February 4, 2013
Vanessa and I started an interesting conversation on Twitter when I failed to fully grok her meaning behind these tweets:
This surprised me because: I enjoy a good hot drink from Starbucks once in a while and I certainly would love a European vacation. The fact that I haven’t taken one yet is to do with lack of time, money and general coordination. No discrimination either: I’d like a Canadian vacation, a New Zealand vacation, an Australian vacation among numerous other destinations I don’t have time to reel off.
I’ve always considered myself a PF blogger, first and foremost. Certainly for the first 90% of this blog’s existence, I was Tightwad Extraordinaire. But things have changed, as they should, as I earned more and became more financially stable.
The idea that everything but tightwaddery is roundly and generally condemned by PF bloggers comes as a bit of a surprise especially when PF bloggers themselves feel it’s the official theme song. I mean: it’s personal finance.
It’s not Finance for the Good of the People.
It’s not Finance by Fiat.
It’s not Finance: As Long As We All Approve.
The Asian Pear joined the conversation with some elaborations on what is evidently known in the General Standards for PF bloggers.
PF bloggers, we hate life and choice?
Once again, I’m a PF blogger. (Perhaps I’ve been booted out of the “the club” and didn’t know it?) Either way, I do not identify with these general terms and I don’t feel like the people I read or converse with do either. It seems a bit of a shame, in my opinion, if the trend is so clear. Though not to me, apparently I’m oblivious.
My Take
While, no, I don’t think financing living room sets or pricey televisions is a good idea, particularly because I have experience with how shitty that turns out for the responsible person in the household (*cough* family *cough* thanks!), I don’t have any issue with people making life choices that suit the individual. You want to enjoy life? You have the money to pay for it? Excellent. Go for it.
You want stuff and you don’t have the money for it? Well, probably not the best idea. Do what you will, please don’t natter at me if it doesn’t work out. I’ll also choose not to read if it’s a blogger who uses their blog to expound on the many failures and failings of life. We all have a choice here.
I will cop to enabling friend bloggers to buy stuff they’d like but only after I’ve established that it fits in with their principles. (Do they abhor debt beyond anything else? Then would this incur debt? Do they prioritize food over things and feel guilty for spending on more things? Would they be annoyed later that they had more stuff than they can appreciate?) If I’m asked, I will render an opinion. But those are my friends. I only want the best for them and I can suggest one thing or another based on knowing their values.
Otherwise, I only have observational comments for you because it’s Not. My. Life. If flamethrowing commences, which sounds a little bit like what my fellow Tweeters were saying, that’s a bit much.
Unless you plan on subjecting me to your whining over the results of your “bad” decisions (doubt it, I’m too mean for that) or it’s going to materially affect me in some way (again, doubtful), then I really can’t say that I feel like anyone’s life decisions requires much of my concern. Doesn’t mean I might not suggest that a course of action might be more or less advantageous than another if I happen to have had experience with the situation but I completely understand that not everyone is soliciting advice. And as Oil and Garlic mused, even when they do, that doesn’t mean they intend to follow it. So, as a friend says, “nothing to do with me.”
So what’s up with the “Judgy McJudgerson”-type rules of a PF blogger?
Did we (not we, “they”) form a club from which the Commandments are issued over what is good or right and what is bad or wrong when it comes to money and you’re signing on the dotted line to be subject to mockery and derision if you take a different path? Therefore, you have to hide your “unpopular” decisions lest you be judged and summarily executed?
That would a) suck and b) be rather stupid.
Again, I cite “personal finance is personal.” Sure, there are general rules of thumb that make a lot of sense but they’re just general and blindly insisting on rules of thumb aren’t how to run a household or live a lifestyle for each and every one.
I’m not your PF keeper, and you aren’t mine.
Now, I see the general assery that people get up to on the “anonymous” Internets. As a lover of comics who enjoys the occasional sporting event and has various other interests, there’s a particular theme, a common phenomenon perhaps. I see cyclical preoccupation with validating whether or not you’re good enough to carry the card of the in-crowd, whether you BELONG: this is where crap like “fake geek girl”, “geek cred”, the “bandwagon fan”, “fair weather fans” sprouts and thrives.
It’s been referred to as a fandom problem, a genre problem or something specific to the subject. But across the span of occurrences, it really just looks like it’s a people problem.
Our version is apparently at least in part perpetuating a hate-disdain cycle that Miss JJ calls out.
As such, I would like to propose: it’s your money and your life. Do what works for you. Also (Wheaton’s Law) don’t be a dick.
Your thoughts?
Is this as simple as failing the Civility test or is there something more going on? Being controversial for the page views, perhaps? Some people do believe that drama or increase chatter = success.
Note: Turns out MochiMac and I were channeling each other.
October 15, 2012
Things went truly bad last week. Dark times bad. Withdraw from Twitter, my only form of consistent social interaction these days, no writing, bad. Stayed on the edge of the ledge, though, and was able to check back in with the few people who checked in with me, so didn’t totally lose it. Turned the corner on Sunday.
From Twitter: EEmusings of recent traveling thought that no one subscribed to comment threads. Yes? No? I always do, I like to follow conversations for a while and then I subscribe after a while. It annoys me when I don’t get the option to subscribe at all. Though, the stupid WordPress requirement that you confirm your follow is just as annoying.
This article on robo-resume sorting really annoyed me. As a recruiting hiring manager, there’s no magic formula that a machine’s going to follow that will hurk up the perfect candidate. It’ll probably pull out 20% of the decent ones but I absolutely have to read the cover letters and the resumes to find the intelligence and the spark that I’m looking for. The right stuff aren’t keywords, they are elegantly composed thoughts and they are interesting experiences and they have good perspective, common sense, humor and sometimes that includes keywords and sometimes it doesn’t but no machine is going to find each member of my super team. I will, thank you very much. It can take the resumes and letters and sort them so I can read them without eyestrain but that’d be about it. If people can’t figure that much out then no wonder jobs are going begging. /rant.
Honestly, a large part of the problem tends to be HMs trying to force three jobs into one, writing an impossible job description and then of course you can’t find a person who will fit the bill. Five in a million will, and four of them are too smart to take the job, three of them wouldn’t have applied and your machine rejected the fifth.
Funny’s pointless Physical Therapy class sounds just about as worthless as my last one. I was so horrified at having waited for an hour to get to the real stuff that I couldn’t believe the evidence of my senses. The “real stuff” never happened. Ugh.
Katie’s realization about the Emergency Fund: You know, it’s sort of funny that I managed to completely miss that we were polar opposites on this topic at one point. Hah. But I understand, somehow. Go figure. I think it’s funny she used to think I was insane but she’s really going to think I’m nuts now when I say I feel the need to have $100K in emergency money now. 😉 I blame that on SingleMa hitting that target: I’m getting competitive.
No, it’s actually not, it’s obviously more than that and I’ll discuss more later, but it’s because there’s two of us and because we’ve got families that I don’t necessarily believe are 100% financially on the same page. Not that I plan or expect to act as the next family bank but because I also don’t expect to depend on anyone anymore than I did before marriage.
The human capital that Flexo discusses here isn’t something I’ve ever counted on from family. When I was last unemployed, I had an incredible outflow of unimaginably generous and loving support from the blogosphere that knew nothing but my story for which I am still grateful, whilst support with regard to family flowed only outward. Our cost of living has gone up, and my responsibility to my Dad remains, so should there be any catastrophic or major event like a job loss, we would not expect any more help than I alone could have expected: a meal or two, on the fly perhaps. Nothing beyond what a busy acquaintance might offer when asked for a meeting, in other words. And I wouldn’t bother to ask, since time and energy is best spent doing something productive, to my mind.
I might actually be able to reach to friends among bloggers and bounce ideas off them and work with some of them, though, and that’s something to be valued.
DOGGLE UPDATE: He’s driving me batty. Insists on following PiC everywhere when he’s home. Me? Ehhh, he can take me or leave me. We are now fighting the battle of compresses wherein I must convince him to stay in one place long enough to keep a warm towel on him. Mostly I’m hanging onto his hind end lightly (no pressure applied, just have a hand on him) or his tail so he knows I’m there reminding him it would be really nice if he’d stay. He thinks about it, then turns to leave. Then I move my hand and tell him to stay again. Rinse, repeat. He’s really not supposed to move at all except he loses his mind when he’s crated now and sedation upsets him AND his papa so here we are. Sigh. Silly puppy.
MONEY UPDATE: Back on the mortgage refinance trail. Doing a bit of research again. I’m also still feeling the need to save every penny, both for any closing and down payment costs, as well as for any possible house we might want. And there’s this tiny inkling that if we might-maybe possibly consider making any family type changes, I’m going to want every bit of financial stability possible. Aside from that, there’s some travel coming up next year related to weddings and it could be a hell of a doozy. So, y’know. All instincts set to SAVE.
CAREER UPDATE: If I could keep my eyes open during the day or sleep at night, I suspect I would get more done. Slowly becoming nocturnal and this flexible (almost) set my schedule work thing is not exactly doing me any favors. We’re in a crunch period so I am actually needing to do a lot more hours than I’ve actually logged but there’s not been too much pressure to do so because there’s an understanding about my health and a desire not to break me.
August 25, 2012
Someone said his Daddy skills were going to waste on a dog.
I asked if he meant the skills that enabled him to ignore the dancing, sniffing, persistent nudging at his elbow who was nearly perishing of thirst every night for a week at 2 am when we were having a slightly warm spell so that I was getting up instead?
Oh yes. Yes, those – well, apparently Daddy skills like feeding, diapering, taking them out to play, etc., are best practiced in the daytime. They also mean Best Sleep Ever.
Cue the biggest eyeroll of the century, please. I am not amused.
All kidding aside, we’re back on the subject. And with some other life changes going on, it warrants the consideration of whether or when this is something we’re going to do. Mostly me. I’m going to say, mostly me if he’s pawning off pregnancy and night duty. Plus, my blog. Nyeh nyeh. (Yes, we are totally mature.)
I’m more at peace with the ideas of kids eventually, all of my worries are not gone, of course, but I have accepted that they, in fact, are part of life and no, I can’t have my mom back to make this less scary.
It’s when I focus on the pregnancy bit that it all falls apart. There is just nothing appealing about it. Not just because I’ve only heard a million and one truth stories about it, but because for the first time in nearly twenty years, I’m starting to see a chance to repair my health and I’m thinking erm? Pregnancy? That … doesn’t so much sound like a step toward better. And healthier. And less broken. Kids are fun and fulfilling and all that but you know what else? They are hard work. They are responsibility, late nights, long days, lifting and hauling, racing after them, praying to anyone who will listen you can keep up with them this time, keeping them engaged and entertained, teaching them and oh-so-much. But that’s all after surviving a pregnancy, unbroken.
Lauren’s Insta-Grammy #6 triggered this sense that I’d be taking a long jump off a short cliff.
Not that her announcement post didn’t get me in the gut a bit too, but that was in a different, rueful laugh, oh-my-friend, my-suffering-pregnant-friend, let’s get chocolate because there’s a lot of time left on this clock and yes almost every mother I have known well IRL has told me that the GlowyPregnancy was a myth kind of way.
And her update post was simply: Yes. This needs to be a CHOICE. Because it’s too damn painful, difficult, sacrificial or much, at any given point not to be something you want for yourselves. And it’s not something I’ve seen most people regret when it was their active choice. In the long run.
It was this bit, from the first post that made me breathe deeply for a minute:
“Traveling and not feeling 100% always sucks, but we also had a lot of fun. I mostly felt guilty for not being my usual yes yes yes self. Having to leave events before they were finished, having to take breaks and rest in our hotel room during the day, having to start the days a little later than usual in order to pull it together. It all made me feel guilty. Not because other people were at all difficult about it, but because this weekend was about family, and even then I had to take time out just for me and that’s really difficult for me to assert or admit to.”
That description is so apt, and so incredibly familiar, that I wilted a little. I can generally take on the world in so many ways but this? Is me. And this is me on a normal day, much less on a travel day (-5), much less with the addition of family(-20), or the addition of family events (-30), forget the idea of having all the side effects of carrying a childling around in my belly.
My normal has been starting out the day, any day, always at less than 100%. Getting up takes 10%, getting ready takes 15%. Then it’s a 10-12 hour day ahead. Typically with no food, water or bathroom breaks. One if I’m lucky. Home to prep dinner or mewl weakly on the sofa for a while (60/40 which kind of day it’ll be), while PiC takes care of the evening necessities and dinner before collapse.
The imagination quails at the thought of taking a version of that and adding a new, totally unpredictable, factor to it.
There are certainly other plans on the horizon to deal with the insanity of my current life but the health and related energy issue piece when most people don’t really know or understand what’s “wrong” with me, especially when I’ve learned to hide it so well because:
Most people don’t need to know my “weakness”,
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, it’s nice to pretend I’m fine sometimes,
and frankly, I’m tired of hearing uninformed criticisms and advice from people who should know better,
and yet I still feel guilty or judged for taking the breaks I desperately need when I am around the people who, again, know and should understand (but don’t care).
That’s a different level of discomfort I’m now working through.
It doesn’t help having heard how I should “avoid becoming a burden” to others. I already knew not to lean on people anyway, that statement reminded me, again, that I am considered “less than” and that those who might naturally have been thought to offer support will not, in fact, be anywhere but in the Talking Head Category (and now, I hope, geographically very far away) if this proves a difficult journey.
I’m not the person to ask for help or support. I give it, and I take care of others. And if I can’t, then I simply go away, but the last thing I’m comfortable with is asking for assistance, having been so independent for so long. It’s a good thing my sense of self esteem is rather well established by now or these little but consistent zingers would be rather destructive.
Without borrowing trouble, I’m now preparing for the eventuality that in some people’s* eyes, any needs, anything that happens if we choose to do this, any problems, they will all be “my fault” and down to my “weakness.” As I write this, I realize that I can deal with that if I expect it and I will have some support from my own, even if just in spirit.
I hope for the best, that my imagination is more creative than reality should we commit to this, and plan to deal with whatever happens. As usual. Guilt be damned.
*Specific people. But I don’t feel like naming names, though it may make more sense why I’ve bothered addressing it at all if I did. Just not worth it.
March 9, 2012
Balancing acts in adulthood
I’ve been enjoying the conversations over at Wandering Scientist on work life balance. As I teeter into my thirties, I’ve been examining some of the financial and professional choices I’ve made during this decade and reflecting on how effective those philosophies have been and whether they will continue to hold true for the upcoming decade. I suspect that life and money and career in my thirties will be just as interesting a trip, but beyond that? Well, so far I’ve been terrible at prognosticating so I’ll just leave it at that.
As for my twenties ….
These were absolutely the foundation years: completing the final years of undergrad, deciding to hold off on graduate school until I knew better what I wanted out of it, throwing myself into my career at full tilt while digging out of debt and then building up a nest egg. My approach to my career and my money was the same: more is better.
Philosophically, the natural, deeply ingrained, unthinking element was an intrinsic need to achieve something, a drive to have a discernable growth pattern, to do something that seemed tangible. I wanted to build a career, I wanted to have achieved something substantive.
The logical, considered, and reasoned plan was to aim for a position where my work-life balance wouldn’t be dictated by the company because I was highly placed enough where they didn’t care about niceties like when I showed up or how many hours I worked as long as the job was done well. Essentially, I wanted to achieve the ability to talk terms with the company I worked for as long as I was an employee.
***
In Oil and Garlic’s post, A Precarious Balance, she discusses the ignored constraints in finding work-life balance when your income doesn’t stretch to buying flexibility and help. She lists a number of things that one can do to earn or achieve more flexibility from her perspective as a non-manager with a mid-level salary in a HCOLA. That combination probably describes a fair number of us who simply don’t have the ability to buy out of the choices that we have to manage to run households and feed mouths, day to day.
Meanwhile, she notes: At my company, those in manager positions and above enjoy a higher autonomy. They don’t have to ask permission to work from home. They also have the money for nanny and cleaning help, something that my household has paid for but at a great sacrifice (and only temporarily). They can still enjoy many luxuries like massages, travel and dining out. True, they have greater responsibilities, too, and they’ve earned it. But their solutions often aren’t applicable to those those in lower income brackets. In other words, they can buy some balance while many people don’t have that same privilege.
I very much agreed. Having worked many years in retail and other similarly low-wage environments while going to school, I’d observed very early on the vulnerabilities of being in the middle and lower tiers of any organization. One typically has less negotiating power in terms of responsibilities, is considered more expendable or is less valued as an asset to the company, and blends in with the rest of the equivalent employees holding the same role.
In that position, an individual’s power, and the choices one would like to make for oneself tend to lie in the advocacy and kindness of an immediate superior and his or her ability to persuade at least one or more rungs above if flexibility isn’t part of the company policy.
***
In the long-term, that was far too slim a reed for me to rest my life and my family’s lives on, particularly when I had the additional concern of a chronic illness for which there were no immediate prospects for improvement.
Superficially, need and circumstance dictated that I simply earn a living but I was compelled to steer my career trajectory as steeply as I could, as early as I could, while building a strong reputation in my chosen field. My theory was that should I be derailed for any length of time, for any reason, that reputation would serve to smooth my way.
Cloud, of Wandering Scientist confirms, whatever choice you make to take a break for family reasons after you’ve established yourself, you’re usually starting from a better place:
Once you have kids, you can decide whether or not you want or need to ease up on your career, but whatever you decide, it will be easier to keep your career viable if you have a strong reputation built in your earlier years. Whether you keep working or take a break, that reputation will serve you well. I think that one reason I haven’t suffered from much “working moms are slackers” bias in my own career is that I have a sterling reputation for productivity- and have maintained it. But we are also actively recruiting someone right now who is coming back after about 5 years off with young kids. We actually sought her out and asked her if she was ready to come back, on the basis of having been impressed with her work before she took the break.
Details will differ a bit across industries but the basis makes sense to me – someone who had a solid reputation before taking a break would have a leg up on someone who hadn’t established one.
***
My personal net worth has gone from -$50,000 in family debt to around $100,000 in assets over the course of nine years in addition to paying for all living expenses for a family of four. While it’s no great shakes, it’s certainly a fair start at a real financial basis with which to start a family.
I haven’t taken a break yet, and I don’t know if and when I (or we) will decide that it’s time to, but right now, I’m in a strong building phase of my career and striving for higher earning power. It’s only partly a joke that I’m trying to outearn PiC before the end of this year. That’s partly ego, and partly practicality. If I’m the higher earner, and we start a family, there’s a stronger case for him to stay home with the kids! 😉
In the end, my choices throughout my twenties were tailored to setting the scene and creating opportunities for freedom and better choices in the future.
February 6, 2012
I’ve been watching Jenny, The Bloggess, take the world by Symbolic Red Dress storm, and it’s been pretty amazing. The traveling red dress really did start as a red dress, and it really did travel and then it became a magical thing wherein people took the idea and began donating red dresses and all manner of “red dresses” of all shapes, sizes and colors, and offering their services as photographers and generally empowering one another to become stronger people in one way or another.
It’s a pretty cool story.
And most recently, in all of the furor, Jenny was offered a finalist’s slot for a Health Activist Award. She said: No.
As someone who feels like there are always about twenty different battles to fight or causes to support or banners to uphold, where it’s hard to make the choice that’s true to yourself and your strength, I felt there was something incredibly smart and good about that “No”. It wasn’t meant to be, it was just honest. And these days, there are so few people who are willing to do something that could be uncomfortable but honest that I’m impressed by it.
She was willing to forgo an honor and the spotlight because she didn’t feel able to do the things required in order to get the goods. She didn’t pitch a fit, she didn’t use her platform to foment, in fact, she used it to explain why she was begging off, rather apologetically.
“I’m not sure if i was chosen because of my rheumatoid arthritis or my mental illness issues but the latter sort of keeps me from doing web chats or phone calls or any of that. My anxiety is just too strong right now for me to take on anything else. But I’m so honored. If you’d rather give it to someone less crazy than me though I totally understand. I just have to take care of myself a bit more and that means saying no when I want to say yes. I hope you understand.”
Really, how can you not smile at that?
In the end, she won the award anyway so begging off made no difference to the result but she did preserve her strength and her sanity which were really truly necessary and what was to be, was.
It’s a really nice reminder to me that we all have limited time, space and energy. We all, especially us spoonies, have to be aware of it and be smarter about how we choose to spend any of those things. The external stuff matters but how much we let it affect our choices is really up to us and we should remember that the outside world goes on as it will as we continue our personal journeys.
In the wider world, the need to earn a living to live the life we imagine requires that we make choices to grow and build but sometimes, we have to say no to create space for our lives. There’s such beauty in learning the wisdom of saying “thank you, but no” and learning when it’s right to say it.