February 1, 2021
About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag a dog into his shambles of a life?? But in 40 years, adopting Seamus was probably the one unmitigated good thing he’s ever done.
Seamus was smarter than any dog I’ve ever met, and I’ve met a lot of dogs in my years of working with animals. He was dignified, chock full of patience, and clever as all get out.
Back in the early 2000s, I would occasionally bring him to work with me. It made my horrible office job in LA on and off again tolerable. On his first day, he unerringly identified, and ignored, the most evil person in the office. He sat in our meetings, and even when he was climbing into a colleague’s lap for some cuddles – all 105 lbs of him! – he was whisper silent. We carpooled to work in those terribly stressful days, and he would silently rest his head on my colleague’s shoulder in the front passenger seat, resting his butt in the back seat, the whole ride home.
In my rare downtime with friends back then, we’d occasionally pick up fast food and eat it in our living room. I remember how he “begged” for food. He would politely sit several feet away, across from the person most likely to break under the pressure and watch them until they broke down.
I remember when we rescued him and brought him to the Bay Area several years ago. I had been struggling with wanting to help Seamus but being uncertain I could take on his challenges in addition to my highly stressful job AND Doggle. I was pregnant with JB, too, so I didn’t want to make a rash decision and take on more than we could handle. Then I’d heard that my trainwreck sibling had crossed a line, he hit Seamus, and that sealed it. We went to get him.
6 and change years ago. 15 lbs too thin, welts and weeping rashes and sores all over his body from allergies, bright eyes and a heart the size of the sun. We still had Doggle back then. We we invited Seamus to join our little but growing family, he hopped in the car and tucked himself neatly behind an oblivious Doggle who he hoped to make his very best friend without a moment’s hesitation. He still loved my sibling because that’s just who he was but he was also going to grab the offer to save his life. It was the beginning of the best journey and my biggest heartbreak.
We started our life with him with a bath and a 9 hour car ride back to the Bay Area. He became Doggle’s tan-colored shadow. He was miles smarter than Doggle who had a vague notion of what dogs are, but he was humble and sweet, absolutely willing to use his smarts to get along.
Making squeaky toys squeak, the joy of his life, was verboten because Doggle thought he was hurting the toys. So Doggle would huffily confiscate Seamus’s toys as they squeaked, one by one. Seamus would watch them go, sadly, but without protest. When they were all lined up in Doggle’s animal rescue (the crate), Seamus would come to me and request liberation of the toys. He wouldn’t get them himself, crossing Doggle directly simply was Not Done.
We tackled his health issues on multiple fronts. We changed his diet and put him on steroids. He hopped into the tub on command and submitted to medicated baths three times a week for his sores, he stretched out on the ground and laid still as long as required for me to medicate and treat his hot spots all over his raw feet. He was a blinking mess physically, but he cooperated every single step of the way as we trial and errored our way to a healthy weight and healthy skin and coat. It took months of effort, and I’ve never been prouder in my life of anything than the day I ran my hand backwards across his fur and confirmed that his entire body was entirely free of the persistent and painful sores that once blanketed his body.
In turn, he helped me out. As my pregnancy progressed, he would come help me up when I got stuck on the sofa. He’d let me lie on his side for a cuddle when the back pain was too much.
Months into his health ordeals, JB arrived on scene. Despite never having been around children before, he took one look at the baby and claimed that puppy for his own. We always joked that we had a third co-parent but it wasn’t really a joke – he had opinions about infant JB’s care and he shared them quite clearly.
No one was allowed to come in and pick up his baby without checking with him first. PiC pretending to toss JB like a football? UNACCEPTABLE. Make him stop, he ordered me with a low yodel, that’s not funny. One parent was taking too long to soothe the crying baby? He’d fetch the other human. The number of times I caught myself arguing with him that a particular cradle or solution of his wouldn’t work? An embarrassing number. Up for a middle of the night diaper change? So was he. He would stand up on his hind legs to oversee the change on the changing table – the only time he’d ever stand on furniture. When we were sleep training, he would station himself in the room with the squalling child. Whenever JB was playing or creeping on the ground, he would stretch out casually and “pass out” but he was always really closely paying attention.
Until JB learned to walk / run, he hovered. It wasn’t obvious until he relaxed his guard, seemingly telling us that he didn’t need to worry anymore because they were strong enough to cope without his constant nursemaiding. But he always cared about their well being. Woe unto anyone who scared his baby. He’d never picked a fight with any dog but when a small terrier jumped on JB and startled them into crying? Seamus dashed 50 meters to appear by their side ready to kick that dog’s butt. We had to talk fast, explaining that JB was unharmed, or he might have eaten that dog for supper. When they cried, real crying, not dramatic fake crying or tantrum crying, he would station himself nearby to keep them company. Even when walking was hard for him, even if they were so angry they didn’t want anyone around, he was always there for them. On his last day when they finally realized what his appointment meant for us, when they wailed out their grief, he wobbled over to check on them.
He always intervened when we were frazzled and disciplining too harshly – you’d find a gentle paw on your hand or your shoulder, and get a look. But he didn’t just tell us what to do as parents, he was also our hall monitor. When I worked from home, he was my work buddy. We’d sit on the rug together and he’d hog the space heater, leaning back on my legs. We’d sit like that until it was time for his walk. When Sera came along, the two of them would simultaneously loom on either side of my laptop when I lost track of time. On mornings I slacked off and ran errands before starting work, I heard my marching orders. He expected me at my desk and working before ten am and told me so in no uncertain yodels. No excuses, get to work!
It wasn’t just us, the world loved him on sight. We took him anywhere we could and he always collected a band of admirers, hoping to pet him. He welcomed it all with a tail wag and a grin. Children of all ages would come right up to our boy and ask to pet or hug him and he basked in their joy. When we took friends around town, he’d come along to soak up the adoration of the masses. He was a loving charmer, full of smiles and good cheer for anyone who needed it, and thrilled to meet a new face anytime.
He wasn’t just an attention sponge either. He could read people. He always knew if someone was scared or uncomfortable and he always gave them exactly what they needed to they needed to ease their fear. He was so good at this, he won over our friend who has been deathly afraid of dogs his entire life. Our friend is still afraid of dogs but Seamus? Seamus was invited to their home and hand fed treats by our friend who has never once petted a dog because he was so afraid of them. Seamus was magic on four paws.
I’d say he was brave but it may be more that he was fearless. There wasn’t a thing in all these years that unnerved or scared him. He strongly disapproved of certain things: rudeness, fireworks, and the postal service coming right up to put mail in slots (mailboxes were ok, mail slots were “trespassing”) but he wasn’t afraid of them. They simply did not meet his standards.
His favorite destination was the vet where he could meet all manner of new pets and people. To my embarrassment, in his later years, he would yodel-scold people if they were standing around not petting him. Worse, when I apologized and explained why he was yodeling at them, they would comply. I could only shake my head. There’s something about him.
Just last week he dug his geriatric heels in. COVID had stolen a year of his social life and he had had enough. On a walk on a rare sunny day when all the dogs were out for a walk, he demanded to meet at least one puppy before we went home.
He should have spent this last year sunbathing, being doted on by passersby, running his heart out, playing fetch. He loved us all but he felt the world constrict around him as the pandemic took away physical contact and his health began to fail.
Unfortunately, in the course of this past year, he suffered from more than a dozen UTIs, several eye ulcers (one severe enough I thought we’d lose the eye), hot spots as his allergies flared intermittently, urinary incontinence, hyperthyroidism, increasingly severe arthritis, advancing neurological weakness that severely affected his gait, and mysterious weight loss. We did every single thing we could to heal his hurts and manage his pain but inevitably, we reached a point where there was nothing left to add to his personal pharmacy. He had a complex sheaf of prescriptions rivalling that of any human senior citizen and it was painful watching him stumble and deteriorate. I’d give just about anything for a few more good years with this good boy, but for his sake, we finally had to make the decision to let him go with our love. I’ll never be ready to live without him. I’ve cried a river and my heart is shattered. But we couldn’t be selfish and keep hanging on for one more day.
“Why does he have to die?” asked JB. Why indeed. Of anyone, he deserved another decade of good hard running, fetch for days, and all the good food he could handle.
PiC often reminds us that when someone we love passes, they’re still in our hearts. JB on the first of many hard nights without our boy cried, “I don’t feel like he’s in my heart because he’s dead.” I feel the same way. There’s an enormous hole where Seamus was. We miss the sound of his footsteps. We catch ourselves reaching to refill his medicine, checking his water bowl, planning for his next every two hour outing. We miss his politely inquiring nose at the dinner table, nudging our elbows as he draws exactly level to the table top but never reaching higher. We miss his meander under the dining table to roll under the feet of the person he deemed worthy of petting him with their toes. We miss his popping up when the baby is crying to gently snuff the head and confirm it’s ok. We miss the weight of his butt resting on our laps as he backs up to share my lap with JB or Smol.
I keep expecting him to come open the bathroom door to tell me to hustle myself out to breakfast, or hear him tapping down the hall to fetch me to punt Sera off the bed he wanted, or to tattle that something wasn’t to his liking. I can’t shut my office door without half expecting him to shove it open because he likes keeping an eye on all his people. He didn’t like to be separated from us, so he always picked the spot that was equidistant from everyone to monitor. If that wasn’t possible, he’d go guard JB.
The nights may be the hardest. We can almost see him out of the corner of our eyes during the day as we keep busy, but at night, the silence weighs heavily.
We miss him so much.
It was an honor and a privilege to care for this giant among dogs, the best dog we have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
January 25, 2021
Week 45 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 45, Day 312: We miss grocery shopping pre-COVID. We love browsing the shelves and coming up with new foods and recipes to try. My appetite is really suffering these days. It makes me want to just revert to takeout all the time but honestly, even takeout palls after a while.
As a homebody, this doesn’t happen too often but I feel trapped today. I wanted to make this a good day where we enjoy the rare sunny day but everyone was grouchy when I got up and so that made me grouchy, and I want to put this day in the bin.
I want to take the kids somewhere but there’s nowhere to go. We can’t go swimming, we can’t go to the craft store, we can’t see most friends safely. Everything has to be carefully planned and spaced out to be sure we’re not putting anyone at unnecessary risk. Sigh.
We did find a safe place to hike, eventually! Though it was hot enough for ME to be happy and comfortable, that meant it was too hot for JB who got TIRED and WHINY about halfway through the outing. I calmly pointed out that a little suffering wasn’t going to break us and that we could manage to keep the day from going to pot if we took some breaks, had a bit of snack, and powered through. We probably walked and jogged about 2 miles over two hours which is the furthest I’ve gone in months. I hope it helps me sleep better.
We were all tired mid-afternoon but I’m still glad we made it out. I juuuust kept a lid on my temper as JB asked 20 million questions while we mixed up some cornbread for dinner together but it was a very close thing. I had to put some brakes on before it went too badly.
PiC had them help him with some coffee grinder. That went a little less well but they found their way back to playing pretend after a bit.
(more…)
January 19, 2021
Week 44 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 44, Day 305: My jobs today were: 1) revive my old iPad, 2) talk to the vet about Seamus, 3) set up a therapy appointment for myself, 4) keep Smol Acrobat alive, 5) fax our representatives to insist on accountability for the Jan 6 and ongoing coup attempts.
#1 and #4 took me all flipping day.
#1 was not a continuous effort, I just had to keep coming back to a failed restore and start again. I hate Apple products.
#4 was naturally an all day endeavor. Smol is currently refusing to sleep unless they are being held. In related news, I’m in the market for new arms to replace these two falling off. PiC and JB were doing yardwork so I managed SA and their need for constant cuddles forever. It’s surprisingly tiring and a small part of me is grateful for our current stay at home orders because I remember how hard it was to do this all day all alone but for Seamus who couldn’t hold the baby for me.
#2 was heartbreaking but we had a necessary discussion.
#3 was initiated but I haven’t heard back.
#5 has to happen tomorrow.
Week 44, Day 306: I got three hours of sleep. ZOMBIE TIMES. After handing over the baby to PiC for the morning shift and trying to catch another nap, unsuccessfully, I hauled myself out of bed to deal with pumping and eating and all those other lovely basic necessities that I resent so much when I’m dog tired.
Today’s top priorities: 1) Contacting our representatives – DONE. 2) Do more data / files clean up because our cloud storage is running low. 3) Overseeing get well cards for sick relatives – MAILED. 4) Take another swipe at setting up the iPad. 5) Refill Seamus’s meds – ORDERED.
Thanks to OMDG for this JAMA article link: “Under baseline assumptions, approximately 59% of all transmission came from asymptomatic transmission: 35% from presymptomatic individuals and 24% from individuals who are never symptomatic (Figure 1).”
Week 44, Day 307: It seemed like the day was a bust between my getting up super late (long night with Smol meant I needed a longer mid morning nap), a long-winded call with a relative, and the hours spent with the Comcast tech trying to figure out WTAF is wrong with our connection. He removed some attenuators and that helped with half the problem. I pulled the plug on our range extender and that helped with the other half. Here’s hoping it actually works for more than two days.
At 4:30 I got my butt in gear and started dinner prep super early. I had this vision of prepping dinner, walking the dogs, then hitting the Target parking lot for a drive up pickup of the things I needed to clean our dishwasher and try to cut my hair.
What actually happened: I put the first half of dinner in the oven, vetoed Daniel Tiger for JB, took them and the dogs out for a walk, deferred the Target run to tomorrow, and had JB work on several chores while I finished making the salad and pumping milk.
On the subject of dinner: We had our Home Chef delivery today and I think I’ll throw together a review for it. Getting dinner on the table by 6:30 and much of the evening routine done myself since Smol Acrobat was holding PiC hostage felt really good. I haven’t felt physically able or mentally competent to mentally organize / prioritize / execute like that in a long time.
I’m truly appreciating the glimpse into what it’s like to feel capable again, and not just struggling to get the bare minimum done while feeling like a failure.
Week 44, Day 308: I’m pondering on the situation of a dear relative who we’ve been helping out a lot through some serious circumstances. These are thoughts I’d never share with them because they’re about me as it relates to them, not about them, and also because it’ll sound judgy. It’s not meant to judge them, though, it’s just me weighing things.
They have made some choices that were based on lack of information and now they’re doing their damnedest to fix the situation. I’m providing financial and moral support. It’s been years and it’ll take more years to extricate them safely. The hazard for me here is I tend to get too emotionally involved. I forget my place, as it were. I want so badly for them to be ok that I throw my whole being into that end goal and then I’m devastated when they inevitably make choices I disagree with because we are not the same people and there are reasons we’re at different places in life. I’m observing my ability to see that now, I couldn’t do that in my younger years, and maybe it’s growth that each time they flail or say they’re going to do something I really wouldn’t recommend or think is a bad choice, my first reaction now is to step back and let it breathe. Previously it would have been to try and convince them to do the safe thing. The “right” thing because it was safer. But you know, the right way was only “safer” because it created familiar pain. Not because it was pain free. It was successful financially, I’ll grant you, but there most certainly isn’t one path to getting to firm financial ground. It’s just that there’s only one path I know well enough to share.
But today’s thought is about how I have to keep practicing being a better listener and a better friend by providing what’s needed and not adding more pressure by adding my preconceived notions of what’s right and what’s wrong. I’ll give them my judgements and opinions when they ask, or when it’s dangerous, but not when they’re fixing to build a new life and trying to figure out how.
Week 44, Day 309: Smol wasn’t feeling up to snuff yesterday and this translated into an interesting night. We had somewhat longer stretches of sleep but they were also clearly uncomfortable and sad and that tugged on my heartstrings. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to have suuuch a helpless little loaf that doesn’t have any way to communicate other than crying and little non-word sounds.
***
I don’t know if I’ll ever use it but I decided that I wanted to learn about options trading. A mentor has been doing it for a year and if nothing more than an intellectual stretching exercise, I’d like to see if I can’t at least wrap my head around it. We have to manage options from our company compensation anyway so I would like to understand them more deeply than I do now. I hope it’ll help me make better decisions.
***
The Nicole and Maggie gross dishwasher post inspired me to pick up some Lemi Shine to clean our dishwasher. We just ran it today so I hope to see results in the next dishwasher load! Fingers crossed.
:: How was your week?
January 11, 2021
Week 43 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 43, Day 298: You’ll forgive me skipping the week after Christmas – we are still trying to right the ship that now has an extra human passenger and some days are harder than others. Nights, harder still. Nothing of note happened other than keeping ourselves alive and intact, anyway. I have a to do list the length of my leg today, and my brain only wants to crunch money numbers. The biggest things I need to get done: clearing PiC’s old SE for a trade in, organizing our investments, we need to organize our thoughts about how to talk to JB’s principal about better options for their school situation, deal with our still broken internet and yell at Comcast some more because it’s still broken though they promised a fix by yesterday. (Who actually believed Comcast when they promised me this would be fixed by Sunday? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?)
I notice my brain avoiding all but the number crunching though. That might be because I was up with Smol Acrobat most of the night? MAAYBE. We went for a very slow medium length walk today and it was extra hard on my joints. Also maybe because I was up with SA most of the night. PiC slept quite well though thankfully so I could go rest this afternoon while he parented. It worked out though. I can’t sleep through Smol’s whimpers and nighttime wakings, while he can, so I might as well field those and let him sleep so he can parent during the day when I catch up on my sleep.
***
COVID LIFE: Over at Nicole and Maggie’s, I said I would start talking about the things we do and do NOT do , so I’ll go over a bit each day this week.
We will maintain these rules for as long as it takes to get to a point where we feel things are safer. Between you, me and PiC, that’s going to take several months, minimum, even after we get vaccinated.
(more…)
January 4, 2021
Week 41 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 41, Day 284: Holiday gifts for JB have been showing up on our doorstep all month. I am surprised to find, since I love opening mail, I’m starting to have a bit of package fatigue. If they were more spaced out, that would be really helpful since, speaking of arrivals, Smol Acrobat has joined us. JB is thrilled to share this first Christmas with their very own baby sibling they get to keep without kidnapping required. I hope they still feel this way months and years from now!
My recovery is a slow process. I know this is normal, and it’s normal to take up to a year to be back to pre-pregnancy status, but I’m still very impatient. I don’t want to take months to get back to normal, I want to be on my feet 100% now. Obviously that isn’t going to make that happen so I’m grateful that I arranged more leave from work than I did with JB instead of trying to force myself back in several weeks. This time I have no desire to go back to work a minute sooner than I need to.
I’m glad that both PiC and I did, in fact, because even if we’re working from home, having to cater to a newborn and working effectively isn’t gonna happen. We’re sleep deprived zombies and glad that JB is old enough to be well trained in helping with a certain amount of chores around the house. The time we put in this summer insisting they do age appropriate housework regularly was well worth it. They do like being helpful and this way they have chores they can do to meaningfully help with baby. They feel like part of the adult unit in that sense, they are a contributor, and not just pouting that they’re not getting enough attention. (more…)
December 29, 2020
Week 40 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 40, Day 277: I’ve been feeling like a horrible mom to JB lately. I’m so distracted and preoccupied by: work, Smol Acrobat’s needs, my needs, my fatigue and recalcitrant body that I simply haven’t spent any time with them. I still parent – direct activities, I discipline, I coordinate schooling and tutoring and advocate for them when needed. But actual time together, just being together? Has not happened in weeks. Maybe months. I don’t even know.
They have always been more PiC’s kid than mine for the fun stuff. They are very accustomed to me needing to work at home in a way that they still aren’t with PiC, and it’s not working mom guilt that I’m muddling through. It’s guilt for not having anything left in the tank for fun and enjoying life with them after subtracting all the stressors of the pandemic and household management and caring for everyone’s needs and logistics.
Most of the time I think they couldn’t care less if I’m around as long as they have PiC. They walk the dogs together. They paint and draw and read and gallivant. They prepare coffee and lunch and goof off together. I’m not really a goofing off personality that way. They’re at a 9 on the Silly Scale while I won’t go near a 1. But I still feel bad for not engaging in those rare times they ask me to because I just don’t have any interest in anything in those moments.
There’s a touch of depression at play there along with very real fatigue and overwhelm.
I hope this will pass. I’m pretty sure I am doing my best and they know they’re loved.
(more…)
December 21, 2020
Week 39 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 39, Day 270: I enjoyed reading Jessica’s How to Cope (and Hopefully Even Thrive) in Times of Disaster. I’ve been doing financial stress testing since 2018 in preparation for a recession and other Bad Times:
This exercise didn’t specifically take illness into account but that has always been in the back of my mind as a fourth scenario that I’d have to cover – what we should do in case one of us (most likely me) became unable to work and earn income. I just didn’t outline it in my list back in 2018 because I wasn’t ready to wrap my head around a prolonged term of illness for any one of us.
And along come a pandemic. *facepalm*
I am grateful that I stuck to the year of cash equivalents in the bank. That really helps my sense of anxiety. I find myself wanting more but that’s my old friend hypervigilence talking. I’m getting better about that – I can see that that’s the fear brain worrying itself to bits and not a logical need, but it’s still there.
Also, it’s time we finalized our last year-end donations! We need to do this now!
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