May 31, 2012
My favorite thing to do while sitting at the airport is observe people over my book or while chitchatting on Twitter. Idly guess who is going to be on which flight and who might be on a layover or whether it’ll be a full flight and other mundane things like that.
On our outbound to Hawaii, though, there wasn’t much to see. Everyone in our area was destined for Hawaii and we all looked a little bored.
A woman behind me snapped her phone shut and said tersely, “Well, that’s it. There’s nothing else I can do.”
I heard an older male voice ask, “What? What’s wrong?”
She snapped, “He didn’t register for his AP tests in time. He can’t take them next month so now he can’t start school as a sophomore, he won’t get priority registration, and I’m going to have to pay $20,000 more for college.
I stifled a laugh and settled in.
The man turned away and asked, in a softer voice, “What happened?”
A teenage boy, voice clearly adolescent, sullen and resigned, “I just forgot.”
A flurry of wretchedness from Mom: “I can’t believe you! This is so typical, and I’ve had to run round making calls to all the administrators and the teachers for weeks to see if there was anything we could do and they can’t get him in so now I’m going to have to pay all this money because you won’t get those classes waived because those were class credits for every exam you passed and you won’t get priority registration because you’ll be starting school as a freshman, not a sophomore like your brother, and you’ll be fighting for classes just like every other kid.”
Kid attempts to defend: “My school doesn’t work like that!” Dad: “You’re missing the point!” Mom, again: “I have to do everything in this family and you guys just sit there and let everything happen to you.”
I had a few immediate reaction points:
* Kid, what do you mean your school doesn’t work like that? High school or college? Does your college not accept more than a few units from AP classes or does your high school do something weird? If the former you really might want to say something more clearly on that point because I know that happens (mine used to only accept 3 classes’ worth of AP units). If the latter, you might be mistaken. Either way, speak up with your actual words. Not with that slump-shouldered, vaguely formed defense that doesn’t really say much to anyone about your mental competence or your follow-through.
* Mom, quit being such a martyr.
* Dad, actual involvement might have been helpful, not that weird mediation thing you were doing.
* Kid might not have been missing the point at all.
* Sister, which planet are you wishing you were on right now? Poor kid.
Soon after, our flight started boarding, and this family was in the first group to board. We were the last so I had a few minutes to share the drama and quick chortle with PiC over the flight that kid was destined to have.
But seriously, after we came back, I thought: Wow, that was all kinds of dysfunctional.
To expand:
Mom – helicopter parenting much? If you “do everything” in the family, especially when things go wrong, no wonder your kids “do nothing” (if that’s even accurate) if they’re in the least bit inclined to be extrinsically motivated or are easily steamrollered. Just because one kid managed to get it “right” doesn’t mean all the others will, or do it the same way and I can’t imagine that doing it for them does anything but teach them that when they fail, you will fix it. And pitch a fit about it while trying to fix it. They won’t learn how to deal with failure and mistakes.
And then rewarding him with a trip to Hawaii when you had this situation brewing? Clearly from her comments, she’d been running around trying to fix this for weeks. It’s been years since I had to deal with this but I know AP registration had to be months before March. So, really? I don’t know about anyone else but no 17 year old kid of mine would be getting a lovely trip to a tropical island after being irresponsible enough to make mistake that big, not if I cared that much about it, family vacation or not. It clearly displays a misalignment in priorities: you can screw up that big but I will still give you these luxuries. Therefore, it doesn’t matter.
If that situation presented itself to me, my kiddo would be responsible for finding a way to late register and to earn the money for the community college he/she may be attending for a year instead, if not for the extra year in tuition and expenses now expected. And I would try to find a responsible adult for him or her to stay with under restriction, for the duration of our vacation, he or she would not be going on vacation. Because a teenager should be learning at that point I am not obliged to pay for your mistakes.
Nothing is terribly simple in parenting, I know, but basic attitudes wherein all the parents’ mistakes are their mistakes and all the kids’ mistakes are also the parents’ responsibility without ever bothering to teach kids culpability and agency seems to be a terrible thing.
***
I was made aware from a very early age that we didn’t have much money and even though my parents expected to pay for college, I needed to defray the costs. My parents had no clue AP tests existed; my brother was a poor academic so he didn’t take them but I found out about them as soon as I started high school and I assumed I would take them. I also sought and applied for low income grants to help lower test fees because we didn’t have the money for that either.
They didn’t have the knowledge, nor the time or inclination, to pick up after my mistakes. And I would have paid the price for them in the end when I had to pay for college. As it turned out, I saved myself a number of classes via taking AP exams. I wasn’t the highest scorer nor the most prolific. The most classes one could take and test was around fourteen by graduation, I think. But I did manage to eliminate a few basic classes that I would otherwise have wasted time and money taking.
***
The attitude reflected in that family dynamic is one I see repeated in the five or ten percent of the young people I deal with professionally. They expect to be prioritized and taken care of and anything that isn’t done for them within their timeframe is simply outrageous.
One staff sniped at me for not answering or then returning her call within twenty minutes because she wanted to get on the road, never you mind I was in back to back meetings. And the reason she needed to reach me so urgently was the result of not making the appropriate arrangements in the first place.
The same population also demonstrate they can’t conduct their own professional affairs, make their own decisions like whether and how to apply for promotions they’re not qualified for or mature enough for, yet are proactive enough to create rumors about not landing them because of one or another imagined slight, and heap all possible responsibility on others. These limited visionaries are gems.
The other ninety percent are, due to careful selection, pretty great and even care about protecting their jobs but we have to spend an inordinate amount of time to find those candidates. And even then, we have to teach basic sense.
It’s very much the opposite of these kids I could be proud of all day long. Look! Past performance IS an indicator of future performance!
Ed Note: This observational anecdote was simply a superficial people watching. My comment about the dysfunctionality, above, was in reference to the specific interactions that I observed and the effects I know to stem from that in my personal experience, no more, no less. Of course I know I don’t know these people outside of those interactions. I don’t presume to, nor am I suggesting that I understand any or everything about their lives beyond what they loudly paraded in front of me and everyone else. But I was interested by a slice of the extremely detailed life that was relevant to my personal and professional interests and commented on that.
If I were inclined to pass actual judgement on a family, I’d do that based on a longitudinal, anthropological study much like that of the members of my own family who have earned the nod of disapproval for a lifetime of poor behavior. But having lived with abuse, manipulation, and severe dysfunction, the circumstances of which have been discussed, dissected and understood from every possible means, I don’t judge easily or lightly.
May 30, 2012
I had forgotten what a difference a tailor makes.
Poking around an Ann Taylor sale, there was a blazer with great bones that seemed like it could fill out a hole in my professional wardrobe really nicely so I added it to my order, mostly to try on and hit the free shipping quota.
It was boxy and bulky. I was a bit shocked that, even sized as far down as possible, it still made me look completely frumpy, like a beanpole wrapping herself in a sackcloth.
My eye for fit and fashion remains unhoned, but it was such a terrible fit that I had to go back and check whether I had imagined how well a jacket should fit. Comparing the difference between the $100 tailoring on the jacket I wear now and this off the rack jacket is night and day.
I’m still mulling over whether this jacket is worth spending the money on at all, or whether I should keep looking for better base material. Either way, I am reminded once again of the value of a great tailor on things like this.
The rest of the box was a bit of a disappointment.
A much needed pair of black pants: 2 inches too long, saggy around the waist and probably too long in the crotch.
Decision: On the fence but I’ve been grumpy about alteration experiences with pants of late. Or perhaps mainly with the fact that I can’t get into my altered pants which has less to do with them than me.
A medium-interesting poly blouse: too wide, the armholes too large. Not sure that can be remedied.
Decision: It’ll go back, it’s not worth $40 plus alterations.
Bright green cardigan:
Surprise and a half, the cardigan actually fit well; that never happens. I’ve already worn it a few times. It went with me, experimentally, on a work trip, and cheered up my (as it turned out unnecessarily) wintry gear quite well. My only concern is that it might not be a long-wearing material.
Decision: Probably a keeper.
While the additional 50% off made most of the order seem nearly reasonable, the total still makes me pale and I’m pretty sure I’d feel better returning at least half.
This reluctance to spend is why I struggle with having a variety of good clothes but I’m also striving not to hoard too much Stuff either – I get closet claustrophobia. The claustrophobia isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it limits careless spending and mindless accumulation. But it is a bit of a toughie getting dressed of a morning as clothes wear thin. Seems like they just don’t make things to last anymore.
May 16, 2012
One of the mistakes I’ve been making lately is getting on a plane without a good book. I never used to be caught anywhere without reading material at the ready, so being stranded on a plane was like the Spanish Inquisition. I didn’t bear it very well.
My past two weeks have been spectacularly rough, 10-18 hour days, and getting worse, now staring down the barrel of a full week of two business trips in a row, but feeling at death’s door has focused my mind wonderfully on the important things: Do Not Leave Without a Good Book.
Having had no leisure time, though, I had no idea what on earth is out there right now. I turned to Twitter and asked for help. Maybe fantasy or sci fi but it wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t, and it had to be around 700 or more pages because so help me, being stuck at 10,000 feet just having finished a book and needing another one for the next five hours is the sort of brain death I’ll trade someone’s toes for.
Twitter delivered and I share with you the bounty.
From @cthulhuchick: you might like The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. Kind of slow, very long, but very good. Historian/Dracula stuff.
From @scoughtfree: the name of the wind and the wise man’s fear by Patrick rothfuss. Though you want only 1, you will want the second soon.
And I’m digging 1Q84. That’s almost a thousand pages.
From @moneymaus: unbroken by laura hillenbrand!
From @csdaley: The Dragon’s Path by Daniel Abraham. Only 600 pages but if you buy the Kindle version it comes packaged with Leviathan Wakes.
And The Reality Dysfunction by Peter Hamilton.
And Perdido Street Station by China Mieville. Short on pages (640) but my favorite novel of the last decade.
And Otherland: City of Golden Shadow by @tadwilliams
From @clareyt: I recommend Shantaram!
May 7, 2012
With my promotion came a healthy bump in salary to a number that I’d been aiming at for some time. It’s not the “magic” six-figure number but it’s a necessary and great goalpost to reach.
I’ve insisted on making specific progress on salary for several reasons:
1. Regain lost ground. If I had stayed in a different niche of my field, I had the opportunity to make that salary earlier, with more robust and affordable benefits. I consciously chose change because it was time to temporarily give up the money for wider experience and a different environment was the wiser and healthier life option. But I wanted to get back on top.
2. Aim highly, and fail at negotiating. And win as well. Negotiating is highly uncomfortable. Not as in, I won’t do it, but as in, I hate how bad I feel at it. So I have to keep aiming at a higher number that I know I’m worth and negotiating, failing or succeeding, to get better at it. My work will back it up but until I master the art of simply negotiating, I’d always wonder how much I left something on the table.
3. Winning. I like winning. Obviously. And I treasure a win that scores a point for women that much more. I’ve always played against the boys when I competed: in sports, in academia, in grit. I wanted to be faster, tougher, smarter, meaner, and better in every possible way. Call it a family legacy or a survival instinct, I was practically born knowing that the patriarchy* was my enemy and I was going to crush its influence as far as I could.
There might have been a pivotal moment in my life, when I might have gone down the path of becoming a traditional docile woman. Then my dad said no, I couldn’t do something “because you’re a little girl.” He was actually concerned about my weighing all of 28 lbs with a bookbag, rather than being female, but at age five I heard sexist discrimination which got my dander up and it stayed up ever since.
I’m joking a little but really, if I heard sexism when I was five, I was probably long lost to docility. Sorry, Nurture.
This made me an insufferable little sister growing up, of course, until we figured out that it made me a perfectly decent little brother. As an adult, I don’t need to “think Iike a man” or a woman to get ahead. I think like me: I am rational, reasonable, seek compromise to create solutions but equitably because I’ll stand my ground until the cows come home. No one is going to play me, my team or my department. No one makes the mistake of thinking I’m soft in the workplace twice. And going over my head only gets the finger pointed right back to me.
So if women are chronically underpaid against men dollar for dollar? You better believe I’m going to do something about that.
4. Family. As much as my quest for breaking barriers and seeking equality for women in my small way, I always always sort of expected I might have kids. Practically speaking, I still have no idea how I’d manage but financially, the safest plan seemed to be: make as much as possible, secure a hefty savings, allow one of us to stay home.
Just think: If I earn at least six figures, or more, can you imagine what our savings would look like?! I regularly dream about that. And I will admit to trying to game the system of “creating choice”, to become the primary breadwinner, so that it would “only seem logical” that PiC stay home with the kid(s). I’d feel guilty secretly confessing here except he already knows I’m up to no good (TBD). 😉
*Patriarchy doesn’t equal men. The patriarchy I fought was the assumption that “little girls” can’t do the same things that men or boys can do, nor should they try, simply because they’re girls which automatically makes them weaker, dumber, illogical, morally weak or any number of demeaning assumptions that come with “don’t worry your little head about that.” Patriarchy is the assumption that men are superior in any and every way to women and deserve more (money, prestige, property, rights) simply because they are men and we are women.
I get along just fine with males as long as they accord me the respect I’ve earned, as I will for them. I spent many of my younger years competing and associating with males. Incidentally, that made it quite easy to very quickly disabuse several male bullies of the notion that I was any kind of a target, much less an easy one.
Many young males of my acquaintance bonded through competition, bragging, and chest beating; social order and hierarchy were established by these means though sometimes folded into somewhat more civilized behaviors (video games, academics), and since I was right in the middle of it, I learned to understand them quite early on. And they became pretty great friends.
April 25, 2012
Read Part I: Career Life: Securing the battlements for a promotion here
The wait would have been excruciating after Round 1 if I hadn’t firmly [very firmly] decided: I’d done my best with each interviewer (even if it wasn’t the best I could possibly do ever), I had advocates, and my best opportunity to prove that I was the right person for the job would be to continue to do my job well.
Besides, I was stressed enough with having to do my job, take care of my family and a million other things. I simply added a couple new interesting projects to my plate as backup plan hatchlings in case I didn’t land it, and moved along with life.
Stage 4: Getting the offer
It was a bit of a surprise, given several weeks’ wait, that rather than another round of interviews, the panel had decided in my favor.
Obviously, I was quite happy to hear I’d won. … erm, gotten the job, but then I had to receive the offer. I was verbally informed of the terms with the usual caveat that “there isn’t movement” in the offer and that HR would be following up with the formal letter soon.
Of course I mentally scoffed at the caution that there wouldn’t be movement – there would jolly well BE movement.
Stage 5: Negotiating the offer
I had my baseline number that would make me happy in mind. I already knew that the offer had come in below that number. So? I did my research to confirm how I could couch my counter-ask.
My advantage (and disadvantage) were the same: as an internal candidate, I was getting a standard offer. That’s just what they do. Nothing extraordinary to entice me from wherever I was coming from, and nothing more than they “had” to give me from one grade to the next.
That meant I knew exactly what the offer formula was and could point out in my Ask that the standard was actually not in keeping with the situation. As the selected candidate, I was confident that they knew my work was well above standard and I’d been held up as the star performer and best hire in my boss’s history of hires during my tenure more than once. I had excellent history and having beaten out candidates with 20+ years of management experience, I felt that reminding them that my salary should reflect that confidence wouldn’t be out of line.
Having built my team out of the ashes I was given, and made it one of the strongest and happiest teams in the most challenged section of the organization, alongside a few other serious accomplishments, I pointed out:
A) My track record in our rather unique culture was a given. My past history was laid out in front of them and a clear indicator of my future performance.
B) I’d already taken a paycut to come to this company and had made my investment of time and energy and commitment; I’d further dedicated myself to the next stages of growth but while my intent to stay and make a career at the organization was steadfast, I have my own life to consider.
I was asking the organization to come back to the table with support in the form of a commensurate salary that allows me to continue to make the choice to stay on with them long term. (Note: no threats, just the observation that we need to grow in our careers and salary is an integral part of that growth – and staying stagnant in salary and career was not something I signed up for, I made that very clear from the get-go in the interviews.)
My negotiating point of contact asked me what I wanted: I gave her a number substantially higher than my baseline happy number. My negotiator to take my Ask and to negotiate for a 6 month review if they couldn’t meet my number. The accelerated review cycle was my next negotiating point so that was perfect.
Stage 6: Round Two, Negotiations
I didn’t get my higher number, but I got my baseline. Then I asked for one more item that would have been useful to me in quality of life: increased vacation time. This isn’t an area that’s normally negotiable but as usual: you don’t get what you don’t ask for. I also didn’t get what I did ask for but no harm, no foul. The reason given wasn’t really a good or a bad reason. I’ll ask again later when the water’s warm.
Stage 7: Closing Statements
In the end, I got the money and the title with the job that I was mainly already doing. With a few rounds of mockery and a laugh, we signed the paperwork.
Observations: It wasn’t a fun process but both parties were satisfied with the results and there wasn’t any animosity. I’m set for the next year: to build up the strongest, most productive team we’ve ever had with the highest retention rates we’ve ever had and with the most ambitious team goals ever set so far. That’s not going to be anything like easy but I didn’t get this job or this raise because I set low bars to achieve.
And perusing SavvyWorkingGal’s post on women in the workforce and job disillusionment reminded me of something. Someone once said to me, “They won’t let women get anywhere near power in this place.” I’d laughed and said something random to deflect but I very carefully filed that away. We have women directors aplenty, strong and outspoken, bright and introverted, if you have the eyes to see it. Never let anyone, male or female, faux-befriend and trick you into thinking that the patriarchy is the reason you can’t grow and achieve. They may actually be the ones hoping to keep you down.
Do great work. Enjoy what you do. Support good people. Find allies who love what they do. Mentor people who need mentoring and want to love what they do. Ask for mentoring from people who have integrity, strength, humor and sway. Find your joy and to quote my favorite bus driver: “don’t let nobody take it away.” It all adds up to something substantial.
March 3, 2012
Warren Ellis on space and some of our ridiculous politicians and politics today. He was specifically asked about Gingrich by name though I’m sure he could be quite evenhanded with both sides’ ridiculousity if desired.
My favorite bits that almost make this embarrassing degenerate circus seem like it’s not just spinning out of control:
As someone who’s been very astute at understanding American political mythology — in Crooked Little Vein and elsewhere — what does the 2012 GOP primary say to you about the United States?
Absolutely nothing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun sideshow, but I don’t believe it says anything about the country other than that working democracy is like making haggis, in that you really don’t want to see what goes into that shit. It does say a lot about the state of the GOP, and I can’t help but wonder if the party moderates are just letting this parade of mental patients and unelectable criminals simply happen, so that they can detoxify the party after the inevitable firestorm of failure.
What role does fiction play in inspiring innovation and human development?
Most centers of scientific innovation are full of people walking around with a head full of science fiction, I’ve found. I mean, thank god. It means someone’s still buying my books. And if it’s NASA, then they’re using your tax dollars to do it. Excellent.
For some disclosure, though not full, I take issue with just about all current candidates who are full of pompous puffery and championing insane causes for more insane reasons. There have got to be some good people left who can represent and debate original ideas who aren’t full of unadulterated …. well.
————
In defense of the First Amendment, the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund does good work. In this particular case, the CBLDF helped defend a man who was arrested in Canada, detained without given the reason for his detention, not granted access to counsel nor to the American Embassy.
His “crime”? Traveling with his comics, specifically manga, on his laptop which falls under the broad Canadian definition of child pornography.
Despite having the charges dropped after waging a $75,000 court battle, the attorneys involve still caution all travelers:
Although the outcome of this case is ultimately positive, comic book readers should be aware that there are still dangers for traveling with comics in Canada. Edelson says, “Aside from the very positive outcome to this story, your members should be cautioned concerning the search and seizure regime here in Canada exercised by the Canadian Border Services Agency. Moreover, they should also be aware that although anime and manga is legal in many areas of the United States and Japan, etc., to possess and utilize, the Canadian authorities may take a different view if this material is found on any laptops or mobile devices when you enter the country. Many of the issues that arise in similar circumstances are thoroughly addressed in our comprehensive Notice of Application.”
While I don’t think of any of my anime or manga as being particularly, or at all, salacious, the very nature of the style is such that everyone is drawn in an exaggerated, child-like, manner, including the adults. I’d be very careful when traveling to Canada not to bring any manga out of concern for the scope for misinterpretation.
A Recipe
Courtesy of Cait, I’m going to be trying this out.
Coconut Curry
INGREDIENTS:
2 bunches green onions
1 (14 ounce) can light coconut milk
1/4 cup soy sauce, divided
1/2 teaspoon brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons curry powder
1 teaspoon minced fresh ginger
2 teaspoons chile paste
1 pound firm tofu, cut into 3/4 inch cubes
4 roma (plum) tomatoes, chopped
1 yellow bell pepper, thinly sliced
4 ounces fresh mushrooms, chopped
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil
4 cups chopped bok choy
salt to taste
DIRECTIONS:
1. Remove white parts of green onions, and finely chop. Chop greens into 2 inch pieces.
2. In a large heavy skillet over medium heat, mix coconut milk, 3 tablespoons soy sauce, brown sugar, curry powder, ginger, and chile paste. Bring to a boil.
3. Stir tofu, tomatoes, yellow pepper, mushrooms, and finely chopped green onions into the skillet. Cover, and cook 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Mix in basil and bok choy. Season with salt and remaining soy sauce. Continue cooking 5 minutes, or until vegetables are tender but crisp. Garnish with remaining green onion.
January 4, 2012
It’s 2012.
I’m thinking about my mom.
I’m thinking about the fact that I should be getting some news this month, one way or the other, that impacts my career path.
I’m thinking about the fact that we have, no joke, a thousand things to do this year at work, at home, at work, at home.
I’m thinking about how much I wanted to go home today and think about my mom.
I’m thinking about how we’re scheduled to launch the pilot of a new platform that I’ve worked on for a whole year, next flipping week.
I’m thinking about how I haven’t blogged comfortably, well, in months, if not years.
I’m thinking about how on earth I’m going to keep my family together.
I’m thinking about how much travel we tentatively have queued up for the year.
I’m thinking about how much I miss my friends, even the ones I haven’t gotten to meet yet, or the friends I’ve only met once or a few times.
I’m thinking about how I feel like eloping was the right thing to do but I missed out on the bonding that could have happened with old, good friends if I had planned a regular wedding.
I’m thinking about how fun a new project could be.
I’m thinking about how sad and in pain a dear friend was this morning and I’m so glad I emailed her, all unknowing.
I’m thinking about all the thank you cards I want to, need to, write.
I’m thinking about how much I really really need to focus (Singlema’s post on Focus at Fitness, Finance and Fun reminded me of the old me, so very very much).
I’m thinking.
