August 31, 2016
A ramble on friendship, prompted by links
Like this woman, I once believed I didn’t get along with other women. I didn’t have a best friend, and it seemed like everyone had one of those, but I couldn’t ever quite get the hang of it.
In middle school, my personality and interests weren’t aligned with other girls’. Animals, yes. Stickers and stationery, JOY! Sparring and wrestling? Comics? Fighting bullies? No, nyet, and nope. My weirdness they could overlook but fighting bullies, physically, scared the girls. They made no bones about how they didn’t want me mad at them because apparently they didn’t trust me not to beat them up. I was barbaric for fighting back by polite society’s standards. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bother me.
Maybe I was barbaric but at 8 years old, it never occurred to me to do anything but punch the boy when he laid hands on and shoved me. Does there exist another, equally effective and satisfying, response? Because not one of those bullying boys, and it was always a boy, came back for seconds, I’ll tell you that much.
I craved a close friendship, a best friendship that was second best to having a sister (possibly even better than a sister). But I didn’t understand social conventions, the girls didn’t know that non-conforming was ok, and thus, no friendship blossomed.
Male schoolmates thought of me “like a guy”, their way of reconciling a girl who wouldn’t take their crap. For a minute, it made sense that I felt like I wasn’t like other women and maybe that’s why I got along with boys better. That was simple truth – for that period of my life. Some years on, it struck me that the “not like other girls/women” compliment wasn’t at all a compliment to me. It was a poorly disguised way to put women down. It implies that being like other women is a bad thing, that women are inferior and to be better than them is a good thing. That’s insulting and stupid. We’re not a single monolith but neither are men and you don’t hear women complimenting men by saying “you’re not like other men”, suggesting that men as a group are inferior and being unlike them is the best possible outcome. Or maybe you do, I don’t.
Children vs childfree
A blogger friend I’ve gotten to know over the years was shocked to find that at least half, maybe more, of my close friends are childfree. Whether by choice or not, they are childfree. Her surprise was a surprise to me. It’s completely normal to me to hear a friend state that they never want to have kids, or maybe more confidingly, they did want them but couldn’t, so have moved on to enjoy their child-free lives.
In so few cases has the choice to have kids, or not to have them, changed a friendship for us that I was surprised by this AAM reader’s question: Has any childfree person successfully maintained a friendship with someone after they had kids or vice versa?
It seems that this is the adult version of othering women.
Of course having a kid will alter your reality when you become a parent. But so will many other things. So why wouldn’t you treat having a child, or treat a friend having a child, as another life adventure that’s happening and react accordingly?
Parents don’t get a pass on participating in friendships that they would like to maintain any more than workaholics get a pass on doing so. Speaking as an almost former workaholic, I think that’s fair. Speaking as a parent, I think that’s fair.
You get to choose how to adjust the friendship so you don’t knock yourself sideways accommodating it, and you have to have respect for each other’s life choices, but unless you loathe the very idea and presence of kids, kids don’t have to be the reason you break up with your friends.
Growing up
I’m still mostly the same person but I’m a little wiser, quite a lot older. More patient, mellow, comfortable in my me.
I still don’t fit in with any crowd, male or female, but I do have deep and fulfilling relationships. It turns out that you don’t need to click into place with other puzzle pieces. I used to think that was my irredeemable flaw that I’d never overcome: I just couldn’t FIT.
I saw Mom in myself. We struggled to create and cultivate friendships. We struggled with having faith in those relationships. We struggled to extend a hand of friendship to others, not knowing if they were in the market for a friend or an accessory. I wondered if I just had to find more people like me. I wondered if there were other people like me. My flawed assumption was that my classmates were a representative sample of the female population and that I’d always fly solo.
Now, my clan of kindred spirits is composed of singular women and men who seem to be nothing like me.
They are avid beer lovers and teetolars, dog lovers and cat people. They are reptile people and mammals-only people. Some are stars in their careers, some are building their career foundations, or finding themselves. Some are super stylish, or wizards with makeup wands (I am not and NOT). They’re librarians, goatherders, craftspeople, lawyers, romance novelists, consummate professionals, teachers, horror authors, doctors, feminists, activists, small business owners, journalists, bringers of proper hugs, hilarious stories, goofs. They’re passionate about money, stories, ancient textiles, traveling the world, helping women learn about finances, investing, creating youth initiatives, rescuing dogs, going to concerts, drinking all the coffee in all the world (or the wine). They’re loud and brash, quiet, thoughtful, intellectually without peer. They’re raising half a dozen kids, or a few, or one, or eschew human critters in favor of four legged critters. They remember JuggerBaby’s birthday, they dote on JuggerBaby stories, and gush over JuggerBaby pictures. They text, they DM, they email, they call.
I’d go on but I can’t feel my fingers anymore. Some of you will recognize yourselves in this list, some of this list have no idea this blog exists. But to the many of you, the multitude of who share with me a little of your lives, I’m lucky to have you.
I had to learn to be comfortable with myself, and learn that relationships with people will ebb and flow. They will almost always thrive when based on mutual respect, not need, friendships happened. I learned that some people are friends for the moment, and that’s fine. Some people are friends for all the moments, and they became family.
Someone once noted, for a misanthrope, I sure do have a lot of friends.
To which I reply, “pshaw.” I’m lucky to know good people. And maybe that’s all it is and it’s folly to claim all these interesting, eccentric, awesome people as friends. Not a one of them match me. They outmatch me. That small doubting voice, that one I inherited from Mom, points this out. I know why they’re great but how do I fit with them?
I don’t.
And yet that’s the beauty of it. We don’t match. We don’t need to look or be similar to be a good fit. What we do have is a shared sense of responsibility, a willingness to learn and make things better, to leave the world a better place for having had us in it. We don’t have a prescribed way to enjoy each other’s company: we talk, we text, we email, we tweet. Whatever works is what we do.
Even if they don’t feel as fondly toward me as I do them, or vice versa, there is fondness. It doesn’t have to be this perfectly calculated level of friendship to work.
At this stage of life, I appreciate what that’s worth. My nearest and dearest are far-flung and scattered and that’s ok.
Since we’ve become parents, we’ve found ourselves making the acquaintance of other parents in passing but we can’t and won’t force those relationships solely on the basis of their having reproduced. It’s nice to have friends in the same life stage, but those friendships, if they’re a good fit, will grow naturally, or not.
:: Do you have a best friend or many best friends? Who are you grateful to have in your life? Why?
March 23, 2014
This isn’t a tutorial on saving since the champagne’s a cheat but I pick the bubbly at home. I’m not just frugal, I’m seriously lazy.
We had friends in town recently. The default MO when this happens is we go out to brunch, lunch or dinner before they leave, depending on their travel plans. With some friends (ahem, his), it’s a fight over who pays the bill, with them snagging it more often than we can. This means we end up in a bill-war, vying to pay for the next round, every time we go out. It’s exhausting and a pain in the budget.
At the core, the problem is one of culture. For PiC, eating out is part of his family bonding culture; for me, cooking together and eating at home is part of my family bonding culture. Up til now, we have heavily favored his but it’s time to start observing mine when we’re here at home.
We’ve slashed this year’s food, entertainment and travel budget by 20% because we spent WAY too much in those areas last year. Anything approaching five figures for only two people (and for entertaining) is outrageous, IMO, and I really don’t know how the others do it considering they eat out at least twice as much as we do on their own.
We may not be able to cancel the bill-pay arms race but we’re sure as shootin’ going to approach Quality Time differently.
We’re off to a fine start hosting a champagne brunch where we focused on a couple stars for the meal: the champagne and the best bacon ever. We’re finally cracking open one of two bottles of Korbel that were gifts; they’ve been sitting untouched with only the two of us to drink it. With guests coming, I squeezed grapefruit to make orange and grapefruit mimosas.
And bacon. Oh the bacon! I’ve always been a fan of bacon but most of it’s been run-of-the-mill variety. I hadn’t know real bacon until my friend ruined me forever with a gift of Zingerman’s bacon for our wedding. Now THAT is applewood smoked bacon: aromatic even in the shipping container, cut so thickly that diced for pasta you get big chunks of smoky meatiness, with hardly any fat to trim. Swoonworthy bacon. The only catch is it normally runs $12 a lb. So it’s the special occasion bacon, even if I could easily find (make up) a reason to pop half a pound into every recipe.
The rest of the meal was simple: scrambled eggs with green onions, whole wheat pancakes with maple syrup, and almond croissants.
Bacon: $6
Pancakes and syrup: $3
Eggs, green onions: $3
Almond croissants: $2
Juices: $1
Even paying for and making the whole meal we’re paying less to feed 4 than we would for the two of us at the local diner so that’s nice. The drawbacks, of course, if you don’t like to cook is that you’re cooking and cleaning, and the guests are getting what we choose to make. Sorry, guys. 🙂
On the bright side, we’ll soon be taking advantage of a new wafflemaker to expand our repertoire. Chocolate chip bacon waffles, here we come!
Other breakfast ideas: I may relieve my friends of their smoked salmon (which they’ve been trying to get rid of) to try making eemusing’s potato cakes with salmon and eggs.
I’m good at making dinners but my breakfast/brunch cooking is pretty limited. If you’ve got any delicious and easy brunch suggestions, throw them my way.
July 1, 2013
PiC and I have a new tradition of sorts, a weekly dinner with one singlet friend, and a every couple of months dinner with another singlet* friend. Both are friends from years back, Ye Olden Youth Dayes. I don’t know if it’s weird that we never tried to seek out couple friends specifically now that we’re married but it’s just never been a priority. A friend’s a friend, whether single or doubled up. And I like that, paired or not, our friends feel comfortable with us, paired or not.
*Singlet denoting the fact that they may not actually be single, but they hang out with us sans partner for these regular shindigs.
We’ve gone out to explore weird little joints, relaxed with easy take out, and experimented with new recipes. The responsibility or privilege of deciding what to do next has been alternated like a hot potato, back and forth, but I always feel like since we’re feeding three in total, two of whom are a couple, isn’t it more fair if we paid 2 times out of 3 outings?
Sounds logical to me, but the singlets we dine with usually gives me an odd look when I venture forth with this theory. Granted, we rarely have terribly expensive meals, ranging from $5-20 per person depending on whether we’ve cooked, did take out or dined out, but it does still feel a bit unfair from my perspective.
:: Am I being overly aware or would you feel the same way? What if you were the single one? What if you were part of the couple?
February 19, 2012
Oddly, being in new surroundings, a side effect of the promotion, has actually seen me behaving in a healthier fashion. The promotion itself was meant to promote better health, as I said before, but I truly didn’t have any expectations for it to be this soon or this naturally. I thought expected the stresses of the new role would be obvious more quickly than the benefits and definitely expected to have to be very conscious in my healthy choices.
New things
Diet
I eat now. I never used to eat during my work day. I’m actually eating at a reasonable hour of the day. Snacking a couple times rather than regular meals but that was something my doctor and I discussed as a healthy alternative.
Exercise
Being less sedentary: It’s more than just for meetings, though just barely. The goal is to get away for at least 15 minutes per work day for a walk of some kind.
Logging miles: Though the days can be longer because there’s just that much more work to be done during this period of transition, I’m taking advantage of that and squeezing in nearly a mile walk up to a few times a week.
These are small things, and we’ll see how long it comes without much effort because it’s really early but it’s significant. Already I’ve gone five full days without a stress or fatigue headache despite my still carrying serious responsibility and throughout major, unexpected, chaos. That’s unusual. And reading this post about my friend and professional inspiration, Single Ma’s, Health Breakthrough this week had me absolutely choked up in my happiness for her. I actually teared up at work. That never happens.
See, pain and I have been close companions for nearly 20 years now, and I’d (sort of) become resigned to living with it for the rest of my life. From that vantage point and as a friend, I hated every minute of Single Ma’s struggle with her injury that derailed her journey to physical fitness. The setbacks and the time it was taking to get answers were familiar as well, and depressing as anything. I hated that a friend was living the same kind of hells I had. Hearing that she had a breakthrough was all kinds of happy.
It gives me hope that my dear friend Ruth who is also experiencing some pain issues will find answers that lead to a pain-free life as well.
And there was a minute where I started to wonder if maybe there’s a chance I can improve too, even a little.
Posts for Perusal
Nicole and Maggie asked: How do you pay for presents? This is a new thing for us to work out this year. For those of you who are partnered, do you set a price limit on how much you can spend on gifts for each other? Or is there an understanding?
Stacking Pennies started a weekly Monday list to set up her week back in January. It’s a great idea – you may not have control over how the week develops but at least giving it the best opening that you possibly can keeps you from being flustered out of the gate. I try to do this with cooking and laundry over the weekends, if nothing else.
A Recipe
A delicious, easy, recipe we’ve been enjoying thanks to our one sane neighbor who shares food and recipes generously. Plus: it only costs pennies since almost all the ingredients are in our cupboards. This is one offset to going out to eat with the same neighbor nicely. **We do have more than one sane neighbor, it’s just that this is the only one we trade foodstuffs with.
Lentil Soup
I’ve made this soup twice now, modifying it the first time with cubed potatoes and keeping to the original the second time. It was pretty fantastic the first go-round, just as good the second.
Ingredients:
1 tablespoon canola oil
1 tablespoon margarine
1 large clove of garlic, chopped
1 teaspoon cumin powder or seed
1/2 teaspoon curry powder
1/4 teaspoon cayenne powder (I never cook w/cayenne so I’ve substituted paprika)
1 teaspoon turmeric powder
1/2 teaspoon coriander
6 cups water
1 cube vegetarian boullion (I prefer more fresh ingredients so have just used veggie or chicken broth instead of the water plus boullion)
1 diced onion
1 pound lentils.
Directions:
Saute the onion and garlic in the oil and margarine in a large pot until tender.
Add the spices and saute for 1 minute.
Add water, vegetarian bouillon, and lentils.
Cook until lentils are tender, about 1 hour*.
*I used pink lentils, it only takes approximately 20 minutes to become tender.
Do you have any quick and easy recipes to share? Please do!
June 20, 2011
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| Borrowed from a free Owly comic, one of the most expressive non-verbal books I’ve ever had the pleasure of “reading.” |
My oldest friend, measured by years we’ve known each other, not by her age, was feted recently. She’s expecting her first baby and we both traveled fair distances to meet each other for this event. I can’t remember the last time we were able to spend time together.
That’s always been the story of our friendship, actually.
We met as children of primary school age, then separated by district lines until that same bureaucracy funneled us back into the same schools. Through high school we remained good friends, despite sharing few classes. We had little in common other than a drip of superficially similar background but we fit like two bits of puzzle without jostling, always kindred spirits, always loyal, no matter how long since last contact. It’s the kind of relationship that doesn’t needa crisis or a reason to prove that it exists.
In the years following, her faith and our lives have taken dramatically different directions and yet neither of us have felt any distance grow between us. No moss has overgrown our friendship; no differences diminish the value of our connection.
And so, with the coming of her baby ever-imminent, PiC and I headed down south so I could spend this joyful time with her. Now typically, I’m a bit of a groaner when it comes to these things. I hate them, to be honest, having been to so many bloodless affairs. Wedding and baby showers can tend to become gift grabs when all and sundry are invited, fancied up for the look of the thing, and frankly, I tired of it long ago.
But this shower was a labor of love by her other closest friend who hosts beautifully and thoughtfully. The guest list was a small, curated mix of close family, family friends, and dear friends, and the mum-to-be was able to spend good quality time with most of the attendees such that everyone who traveled was able to share some wisdom and laughter. The food was delicious – always important – and plentiful, and the guests all seemed relaxed and comfortable.
She and I saw the guests off and stayed well after to help clean up, spend time with the hostess and her family, and we later packed her gifts for her travel back. Despite being quite far along, she was doing the dishes while I cleared the table, dried the dishes, and watched the kids. Clearly, my friend is not a brat and we’re still a good team. We later spent a good half day together catching up and running other errands.
I spent $100 on the shower, for gifts on and off-registry, lunch, and gas (because she generously offered to be the driver during our post-shower bonding time), not counting travel costs to SoCal. We noticed that it’s a funny thing with babies that people can’t resist buying all kinds of things so you go off-registry so easily. Guilty.
But, look, I’m not going to get to see my niece or nephew related by long-time friendship much so I have to start the nerding-by-osmosis early and often: books and bonds! My favorite gift to the baby was a black and white Owly book. Mama-to-be says black and white is supposed to stimulate the baby’s brain. Favorite gift for me was Mama-to-be assuring me that yes, if I *had* gotten her child superhero underpants, the baby would have worn them. (Guess what I’m going to buy next?)
I also brought back a few offers to help with wedding planning from old friends I hadn’t seen in ages which was really generous and a possible line on other wedding related stuff. It was one of my best trips back down south in a really long time.
March 20, 2011
The Goal: Roli Roti Pork Sandwiches
At $8.50 for a modestly-sized Pork Porchetta Sandwich, I silently promised myself that it would be awesome. And anyway, it’s all Friend’s fault. Having emerged once again, as he does once a quarter, or something like that, from the backwoods, he craves the oddest things that mean civilization. This trip, the Sandwich was Civilization.
After queuing in the pelting rain, wandering off to examined the neighboring florist’s purple and red anemones, bulbish strawflowers, and huddling in my hood, we finally pulled up to the actual truck itself where four congenial fellows were ripping apart various pork portions, grinning at the anticipatory patrons.
One of the two check-out folk asked for our order but seemed not to know enough English to do anything with the information, having gotten it. With their severely limited menu, I wasn’t sure where I was going wrong. They only had one sandwich on the menu. Friend and I turned to each other, perplexed, “Sandwiches? Two, please? One with the cress and one with the arugula?” Still blank. One of the sandwich compilers quickly explained they were out of the cress, was the arugula alright? “Well, sure! Two of the only sandwiches you’ve got then, please!” She was still perplexed. Her compatriot took over at the point, asking what we’d like, acting as if we hadn’t just gone two complete rounds with the person two inches away. I suspect this is not an unusual situation. 😉
The sandwich was rather divine. Full of sweet and salty flavor, soft pork melted into the onion with crunchy bits, layered with the harder, more substantial slices of pork. We waited too long to eat the sandwiches so the arugula didn’t stand out against the pork, but it didn’t melt either, so it was fine. It was heaped in the right proportions into a ciabatta roll they get from the bakery inside the Ferry Building. With the harder crust, the bread doesn’t fall apart which is absolutely critical in a sandwich – I absolutely hate sandwiches and burgers where the wrapper collapses.
We took a small side of roasted potatoes as well and the rosemary salting – delicious. The potatoes were more like chunks, huge chunks. Not a problem for this potato lover.
At $20 for a lunch for two, no drinks, it’s a bit steep for lunching more frequently than as a treat but it’s absolutely worth it as a treat. Come visit me so I have an excuse to go again? 😉
February 9, 2011
As I’ve mentioned on Twitter a couple of times, we have a dear friend coming to stay with us soon.
She’s older and can’t
camp out like our usual friends are willing to on the sofa, the fold-out bed, or the air mattress. And, well, she’s accustomed to the finer things in life. As she should be, she’s been comfortably retired for years after quite a successful career in the financial sector. She’s been incredibly good to us for the years of our friendship, too, not just because she’s financially able to but she’s been ever so giving of her time and energy when we needed support.
Thus, PiC’s immediate reaction was: Sell the fold-out couch! Buy a new bed!
I sort of thought he was kidding … but he’s not. We’re now going to have a real guest room with a full size bed and all that.
The sofa’s listed on Craigslist for about $200 less than the store price (it’s still available in stores, it’s in perfect condition since it’d hardly ever been used) and he’s getting all the usual slew of poor written, can’t-follow-instructions, didn’t-read-the-ad responses. Here’s hoping that it sells quickly because he’s now doing his research on a new (also Craigslisted) bed frame and mattress, using Jonathan’s guide to
decoding the Heavenly Bed.
Who knew it’d take panic shopping to send him to PF blogs? 😉
On the matter of mattresses, would you ever buy a used mattress?
