About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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April 26, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 36: WordPress is threatening to take away Classic editor in the app “soon” and that makes me mad. I don’t have time or brain to waste on figuring out the stinkin’ block editor so this may mean a forced pause in my blogging for a while. I almost entirely update on my phone in stolen moments here and there.
*****
I have been so tired that I:
- Set down my aligner case where it belongs and then spent the next ten minutes searching for it.
- Tried to place an order online without ever entering my credit card information.
- Tried to turn on the baby monitor six times and forgot what I was doing every time.
- Watched PiC make Sera get up for a last outing, then completely forgot that happened and went to take her out again half an hour later.
- Kept forgetting to close Twitter to open my Kindle or Kobo apps to read a book. I got stuck on scrolling because I couldn’t remember what else I was going to do.
*****
Is there a greater gift than a partner who doesn’t need to be told what to do next? I’m not that partner right now, PiC is. I was planning to cook dinner with my zero energy and less than half a brain. He decided we were getting take out, asked if I had a preference, placed the order and picked it up. We’re totally imperfect people but we also always try to do our best for each other and it shows. He’s the best.
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April 20, 2021
My cohort is rapidly rounding the bases to the Big 40. One dear friend expressed his feelings about that rather succinctly: “gross!” which made me laugh but also made me think.
I haven’t pinned down how I feel about it, but it made me think about what would mark this past decade as a success for me personally. It’s getting a little late in the day to do something about it if I’m not aligned with my values, but it could set me up for a great decade in my 40s. I take a look back before I look forward.
My late teens and 20s were almost entirely about survival.
I graduated from college (21), started this blog (23) while working full time at my first job out of college, paid off my parents’ debts, dated PiC for a long time with lots of life ups and downs, got engaged (28, long after I was “supposed” to be married – 25 according to family expectations), squeaked our marriage in under the wire to land that in this decade, and buried my mom who had been chronically ill.
That period was about laying a strong foundation.
My early 30s were building on that foundation.
I took a huge career risk several years ago and so far it has been worth it. We decided to try for a child and had JB before I became considered a “geriatric” mother. We set up our estate plan and trust, I accepted some incredibly hard truths about my family, and then went through the necessary steps of cutting off my dad. I’m so grateful for the friends and chosen family who have loved us in his place. My health had just been the worst for years and last year’s dietary changes brought improvements I never thought were possible. It’s not a cure and doesn’t fix everything but it helped. I started therapy last year and that wrought serious improvements to the fatigue I was struggling with, and helped me survive the first several months of the pandemic PLUS a pregnancy.
I’ve got a couple more years left in my 30s. What do I want to wring out of those years?
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April 19, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 29: Is it just me or does every Monday feel like three days crammed into one? I know this isn’t the first time I’ve had this thought. I wonder what we can change to make it less triple threat terrible. I already do some work over the weekend so that my workload is lighter, and I try to cook at least one meal or have something to defrost so we’re just reheating leftovers. PiC’s Mondays tend to be meeting heavy which doesn’t help but it also can’t BE helped. We’ve shifted to needing take out during the week as much as we do on the weekends but we’re trying not to blow the budget out of the water by doing takeout more than twice a week.
*****
We’re out of Tylenol again. Only I can go through multiple Costco sized bottles of Tylenol in a year.
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My list of health issues are multiplied because of fatigue: neck pain, a severe sore throat, lower back pain. Thankfully, with PiC taking some overnights (which he’s always been willing to do but I needed some specific changes to our routines to feel ok with it), some of those are starting to feel less intensely bad. They all still hurt but not quite as much as last Friday.
Year 2, Day 30: WOW. Smol really worked me over last night. I don’t think they got as much as two hours of sleep strung together and then I wasn’t able to hand them off until 11 am. I needed a solid 2.5 hours of separation before I felt anything like human again, or able to face other humans.
*****
JB is really looking forward to their upcoming dentist appointment and I am grateful they’re so bribeable with goodies from the dentist.
Year 2, Day 31: It was PiC’s turn with the baby last night and on five or six hours of sleep I feel like 84% a new person. Even if I had to stumble out and pump right away (which I still hate), my severe sore throat is improving and so is my neck pain. Sleep is the magic elixir!
*****
Pondering on the method of scrambling eggs. I like the creaminess of the eggs scrambled in a pan that’s only warm to start but I hate how much they stick to a non stick pan after and it feels like I lose some egg to the sticking. The eggs scrambled in a hot pan with the heat turned off after I’ve added the eggs leaves a cleaner surface I don’t have to scrub and the final dish is still good. We like our eggs to still be “wet”. Do you have a favorite way to make eggs? Have you see the olive oil fried eggs?
*****
As I work on getting Smol down for a nap, and see they’ve dropped their pacifier again because they don’t really want it, I remember how JB would crawl around the little infants laying on the playmats in daycare and insert pacifiers into bawling mouths. They never used a pacifier themselves but they knew the wee babies liked them. It was cute.
*****
JB surprised us with ham and cheese sandwiches for dinner. PiC got turkey and cheese. He quietly commented that since they made it, he couldn’t make any adjustments to the sandwich like he’d do without hesitation if I’d made it. Hah!
*****
It’s amazing how much my outlook on life shifts when I get a night of sleep and end the day only really tired and in minor pain, as opposed to rock bottom fatigued and hurting all over. It goes from Monday which feels like a week in a day, to Tuesday which feels like death, to today feeling like just a long and tiring day. I am about to fall over by 730 but that’s still an improvement over the past two days. I need more sleep.
Year 2, Day 32: PiC and I had to navigate almost conflicting meetings while juggling Smol today and that was not fun. Luckily JB was online for school and didn’t need anything from us because as it was, Smol was one variable too many on top of two sets of meetings and no available adult. Add to that my utter inability to get them down for a morning nap and I just wanted to cry.
PiC finally wrangled them into a nap 90 freaking minutes after I tried. This child. So stubborn.
*****
We’ve been alternating Smol duty two nights at a time since last weekend. I’m thinking as we get better at this, maybe we can start alternating every night so no one of us gets too rundown after two nights in a row. It can be pretty demoralizing (as witness my entries here!) to be that tired if they’re two not good sleep nights in a row. Right now, they’re all bad night sleeps and I need two days to recover from two nights on.
*****
Coming back to work feels like running ahead of an avalanche. I can hardly keep ahead of a massive amount of work. Things got messy in my absence. I’m working through it but it’s hard to feel like I’ve got anything in hand when I’m struggling so much on every front: home, work, relationships. Still, regular paychecks and not fighting with EDD over payments is a thing I’ve looked forward to. It also makes me yearn for the security of FI. We are simply nowhere near that, particularly with the healthcare question being utterly unpredictable right now.
Year 2, Day 33: I finally set up a data backup task and have been running the initial backing up of our critical files. It’s taking a loooooong time. I have something like 50,000 files and it slows down my computer a great deal while it’s running so I run it when I’m between work time blocks. I hope running it overnight will finish that last half.
*****
Smol has refused to nap properly all day and that always tanks the day because one of us always has to be on. JB can take a shift now and again, loves to in fact, but we wouldn’t rely on them to actually take care of all of Smol’s needs.
*****
Would you believe I was working on 2017 tax amendments and utterly forgot to put the CA amended return in the mail by tax day? I’m kicking myself so hard. I hope they’ll still take it even if it’s postmarked a couple days late but I also discovered that my tax person gave me out of date advice on preparing that return amendment. Sigh.
*****
I still have so much work left undone but I’m going to bed early tonight and getting what rest I can. Last night with Smol was a disaster for me and I need the recovery time.
*****
I’m starting to think that even the compromise with Home Chef isn’t helping us enough. I need every minute I can get to create some mental buffer for the inevitable rough days. Getting recipes and food shipped to us saves some time in having to come up with new recipes but there’s still mental load in picking the meals every week, and actually preparing the food. We got a rare DoorDash delivery this week because I was scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of energy and brainpower and I couldn’t believe what a relief it was to click a few buttons and have it show up on our doorstep. Thank goodness for a gift certificate from a friend!
I’m thinking that we need to shift over to delivery a couple times a week while we go through this particularly hard period. It’s going to double our spending on the prepared foods front which I don’t like at all but with so few other viable avenues for relief, I might have to just suck it up and deal. We might try Shef.com too but they’re definitely not a savings either.
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I tried to get PiC a vaccine appointment, expecting to see none available, but we spotted one set of appointments in the wild. We’ll keep checking semi-regularly.
:: Are there any ways you’re creating some breathing space for yourself that you can share? Have you snagged a vaccine appointment?
April 13, 2021
I’ve been thinking on this a lot for the past couple of months. Nicole and Maggie’s question prompted me to get on it!
We know we’re not traveling this summer. So many reasons:
- As of last week, there is an expectation that the state will mostly open up on June 15th, but…we’re not on any vaccination lists yet. Kaiser will tell us when they have enough vaccines, for now it’s nowhere in sight.
- Smol Acrobat is just an infant in the first rounds of their own regular vaccinations so we’re not risking their exposure to anything right now either.
- There aren’t any vaccines for JB’s age yet either.
- We have family who are vaccine hesitant for a variety of reasons that include complex medical histories and the mess that the CDC has made of messaging. I hope that they will change their minds as this year unfolds but I know it won’t be before summer. So we cannot rely on herd immunity.
Besides all that, my soul is NOT ready to plunge into the frantic make-up socializing that is on the horizon as people get vaccinated and burst out onto a social scene like the freaking Kool-Aid man through a wall. (See: the people who aren’t getting vaccinated and we won’t know who they are.)
We’re staying home and staying remote, then! I used Spring Break as our test case for the summer.
JB is pretty good at keeping themselves occupied but we have to work so we wanted to have some plans for their social interaction that doesn’t depend on me or PiC. (more…)
April 12, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 22: The good thing about today was PiC was free of any meetings and I was able to give him the morning to work kid-free.
The bad thing was it felt like three days had elapsed by the time I collapsed in bed at 9 pm. It can’t be the same day, can it??
JB had three lessons. Smol Acrobat had two disastrously short naps and one almost not terrible nap by 4 pm. I covered the kids until 12:30 pm. Half the time I was entertaining Smol, the other half was overseeing JB who likes really hands on playtime with Smol. Smol Acrobat is highly amused / tolerant of JB manhandling them from one activity to the next and genuinely enjoys being plopped like a sack of potatoes next to their older sibling. This freed my hands so I could pack a box of hand me downs to share with a friend.
Then traded off with PiC so I could buckle down to work furiously for a few hours.
Year 2, Day 23: A thing I’ve been practicing is being ok with good enough. Good enough parenting, partnering, working, etc. It doesn’t come naturally or easily, hence practice. Today was a challenging day in that respect. We got two better than terrible nights of sleep with Smol, and then it went to hell again. So of course my body has no reserves of energy left and of course my mind takes me to task for being not good enough.
I wonder what kind of parent I’ll be on the other side of this pandemic. Will I ever get my patience back? Will I ever find my school age child fun and entertaining again? Will I ever enjoy anything again???
I do everything and anything for them but completely fall short on emotionally connecting. I plan and schedule and pay for all kinds of educational and interesting activities for them. We care for Smol day in and day out. I’m pumping milk twice a day and nursing 3 times a night. Everyone gets fed and clean and has clean clothes. Everyone but me gets some kind of outdoor time most days a week. Sera gets walked or outside time 3-4 times a day. But I can’t, just can’t, muster an iota of enthusiasm for being playful or patience for their foibles. I don’t want to be hugged. I don’t want to be talked at. I just want to be left alone. And lacking that last bit feels like falling down on the job. That’s the part they’ll remember. Not the practical stuff. You don’t notice that you always went to bed on a full stomach, had clean clothes, bathed daily if you’re being well provided for. You notice the lack of it. Like you’d notice how your mom is an angry zombie instead of the smiling hugging person they were before the pandemic. Wouldn’t you?
I hope this is all because it’s all too damn much and when we have some help again, I’ll be more of a human. I miss having the good emotions and not just the gritting my teeth to make it through one more day, one day at a time. (more…)
April 6, 2021
On Money
Income
Our primary income comes from our full time jobs. We have minimal income from investing in index funds and dividend stocks (all reinvested). We earn money on the side to supplement our main incomes. We get a bit of income from Swagbucks and cash back sites (Rakuten, Mr.Rebates). Some posts have affiliate links that pay a micro-commission to keep the blog running and I’ve added a way to support the blog in the sidebar to the right!
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
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Dividend income. We received $285 in dividends. Our YTD monthly average is $105.
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April 5, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 15: I’m torn. I adore babies in the first year. Also babies in the first year are absolutely hell on the nerves and the sleep. So torn.
Last night was predictably brutal. Capped by a big surprise poosplosion (sorry) before dawn. Thanks, kid. I had to do a load of laundry after handscrubbing the pajamas to make sure the stain didn’t set.
I’m grateful that I planned ahead and did some work on the weekend, today needed up being mostly childcare because it was a meeting heavy day for PiC. In my limited time, I managed to get through 2.25 parts of 3 time sensitive tasks, cared for Smol for 6 hours, moderately assisted JB with their art activity, scheduled some classes for JB, edited a post, and did a bit of banking. I’m BEAT.
PiC emerged from his work den to make dinner while I went into mine to tackle another hour of work during Smol’s late afternoon nap. We’ve really struggled to get even one good nap a day so today qualifies as a good nap day. They slept 1.5 hours in the morning and 2 more hours in the evening. JB did a surprisingly good job of keeping themselves busy while PiC and I were unavailable.
I can’t help but wonder what life would be like in this moment of the pandemic without the added complications of infant life. It seems like we catapulted from having a pretty attention needy four year old to a reasonably self sufficient six year old. Yes, the pandemic hasn’t been THAT long and yet the transformation is unsettling. Would we be feeling a bit smug and capable of doing what needs to be done instead of tired all the time and harried? I don’t regret anything, except my loss of sleep, I just wonder.
This is Day 4 of my neck pain and it seems like it might be getting better? The muscles are still very tight and tense but the pain is lower than it’s been for the past 3 days. Crossing my fingers.
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