About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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February 23, 2021
The Big 6
Well this is unsettling. It shouldn’t be, it’s not like we didn’t have plenty of warning that we were working our way up to age six. But the transition from age five to six, especially through a pandemic, has been really really really strange. “Suddenly” it seems like JB went from my slightly post-baby child to the start of a Big Kid. There’s no trace of the baby face anymore. It’s especially jarring when I look at the actual baby and then look at JB.
Heck, some of the familial facial traits are so strongly expressed now, it’s unsettling.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Totally not-fascinating newsflash: diaper brands in the same size vary widely! Looking at Size 1 and 2, the weight ranges are the same but the diapers are very much not the same. We bought Target’s generic up&up brand ourselves, but we were also gifted a few other brands – either gifts or hand me downs from folks who didn’t use up their supply.
If you’re curious, the sizes across brands go, from smallest to largest, as follows: Target, Pampers, Huggies, All Good, Mama Bear.
***
You know what’s really creepy? Smol will be fast asleep and suddenly open their eyes and look at us. Unblinking. Silently. For a few minutes. Then they close their eyes and sleep again. I don’t know what that’s about!
Pupdate
Sera seems oblivious to the lack of Seamus around here. It’s odd. She was so attached to him but maybe it was only for physical warmth? She definitely displays seeking behaviors towards the humans these days, she is concerned whenever PiC and JB are out of the house, but she hasn’t looked for Seamus at all. I’m not sure why that is but I guess that’s not totally abnormal.
Precious Moments
My biggest failure as a parent to date isn’t the fact that JB still routinely mixes us up, or that they keep referring to me as “your mom” to Smol Acrobat, or a myriad of other oddities. It’s that they casually asked: “When Sera dies, can we buy another house to live in? We’ve been here for years and I’m bored.” Knife to the money-wise heart, I tell ya. Though a friend pointed out that they have been trapped in this house in ways that we never anticipated.
*****
JB: Do I have to have a baby?
Me: Nope you never have to have babies if you don’t want them.
JB: Ok. Let’s have another! BOOP, you will have another next year!
Me: -_____-
*****
JB: Do I have to like this? (Gesturing at dinner)
Me: Nope. But you do have to eat it.
*****
JB: do you know why rattlesnakes are so polite?
Me: They’re… polite?
JB: Yeah! Before they sting you on your arm or your face, they hiss a warning at you with their tail! With their rattle! They’re the coolest snakes on earth.
Me: ….. Not ..really…no…
*****
JB very loudly to Smol Acrobat: hello my adorableness! Hello my snugglebunny! That’s MY snugglebunny, yes you are! Yes you are!
February 22, 2021
Week 49 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 49, Day 338: We got scary news last night. Our cancer battling friend lost consciousness and had to be hospitalized. This morning, tests showed that their cancer has returned. This is too much. I really really really don’t want to lose another loved one.
***
Not sure what set it off but my pain flared so high today that I literally hurt from head to toe. Thankfully PiC didn’t have meetings so he was able to field the kids all day so I could rest. The rest helped enough so I could just do the bare minimum: eating, bathing, pumping milk.
***
JB closed the night with a long cry. We could hear them talking to Seamus about how much they miss him. We stayed with them for a while, commiserating.
Week 49, Day 339: I’d like to make a big photo book to commemorate our life with Seamus. We happened across MILK books several years ago. I had a Groupon for one of their classic books that I had to use by the time Doggle passed so I dedicated that to him. The end product was gorgeous even though we didn’t have great quality / resolution pictures to work with back then. It’ll be on the pricier side so I need to wait for another sale. I like that they let you prepay for a book to take advantage of a sale but I can’t accurately estimate how many pages I’ll need.
I have started organizing photos into a folder so I can design the book, then order it when their next sale comes up. There are A LOT of photos.
***
I get this sad empty feeling every time I see old blogs gone fallow. Or when I think of friendships gone quiet.
***
For the first time in months, only one of my hands was completely swollen when I woke up. Is this finally getting better?? (Since giving birth, they’ve both been wsoll
***
This is the first day that Smol Acrobat laughed at belly raspberries!! Up until now, they’ve only been startled and confused by them. I feel rewarded for my persistence.
Week 49, Day 340: I made chicken gyros for dinner and they were delicious! The dill-buttermilk sour cream really pulled the flavors together.
***
I had my Invisalign buttons applied? fixed? something today and it feels weird but not as weird as braces or a nightguard. I know it’s going to be sore soon but for now, I’m glad that it’s not quite so bad.
***
I played a game with Smol Acrobat and they seemed to grasp it enough to play along. I know they didn’t really, but it seemed like it and it was fun in the moment.
Week 49, Day 341: Last night’s sleep was non-existent and after a busy day yesterday, I desperately needed the rest I didn’t get. I managed to stay functional long enough for PiC to take some meetings and then crashed and burned for a few hours. This level of sleep deprivation has me really down in the dumps. I know it’ll pass but these moments are so hard.
***
Small habits: Two weeks ago, I asked JB to pay attention to capping their toothpaste and putting their toothbrush in the same place every time because I was tired of knocking the brush into the sink. It’s taken a reminder every single day but they finally did it twice in a row without a prompt! The habit may be starting to form!
***
I’m really anxious for our initial tax calculations to see what we owe after selling the rental last year. We’re just paying the capital gains on that sale because we never lived in the property. Living in it could have been part of the very long term plan only if we held it for 20+ years, it was never going to work out to live in it in the first 15 years of owning it. So we’re taking it on the chin instead of rolling it over with a 1031 exchange or living in it. I set aside a large portion of the sale money to cover the tax bill last year and we withheld 120% of our 2019 tax bill. Now all I can do is hope that I covered our bases sufficiently to have some cash left over. That’s my version of a tax refund this time around.
Week 49, Day 342: I just found out that two people I know, one of them a health care professional and the other one with a scientific background, neither of them with any reason to be suspicious of the medical establishment as some minorities do, declined the vaccine. Their relative has tried to talk to them about it, to no avail. I’m rather appalled, honestly.
Yes, I’m being judgy. I’m not speaking to them about it because it’s not like I would change their minds, but arrrghhhhh get the vaccine!
***
Answering the question of what I would do if I didn’t have to work for money, the parenting-leave version: Manage our investments, take care of the kids, read as many books as I can get my hands on, walk the dog, eat/cook/eat/cook/plan meals, yearn for sleep, manage our taxes, throw myself into charitable projects, therapy, attempt to exercise a little bit each day. I wonder what the not-infant version would look like.
:: How have you been this week? Have you started preparing your taxes and do you have any idea what they will look like?
February 16, 2021
You have to prioritize
Just remembering back to Halloween. I was getting really grumpy because I had stolen bits of time here and there to set up a surprise Zoom Halloween playdate with treats and decoration for JB but I definitely didn’t have time to get them a new costume.
The week of, I overheard them telling their teacher that they “still don’t have their costume yet”. UGH. “They are REALLY going to be miffed about this,” I thought. Their auntie agreed. As a child, she would have been cranky that she didn’t get a new costume. I found myself getting wound up anticipating their reaction to the news of no costume, and my reaction to their reaction, and it was all bad all the way down.
But talking to their auntie about my grumpiness made me take a step back mentally and realize that there was actually a lesson here.
They could and should learn that we have to pick and choose where we put our energy. So as they were eating up a snack they’d brought me (but I thought was wayyy too sugary), I shared a SECRET: I only had time to EITHER get them a costume or plan a secret party for them and her two friends. And I decided that they would probably rather have a party than a new costume. Their eyes going wide, they immediately agreed that a party is more fun than a new costume and that they would just wear an old costume.
A few minutes later: “Mom, in fact, you didn’t even NEED to buy me a costume! I have PLENTY of clothes and costumes that I can pick from that people gave me so you don’t need to buy anything more!” (more…)
February 15, 2021
Week 48 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 48, Day 331: I’m struck by a peculiar manifestation of (Asian mom?) parental guilt that tells me that I’ve had almost a year with JB at home and my inability to have spent this time teaching them everything about money, science, math, history, music, crafting and a slew of other things is a failure. I especially feel the failure to impart sufficient money philosophy and knowledge keenly. Perspective, I do not have it.
For one thing, hello pandemic. Also hello being pregnant much of that time. And then having an actual baby. Also hello working FT as well. Where exactly was this magical pocket of time with which I would have schooled them?
For another, they are just at the very start of school age. All the academics aren’t necessary right this very minute.
And yet I feel the sting of “why haven’t you taught them how to play piano yet?” and “why haven’t you taught them how to do origami yet?” and “why haven’t you taught them the scientific method yet?” as if all I’ve had since March 2020 was time on my hands. I can’t help feeling some comparison to my mom who managed to teach me how to read and write in another language at a very basic level while we were growing up even though she was working 12-15 hour days by a certain point. My memory is a little hazy though so perhaps the time she taught us and the time she started working such long hours didn’t actually overlap like I thought?
(more…)
February 9, 2021
On Money
Income
Our primary income comes from our full time jobs. We have minimal income from investing in index funds and dividend stocks (all reinvested). We earn money on the side to supplement our main incomes. We get a tiny bit of income from Swagbucks and cash back sites (Rakuten, Mr.Rebates). Some posts have affiliate links that pay a micro-commission to keep the blog running and I’ve added a way to support the blog in the sidebar to the right!
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
***
Dividend income. We received $175 in dividends from my stock portfolio.
Disability income. Dealing with EDD this time around has been 29 kinds of headache. They left a message asking questions about my claim, didn’t give me a way to respond, won’t pick up the phone when I call, and denied my claims. I went three rounds with my HMO’s records office, had a call with my doctor, and got the documentation needed but I’m still trying to get it fixed. Cross your fingers for me?
(more…)
February 8, 2021
Week 47 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 47, Day 326: Sometimes I forget that it’s been 326 days since I could see the human elements of my family out the door to their work and school respectively, then settle down to work with just my dogs. I miss that. My introvert soul is struggling with that lack of a break.
***
My Twitter folks and blog readers are the best. Those who are able shared the Giving Project, and those who are able contributed. Having this work has been a balm for my grieving soul, having some additional resources helps. I appreciate y’all deeply.
Week 47, Day 327: I don’t know if this is due to stress, lack of sleep, or PPD which I’ve been fighting but I haven’t been able to feel full for days. Weeks, even, possibly. I eat full relatively balanced meals but feel physically hollow afterward. It’s like I hadn’t eaten anything. It’s exasperating and I don’t even bother trying to eat enough to feel full anymore because it seems pointless. No matter how much I eat, I don’t feel any satiety so I’ve been walking around feeling hungry for ages. It’s gotten so that I am both hungry AND lack appetite at the same time. It’s weird and I don’t know what’s going on.
***
I spent hours working on more fulfilment for our Lakota Families. My grieving process demands that I do things. Helping people distracts and helps my feeling of loss.
(more…)
February 2, 2021
Week 46 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 46, Day 319: TFW it’s 2 am, you’re thinking it is about dang time to wrap up because you’re already on your second post bedtime wakeup cycle with the baby (need to change a diaper while they wail rigorously to express a deep despair and grief, nursing for 20-30 minutes plus another five after you lay them down and they holler with such insistence that they weren’t done yet mom I’m still starving and they reattach only to hang out casually like it’s the mall), and you look down to see eyes that are wide open. No thank you please.
I am not enjoying this particular overnight stretch.
***
My cell phone battery life is absurd. It was 95% when I started typing. It’s now 68%. And I type pretty fast.
***
Seamus’s health took a sharp downward turn.
Week 46, Day 320: One of the saddest days and worst nights of my life.
JB was unconsolable this first night without their big brother Seamus and I wasn’t in better shape. We hugged and cried and cried and cried.
They thought they understood what “dead” meant, and they wanted to be there for the appointment to say farewell so we thought they were at least getting the idea of what was happening. I had explained it earlier and they’d had time to be upset at home. They seemed almost upbeat at the appointment, asking the vet which injection was “the dying shot”.
But they couldn’t understand why he wasn’t coming back home with us. They didn’t understand why he didn’t close his eyes. They wanted to know how he was going to be cared for overnight. I’ll tell you what, that last one destroyed me for another hour.
Week 46, Day 321: I just about remember how to exist. We still have to do all the usual things. Schoolwork, fighting with Comcast, figuring out why my leave claim at EDD is stalled out. It rained almost all day, so Sera just had quick trips outside for the bare necessities because she hates walking in the rain.
We finally had a break in the early evening so the whole troupe went for a walk and the pain of our being all together without Seamus was palpable. I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time, muscle memory telling me to walk slowly and looking down to ensure his feet didn’t slip or his hips didn’t give out or that he wasn’t struck with a sudden unpredictable need to stop. Then I’d look down and he wasn’t there. And my heart would hurt all over again. This is so incredibly hard.
Week 46, Day 322: I miss my Seamus. I will always miss him.
***
I’m incredibly frustrated with EDD right now. They have questions but they didn’t give me any way to respond to them when I missed their unexpected call. Then they just rejected my claim without explanation. Then they refused to answer the phone ever. It was nowhere near this painful getting my disability claim paid with JB, I don’t understand what’s going on but it’s taking several phone calls to our doctor to see if they can help with documentation.
Week 46, Day 323: With the good news about the J&J vaccine, I find myself pondering the state of things.
As parents, we’re deep in the “it’s a phase” stage of life again with an infant, with things changing day to day and week to week. Also sleep deprivation. I haven’t gotten a full night of sleep since the 2nd trimester probably so I’m going on 6 or 8 months of interrupted sleep?
As humans, we’re almost a year into this pandemic. We still have no information about when we adults are going to have access to vaccines, when kids under six are going to have trials for vaccines, when it’ll be moderately safe to travel or how we’ll establish our next new normal. I have to confess to at least some jealousy of our family in other countries that have dealt with this so much more effectively that they have essentially normal lives now. I also have to figure out if I can make any changes to JB’s educational experience this year. Looking into some of the online public school / charter school options, they don’t seem to be well reviewed by employees which suggests to me we’d still be dealing with stressed and disgruntled educators and it may well be going from the frying pan to the fire.
Collectively, at least a dozen friends have lost a loved one to COVID, at least six of us have bid farewell to long beloved dog companions, we’ve lost grandparents after not seeing them the past year, our kids have been socially restricted for so long I wonder if they’ll just be feral by the time they’re back in society again and I’m honestly not sure how badly stress has deteriorated the health of most adults just coping.
:: How are you?