September 19, 2011

Why (maybe) not babies, Part the Second

There were so many great and interesting comments left on my post about whether or not to have children that I had trouble responding to enough of them in the comments.  I appreciated everyone’s thoughts on their personal situations and decision-making.

I also had second, third and several other thoughts about whether or not to discuss one particular theme of the comments further, partly because there was a reason I left out some important, relevant information out: I didn’t necessarily want that to be the center of the post and I tend to leave that subject under wraps.

But it was an underlying theme of the comments because I left it out and it is relevant to the conversation because it’s a huge part of my life even if I do try to pretend that it’s not.  Like it or no, the physical limitation aspect of my life is a factor in every decision I make, every minute of every day.  And it’s not like I haven’t mentioned it once or twice before, so I’m not sure why I still instinctively try to sweep it under the rug like it’s not a big deal.

So, comments first:

@thecelt, you made me laugh out loud.  PRECISELY. There IS no “kinda-kid” out there.  So I want to know   for sure.  If I’m doing this, I’m committing!

@Sense: From the Mixed up Files was an absolute favorite.  Definitely fed the runaway fantasies. 😉

@MovingEast: I actually think through those cliches without feeling like they’re cliches… they are true. I see new parents experiencing the wonder of new kids in their lives and I love it.  And I see the decisions they have to make and learn from that too.  It’s not that I don’t think they’re worth it once you choose it, in the abstract.

@nicoleandmaggie:  He will have to be more than half the parent, I think, and that’s what I worry about. It’s got to be something we’re both willing to sacrifice for because I suspect (see below) it’s going to be excruciating in the beginning for me and then a huge commitment with most of the burden shifting to him.  Emotionally, I may have a lot of trouble with that.  For me. (Selfishly.  Whatever. Again, see below.)

@oilandgarlic:  No judgement on anyone else but I definitely want to know now because I don’t want to start in my mid-30’s. For me, I feel like that would be waiting too long because of how my health has progressed.

On the point where PiC and I have to talk this out: we do, when it comes to making the final decision.

I do only speak for myself on this blog and frequently leave his thoughts out of it because he doesn’t have any desire to be present here. (I’ve asked.) But that’s not to say he doesn’t know my concerns and worries, and he understands them.  The evolution of my feelings on the subject hasn’t been a secret to him.  

He’s not terribly concerned about our different feelings on the matter, we’ll figure it out together, he’s always known that we’ve been coming at this from different personal experiences.

I live with something that’s long mimicked rheumatoid arthritis (or lupus) and fibromyalgia.  It’s neither of the first two so far as tests are concerned, but most of the symptoms match up.  It started out affecting just a few areas, umpteen years ago, but now it’s everywhere, and any combination of joints and muscles are usually at some level of pain akin to holding an open flame against that muscle or joint every single day.

I spent over fifteen years trying to get a diagnosis and the conclusion is only that I have chronic pain, which isn’t a diagnosis.  It’s only a conclusion and defines my experience: pain that doesn’t stop, that has lasted over six months, and doesn’t necessarily have a definitive origin.  Stress, being tired, lack of sleep all exacerbate the pain and pain causes all three in a feedback loop.  Awesome.  That was still better than the many years of idiot doctors telling me that it wasn’t possible for me to be feeling the kind of pain that I was feeling.

When it flares, I can be out of commission for hours, days, or weeks at a time. At the beginning of any flare, I won’t know what the damage will be or how long it’ll last.  Stress of the emotional or physical sort can start a flare. Energy is severely limited.  There are days typing on a keyboard, lifting a pen, or using a knife and a fork requires too much effort. I have to be incredibly selective about how much activity I commit to because if I push myself too hard these days?  Too much of anything can cause fatigue and pain that effectively destroys my ability to functions for days thereafter.

If you haven’t read it, the Spoon Theory describes the way someone living with this sort of thing has to rework life strategies.  And the Bloggess summed up how you feel during/after a flare pretty well.

So you might better understand my reluctance to head right into motherhood on the basis of physical limitations.  It’s more than just an age thing, it’s more than just a “normal” reluctance.  I’m starting from the knowledge that not only do I not have my once-vaunted capacity to power through any and all challenges anymore, I have to be very careful that I don’t step into, essentially, a lifelong landmine.  Bringing life into this world is a serious business and the last thing I want to do is make a hash of it because I don’t have it in me to carry through.

One way to make this work is to be financially stable enough to afford child care.  A lot of it. I don’t feel right about not raising my own children, but I’m not foolish enough to think that I could do a lot of the physical stuff on my own anymore. If we were earning enough that one of us could stay home with the kids, and also had some help with the kids to make up for my part, that could be one way to handle the situation.

Alternatively, I don’t have to bear our children.  Instead, we could do what I’ve always wanted to do: adopt.  That comes with its own risks, challenges and expenses but that’s an option I’ve always loved and saves at least the physical burden of pregnancy.

I’ve been concerned about that because, though childless, I help others with their kids a lot, and it wipes me out. Every. Single. Time.  That tells me that I’m not prepared for the physical challenges of pregnancy.  And as recounted by many many friends in stark honesty?  The fatigue, the internal upheaval, the damage to the body?  I am not prepared for that.

Ultimately, we have a lot to discuss and decide.