April 11, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 17: Hello Monday, we meet again. It started with my scalp itching dreadfully. It has for the past four days. Something set off my allergy-to-something that causes me to itch intensely at random times mostly when I’m trying to sleep. Ugh. Also I enjoyed chills and night sweats alternately all night too! Woot.
Then a jolt of stress with the news of a new sub-variant (but who didn’t see that coming?) (And when are we going to get any real protection for Smol and their cohort??)
Then we had JB shenanigans, they and PiC really got into it so I had to step away from work and take them to school to let them get some space.
Shortly after that, our invitation to start daycare in July landed in our inbox with a very short window to respond or lose our spot but we still don’t have a good vaccine. NGAH.
*****
Smol had such trouble with naps today! It led to a very Smol-activities day. I suspect the first time they were overtired and it took over an hour of fussing and playing to get settled.
I did a lot of work yesterday in anticipation of today’s bad napping and between nap times. We had lunch and then took Sera for a walk. They learned how to give Sera treats and Sera was very polite in taking them one at a time only when Smol was ready.
Then they both played / sunbathed / picked at weeds in the backyard for half an hour. That was a touch too much outside time for all of us.
When they got grouchy over nothing and flopped on their face, earlier than expected, that seemed like a sign. Just in case, I asked if they were tired and all done. They signed “all done.”
A short nap later, I had to retrieve them again because PiC had had a morning of meetings and JB pickup time, and needed to get SOME work done.
This time I spent my hour laying down and reading to them while they sat on my chest, snatching at my glasses like a crow in training and tore paper into bitty bits. That was … Fun? They really need to stop sitting on my chest. They’re heavy!
Thank goodness for leftovers but dammit I ran out of time and didn’t order in delivery for tomorrow and I think we’re going to be out of leftovers by lunch.
*****
I rounded out the night with reviewing our tax amendments and portfolio. I’m still working on getting CA to cough up my refund for 2017, Federal to cough up my correct refund for 2018 and we’re filing the amendment to 2019 for both now. Crossing my fingers that those will be resolved in the next three months.
A review of PiC’s employer connected portfolio made me rethink my “individual stocks are fine” mentality I had when reading Nicole and Maggie’s thoughts on ther
Year 3, Day 18: The 4:30 am babbling and yips were not at all promising for this day. PiC was my hero, taking Smol at 5 when it was clear they weren’t letting up with their conversational gambits. We had to make a real effort to get through the first part of the morning.
*****
I’m trying to let myself be honest with myself about the need for space between myself and family who have stirred up so much anger and betrayal with their stances toward COVID that I don’t even know what to do about it. (My therapist would say there’s nothing TO do, just feel. And that’s really hard for me.) Their approach has been, at best, reckless this entire time and I’ve been trying to pretend it wasn’t hurtful and enraging. I knew that nothing I said would make a difference. They’re completely set in their Fox News inspired stance and so I did my best to maintain neutrality toward them. But we’re in Year 3 and while my world has turned upside down, they continue blithely going about their lives with hardly any changes that aren’t imposed by others. And I’m so angry about all the loss, all the sacrifices, all the risk that the rest of us are having to deal with. I’m so angry that my kids have to miss out on family time because the rest of the family won’t vaccinate and some of them won’t even mask around the vulnerable members of the family. My heart is bruised. I’m in this storm and even though I have people here with me, the betrayal of my chosen family is so hard to bear. I feel alone when it comes to them. I know that it’s most intense right now because we’re still in it and because of the news about the vaccine being so much less effective with the new variants. Maybe these feelings will pass with some distance.
But I do have the right to be angry about how their choices directly affect us, now. That right isn’t something I’ve afforded myself in adulthood and it’s been harmful in a lot of ways.
*****
Poll: Is it possible for kids to stop interrupting and to remember as many as TWO directions they’ve been given after 30 seconds? Evidence currently suggests no. JB wanted to run a message to PiC, and I instructed them: Go tell Dad, then come back to clear the table and wash up your lunch stuff.
They return 14 seconds later and have already completely forgotten to clear the table. Come ON!
Year 3, Day 19: Well, when Smol makes it past 6 am AND has a good first nap, everything seems right with the world. I got some work done / rested on my duff so my body recovered enough from bad sleep and stress. When they got up at lunch time, we went right into a hearty pasta and fruit lunch, which they mostly ate instead of throwing on the ground. Except the sour fruit. That went flying. But a solid meal after a solid nap? It’s like heaven here!
*****
I am bearing a lot of sadness this week over our losses of last year. From one friend after another dying from various causes to (I can only hope temporarily) losing loved ones to their own battles, 2022 is the one year anniversary of a lot of loss, a lot of grief, and a lot of sadness.
I caught myself in a old habitual cycle of blaming myself for being a bad friend, as well, and that was distressing but after a while and after unburdening my heart a little to friends who are still here, I saw where I was sliding down the spiral again.
*****
Smol’s second nap was respectable enough that I managed to get through the critical work for the day and knocked off at 530 just as a blinding headache smashed into my right eye and took over my brain. I popped two acetaminophen and thanked the weather sprites for giving us a heat wave this week, on this day, that meant that I could take the kids outdoors for an hour and catch some warmth to attempt to shake it. We dug holes to plant sprouting potatoes, we found surprise purple potatoes that I didn’t know had ever sprouted because the plants never made it aboveground, and Smol attempted to eat a fresh dug potato. They didn’t like the taste of the dirt. I got some lovely pictures of all the kids and lots more silly bloopers.
PiC emerged from the office cave when we came back inside and thankfully cooked up a quick dinner. I was flat out of ideas and ability to stay upright. My back and legs ached and my stomach was cramping up a storm.
Naturally this being the night that I feel the absolute worst and couldn’t even stand up for shower, this is the night our accountant finally sends over the tax return for review. Of course!
I logged another hour at my desk poring over each page and marking down corrections. Glad I’d made a list of likely problem areas beforehand, it gave my brain a place to get stuck in when all my body wanted to do was fall over and stay down. It’s just too close to the filing deadline for me to be comfortable with pushing it off another day when she might not be able to make the edits for a day or two. I prefer to file in FEBRUARY so we’re well past my comfort zone. And it’ll be such a relief to shelve that to do.
Year 3, Day 20: I’m very sorry for all the people who hate it but I love the short heat wave that brought us high 70s – low 80s today. My grieving soul and aching body deeply needed this brief hug from the weather. I love the heat, I love being able to walk around outside in just one layer and not three. I love how fast my towels dry and how they smell almost toasty when they do. I love how quickly dishes dry when we air dry them. I love how I’m not freezing from the moment I get out of bed to the moment I get back into bed.
I don’t love the necessity for lots of sunblock every outing and lotion for thirsty skin but it’s worth the tradeoff for water balloon games and working outdoors and soaking up the heat to defrost my frigid marrow.
JB is among the set who doesn’t appreciate the heat by the by, they flung themselves through the doorway with the dramatic flair of a person discovering an oasis in the desert. That lasted until they realized this means cold treats and water balloons. Then they got on board with it.
It’ll go back to normal tomorrow but for today, I’m appreciating the good we have since the bad we have (so much pain, so many aches) is ever-present.
*****
I was worried about Smol’s inattention to reading last month. Today they decided to set that at ease with a vengeance. Not only did they very much want me to read to them before every sleep, they wanted a minimum of four books and at least two of them were specific requests. They refused to let me sing their going to bed song until I read Carl’s Afternoon.
Year 3, Day 21: Whew. A solid first nap from Smol let me get through a huge portion of my work this morning.
PiC took them out for an hour in the afternoon and I got through another lot then, plus their second shorter nap. I finally felt less stressed signing off this Friday than most every other Friday.
We got through this week but it was still very much a fail on the physical activity side of things. PiC was never able to get out for a run and that always makes a week feel not good.
*****
I did get our taxes done though! I was shocked we were due for a refund.
*****
Smol’s finally starting to get the “ready” sign a little bit, they were previously trying to slap MY knees, and “read” is coming along nicely.
They’re getting into absolutely everything and I can’t say with any certainty if we’re going to survive all this intact. We’re so tired.
I am really glad that we have a meal ready to go tonight. So tired.
April 4, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 10: Somehow, it’s never easier in the way you’d think it’ll be when just one of us has the day off. One of us is trying to use that time to get a lot of work done and then overdoes it, leaving the other one to overdo it with childcare and meal prep, and then everyone’s grumpy.
On top of that, Mondays are definitely the day you find out that someone screwed up two months ago. That despite your weekly confirmations that progress was being made on this project and finding out that not only was it not being made, it was never going to be worked on ever, and all your reassurances to dozens of stakeholders that it would be ready soon were wrong. Yes definitely a Monday thing. Chewed up precious precious time I did not have to spare. Chewed up patience I did not have to spare. Harumph.
Today felt like Friday. It was not.
*****
Smol times… While this is my favorite age range for babies/toddlers, it’s also the time they start the real tantrums when thwarted and it lasts longer than the time it takes to distract them with something else that’s shiny. They’re also really quick to spot anything you’re holding and declaring they MUST SEE IT. So thaaaat’s fun. (more…)
March 28, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 3: As promised, the Things Got Even Harder edition!
Challenge 1: 3 hours of sleep, y’all. Painsomnia had me deep in the marrow and it burned until 3 am. Of course, right when I finally drifted off, Smol’s white noise app, which runs on an iPhone so old it’s literally splitting apart, shut off and up popped Smol like a chirping jack o’lantern. I fixed it and went back to bed quietly cursing, and finally slept at 4 am. Fab. U. Lous.
Perfect way to start an incredibly hard first day of a tough week.
Challenge 2: PiC had to go on site for work today. That left me with Smol most of the day. So naturally….
Challenge 3: Smol woke up after a 45 minute nap sobbing fit to wake the dead. I’d prepared myself for a short nap and so I maintained my emotional equilibrium. I sat on the floor with them patting and humming, my butt going entirely numb, waiting for them to calm down. Usually they take about 10 minutes to stop crying and then signal they’re ready to get going. Today was weird. Of course it was. They kept kneeing me in the stomach when I stopped humming or patting, so I kept it up, working on my phone as much as I could while also patting and humming. My arms and butt were losing feeling steadily. But I figured I’d enjoy the cuddle however long I had it, it’s rare that they sit still anymore. Then they finally sat up, I got ready to get up, and FLOP. They burrowed onto my left shoulder, right cheek bright red. They’d been sleeping! And were going to keep on sleeping. Alrighty. So they got a catnap laying on me while I did what little I could on my phone. Momentary regret that my phone is too decrepit to have more work apps so I could make the most of that time.
Challenge 4: When they felt ready to get up, it was time to go go go for three hours. Time for food, play, more play, try to cram in a minute or two of work here and there whenever they veered off to do their own thing for a bit. Already tired, this was a particularly rough patch.
Challenge 5: Realizing I botched my own weekly meal / dinner plans by not ordering earlier. They sold out. Sigh. I’m too tired to kick myself. I’m just disappointed. We’ll figure it out.
*****
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March 21, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 361: *The day numbering reflects when I started chronicling our lives in the pandemic, about a week or two into the shutdowns.
This two year “anniversary” of when our lives all turned upside and stayed upside down has been bonus difficulty levels with a yucky cherry on top. We’re all frustrated and angry because even with little bits of “normalcy” like in person school for JB, everything else remains so topsy turvy that the stressors outweigh any good exponentially.
I’m starting to feel some resentment that folks have routine childcare support and we don’t even though I care about them and want them to have it. Or envy of that resource at least. I’m most definitely resentful that companies are acting like things can go back to normal now and are scheduling in person travel and conferences as if we parents of under 5s don’t have ENTIRELY unprotected kids. I’m so angry and tired of feeling like every minute of every single day is a slog because we can never take a break. We can swap off childminding for an hour or two at a time, yes, but there are always chores to do and there is always household stuff to do and we are always fighting against a tsunami of Needs to carve out any time for ourselves. And then I feel like an absolute heel for complaining, even just in my head or here, because there are lots of people who are in far far far worse situations.
*****
Some of this is because things that were already hard are going to get even harder. PiC has to go back to work on site. He now has conferences that require him to travel. I have absolutely ZERO idea how we’re going to manage that.
Spring break and summer are fast approaching. We’ve looked at multiple scenarios and they’re mostly impossible to manage because it adds hours of commute in addition to our work and Smol Acrobat schedules. And no matter what we choose, daycare or some combination of camps and at home virtual stuff, it’s going to cost $2000 a month just for JB.
I broke down and cried today. I don’t know how much more I can give.
***** (more…)
March 14, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 354: Smol started the festivities at FIVE AM.
I, having had severe heartburn until 2 am, was less than pleased. And less than half conscious. Thank goodness PiC took them for the morning round as usual.
I finally crawled out just after 7 am, barely functional and wishing for day’s end. What a way to start the week!
*****
JB had the gall to watch PiC making their lunch, to their exact specifications, and then asked: can I buy lunch today?
I came down on that like a ton of bricks. How rude!! Children, I tell ya.
*****
We had leftover ramen for lunch, yum. I’m glad that PiC pushed me into catering to my cravings yesterday. There was nothing on Bentocart we wanted so we decided that local takeout would be our “ease the pain” meals this week. It’s still surprising how much decision making capacity is freed up by choosing ahead of time to pay for just two meals that someone else cooks ready to reheat for dinners and maybe some leftovers for lunch. The planning ahead is one huge bonus, we’re no longer stressing over what to order and pick up while juggling two kids who need our attention now now now. We plan ahead and get the meals in the course of our chores. It also frees up enough energy to cook the rest of the week, without scraping rock bottom, or snarling to ourselves like bewildered rabid badgers!
Saturday afternoon I had cooked a big batch (4 large chicken breasts, from 2 Costco chicken packs) of the baked panko chicken. Remembering to spray oil on the foil before baking was instrumental to this batch turning out better than my first try and JB declared it their FAVORITE. That was a big enough batch for two dinners and a snack. I’d not have this foresight or energy without the takeout assist.
*****
I finally asked the right questions and updated my spreadsheets with a whole chunk of investing information on a portion of PiC’s portfolio I didn’t have before. We make decisions on that portfolio together but since I’d assumed the website was through his company intranet, I couldn’t access it. Not true! So now I have a whole load of information at my fingertips to work with and make better decisions with. That’s exciting.
***** (more…)
March 7, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 347: An ill-timed Amber Alert at 1 am woke me up and destroyed my ability to sleep the rest of the night. 😩 It was not good. Smol was up before 6 am which was also not appreciated and so I welcomed the dawn with bones made of lava. Le sigh.
*****
JB’s latest musical obsession is with the soundtrack from Encanto and it’s deeply uncomfortable. The songs cut so close to home and especially after brain therapy, Surface Pressure broke what little remained of my composure:
I don’t ask how hard the work is
Got a rough, indestructible surface
….
Under the surface
I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service
….
Give it to your sister, it doesn’t hurt and
See if she can handle every family burden
Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks
No mistakes, just
Pressure like a grip, grip, grip, and it won’t let go, whoa-
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February 28, 2022
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 340: Woof. Still recovering from the weekend physically. And I foolishly skipped the full dose of diphenhydramine I’ve been taking to force myself to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. On purpose or by accident? I don’t remember. Either way, I couldn’t sleep until very late and then couldn’t get up early. Sigh. I don’t want to be dependent on a sleep aid in the sense that I always need it to help me sleep at a reasonable hour but I am very dependent on sleep to live. Not loving this impasse. But for now I’m putting myself back on the full dose this week to get my body the rest it needs.
Upon emerging from our bedroom, in my haze, I was greeted by a chuckling Smol escaping from the bathroom, zipper bag of trial size mouthwashes swinging from one hand, headed straight for my knees. They were in such a good mood, it was a bit contagious, especially when they started chasing me around the house cackling.
*****
I’m fighting with myself to maintain a healthy boundary in one of my relationships. A loved one is having financial difficulties after an already long and arduous road to get where they are today. I have been supporting them for years in various ways, knowing that I have to NOT go overboard and have been relatively good about making myself stick to boundaries, but I still instinctively want to rescue them. I know that is unsustainable, it can’t be my (fifth) job, and it cannot be what my life revolves around. But it’s still hard to tell that part of me to sit down and just care without trying to take on their burdens for them.
This impulse is what my biodad played on for so long and it needs to be corralled.
I also have to stop feeding that deep down belief that I only have value when and if I help people. I need to find the belief that I am a good enough person as is somewhere in me.
***** (more…)