By: Revanche

2012: at this moment, looking forward

January 4, 2012

It’s 2012.

I’m thinking about my mom.

I’m thinking about the fact that I should be getting some news this month, one way or the other, that impacts my career path.

I’m thinking about the fact that we have, no joke, a thousand things to do this year at work, at home, at work, at home.

I’m thinking about how much I wanted to go home today and think about my mom.

I’m thinking about how we’re scheduled to launch the pilot of a new platform that I’ve worked on for a whole year, next flipping week.

I’m thinking about how I haven’t blogged comfortably, well, in months, if not years.

I’m thinking about how on earth I’m going to keep my family together.

I’m thinking about how much travel we tentatively have queued up for the year.

I’m thinking about how much I miss my friends, even the ones I haven’t gotten to meet yet, or the friends I’ve only met once or a few times.

I’m thinking about how I feel like eloping was the right thing to do but I missed out on the bonding that could have happened with old, good friends if I had planned a regular wedding.

I’m thinking about how fun a new project could be.

I’m thinking about how sad and in pain a dear friend was this morning and I’m so glad I emailed her, all unknowing.

I’m thinking about all the thank you cards I want to, need to, write.

I’m thinking about how much I really really need to focus (Singlema’s post on Focus at Fitness, Finance and Fun reminded me of the old me, so very very much).

I’m thinking.

8 Responses to “2012: at this moment, looking forward”

  1. Shelley says:

    When I posted a few months ago about the death of a friend, some one recommended this website

    http://www.goodgriefcenter.com/help/twenty_tips.php

    It looked pretty to me, so maybe it will help you. No point in second guessing yourself about the way you got married. It’s done; you made a rational decision at the time given the state of play then and I think it was a good one. You could however plan a post-wedding party – Bill’s daughter married in Vegas and this is what she did later when they were back home about a month. Any time you get together with friends is a chance for bonding.

    I thought your friend’s post about focus was good – it sort of describes how I did school and got out of debt, etc. However, we don’t always have the luxury of only focussing on one single thing. Life – and death – gets in the way of that, whatever we think our priority is. You’ll get back on track eventually, I’m sure.

    What I would say is to make sure you put your own health and well being first. You can’t fill anyone else’s cup if your teapot is empty.

  2. Tanya says:

    Wishing you luck with all the big things upcoming. Sounds like you could stand to take some time just for yourself sometime soon.

  3. Anonymous says:

    My dad died two years ago, and believe me, I just now feel like things are kind of back to normal. It makes you question everything and a lot of stuff will seem off-kilter for a while. Sending good thoughts your way.

    Bonnie

  4. I hope the career stuff turns out in your favor, and the pilot goes well.

    And I hope your thoughts of your mom bring you comfort rather than pain (though I know it probably is both).

    Sending you hugs.

  5. Single Ma says:

    The old you is still there. Life has a natural ebb & flow and sometimes we’re forced to sit down and “be still” when we need it most. Re: your mom and family. *hugs* Your focus will return and the future you will be even better. 🙂

    I hope the work news is GREAT news!

  6. Grace. says:

    Here’s the thing–YOU wouldn’t have bonded over a wedding; YOUR FRIENDS would have bonded but YOU would have been totally stressed out. So, I’m with Shelley–throw a massive party, wear what you got married in, make everyone else dress to the teeth and have fun with a lot less stress.

    For months after my mother died, I’d see a movie advertised (usually some kind of mystery or action flick, her favorites) and my first thought was that I needed to call her and take her to the . . .oh, right, she was dead. It takes a lot of getting used to.

  7. just remember when rememberign your mom, you should try to think of her as how you remember her and not just the sadness at the end. *hugs*

  8. Revanche says:

    @Shelley: Thank you for the link.

    I’m accustomed to being highly focused on ten or twenty things, really, but these days, I’d been finding it so difficult to stay on any track at all. A little less so now that a little less pressure has been let off but even the idea of taking care of myself was added pressure until *some*thing was taken off the plate.

    @Tanya: Thank you. And yes. Little bits of time would really do it.

    @Bonnie: Thank you for the perspective and well wishes.

    @StackingPennies: It didn’t all fall apart! Hallelujah!

    And it’s a weird time, still.

    @SingleMa: It must be, or I wouldn’t care, right?

    Thanks 🙂

    @Grace: I think you’re right – I was just thinking back to one of my most graceful friends who made it seem so easy. She gathered us around her and was so gracious and loving and made it so easy to love her as a bride and as a friend that I really wished I could have done the same and enjoyed my friends in the same way. But really, even the attempt to gather wasn’t anything like the same for me.

    @AP: *hugs*

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