June 15, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1,570.70; Rural libraries, $321.62.
More of a Lawful Good, then
JB was so sad we couldn’t go to the park to play. We’ve got an empty field thing nearby and they’ve been enjoying it a few days a week, staying 20 feet away from anyone who might be there.
I explained that it looked like maybe the ordinances weren’t allowing us to play and we’d get in trouble for violating them. I suggested that, well, since no one was really there, maybe we could go anyway and just be very cautious with masks and touching nothing and bothering no one.
JB: NO! We’re not allowed!! We’ll get in trouble!
Preparing for kindergarten
I’ve submitted all our kindergarten application forms, even though we all have no freaking idea what’s going to happen this fall, and followed up to make sure JB’s preschool teacher has submitted their part. I’ve submitted our lottery entry for the after care program even though that wait list was last reported to be 200 applicants long and I honestly doubt we’ll get in. I’m doing all the “right” things because I’d rather have done them than not if the state of the world starts to come back together in time for some version of fall schooling.
It still feels incredibly unlikely at the moment but we don’t know. We need some semblance of organized childcare and education again but PiC and I both feel very strongly that we’re not comfortable with sending JB back out in this without more and better widespread testing, and some kind of effective treatment for COVID. Waiting for a vaccine is too far out, that’s 1-2 years out at least, but if we have ways to treat it, and contact tracing and testing, that would be a reasonable start.
We got an update from the afterschool program that EVERYONE is now on the waitlist for the foreseeable future.
Kindness Jar
I’ve been looking for ways to repurpose all our medication bottles, I hate tossing them out (recycling but it feels like the same thing) if we don’t have to. JB snagged one of my reserved-with-hope bottles and PiC helped them decorate it for a Kindness Jar. Every time someone does a kind thing, you get a marble for the KJ.
JB has been … Overly Enthusiastic about counting kindnesses.
Mommy cooked breakfast, that was a kindness!
I thanked Mommy for cooking breakfast, that was a kindness!
I petted Seamus, that was a kindness!
We’ve got a real fan of sheep here
It started back in April.
Now, everyone gets compared to a sheep.
JB: Your computer has such a good memory! Like a sheep!
JB: I have a good memory, like a sheep!
Precious Moments
Someday this kid will be able to identify us correctly.
They came running out in the morning: dad??
I called through the bathroom door: he’s outside with the dog.
JB: Oh. Are you Daddy or Mommy?
Me: ….. What??
I still don’t know if they were serious.
Who’s the boss?
JB: I hope I don’t get thrown in the ocean when I die.
Me: ?
JB: I mean, in my case. I don’t want to get through in the ocean in my case. Because there are sharks.
Me: After you die?
JB: Yes!
Me: Do you mean coffin?
JB: yes!
It’s not as fun as you think, y’know?
JB: Why don’t you have to wear glasses?
PiC: I had eye surgery, so I don’t wear glasses anymore.
JB: I wish I could have eye surgery!
Oh because I’m the only klutz around here
JB, holding up the bit of plastic that covers the end of new tape rolls: Mama, you have to take this off, or you cannot use that tape. Just so you know how it works, because I would not want you to get another ouchy.
May 18, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $1551.58; Rural libraries, $321.62.
“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” G.K. Chesterton
Unless you’re JB. In which case, every story with a villain is an infomercial for that villain and their scariness. Every morning and evening, I hear a shriek:
Mommy, I’m scared, (evil villain) is going to get me!
I always intended to put JB in self defense classes but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. And now, of course, it’s not possible to start for a while.
The fear bothered me because I realized JB is a freeze on fear kid. As far back as I can remember, I have been a fight on fear kid, which may or may not have been trained into me by a mean older sibling, but this served me well.
I was bullied at every single school I attended. I always had to put some bully in their place when they tried me and things were much better when I was able to do so quickly and decisively. I only ever had to deal with each bully once, they weren’t used to being shut down effectively and violently.
We have now implemented Monster Training. After reading age appropriate books about kids fighting monsters, I proposed that we take turns scaring each other and learning to fight back. The whole goal for me is to teach them to get scared and then act, not just freezing.
(more…)
March 16, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Milestone birthday
WHO SAID JB COULD TURN 5??
I’m appalled!
364 days of saying “nope you’re not having a party” later and guess what? They didn’t have a party. Guess what else? They are just fine. We did special pancakes with whipped cream, and they got to wear a special birthday outfit, and off to school they went.
We did go out to dinner as a family that evening as well.
Responsibilities
We’ve been building JB’s stable of skills gradually. They should probably have set chores but since we don’t have set days for doing specific housework, I find it more helpful to have them have sub-chores. When I do laundry, they are responsible for bringing me hangers and putting away the clothes I’ve hung up. They are also responsible for hanging up clothes when called upon to do so. They clear the table before meals, set the table or help with cooking depending on the day, and clear after meals. Sometimes they are responsible for just finding an independent activity and leaving me in peace so I can work or cook. They are also still being trained to train Sera – working on appropriate reactions to doggy misgaps and using the appropriate commands to the situation instead of just yelling angrily. (more…)
February 17, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $521.62; Rural libraries, $321.62.
Behavioral challenges
We just got through a really rough patch with JB just being the smallest unit of the most concentrated contrariness ever. I found myself holding my breath and counting off deep breaths A LOT. But then we randomly zipped out of that like coming down a slip and slide into a period of attentiveness, cooperative spirits and unexpected eloquence instead of immediate tears and tantrums when they hear something they doesn’t like:
Us: This won’t fit in your backpack.
JB: Could we try it, just to see?
* What kind of monster says no to reasonable request for scientific inquiry?
PiC in the morning: Today has to be a short dropoff, I have to get to a meeting.
JB 3o minutes later at daycare: Ok daddy, you should go. You need to get to your meeting.
*They were LISTENING? And they acted on the information??
Naturally this means that there’s a spike in not great behavior at school: not listening to the teacher’s instructions, pushing to get to the front of the line, following classmates into bad decisions.
Our teacher / parent friend shared that their experienced educator mentor advised them to always be aware that it’s common to have this teeter-totter of behavior: if they’re terrible at home, they may be great at school, and vice versa. It doesn’t make me feel a lot better though.
Raising JB with minimal technology
JB is coming up on 5 years old very rapidly and we still enforce pretty strict boundaries around technology. They have a fake VTech cell phone (gift from a friend who likes to torment me), and no access to phones, tablets, or TVs at home. Well, no free access. They know how to turn on and off the one television, how to use the camera on my phone but also knows better than to EVER turn on the TV without express permission and they certainly never get free rein on my phone. They may borrow it to enjoy a music video once in a while but from the age of 2, they knew the rule: after the song what happens?
*Emphatic hands* “Give it back to Mommy!”
This isn’t to say they are meant to be a Luddite. They have lots of access to computers and tablets at school, they can play a computer game at the library once in a while, and they has gamer aunties and uncles who share their love of video games. They have plenty of access in the big picture. I want to take this foundational period and foster their love of books and crafts and sports and games and just the plain ability to find a way to entertain yourself before letting them zombie out into games and television. We are addictive personality people, it’s easy to get sucked into tv and never come up for air.
I push them, on our mommy-child days, to do that when I have to work. They will go rustle up a craft, or a coloring book, or a pile of books and sit at my feet “reading” and drawing and the like. I much prefer that to the reflexive flipping on of the television.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with tv, we enjoy shows and movies together, but I want their world to be as interesting and creative as they can make it be before getting addicted to the screen.
What this looks like is sometimes I get irritated because they hang about my desk asking “what can I dooooooo” before figuring out what to do because I refuse to give a concrete answer: figure it out!
Or sometimes in the car they ask to watch a video, get flatly denied, and we end up “mixing salad” in my hat using markers for ingredients and it makes me wonder what they think is food: please add cornstarch, now pepper, now green leaves. Now add purple leaves. Ok now lettuce. Now bell peppers. Now more cornstarch.
It takes more effort to press them to think and they don’t always like it, but I see it bearing occasional fruit where they don’t pester me constantly for ideas, they come up with their own. Like deciding to be art director and hanging art on my pristine refrigerator while I work. Or organizing my to be gifted books in the office. Or cleaning the table off.
Precious Moments
I contain multitudes
JB outside after being scolded: you’re the meanest! Mommy is the meanest!
Me: Yep. Yep I am.
JB that same day, wanting me to snuggle when I’m so exhausted I’m about to drop and refusing PiC in my place: I want to snuggle, but not YOU. Mommy is the BEST!
Me: Yep. Yep I am.
Passive aggressive, much?
JB: Who is this card for?
Me: I don’t know yet.
JB: I know! Auntie M!
Me: Maybe.
JB: Well, you don’t HAVE to do it. I’m not making you. You’re the grown-up.
Soliloquies
*dolefully* I was the last one to wake upppppppp. *perks up* Daddy was the first, Mommy was the second, and I was the last! That’s how a family works! Uhhh blood.
Empathy
JB: Mommy, are you washing your hair today?
Me: No honey, my hair doesn’t like being washed everyday. It feels bad. So I wash it every other day. When I was little like you, I washed it every day though.
JB: *thoughtful silence* I’m sorry it hurts when you wash it every day.
:: This has been a weird month and a weird age with JB. We’re staring down kindergarten in the fall. Do you remember your kindergarten teacher?
January 27, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020? Current total: $443.24 for both initiatives.
Pronouns
For years, autocorrect has been the bane of my writing about JB. It constantly turns “zir” and “ze” into “she” or “her”. It finally dawned on me that I use the singular “they” all the time in conversation, why not here? DUH. JB is now they, for blogging purposes.
Pop culture exposure
I found out recently that the daycare doesn’t allow their staff to read or share Disney stuff.
I noticed something like that in the past but I mainly thought it was a more of a ban on superhero stuff so that the kids wouldn’t act out hero/villain dramatic play. (They do anyway, of course.) And I’m positive I’ve seen the staff taking small breaks and letting the kids watch Disney music videos or clips every so often.
Anyway, I think it’s good to have ONE space in their lives that isn’t overrun by Disney marketing. It’s not like it’s a totally Disney-free zone, the kids are allowed to bring their own clothes and toys and books that are Disney, and they do. It’s just that the teachers have to bring in all other learning tools and toys that aren’t Disney, so there’s a better balance.
We’re also making an effort to expose JB to other art and shows and intellectual properties. Some are nostalgic, the new She-Ra and My Little Ponies because I have fond memories of them and the new versions are pretty fun. Some feel more cultural, Studio Ghibli’s My Neighbor Totoro and Ponyo were lovely gentle good for kids movies and I’m discovering SG movies I haven’t yet enjoyed. I’ve always meant to watch Kiki’s Delivery Service, and now I will share that with JB. (Note: turns out it was too early, they weren’t ready.) (more…)
December 23, 2019
While I fundamentally oppose book banning, the Three Little Pigs book is now banned from our house. JB has called for us 177 times in the night because ze is afraid of the Big Bad Wolf. There is no wolf.
Getting ready everyday
We have “stay at home” days and “not stay at home” days. Big honking surprise, ze has been up early and happily on stay at home days. Ze divebombs our bed, chortling, with lovies in tow, for a good snuggle after which we lie abed luxuriously reading and playing together, if PiC has already taken the dogs out.
Once every fifth blue moon, I wake up first and answer the call: “Dad! I’m awake!”
Burying the lede: I’m allowed to answer those now! I used to get the stinkeye and “I want Daddy.” We snuggle and read in zir bed. Once every tenth blue moon, I can convince zir to quietly get dressed and sneak out with me to walk the dogs to surprise PiC with taking his morning chore. For this one thing, I miss the days when ze was an easy infant (in this respect anyway), portable and without opinions. I’d just bundle zir into the stroller and take them all out.
NOT stay at home days, though, whew. Those have been a struggle.
Ze hates being rushed but also sleeps so much in a solid stint now (10-11 hours at night, probably because ze quit napping 1.5 years ago UGH) that we have to be in bed by 7 pm to have a ghost of a chance of getting up early enough to get ready without rushing. Hah. 7 pm. We have early dinners compared to other local families, but we certainly don’t get dinner, bath and bed done by 7 on weekdays. It’s a series of daily battles and it’s no fun at all.
Feeling the feelings, continued
I first shared this a couple months ago. I’ve been trying to take advantage of quiet mood moments to reinforce identifying and addressing feelings. So far, our range is sad and mad. (And mad is usually enraged and aggressive.)
But once in a while, I clue into the whining and instead of grouching at zir (no whining!) I instead remember to ask: so how does that make you feel? Sometimes, ze gives an honest and reasonably calm answer! In that case, the non-leading-question follow up is: What helps you when you’re feeling mad? Sometimes ze will have an answer to that, too!
Death, again
JB’s friends, a pair of siblings ze enjoys bouncing off the walls with, lost their parent this month very suddenly and we attended his funeral. We talk about death so frequently because we don’t want it to be a dark scary thing for them and it seems to help. JB is sad about zir friend’s dad, he was so good with kids that they genuinely liked him for him and not just as X’s dad, but ze is more focused on the people still here: they spent the wake enjoying each other’s company and looking at pictures together.
A numbers game (that’s way over zir head)
JB: let’s play the numbers game!
PiC: which one?
JB: the one where you guess
PiC: where I guess the number you’re thinking of?
JB: yes. I will pick.
PiC: ok… Is it… 35?
JB: NO! THAT’S NOT THE GAME!
PiC: but you said…
JB: no, I think of a number and YOU GUESS.
PiC: I did!
JB: you’re doing it wrong!!
PiC: are you listening to this?
Me: no, I stopped listening when it stopped making sense.
PiC: 😕
Me: JB, are you talking about the numbers game where you guess by asking “higher or lower”?
JB: YES!
Me: ok then, Dad, guess higher or lower than to narrow down the numbers.
PiC: is it higher or lower than 10?
JB: higher.
PiC: higher or lower than 100?
JB: higher.
PiC: higher or lower than 1000?
JB: higher
PiC *disbelief*: higher than 1000?? You know your thousands??
Me: Dr. Evil. That’s your number.
PiC: a million?
JB: yes!!
JB, guessing: is it higher or lower than 100?
PiC: lower
JB: IS IT ONE??
PiC :… No…
JB: IS IT TWO???
PiC: …. no…. This is going to take a long time.
Me: Honey, ask Daddy higher or lower questions.
JB: is it higher or lower than ONE???
PiC: 🤦♂️it’s definitely higher than one.
JB: is it higher or lower than FORTY?
PiC: lower
JB: is it higher or lower than FIFTY??
PiC: ????
Me: dad said it was higher than 1 and and lower than 40 so it has to be between those two numbers.
JB: what’s “between” mean?
Us: 🤣🤣🤣💀💀💀
Who can fathom the mind of…
JB: Daddy, let’s talk about seed germination. I know there are three parts of a plant (holds up one chubby finger per item): leaves, stem, roots!
PiC: And what do plants need to make energy?
JB: ROCK PAPER SCISSORS SHOOT! *collapses into giggles*
Oh, duh
PiC: Who’s the new art teacher?
JB: There is no new art teacher. It only changes if it’s their last day!
Drat, couldn’t trick zir
JB: Oh, Dad, I can’t tell you that because it’s a Christmas surprise.
Me: What can’t you tell Dad?
JB: It’s a secret! For Christmas. For parents.
Me: Can you tell me?
JB: NOOOOO it’s a SECRET. FOR PARENTS.
:: Were you able to keep secrets as a kid?
November 18, 2019
Thinking ahead to kindergarten / elementary school
Kindergarten is 8:30-1:30. Grades 1-5 is 8:30-2:30. Spring break is a week, Thanksgiving is 3 days off, Winter Break is two weeks. Summer is 10 weeks.
How on Earth do working parents deal with that????
Aftercare and summer camps for summer, I guess. But I hate the mental load that we’re going to have to take on for that and honestly I’m not thrilled with the idea of trusting my 5 year old to various groups I have to get to know before I feel like they’re trustworthy.
I’m feeling obligated to just pick up JB and keep zir home with me while I work. For kindergarten, it’s just one academic year, and that’s just … about 5 hours to fill before PiC gets home and we need to do the dinner/bath/bed trio. Hm. Hm. Hm. I’m not sure. Note – the obligation is entirely in my own mind. PiC is investigating aftercare options.
He’ll support me if that’s what I really want but he’s really in favor of getting aftercare. I suspect I just don’t want it because I hate having to get to know and trust new people all over again.
My parents never had childcare really, it was all on Mom’s shoulders to drop us off, pick us up, feed us, and everything in between. That meant that sometimes we were left waiting an awfully long time to be picked up after school as she was stuck at work late most days. I remember sitting outside the elementary school under a tree, reading a stack of books, waiting for hours hoping she hadn’t forgotten me entirely.
I’m not trying to reproduce that situation, taking it all on my shoulders, and PiC wouldn’t let me anyway. But I still feel this pull to keep JB home with me after school and I haven’t parsed out why, precisely.
When is it “tattling”?
I need to do a better job of differentiating between when I want JB to tell us about someone doing something wrong and when it’s not necessary or appropriate. We have been encouraging zir to resolve differences with the kids in question, which ze is getting better at, but we also need to discuss what things fall under “don’t tattle” (when it’s not causing anyone harm, and it’s just an annoyance that someone isn’t following the rules) and what falls under reporting actual harm.
This immediate “don’t tattle” admonishment was giving me hives because it’s too all-encompassing and I didn’t like that feeling of just telling a kid those two words without further explanation. Like this author, I don’t want to feed into a culture of silence for lacking nuance.
This was a helpful resource.
Because here’s the thing – we don’t want kids to lie, but we also don’t want them “snitching” when other kids do something wrong. How are they going to know what to do and when without more specific guidance? For example, when accused of wrongdoing and they know another kid did it, are they supposed to tell us the truth or stonewall? Personally, I always want the truth whether or not I’m going to be the one authorized to follow up on the other kid, but people call that snitching. What’s your take?
We’ve been talking about the nuance with JB, and ze recently brought up a situation between two classmates and asked, “Was that tattling?” So we’re thinking about it, at least.
Precious Moments
Another circle of life
JB: mom, do Lions eat zebras?
Me: Yes if they can catch them.
JB: Then they EAT them! *gasp*
PiC: There was a Wildkratts book about that.
Me: What does it say?
JB: That.
Me: Oh.
PiC: It’s called Lion Pride. They also talk about honey badgers.
Me: What about honey badgers?
PiC: Lions don’t mess with them.
Me: Why not?
JB: Because they will BADGE them.
Me: Yeah … that’s no good for anyone.
Me in bed after a rough day and night
JB: Hi Mom! You can take as much as you need in bed. But don’t take too much time, or else you might not come with us!
5 minutes later…
JB *bursting in*: Mom. Mom. Can I have … Mom, are you …. Mom where’s your head???
Me: *should I tell zir I’m in the bathroom?*
Priorities
Me: It’s taco night!
JB: I don’t LIKE tacos!
Me: -____-
PiC: Ok, can I have your tacos?
JB backpedaling: But … I need da pwotein!
:: Were you a latchkey kid or did you have a parent or adult at home when you got out of school?