March 15, 2011
After much deliberation, I’ve made my decision. We’re thinking a small ceremony, very small, followed by a big casual shindiggy foody thing where the formality doesn’t matter so that plays a role in my decision as well.
PiC has four groomsmen, one of whom is his best man, and I will have a maid of honor. As such, I’m renaming it the Groom’s Party.
He doesn’t want to be imbalanced but I think it’s silly to not have his best friends stand up for him if he’s always known precisely who he wanted just because I’m lame and don’t have the numbers to “balance” them.
Besides, if the bride has 4 attendants and the groom has 1, everyone looks at the bride like she’s a high maintenance such and such. If the numbers are reversed, it’s suddenly d’awww, and neat, and that’s pretty cool. Whatever. Grooms get away with almost everything. Just go with it. Besides, *evil grin* it’ll be fun to have that weird visual dissonance, won’t it?
*****
And it’s not just because I’m lame. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking on this. Too much time, in fact. And will probably spend more time thinking about it.
It’s one of those things that seems like it should be a simple choice if it’s right. And if it’s not then I should just make the simplest choice possible because the convoluted one will probably make me and everyone around me unhappy.
For some people, I think the answer is obvious. For me, it’s just not. I can’t easily name the two, three or four closest girlfriends and ask them to do this thing *gesticulating wildly* and stand beside me on my wedding day. I have multiple small circles of friends with whom I’m very close for different reasons. How do I pick? And if I redefine “closeness” as “my go-to people” which is my practical side coming out, well, those are my dudes. That could be awkward? (Or hilarious… and their girlfriends could be annoyed.) Also, my go-to people aren’t interested in wedding planning. They’re more like go on missions to aid people/quest for food kind of people.
So then the typical construction of a bridal party might go something like this: the female siblings on either side are obligatory, cousins may be, childhood or college classmates may be. A bride may have run out of fingers on one hand and moved on to the next and that’s before she’d gotten to friends she was closest with at that point in life! There are all sorts of expectations and potential for hurt feelings and resentment wrapped up in the convention of picking the bridal party.
And in my experience, after all that spazzing over picking people to stand by your side and support you through a stressful process to get you to the wedding day, it may not quite feel worth it, having seen things from the back stage, as it were.
I’ve played the role of the bridesmaid nearly a dozen times now. My rule is if I’m your bridesmaid, you are my bride. And if you are my bride, I take care of you, along with fellow bridesmaids (is that genderist phrasing?). You are asking for support, probably two parties and maybe a silly-dress-wearing, during a time of great importance and transition in your life. We are sharing an important time in our friendship and it should be joyful. And it was awful to see other bridesmaids crap on that.
I have observed some bridesmaids choose to rant and whine behind the brides’ back when they feel inconvenienced; they choose to remain unhappy instead of being honest to resolve conflicts; they choose to be disingenuous and force the bride to try to appease them instead of dealing with whatever stressful situation is at hand. And yes, the brides know when you’re acting a fool behind their backs. They’re not idiots.
Yes, we all know of the ever-vaunted Bridezillas and I’ve backed out of bridesmaiding for Those Brides. What I don’t think people talk or know about are the bridesmaids who fail their task of just being supportive in a reasonable manner. The bridesmaids who are in it to look good in front of an audience, or for a free party and flings. There are those ‘maids and it’s not as few and far between as the “But It Wouldn’t Happen Here” crowd might think. My brides have been basically reasonable. Stressed, but reasonable. And yet, some of their attendants still found ways and means to crap on them.
I didn’t accept the job if I couldn’t observe my rule. I’d only ask the same. But when’s the last time someone was willing to be honest enough to say, “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can be your bridesmaid because I think you’re asking more than I can give?” Seriously, blunt honesty is the biggest gift you could give me during any time of stress.
While I don’t think that the people I might pick if I could pick freely would be those bridesmaids, I realize that there are other factors at play, including obligatory invites that force an unnatural dynamic and a process of picking, and not picking, that can produce unexpected results.
My conclusion then is that for a very small wedding, I don’t truly need attendants, I need one person to help me with the dress and with some preparations and emotional support, and by keeping it to one person in the actual “party”, I don’t have to juggle the rest of the politics of choice. It’s choice avoidance, in fact.
There’s a bit of me that’s sad that I won’t have a group of friends to support me throughout but being as far away as I am, perhaps I would not have really benefited from the group dynamic as much as I would have been stressed by having to be the organizer once again.
*****
My choice, then, is to simply ask one friend, my oldest friend that I’ve known for many many years though we’re not daily friends, to be there for me as my maid of honor.
She’s -surprise!- expecting. I didn’t know this when I picked her so it slightly changes things in that we couldn’t agree on what was more important.
Me: Uh, no, you and the baby are way more important! You don’t have time for this!
Her: Are you kidding? I need something to do that has nothing to do with the baby! You know I’m going to travel wherever it is no matter what, so don’t even.
Me: Ok ok ok, we’re just going to do combo everything, then.
Our agreement is this: I am asking her, as my first choice, to help me with planning the wedding if she feels up to it, as much as she feels able and to be emotional support. If, at any point, she’s overwhelmed or fatigued, she has absolute free pass to back out, she has only to tell me. She doesn’t have to make a speech if she doesn’t have to, she can wear anything she likes, anything she’s comfortable in. If the wedding is later in the year, she’ll have an infant a few months old so I have no idea how she’ll feel about clothes at that point.
For her part, she’ll help with anything she can, and if I ever feel like she’s either not “doing enough” (her words), or if the above traditionalist pressure causes problems and I have to unask her, she will completely understand and help from the sidelines or backstage. [For the record, no. Not happening. But that she would consider the possibility and offer it up? That’s a friend, right there.]
I think that’s the best compromise I could ask for. And I think I can be at peace with this Groom’s (Groomal? Groomish?) Party.
February 17, 2011
Did you know …
that when you’ve been engaged more than a month and still have nothing planned, people start wondering if you’re still engaged? Or if you’re still planning to get married ever? Evidently the time allotted for us to plan or set a date may soon expire. Patience, padawans.
that no matter how simple the dress, you can still zipper party-foul yourself? *ow. that left a mark* J.Crew, as it turns out, is still not as petite friendly as other stores. 0P is still slips-off-the-shoulder too big, and not in that alluring sexy kind of way some luscious bombshell might be able to pull off, either. Not that I’d want that look for my wedding, but I’m sayin’, I looked a little ridiculous. It was the sub-$200 dress I bought just to try on, but it may be going back soon unless I’m willing to put a bit more money into making it work. The borrowable dress is coming over this weekend with its owner for a try-on.
that it’s way more fun fake-wedding planning than actually wedding planning? We had the best conversation about our favorite foods and the schizophrenic menu it’d create. Then we narrowed it down to the top three favorite foods each: still schizo. After we switched over to “ok, for real now ….. ” *crickets*
that there are some people who just get it? There are a couple really good friends are just incredibly calming to talk to about this stuff when I feel like it.
that there are the people who just don’t get it. There are so many of them. Luckily, PiC and I are getting quite practiced at the *smile&move along* thing.
that there’s a lot to be said for taking your time and getting in a relaxed state of mind before making any major decisions? I’m not there yet, but I’m pretty sure that’s the only way anything’s going to get done. At least I hope things will get done. Though, it’s entirely possible that if we want people to show up at any sort of thing, we should really at least pick a date. Or a year.
~~~~~~~
I was lucky enough to win a Glo package for email wedding invitations a few weeks ago. It is pretty cool considering we were talking about going Evite-style. 😉 The lovely founder, Taryn, invited me to write a guest post so I shared a tidbit here: Reflecting on the first days of wedding planning
January 27, 2011
Q1. Will it be a traditional wedding? (in my head, on my dad’s mind)
A1. I opened negotiations with family on this point, especially the formal engagement, and settled that for the most part this is going to be done my way: practical, simple, budget-friendly. Every dollar in cash, not a penny for debt!
I quite care about my parents’ feelings, which is why I always felt obligated to do this wedding thing the traditional way. This year, though, I had an epiphany: “No.” Why be held hostage to the traditions that require months of preparation, stress, loads of fussing over frills that mean nothing to us solely for the sake of the approbation of masses of distant relatives I’ll never see again?
My dad and I agreed that all of the protests that we expect from 500+ relatives should they be left out is hot air. If we thought for a minute they were sincere or actually cared, I would make an effort to include them but he assured me that it’s nothing more than a cultural expectation and if we navigate carefully he doesn’t have to deal with too many guilt trips.
PiC may weigh in on what he would like to retain but other than that … /snkt snkt!/ Ye shall hear the ruthless snipping and trimming of globs of the cultural Wedding Industrial Complex.
Q2. Do we want a professional photographer?
A2. We’re still on the fence. We don’t even know if we want anything that’s photographable.
Q3. Cake or cupcakes?
A3: Cupcakes are far more fun as long as we can get someone to make them without three inches of icing.
Q4: Location?
A4: If we do any kind of reception, it makes more sense to do it down south rather than ask most of our family and friends to travel up north. Even if we decided to do just a civil ceremony here, PiC would want our families in town for a dinner afterward and I honestly can’t imagine asking my dad to travel with my mom in her condition. He’s harassed enough as it is with his daily responsibilities. I just can’t fathom adding travel to the mix.
Conclusions? None. Except that I’m so annoyingly detached about most of the details that PiC is starting to get after me about actually having an opinion.
Oh! Yes, there IS something. I’ve ordered a sub (barely) $200 dress to try on from J.Crew, and then at a dinner with friends the other weekend, I was offered the loan of her dress which is really close to my size. Score! It’s way fancier than anything I would have picked for myself but I’m absolutely willing to consider just borrowing a dress. I think that’d be pretty cool.
Would you consider borrowing an article of clothing for what’s purported to be the most important day of your life?
January 9, 2011
In the earliest of days, our thinking ran something like this..
Q1. So when do you want to do this thing?
A1. Uh, I can do whenever. X says we can only have two witnesses at City Hall, though. [Addendum: True in San Francisco County.]
Q2. So what’s our budget? [as submitted by my dear WellHeeled, of course]
A2. You’re the one with the most event planning experience, you know what venues cost and headcounts and …stuff. I want to help but ….
me: *snerk* You’re just gonna show up, aren’t you?
Q3: Do you want to be a spring bride? A summer bride? Fall? Winter [future SIL]
A3: *blank stare*
Q4: Are we going to combine our finances? [me, of course]
A4: What?
Yeah, let’s sit down and talk about this one.
Applicable to the area we’re considering
Fact 1: Public Marriage License – $90
Confidential Marriage License -$85
Difference: you don’t have to have witnesses for the latter. And save $5! Woot!
Fact 2: A blood test and health certificate are not required to obtain a marriage license.
Fact 3: You may complete your marriage application online.
Fact 4: After you obtain a marriage license, you have 90 days to get married by someone qualified to perform marriage ceremonies.
Fact 5: If you don’t provide your own witness, you can rent one for $18. #nolie.
Fact 6: Civil Ceremonies cost $25.
Fact 7: You can get the person of your choice deputized to perform marriage ceremonies for a day if you pay $75 and if they show up at 11 am on Thursday, by appointment only, to be sworn in. #truestory
Summary:
This is kind of amusing. And I am having the hardest time becoming emotionally invested in anything but a very few items: guests, budget. This is ok.
The list of things I should probably make decisions about, even in the simplest of weddings, is longer than my arm, but I don’t find myself caring about them: what to wear, the hair (maybe I should more than just comb it, PiC says ponytail is fine), the scheduling (other than to consider the effect on indoors/outdoors venue options). I’ll decide those things that float to the top as most important soon enough.
July 6, 2010
In the last two weeks, I’ve attended two weddings. One was a surprise invite from a new friend I’d bonded with over rheumatoid arthritis, unemployment, job-hunting and other mutual concerns; the other was a surprise as well but from a very dear friend.
The second friend insisted that out of town guests not give gifts, and provided a really cool “registry” where those guests who didn’t have their own ideas could donate towards a few things that the happy couple would like to own. I love everything they picked and loved the idea of donating toward the really cool stuff.
The first friend, well, I’m a little bit stymied. I think that it’s probably appropriate to give more of a token gift because I’m not a very close friend and we were a last minute invite. I know this because we had discussed her wedding in casual chats several times, namely how she was keeping it very small and budget – there’s no way we’re good enough friends that we were A-list guests. No harm in knowing that in my opinion, we’re both pragmatic people and I’m in no way offended.
My question is: am I wrong? PiC immediately assumed we were giving $100. I’m of the mindset that a token gift card of $50 would be fine. Is that a cheap consideration? Should the depth of the relationship be part of the equation in determining a gift?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other wedding related posts:
Weddings
Weddings: how far would you go, how much would you spend?
Wedding Registries: A time to judge?
May 21, 2010
Speaking of weddings ….
The furthest distance I’ve ever traveled for a wedding was Miami. [2348 miles]
The furthest distance I’ve been invited to go is Greece (no go, sadly). [6900 miles]
Before age 25, the furthest I’d ever gone was Atlanta, and that was also the furthest I’d been invited to travel. [2190 miles]
The lowest cost (to me) destination wedding attended: Nashville [$350]
The highest cost (to me) destination wedding attended: Miami [$500]
The lowest cost (for them) wedding attended: Los Angeles [under $100]
The highest cost (for them) wedding attended: tie between Miami and Napa [both were six-figure weddings]
May 14, 2010
This gorgeous, thick, almost plush orange envelope landed in my mailbox yesterday. It was addressed to “Revanche and Guest” – you know what that means!
Wedding bells are ringing in honor of my dear old friend. He was my one of my favorite freshman year teachers and we’ve kept in touch lo these many years – through college, through the dissolution of his marriage, through some incredibly tough job hunting and soul searching years. And he’s found the woman who, without even meeting her, it’s plain she so matches his personality that reading her writing is like reading his. They’re not the same, but it’s close enough to make no never mind.
I’m delighted for him. He’s a warm and loving soul; a troubled marriage, divorce, ex-wife’s hasty remarriage to the strangest match ever (oh yes, we knew the guy) and the loss of his beloved pets who were children to him didn’t tarnish his quest for beauty (Whitmannish, Emersonian, Byronlike) and love.
My hope is that sometime after the wedding, I’ll get to know his wife and we’ll get along, and we’ll continue meeting up at odd times in our lives and be friends until the end of time.
In the meantime, it’s a scramble to make sure that I’ve travel funds for another trip back down south to witness their nuptials and wish them well. As luck would have it, they’ve scheduled it for the holiday weekend in July so with that Monday off as buffer/recovery time I’m considering driving instead of flying. It’s more cost-effective when you have more than one person in the car. Tallying for two: driving would probably cost less than $200 for the weekend, compared to 2 plane tickets at $180ish each. And if any other friends want to hitch a ride down to LA for the weekend, that’d defray the cost further.
Between this unexpected news and the flight back home for a graduation I neglected to budget for, I’ve emptied the well of travel money, travel credits, and travel anything else! But I wouldn’t dream of missing it and can’t wait to see him again.
