October 30, 2011
Changing our Tunes
Remember how I said wedding planning was a pain, and I didn’t like it? Well, I (and PiC) didn’t like it so very much that the unthinkable became thinkable. And then ….
Well, at first, I thought it was a joke.
A couple days after that post on the 11th:
“What about the end of October?”
“What about the end of October?”
“What if we just went to the courthouse?”
/head tilt/ “… to … do what?”
“You know. Get married.”
— *mentally reading the calendar* you’re going to be traveling most of this month. When are we going to talk or do anything about getting married with even just a few people present?– “Surely you’re joking.”
No answer from PiC.
Ok, he must have been joking.
October 23rd, he returned from a trip. The subject was reopened the next day. “You weren’t kidding? You’re not kidding? Right now, you’re not kidding me? You’re kidding me. Right? What? WHAT?”
He was not kidding me.
Wheels started turning. Panic set in a little bit. It was all a joke before! Now it wasn’t! Holy chickaree! But aside from a few moments of {why are we doing this …??} it felt right. Mom’s health has been steadily declining. I haven’t been happy with any of the earlier compromises or attempts at planning largely because of my worrying over her health and how she’d be able to handle any kind of event even though she wanted me to have one. I personally didn’t want one. Talking to my dad Tuesday night confirmed that she’s not having any sort of miraculous turnaround or even stabilizing. There was no sense in holding out for her sake.
PiC being happy to have a much smaller one, even elopement style, was amazing. He was always happy with the idea of small but not as small as I wanted it to be. Also I was stuck between the all or nothing situation and wasn’t sure how to find my way out. How do I invite some of the relatives I really want to share this with and not create a family rift? And that alone would be too many people in combination with his family and friends. So I sacrificed all of my family but three. Plus surrogate family – old friends so close I’ve been adopted into their clan. My heart was appeased.
This compromise of around 20 was manageable – I was pretty sure I wouldn’t lose my composure. We were sorely missing some very good friends but the days hurtled past and we couldn’t dwell on that. Or anything.
Calls were made. My most amazing long distance people booked their flights (even cross country) the second I confirmed we were trying to do it last Friday – before we even had plans. We rushed to the SF courthouse for a license on Tuesday. He confirmed the courthouse appointment on Wednesday. We picked a restaurant that night and made the reservation on Thursday. We confirmed most of our guests up until Friday morning. I was confirming and adding seats to our table as late as arriving at the restaurant for lunch. This was not a normal wedding by any stretch of the imagination.
{to be continued}
October 11, 2011
Wedding planning: We’re doing it wrong.
Not that we haven’t attempted going at it forward but the few months of planning over the summer was fraught with other deadlines, an incredible amount of travel for other obligations. As usual, it seemed like everyone else’s lives came first. And as we did our research for the very simple, very small budget wedding I wanted to aim for, more bits fell off the wagon than stayed on.
I still haven’t figured out what to do about the guest list as far as the question of the whole of my family, for one. I’ve had long heartfelt talks with my closest friends who know the history, know my mind, and me. I’m conflicted because what I want to do is not what I need to do. My willingness to cut out my family out of the wedding isn’t only my personal choice. No matter how much my dad says he’s willing to bear the fallout, it’s a sacrifice that he’ll have to live with. And I will have trouble knowing I’ve contributed to complicating his relationships and somewhat tenuous support system.
So instead of dealing with it, and the parks that won’t cooperate by costing less than actual venues by the end of all the fees, taxes or restrictions, we resigned ourselves to not making the November date and backburnered the wedding.
Not the honeymoon planning, though!
We were gifted an enormously generous gift for the wedding: a week in a timeshare. That came with an expiration date, so we had to get on that straightaway.
After searching the world over for available locations, which my confused Twitter followers might remember from my very random tweets one night (Me: British Virgin Islands? Netherlands? Sweden? Paris? Spain?), we found that we had, in fact, very few choices because everything is meant to be booked a year in advance and we were hoping to finish this whole wedding business sooner rather than later.
Change of plans
A more exotic locale, improperly researched or timed for the high season can easily burst your budget. Doing similar research, comparing prices on airfare as a starting point, I found that the initial places that sounded fun to us (Australia and New Zealand) were easily twice as costly during the months we speculated about traveling. With my visions of belt tightening on our honeymoon, we were happy to turn our feet to a different path as well.
We’re going to Hawaii!
It’ll be a more manageable trip insofar as flights management and time management go. We won’t fly for a day and a half just to get to our destination, and we won’t be paying nearly $4000 just for flights. Instead, it’ll be a morning’s flight there, and a day coming back. I might even be able to wrangle enough points or miles to pay for the flights themselves. This is still a work in progress.
Neither of us are emotionally invested in the specific vacation or destination. It’d be cool to be going somewhere really cool, but at the end of the day we’ll be happy to relax, eat good food and not incessantly worry if we’re going over budget.
[Honeymoon notwithstanding, I will absolutely worry incessantly so it’s just better all around to have a moderately priced and planned trip where we can eat and play to our hearts’ content.]
So that’s one thing, the last thing on the list, decided.
July 11, 2011
A woodcut arrived in the mail today. No kidding, an actual piece of art, that is also a wedding invitation was delivered by the USPS, Lord love ’em.
It never fails to amaze me how much better people are at this wedding thing than I, with the use of natural materials, and embossing, and engraving and you know, scheduling. That stuff.
This isn’t about the psychology of how to really mess with other prospective or future bride’s minds via fancitude. I’m bemused by that part, and quite impressed, to be perfectly frank. I have no intentions of ever attempting to play in that pool because I’d immediately drown forthwith. (I keep stopping to pet the woodcut every few sentences. It’s that cool.) I think the only thing more pettable would be flocking. But maybe that’s just tacky? I don’t know …. Right. Digressing again.
This is an invitation to a destination wedding for which I would have to travel a fair distance.** On an island. A pretty island, where we have other friends as well. Oh and food, yummy food all around the island! And we like this couple quite well. So there are draws to going for a few days, not just for the wedding, to make the scary ticket prices worthwhile.
But obviously, since my thoughts trend in that direction, I’m not actually very close with either of them, though we have known them for a longish time and know them through PiC, and PiC’s not so close with them either.
At least, we’re not the kind of close where we saw the announcement or the invite and were online booking our tickets immediately because we wouldn’t miss it for the world. Not the kind of close where you would be surprised not to be invited. Conversely, we weren’t shocked to be invited either. In fact, I can’t say what level of close we are. We like them. We get along well with them. We enjoy their company. It’d be great to see them and raise a glass to their union. Is that what it takes to rate an invite?
I get that people often have the freedom to invite more people to a destination wedding because you know many of them won’t be able to make it. Although for something like this where you’re not *that* far away, you might not choose to go that route that if you’re hoping to control head count. I’m guessing that’s not so much a concern for them.
My ruminations on the matter range thusly:
Do you invite all and sundry you would enjoy the company of and wouldn’t mind/can afford to pay for at such a shindig knowing that those you care about will come, the rest are bonuses?
Do you invite only those you most care about, and do they understand an invite is a selective thing and therefore indication of belovedness?
Or does the 80% rule pretty much always apply however you slice the invitations? (Expect that 80% of your list will probably RSVP yes or show up.)
For this invitation:
We would expect to pay at least $1100 for airfare depending on the flight dates, we have been offered accommodations by another prospective guest but I don’t know what those dates span (our dates would be cheapest Thursday through Monday it seems). If we had to go for a shorter trip, airfare would be a couple hundred more, or we’d have to pay for a hotel room for the additional day(s). Either way, we would have to pay for food and drink for five days. That doesn’t include any other transportation in between, or other outings or activities.
Guesstimate Budget: Could run up to $2000 for 4-5 days.
I could possibly get creative with buying some miles to get at least one ticket nearly covered, possibly. Bring that down to around $1500 max. But I’m not sure how to fit this into our schedule, even, just a couple months away from our wedding if we have one. And I honestly don’t know how important we are to them. Feels like we should know this sort of thing but …. we don’t. Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Open to the audience:
If you were in my sandals, would you be Kauai/Bahamas/Tahiti/tropical island bound?
If you were on the other side of the list, how did or would you curate your list?
** NOTE: I completely goofed calling this a destination wedding! This is a wedding that we would all have to travel for but the couple actually live there now. They moved back to this island a little while ago and I managed to forget this because they lived here for so long. Derp! I was also thinking of it in the sense of a destination wedding because so many of their friends over here were invited.
June 20, 2011
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| Borrowed from a free Owly comic, one of the most expressive non-verbal books I’ve ever had the pleasure of “reading.” |
My oldest friend, measured by years we’ve known each other, not by her age, was feted recently. She’s expecting her first baby and we both traveled fair distances to meet each other for this event. I can’t remember the last time we were able to spend time together.
That’s always been the story of our friendship, actually.
We met as children of primary school age, then separated by district lines until that same bureaucracy funneled us back into the same schools. Through high school we remained good friends, despite sharing few classes. We had little in common other than a drip of superficially similar background but we fit like two bits of puzzle without jostling, always kindred spirits, always loyal, no matter how long since last contact. It’s the kind of relationship that doesn’t needa crisis or a reason to prove that it exists.
In the years following, her faith and our lives have taken dramatically different directions and yet neither of us have felt any distance grow between us. No moss has overgrown our friendship; no differences diminish the value of our connection.
And so, with the coming of her baby ever-imminent, PiC and I headed down south so I could spend this joyful time with her. Now typically, I’m a bit of a groaner when it comes to these things. I hate them, to be honest, having been to so many bloodless affairs. Wedding and baby showers can tend to become gift grabs when all and sundry are invited, fancied up for the look of the thing, and frankly, I tired of it long ago.
But this shower was a labor of love by her other closest friend who hosts beautifully and thoughtfully. The guest list was a small, curated mix of close family, family friends, and dear friends, and the mum-to-be was able to spend good quality time with most of the attendees such that everyone who traveled was able to share some wisdom and laughter. The food was delicious – always important – and plentiful, and the guests all seemed relaxed and comfortable.
She and I saw the guests off and stayed well after to help clean up, spend time with the hostess and her family, and we later packed her gifts for her travel back. Despite being quite far along, she was doing the dishes while I cleared the table, dried the dishes, and watched the kids. Clearly, my friend is not a brat and we’re still a good team. We later spent a good half day together catching up and running other errands.
I spent $100 on the shower, for gifts on and off-registry, lunch, and gas (because she generously offered to be the driver during our post-shower bonding time), not counting travel costs to SoCal. We noticed that it’s a funny thing with babies that people can’t resist buying all kinds of things so you go off-registry so easily. Guilty.
But, look, I’m not going to get to see my niece or nephew related by long-time friendship much so I have to start the nerding-by-osmosis early and often: books and bonds! My favorite gift to the baby was a black and white Owly book. Mama-to-be says black and white is supposed to stimulate the baby’s brain. Favorite gift for me was Mama-to-be assuring me that yes, if I *had* gotten her child superhero underpants, the baby would have worn them. (Guess what I’m going to buy next?)
I also brought back a few offers to help with wedding planning from old friends I hadn’t seen in ages which was really generous and a possible line on other wedding related stuff. It was one of my best trips back down south in a really long time.
June 3, 2011
Over the years, I’ve been witness to a great many friends and family pledging their troths, and in the planning processes, not too many of them have gone the way of the ‘zilla: Bride, Mother, or Groom Edition, but there have been a few. As we get older and wiser, some of us are getting cranky and less tolerant of these behaviors. We certainly are no longer willing to entertain the demands when they’ve blasted beyond the boundaries of sanity.
While it’s wonderful to share this day of joy with your family and friends, and it’s even more joyful if they can participate if they can offer their love and skills with you, there comes a time when you’ve created an indentured servant of your friend or loved one and it’s time to stop the madness.
Happily, selfishly happily, I’ve only been observing the latest dramas from afar and shaking my head but I can say that without a doubt a compleat set of poor performance has been displayed by someone I thought I knew and it’s quite disappointing. We wonder if this will wear off post-wedding – I sure hope so as I imagine there’s no excuse to act like this afterward!
As witness….
* Inviting your bridal party to every one of your serial wedding shower events, and telling them they must buy you a gift for every one of the events – Not Kosher.
* Telling a dear friend who has lovingly created a piece of art you commissioned that you plan to use for an integral part of the wedding that everyone will see that you’d “rather pay for those materials so that he/she ‘can buy you a real gift'” – Not Kosher
* Sending people back of beyond to select flowers in the perfect shade of “your color” for one of your celebratory events that’s not actually the wedding – Not Kosher
* I couldn’t say that doing the above for the wedding itself was Kosher, either. But I would expect you to order your flowers from someone you pay to abuse like so.
* Insisting that people follow your schedule for six-nine months before the wedding, the whole time block, for everything you deem important to the planning process – Not Kosher
* Asking for favor, upon favor, upon favor – should not ever be couched as a demand. Or a right. I don’t care how “bestie of bestie friends” you are. You’re asking for favors. Their time, skills and resources do not actually belong to you.
* Asking your bridal party what their budgets are for dresses and then demanding that they buy dresses precisely four times that amount will break something.
* Telling your invitation designer to go back and change the design again after you’ve gotten specially sized envelopes, special card stock and a specific design on no budget because your sketch would look really cool on there – Not Kosher
Conversely?
* Don’t offer yourself up to do favors for people endlessly and then be angry or put off when people take you up on it, ever. The people you whine to then are the same people you whined to before when you weren’t being asked to do things. We hear both sets of whining.
* Don’t offer your professional services as a gift, and then sit down at the table after failing to render a service to negotiate a fee.
* Don’t insist that you have to be kept apprised of everything but never respond to any updates or requests for input.
* Insisting that your way is the only way and then completely failing to contribute to making your way work by reason of absenteeism, lack of communication, sulking or alcohol – Not Kosher
For the record, equal opportunity exasperation here – all sexes, ages, and creeds have been guilty of something in the above list.
Shaking our heads over the latest spate, a good friend of mine has firmly stated her adult life rule: I don’t have room in my life for this. He/she and I were never close and this confirms that that couple is now on that short list of people I just don’t need.
Have you been trounced or bounced about in a similar game of My Life is More Important Than Yours? Would you, like my friend, draw a line and say Enough?
May 26, 2011
The average American wedding is said to cost in the neighborhood of $25,000. The average Asian wedding, of all the weddings I’ve helped to organize, are in that neighborhood as well, if not more depending on your guest list. We may not have too much set yet but I can tell you this much: that’s not happening.
It’s actually sort of funny that we’re caught in between the weird expectations of both. We have gently corrected people from all sides of the equation: no guys, we’re not throwing a big American-tradition wedding because we don’t actually have to live up to everyone else’s expectations. No, guys, we’re not throwing a Gigantor Asian wedding because we don’t actually have to. We’re not inviting many members of my family and depending on our guests to subsidize the bill. (To clarify: Dozens of family guest lists have been created by the phrase “who cares how many people are there? They’ll pay their own way.” I am happy to be an anomaly.)
We’re setting our own budget and paying our own bill out of pocket. And doing it our way. #utterlyforeign
Confession time: We have barely been saving for this thing. Yes, we have been together for years, but I honestly was not expecting to be engaged this year. I wasn’t expecting anything at any time. As far as I’m concerned, this thing just happened. For me, I’m scrambling to get ahead of the 8-ball. But the half lifetime of good habits means that we won’t be piling debt upon debt, we won’t be going into debt for this wedding, and we won’t be spending our entire cash reserves for it either.
You all know that a budget was certainly the first thing I’d want to do before we committed to anything. Still is, since we’ve only talked about plans in theory and the only thing we’ve I’ve spent on so far is a dress that I expect to return to J.Crew returned to J.Crew.
PiC, however, is not addicted to personal finance, nor a PF blogger, so found my need to laser-focus on immediately carving out savings goals disconcerting. I don’t blame him, though I did pout for a minute. 😉 Things are different now that we’re becoming more and more bonded – we move more slowly than I’m used to and I can’t make all the executive and financial decisions in a split second. The flip side of that change is that I no longer bear all the burdens alone. It’s a fair enough trade, I think.
I digress.
I’m working with a skeleton number mentally and that’s actually ok for now.
We’ve noodled our guest list. It’s not final but it’s down to 180 which is near miraculous considering what we were starting with. We’re happy with the concept of a tiny ceremony and a casual lunch type meal with the bigger group of people we’d invite (and therefore feed). Pictures are important to him, and by extension, me, so we’ll have to hire an actual photographer.
With those factors in mind, the three most important items we’ll have to worry about are: setting a date, booking a venue, and booking a photographer.
I’m aiming to keep our total cost within the $7000 range. I’d like to make it a challenge to myself, but I’ll be honest with y’all, I’m a bit worried I won’t be able to do it.
Obstacles:
Feed 180 people delicious food,
Hosting them in a relatively nice, clean (not relatively), place,
Caveat: Homes and backyards are not an option, we don’t know anyone with that capacity
Have great photos.
Do it all without stressing overmuch. **
Have I missed anything?
** Being annoyed doesn’t count. It’s not allowed to count.
We’re pricing things out now. The little things are easier. A marriage license: $100. Dress alterations: $ UM. Airfare to SoCal before the wedding: Southwest Rapid Rewards! <3
The big things, they’re negotiable. It’s a start.
May 15, 2011
There’s so much going on these days to share, that the dearth of posting, in part thanks to Blogger’s downtime at exactly the wrong time, has naught to do with having nothing to say. Though, I’m hearing that blog posts and comments from mid-week were deleted so I suppose it’s a good thing I hadn’t posted anything close to that time – I’d be furious about losing those!
Where to start?
Work.
Thailand.
Dog.
Wedding.
(You’ll note that the wedding falls to the bottom of the list. That is representative of something.)
But I have been writing, organizing and doing and you shall soon enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Budget: Traditionally, my family expects you to spend between $20-30K on a wedding for a standard 300-400 guests (“they pay for themselves” etc). “Thank goodness for formulas” except PiC and I are going off the grid, particularly because “standard Asian traditional” for me would have gone right through the roof to 400 on my side alone. So we’re starting from scratch too.
I love regular budgeting but …. I don’t love wedding budgeting. Maybe it’s because I’m cranky about the mark-up on everything just because it’s a wedding?
No matter how awesome you are at negotiating, it eventually becomes a zero-sum game. You can either have it, make it, or do without if you’re going to hit your budget. Unless someone donates it. So again, somehow, it feels a lot less fun than regular budgeting even though it is exactly the same principle.
Vision: I haven’t got a vision. Or a theme. Or colors. For the love of smooshy, stop asking about colors, please?
Eemusings is also engaged but her take is a bit closer to my attitude of “Not ready to plan yet” despite my probably most-pending-nuptials of the three of us. I could use a real kick in the pants to get moving on making things happen because between now and the projected “Hey, can we do this?” date of early November – we have major work events (June), travel (July), more travel for work (undetermined), weddings to attend (June), work (August), other people’s weddings (September) …
Yeek! Who has time to plan a wedding? Or go to one?
Is it just me or do the years book up really fast? Is anyone else feeling a bit overwhelmed by their schedule and wanting to opt out? (Funny about Money, you come to mind.)
