlikely at the moment but we don’t know. We need some semblance of organized childcare and education again but PiC and I both feel very strongly that we’re not comfortable with sending JB back out in this without more and better widespread testing, and some kind of effective treatment for COVID. Waiting for a vaccine is too far out, that’s 1-2 years out at least, but if we have ways to treat it, and contact tracing and testing, that would be a reasonable start.
We got an update from the afterschool program that EVERYONE is now on the waitlist for the foreseeable future.
Kindness Jar
I’ve been looking for ways to repurpose all our medication bottles, I hate tossing them out (recycling but it feels like the same thing) if we don’t have to. JB snagged one of my reserved-with-hope bottles and PiC helped them decorate it for a Kindness Jar. Every time someone does a kind thing, you get a marble for the KJ.
JB has been … Overly Enthusiastic about counting kindnesses.
Mommy cooked breakfast, that was a kindness!
I thanked Mommy for cooking breakfast, that was a kindness!
I petted Seamus, that was a kindness!
We’ve got a real fan of sheep here
It started back in April.
Now, everyone gets compared to a sheep.
JB: Your computer has such a good memory! Like a sheep!
JB: I have a good memory, like a sheep!
Precious Moments
Someday this kid will be able to identify us correctly.
They came running out in the morning: dad??
I called through the bathroom door: he’s outside with the dog.
JB: Oh. Are you Daddy or Mommy?
Me: ….. What??
I still don’t know if they were serious.
Who’s the boss?
JB: I hope I don’t get thrown in the ocean when I die.
Me: ?
JB: I mean, in my case. I don’t want to get through in the ocean in my case. Because there are sharks.
Me: After you die?
JB: Yes!
Me: Do you mean coffin?
JB: yes!
It’s not as fun as you think, y’know?
JB: Why don’t you have to wear glasses?
PiC: I had eye surgery, so I don’t wear glasses anymore.
JB: I wish I could have eye surgery!
Oh because I’m the only klutz around here
JB, holding up the bit of plastic that covers the end of new tape rolls: Mama, you have to take this off, or you cannot use that tape. Just so you know how it works, because I would not want you to get another ouchy.
May 18, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1551.58; Rural libraries, $321.62.
“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” G.K. Chesterton
Unless you’re JB. In which case, every story with a villain is an infomercial for that villain and their scariness. Every morning and evening, I hear a shriek:
Mommy, I’m scared, (evil villain) is going to get me!
I always intended to put JB in self defense classes but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. And now, of course, it’s not possible to start for a while.
The fear bothered me because I realized JB is a freeze on fear kid. As far back as I can remember, I have been a fight on fear kid, which may or may not have been trained into me by a mean older sibling, but this served me well.
I was bullied at every single school I attended. I always had to put some bully in their place when they tried me and things were much better when I was able to do so quickly and decisively. I only ever had to deal with each bully once, they weren’t used to being shut down effectively and violently.
We have now implemented Monster Training. After reading age appropriate books about kids fighting monsters, I proposed that we take turns scaring each other and learning to fight back. The whole goal for me is to teach them to get scared and then act, not just freezing.
(more…)
March 16, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Milestone birthday
WHO SAID JB COULD TURN 5??
I’m appalled!
364 days of saying “nope you’re not having a party” later and guess what? They didn’t have a party. Guess what else? They are just fine. We did special pancakes with whipped cream, and they got to wear a special birthday outfit, and off to school they went.
We did go out to dinner as a family that evening as well.
Responsibilities
We’ve been building JB’s stable of skills gradually. They should probably have set chores but since we don’t have set days for doing specific housework, I find it more helpful to have them have sub-chores. When I do laundry, they are responsible for bringing me hangers and putting away the clothes I’ve hung up. They are also responsible for hanging up clothes when called upon to do so. They clear the table before meals, set the table or help with cooking depending on the day, and clear after meals. Sometimes they are responsible for just finding an independent activity and leaving me in peace so I can work or cook. They are also still being trained to train Sera – working on appropriate reactions to doggy misgaps and using the appropriate commands to the situation instead of just yelling angrily. (more…)
February 17, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $521.62; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Behavioral challenges
We just got through a really rough patch with JB just being the smallest unit of the most concentrated contrariness ever. I found myself holding my breath and counting off deep breaths A LOT. But then we randomly zipped out of that like coming down a slip and slide into a period of attentiveness, cooperative spirits and unexpected eloquence instead of immediate tears and tantrums when they hear something they doesn’t like:
Us: This won’t fit in your backpack.
JB: Could we try it, just to see?
* What kind of monster says no to reasonable request for scientific inquiry?
PiC in the morning: Today has to be a short dropoff, I have to get to a meeting.
JB 3o minutes later at daycare: Ok daddy, you should go. You need to get to your meeting.
*They were LISTENING? And they acted on the information??
Naturally this means that there’s a spike in not great behavior at school: not listening to the teacher’s instructions, pushing to get to the front of the line, following classmates into bad decisions.
Our teacher / parent friend shared that their experienced educator mentor advised them to always be aware that it’s common to have this teeter-totter of behavior: if they’re terrible at home, they may be great at school, and vice versa. It doesn’t make me feel a lot better though.
Raising JB with minimal technology
JB is coming up on 5 years old very rapidly and we still enforce pretty strict boundaries around technology. They have a fake VTech cell phone (gift from a friend who likes to torment me), and no access to phones, tablets, or TVs at home. Well, no free access. They know how to turn on and off the one television, how to use the camera on my phone but also knows better than to EVER turn on the TV without express permission and they certainly never get free rein on my phone. They may borrow it to enjoy a music video once in a while but from the age of 2, they knew the rule: after the song what happens?
*Emphatic hands* “Give it back to Mommy!”
This isn’t to say they are meant to be a Luddite. They have lots of access to computers and tablets at school, they can play a computer game at the library once in a while, and they has gamer aunties and uncles who share their love of video games. They have plenty of access in the big picture. I want to take this foundational period and foster their love of books and crafts and sports and games and just the plain ability to find a way to entertain yourself before letting them zombie out into games and television. We are addictive personality people, it’s easy to get sucked into tv and never come up for air.
I push them, on our mommy-child days, to do that when I have to work. They will go rustle up a craft, or a coloring book, or a pile of books and sit at my feet “reading” and drawing and the like. I much prefer that to the reflexive flipping on of the television.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with tv, we enjoy shows and movies together, but I want their world to be as interesting and creative as they can make it be before getting addicted to the screen.
What this looks like is sometimes I get irritated because they hang about my desk asking “what can I dooooooo” before figuring out what to do because I refuse to give a concrete answer: figure it out!
Or sometimes in the car they ask to watch a video, get flatly denied, and we end up “mixing salad” in my hat using markers for ingredients and it makes me wonder what they think is food: please add cornstarch, now pepper, now green leaves. Now add purple leaves. Ok now lettuce. Now bell peppers. Now more cornstarch.
It takes more effort to press them to think and they don’t always like it, but I see it bearing occasional fruit where they don’t pester me constantly for ideas, they come up with their own. Like deciding to be art director and hanging art on my pristine refrigerator while I work. Or organizing my to be gifted books in the office. Or cleaning the table off.
Precious Moments
I contain multitudes
JB outside after being scolded: you’re the meanest! Mommy is the meanest!
Me: Yep. Yep I am.
JB that same day, wanting me to snuggle when I’m so exhausted I’m about to drop and refusing PiC in my place: I want to snuggle, but not YOU. Mommy is the BEST!
Me: Yep. Yep I am.
Passive aggressive, much?
JB: Who is this card for?
Me: I don’t know yet.
JB: I know! Auntie M!
Me: Maybe.
JB: Well, you don’t HAVE to do it. I’m not making you. You’re the grown-up.
Soliloquies
*dolefully* I was the last one to wake upppppppp. *perks up* Daddy was the first, Mommy was the second, and I was the last! That’s how a family works! Uhhh blood.
Empathy
JB: Mommy, are you washing your hair today?
Me: No honey, my hair doesn’t like being washed everyday. It feels bad. So I wash it every other day. When I was little like you, I washed it every day though.
JB: *thoughtful silence* I’m sorry it hurts when you wash it every day.
:: This has been a weird month and a weird age with JB. We’re staring down kindergarten in the fall. Do you remember your kindergarten teacher?
January 27, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020? Current total: $443.24 for both initiatives.
Pronouns
For years, autocorrect has been the bane of my writing about JB. It constantly turns “zir” and “ze” into “she” or “her”. It finally dawned on me that I use the singular “they” all the time in conversation, why not here? DUH. JB is now they, for blogging purposes.
Pop culture exposure
I found out recently that the daycare doesn’t allow their staff to read or share Disney stuff.
I noticed something like that in the past but I mainly thought it was a more of a ban on superhero stuff so that the kids wouldn’t act out hero/villain dramatic play. (They do anyway, of course.) And I’m positive I’ve seen the staff taking small breaks and letting the kids watch Disney music videos or clips every so often.
Anyway, I think it’s good to have ONE space in their lives that isn’t overrun by Disney marketing. It’s not like it’s a totally Disney-free zone, the kids are allowed to bring their own clothes and toys and books that are Disney, and they do. It’s just that the teachers have to bring in all other learning tools and toys that aren’t Disney, so there’s a better balance.
We’re also making an effort to expose JB to other art and shows and intellectual properties. Some are nostalgic, the new She-Ra and My Little Ponies because I have fond memories of them and the new versions are pretty fun. Some feel more cultural, Studio Ghibli’s My Neighbor Totoro and Ponyo were lovely gentle good for kids movies and I’m discovering SG movies I haven’t yet enjoyed. I’ve always meant to watch Kiki’s Delivery Service, and now I will share that with JB. (Note: turns out it was too early, they weren’t ready.) (more…)