October 30, 2009
I have no problems with making sure that my purely personal friendships jive well when money’s involved; I pay my way and assist friends in need within reason, we’re honest with each other about our limits, and it generally works out pretty well. I have no problem with keeping my business money separate from personal money in a corporate environment, and generally dining out with the office has always been fairly straightforward: the office paid. But what of the gray area in between? Specifically, when you’re networking and not interviewing with or working for the person you’re dining with?
From a purely business perspective, my friend/mentor advised me not to quibble over who paid the bill when I dined out with an older, successful, networking acquaintance. “He can most certainly afford it, he invited you, and he can always write it off,” she asserts. These points were all true, at the time. The person in question is both gracious and helpful whenever possible leads come up, and has since taken the initiative to point me and my resume at highly placed persons who were interviewing for desirable positions. [At which point it’s up to me so that there isn’t impropriety or influence on my behalf which I would never ask for or expect.]
But what happens when the acquaintance morphs into a semi-friendship? When you’re meeting to catch up and tell stories, it’s no longer 100% business. I feel like that development then brings with it the obligation to offer to, and even insist on, paying sometimes. It’s only fair. I don’t want my acquaintance/now friend to think that I simply expect a great meal at his expense; that’s certainly not the case.
I’m aware that insisting on footing the bill when he has selected the restaurant, when he is more than financially comfortable [yes, finances have come up in the conversation in a career-related turn], and/or when I am unemployed seems to smack more of irrational pride than sense. But I’m unemployed, not destitute, and it hardly seems right to assume that I shouldn’t pay simply because I don’t have access to a corporate account. That seems like a recipe for brewing resentment; the line of reasoning that “you have more money than I, so let’s use your resources, thanks!” doesn’t sit well with me. Neither party’s resources should determine who pays. It can certainly influence the selection of the experience, but I think fair means that both parties take it in turn to pay.
How does the financial relationship change when your business relationship acquires shades of the personal? How should it?
[Disclosure: This post is also published at the Carnival of Personal Finance.]
October 10, 2009
By which I mean: I’m getting my money back via refunds and such.
The Epson is working out wonderfully, so the tiny Canon i-70 from my college days has been retired. I’m considering eBaying it, as well as an old 35 mm point and shoot Lexio camera also from college days. Of course, that means I’d have to overcome my aversion to eBay that marks me an internet troglodyte. It’s really time to get over that.
Happily, returning the ink for the printer to Staples was easy as (eating) cake: I’ve now got a $25 Staples cash card to go with a $6 ink cartridge recycling credit. Perhaps this can go toward a new external hard drive for a friend. I just need a good sale + rebate to combine with the cash + credit.
Chegg processed refunds on the two textbooks they failed to send me, and the third book finally arrived so we’re set on that front.
A failed rebate postcard goes back out tomorrow with proof that my purchase was indeed valid. Perhaps they’ll pay up this time around.
August 21, 2009
What’s better than not spending?
Making up for past stupid spending!
I pled my rheumatically, unemployed case with the hotel, and the woman I spoke with was kind enough to cut me some slack. Some $40 slack! I was polite, acknowledged that the ball had been dropped on my end entirely, but asked for a bit of consideration due to extenuating circumstances, and she obliged.
July 27, 2009
Good mornin’ all!
Most people have been up and about for hours, East Coast or West Coast, but this is my first morning post-freedom without any travel plans pending. That means a) waking up early and saying, “nope, goin’ back to sleep” and b) having a short list of errands to run before sitting around and reading comic books from Con. Ahhh yes, summer vacation!
……
Or, ahhhh, unemployment! Hmph, that’s not nearly as appealing.
As usual after a travel day, I couldn’t sleep at a decent hour last night, so I had to stay up reading, cleaning and then eating random snacks. *smh* Stale donuts really aren’t so bad, especially if they fulfill a craving. 🙂
So here’s the short list:
1. Return the rental car.
2. Finally complete the Cal Jobs thing.
3. Mail off porting life insurance paperwork.
4. Discover where that mysterious retirement contribution on July 21st came from. [Might there also be a mystery check?? One may hope.]
5. Catch up on blogs, try to retrain my mind to write again.
6. Calculate total damages to travel fund.
7. Ship shoes for return to Endless.com. Thank goodness for generous return policies!
8. Search for jobs online.
Anything else?
Oh yes, and churn up the gift money for a friend’s wedding present. I think I’m going to take the Thank You points premium hit and “pay” 7000 points for a $50 gift card. Worth it to me not to take that cash out of pocket after the spendiness of Comic Con, and I haven’t been able to make up my mind about what to redeem for in over 18 months anyway.
July 14, 2009
I may still be in NY right now, but I’ve been keeping up with tidbits of news about California, namely, the financial situation.
While discussing this with my friend, she asked who would be affected by the IOU situation and I wasn’t really sure. My assumption was that state contractors and vendors would be, and that state employees would find their work hours affected as well as delayed paychecks. I’d forgotten that income tax returns would be IOUed as well, and Jonathan of My Money Blog, has received one of his very own.
That makes me wonder if unemployment will be protected from this issue, and for how long? If we’re broke, we’re broke. And I’ll have to make some interesting changes to my projected budget for the next few months if nothing turns up on the job front!
March 28, 2009
There are a billion and one articles in the pf blogosphere on saving (or not) money when planning a wedding. That’s not what this is about. I’ve linked to a few of the more recent conversations, some controversial, some not, about weddings below if you want the juicier stuff.
I’ve put weddings out of my mind for the foreseeable future, but my family has a few cultural traditions that amuse me. I’m opting out of most, but they’re still fun to editorialize on.
1. Invitations: Seeing invitations on the kitchen table is what prompted this post. In all the ways money is saved or spent in wedding planning, the bride and groom can count on the clumping of families to save on mailing costs. They pick one person who can be relied on in each branch of the family, and send all the invitations in bulk to that one person. Cost of sending ten invitations to my family for distribution: $1.85. I’m betting there aren’t even RSVPs in there because they depend on the family grapevine to deliver that news since people are terrible about RSVPing. (This would drive the plannerly side of me insane.)
2. Wedding gifts: We’re Asian. We give cold hard cash, enough to “cover” the plate just means about $50/person, now. My family does not impose this expectation on guests from other cultures, so you can invite your bosses, coworkers or other ethnically inclined friends without having to shun them afterward for improper gift giving. (There’s never a registry though, so that doesn’t make it easier on the non-family guests.) Anyway, as my parents explained it, there are two parts to the traditional wedding, and the money involved.
3. The morning ceremony: This is the “religious” part of the wedding, generally only family and very close friends are invited to this session. Most of my family is Buddhist or just observe Confucianism, so it involves the groom’s family bringing the representative symbols of the bride’s dowry in the form of a roast pig, fresh fruit, and bottles of wine or liquor. Also, jewelry for the bride. I know it’s awful, but it’s one way to see how much the groom’s family likes the bride. If they break out awesome sparkles, they love you lots. If the necklace and earrings are lackluster, watch out, your in-laws are not cool with the marriage (or you). Good time to find out, eh?
At the tea ceremony, the red envelopes stuffed with cash are presented to the bride and groom as the new couple share a cup of tea with the guest. A rule of thumb: the older the guest, the closer the relationship, the more money you’re expected to fork out. My parents had to give her siblings upwards of $500-$700 each, back in the day, in addition to paying for parts of the wedding. Then again, we don’t keep track of who gave what (I don’t think we do). It’s all put into a bag or basket anyway, so if the guest wants to remain anonymous, that’s fine.
Traditionally, the bride’s family hosts this part of the day, and serves lunch to all the guests. The bride’s parents get to keep all that money from the morning ceremony. It’s “repayment” for all the weddings they attended in the community. I always wondered what the groom’s parents got their share. If everyone followed these rules, they seem to get gypped.
4. The evening portion is the reception. Guest lists can easily surpass 400-500 people if you’re so inclined, and with an extended family like mine, we could fill that many seats on my side alone. Again, the gift expectation is cash, but the bride and groom get to keep that money. It usually goes towards covering the cost of the wedding, reception, etc. Some people, in Eastern European countries or Asian countries, actually plan to make money off their wedding. It’s part of their accepted cultural practice, and it’s all very interesting to see that kind of planning. One girlfriend used to call me and tell me in hushed tones what her brother in law was doing this time to minimize expenses and maximize profits from his upcoming wedding. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard my uncle dismiss my wish for a small wedding to reduce costs, “Pf, why make it small? To save money? Don’t worry! Invite everyone you want, the gifts will help pay for the wedding.”
Well, no. *shrug* I hate being the center of attention, and my guests are not cash cows so the whole thing is not my bag, but I know they think I’m being silly. Shhh, they don’t know that if I’m getting married, I’m doing it my way!
5. Thank yous: If you’re going totally traditional, you don’t send thank you cards. Most weddings will have photographers taking your photo with the couple at the reception’s receiving line, and some will print those out for you to take home. Just like Medieval Times.
Makes sense, if everyone gave you cash. What would you say? “Dear Auntie, thank you for the lovely $200, we’ll display it on the mantle”? “It’ll be a great part of our down payment”? I’m kidding, of course you could write a lovely thank you note for their attendance. Really, the potential anonymity of the gift-giving plays into this part of the tradition, as well as the usually outsized guest lists that can frequently include more than 100 guests you’ve never met or haven’t seen since you were three. It happens.
Oh, and the photos have a “thank you for attending” printed on them. Sooo … free pass! 🙂
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Obviously, all of these little traditions and accepted practices are specific to our family. The reason they “work” is because most weddings are still considered formal affairs that include negotiations, love match or not. Weird? Yeah. Definitely. But it does makes sense to discuss all the expectations when there’s obviously so much emotion, time and money invested. From my parents’ generation, I’ve even witnessed the debates over acceptable negotiators! My dad was frequently requested as a go-between for the bride or groom, to speak on their behalf to the other side’s parents and work out the details of how the wedding would be handled, so I heard more about the nuances than most kids.
Still, I’d like to make my own path because after being involved in so many traditions, it feels like a bit of an ordeal. I want to be able to sit and talk with my family and friends, and know that the people attending actually cared. Bratly it may be, I’ve paid my family dues so I’d like to have a bit of fun for my wedding.
Wedding talk
Paranoid Asteroid: 10 frugal things I’m not doing for my wedding
When people ask how you can spend $30K on a wedding…
March 12, 2009
Under what circumstances would you feel comfortable accepting monetary assistance?
I was recently asked, why, if the benefactor was willing and able, can I not accept help? That question meant monetary help, and that’s a critical difference from all other kinds of help, so that’s the part we’re going to address today.
During a conversation about the economy, the state of my career, and rather justifiable (in my mind) anxiety that I might be flat broke 12 months from the date I’m laid off, this rather potent question was asked. And I floundered in answering.
Because I can’t stand the taste of humble pie? Because I’ve not asked for money since I was 17? Because if I can’t stand on my own, I would still like to have my pride? In this last reason, I’m staunchly my father’s daughter, even despite the grief that’s brought me in his practice of it.
The truth is, it’s all of that and more. It’s that I would only think of myself as “needing help” if I were in truly dire straits. If I couldn’t afford the rent, the bills, the groceries. I wasn’t brought up specifically with this particular insane independent streak, but I’ve developed the mindset that it’s simply unfathomable to think that I would ask for money if I weren’t at the end of my resources. Arriving at that point, however, means that there’s a whole world of guilt and uncertainty involved. I wouldn’t need small sums of money, it’s not just spotting me a tenner for lunch. It’s rent, it’s gas, it’s insurance, it’s big money.
In my personal experience with money and people, you cannot rely on others for your basic needs: you stand or die alone. That’s not true for everyone, though, and I realize that from the outside, it looks like arrogance. (At least one friend has interpreted it that way.) After all, I always step up and help others to the best of my abilities. It may not take the form of cash but it’s still help. How then, do I lack such faith in good people and insist on such isolationist responsibility?
I’m casting about for a better understanding of the mentality that allows me to be liberal in my giving, and highly conservative in my getting. Does this attitude need adjusting? If so, how do I remain true to my bootstrapping principles, while recognizing when it’s appropriate to accept assistance? Or is the second fear, that it’s a slippery slope from asking for help when needed to asking for help all the time, justified?
*Note: One rather astute friend pointed out another way to look at it: if asking for and accepting help is so foreign or unfathomable, then I can trust that I will do everything in my power to prevent that situation from developing. At least there’s that.
**Another Note: Perhaps I’m uncomfortable with having to be on the receiving end of this conversation.
