About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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September 13, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 176: I’m feeling so conflicted. Day to day, I feel like we have more than enough to share more generously with people who need a helping hand. Everyone else’s struggles remind me frequently how fortunate we are. But I worked my tail off to get here specifically because I am concerned about the murky future and my ability to work. It’s very important to give but I’m also responsible for keeping our own parachutes in good repair. Even with whatever work I do to improve my health, which I can only do now because I’ve been so aggressive with saving that we can afford some of that crucial healthcare, my baseline immune system is unreliable. I need to be able to step away from work earlier than later. Mortality aside, I don’t have good years in the tank. At best, they’re slightly less crappy than before years. They’re dominated by pain, fatigue, and limited range of motion. I want to have more freedom to use my precious energy only / mostly on what’s actually important to me and my family, which doesn’t include working a job. I feel selfish about taking care of myself financially. I shouldn’t. But I do.
In writing this, I just realized what it is. I feel selfish for taking care of myself first. If you told me that I had to look out for JB’s health future because they had chronic health issues, I would take on the world to make sure it was as secure as possible. If it was Smol or PiC on the line? Same thing. But because it’s me who is the “weak link”, well, I’m reverting to form and saying that I’m not good enough to be a priority.
Look at that, spotting an unhealthy pattern happening right there.
It’s wild that it’s hard for me to say: It’s ok to take care of myself. It’s ok to secure my future. It’s ok to make sure that I have choices even if I wasn’t thinking about making sure I wasn’t a burden on my kids in the future.
*****
We’re so grateful for the holiday weekend. I still had work to do but the reprieve was so much needed. We spent the whole weekend at home doing all the needed chores and trying to rest and reset.
Year 2, Day 177: Related to yesterday’s thoughts: My job isn’t actually a bad one, especially when I remember to put reasonable limits on the madness during times of extra stress, but I am definitely still reacting very negatively to the most minor provocations that at best deserve an eyeroll. I’m so tired of work. I’m also just so tired. This tiredness frequently puts me in the negative spiral mood: thinking that I wish we were further along in our FI journey so I could exercise the choice to not work for a long period of time. Getting mad thinking about all the money I wasted taking care of a lying, selfish grifter father because that much money invested back then would have made SUCH a massive difference in our choices today. I can’t even let myself run those numbers because to have the confirmation in numbers that it would have made it possible for us to have better choices during this terrible time makes me mad enough to spit.
Sadly, I can’t take a leave of absence and come back to this job. The team is too small to do without me and keep my job for me. I’m also very much not interested in any of the compromises I’d have to make for every other job out there, I’ve looked, so keeping this job is the least worst of all the available options that I am aware of. Sigh. Anyway, getting that off my chest periodically helps release that pressure and stop the If Only spiral by reminding myself I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time and now I’m doing the best I can too.
Part of me grumbles that I did a piss poor job back then so why should I take comfort now with the knowledge that maybe I don’t have all the relevant information and maybe I’m just in a perpetual cycle of screwing up but I suspect that’s a new bad spiral.
*****
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September 10, 2021
1. I’m pleased that on a Saturday I: cleaned a counter, did a load of laundry, paid two bills, finally finished off doc review that I’d been avoiding all week, had therapy, planned some cooking and made some headway on searching for hard to find ingredients, donated to a friend’s GoFundMe, and donated to the CRR. This was all very satisfying.
2. I also managed not to completely blow my stack at JB several times for behaving like your average 6 year old with their foibles. It was hard and I’m trying to remind myself that I did my best and parenting has rough waters. Not feeling great about it all the time is part of the gig.
3. It’s really nice to WANT to cook again. The desire in and of itself doesn’t create the time or energy for it but it’s the first step I always need to making it happen. I’ve been hatching a plan to make a huge batch of my special chicken and rice, some for the week, some for the freezer, and some to share with our food-tradesies friends. Sunday morning, I cancelled our other plans because I simply didn’t have the energy for socializing and spent it putting the cooking plan in motion. There’s something so soothing about cooking, when it’s something I want to do.
4. My PIKAOLE package arrived and I’m thrilled to bits at the small pack of cuteness. I refused to even tell JB what came in the envelope because I’m not sharing my quite expensive special stickers and postcards.
Challenges this week: Everything in the outside world is overwhelming. Most things in our personal life is, too. We’ll get through eventually but it’s going to take some doing.
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September 7, 2021
On Money
Income
Our primary income comes from our full time jobs. We have minimal income from investing in index funds and dividend stocks (all reinvested). We earn money on the side to supplement our main incomes. We get a bit of income from Swagbucks and cash back sites (Rakuten, Mr.Rebates). Some posts have affiliate links that pay a micro-commission to keep the blog running and I’ve added a way to support the blog in the sidebar to the right!
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
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Dividend income. We received $887 in dividends from the stocks portfolio. Our YTD monthly average is $295.
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September 6, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 169: Oh Monday. PiC took the 630-930 am shift so I could take JB to school and then try to get some work done. I’m doing my best to stay focused in the time we have when Smol Acrobat is asleep. They had a rough go of it with the first nap, waking up after half an hour and crying inconsolably for an hour. Literally inconsolable, I changed their diaper, changed their sleep sack to a warmer one, offered a bottle, patted them, sang to them, rocked them, nothing. None of it helped. Eventually they physically pushed me away and I had to let them work it out on their own in the crib. I could only watch helplessly on the monitor. Thankfully they were clearly safe and just really tired, and eventually did pass out.
*****
I’m worried for my friends, near and far, affected by horrible COVID-related policies and threatened by wildfires. I miss my friend who is fighting a serious mental health battle and I worry about them. I’m worried for a loved one who seems to be making the same mistakes that have been a pattern all their life. I’m worried about my own sanity – my work has (temporarily) tripled and it’s not like there were enough hours in the day for the original work, which is piled atop my worries for JB’s safety at school and whatever is going to happen with this recall. There’s a lot of emotional turmoil and I’m trying to find moments of less turmoil rather than relief since I’ll just get angrier when I’m not relieved. I just want to stress bake cookies.
The emotion breaks out at odd times. Yesterday, I was stretching and just burst into tears. Smol Acrobat watched me with intent interest for a while and then started to laugh because faces are funny. Which in turn made me laugh a little.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I was stretching today but the emotion surge was less intense.
Insomnia still plagues me intermittently through each night. I can catch a little sleep in naps now and again but I keep waking up and struggling to go back to sleep. Sleeping like a baby, indeed.
Year 2, Day 170: I’m starting to turtle up emotionally. It’s been too much turmoil and worry, too much racism and fascism and sexism.
*****
Smol’s daytime schedule seemed to be shifting to dropping the third nap, which worked out a bit better in giving us longer stretches at night. We were trying to go 3 hours between naps, it worked for a couple of days, then they reverted again to shorter naps during the day and needing three again. Which in turn meant less sleep at night and waking up at 5 am again. That’s truly what the doctor ordered! /sarcasm
PiC speculated that it’s to do with their brain development. They do seem to be trying to achieve another level of mobility which I’m absolutely not ready for.
***** (more…)
September 3, 2021
1. The fragrance of ginger, garlic, and green onions = heaven.
2. I’m so grateful for clean running water. We’re so lucky to have it though as we move towards either perpetual drought or aridification, we may not have it for long.
3. I took Rae and Bethany’s baking advice to make my second batch of biscuits!
Last time the dough was too dry, I had to add extra milk while mixing, and I felt the end result was too dense and tasted strongly of flour.
This time I overcompensated by probably an eighth of a cup of milk. I used 1.25 cups instead of 1 because I had so much flour that couldn’t be incorporated last round. Next time I will start with the 1 cup and add a splash if it’s needed as I mix. This time I grated the frozen butter, which was a lot more work than I expected, and only folded the dough about 5 times instead of the prescribed 10. Oh also I soured up the milk with a tablespoon of vinegar to make it buttermilk.
They were very wet when I was working the dough and I despaired that they wouldn’t work out as I transferred them to the baking pan. But! They were actually quite good! Much less floury tasting, lighter and fluffier. Not yet the layers I wanted but much closer.
4. I loved Xena the Warrior Princess when it was on TV and this thread reminded me I wanted to watch it again. Also Lucy Lawless still seems great as a human. Much better than that limp tool, Kevin Sorbo.
Challenges this week: I’ve only been sleeping in short blocks of an hour or two at a time. Something in my mind or body or both is preventing me from actually getting the rest I desperately need and this will only end in delirium.
The wildfires are raging on and that means our air quality is garbage. We are staying inside as much as possible but we still have to walk the dog and take JB outdoors for their mental and ocular health. The optometrist wants them to have 2 hours of outdoor time a day and that’s not happening but we are trying our best to do as much as we can.
It’s hard balancing the minutiae of everyday life, including a complement of its own horrific stressors like racism, COVID, being affected by the actions of horrible people, being subject to terrible decisions by political leaders, with the concerns almost too vast to comprehend with climate change and what feels like a sweeping wave of right wing Christian extremism taking over our laws, destroying our rights and suppressing votes.
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August 30, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 162: We’re still cautious about in person school but we’re also well aware that unlike our friends across the country, our district has at least some of the most needed mitigation strategies in place: universal mask mandate, they claim to have updated all the ventilation and to have an air purifier in every room (the latter two I want to see with my own eyes before believing it).
Naturally, Republican Californians had to try to make this darkest timeline even worse with the ridiculous recall election. Newsom is not the best governor ever but at least we have mask mandates. Not a single one of the candidates on the ballot inspires anything but disdain or disgust.
*****
I’m on Day 4 of not getting good sleep. At least last night was just interrupted sleep but not as pain-riddled as the previous 3 days. I had finally escalated to the heavy duty pain meds and that helped enough so that when I slept, it was relatively decent. But not nearly enough. I can usually function on moderate sleep deprivation. It gets tougher when it hits high sleep deprivation like it has now. I took a long rest both Saturday and Sunday but clearly I need another rest today.
It makes me wonder if I should try caffeine but that’s not going to give me more energy. It’ll just stave off sleepiness, which isn’t the issue, so that doesn’t help anything. Right? That’s how caffeine works?
*****
Because just doing my own work at twice the speed anyone else would isn’t enough, I had staffers out today so I had to cover for them. I made a couple executive decisions: I’d take care of most of their stuff, within reason, most of my stuff, and bump the rest to tomorrow. And I’m taking a short rest today. I’m not going to kill myself for work. I’m not going to use up my last dregs of energy and then be a growling monster at my family because I’m clean out of patience. Priorities.
*****
Meanwhile, in Smolville, Smol Acrobat done lost their little infant sleeping mind. They were showing all the signs of sleepiness, including doing their yelling at me that they do when it’s naptime. I comply and go through the whole routine. Do they sleep? They do not. They holler for 55 minutes. We tried three times to resettle them, finally feeding them some more formula, before they finally passed out. I do not know what broke there but it was a whole lot of mess.
Year 2, Day 163: Boy, I thought the past few days were rough. They were. But then last night was the worst. I caught two hours of sleep, then was stuck awake for the next five because of painsomnia and anxiety. I’m guessing the fatigue is why I spent most of the work day (counted only as the time spent in front of the computer, not the time I was minding Smol) in a state of being poised for flight. I just wanted to run away screaming. Pandemic normal, right?
***** (more…)
August 27, 2021
1. We happened past a produce shop we used to frequent a couple years ago, and stopped in. It was such a delight to pick up loads and loads of fresh produce for $22 again. I feel like we just don’t get those prices and that quality, even if the prices aren’t spectacularly low, at the bigger stores. I think we also feel more motivated to eat better and cook more when we get their produce. Though my seasoning for the veggie soup I made was the opposite of inspired. I won’t be making that flavor profile again. PiC wouldn’t admit to disliking it but that’s as close as he’s ever come to showing he didn’t like something I made.
2. I pivoted in the middle of making this lemongrass chicken with bone in thighs, not liking how it was turning out. The rescue recipe used the boneless diced chicken breasts that were intended for another recipe and turned out a lot better than I had expected. Too bad I didn’t have enough lemongrass to make enough to freeze but now I know that I do like it with the diced preparation. I was concerned that it’d be dry, which is why I went with bone in thighs but they required too much cook time for the aromatics. I may play with the recipe some more to make it work with bone-in chicken. Update: actually both recipes were good in the end. I’m glad I tried them both.
3. I made up a big batch of coconut lime chicken for the weekend and will freeze one portion for some later meal. Future me will thank today me for that. I managed to cook enough to cover this whole week of dinners without takeout, supplementing with some frozen foods. I’m proud of myself for making it a whole week and it was really nice to be able to cook even when under extreme pressure at work.
4. I made an experimental batch of biscuits. Everyone else liked them but I want them to be flakier and lighter. I can’t remember what makes biscuits light and fluffy, with those great pull apart layers. Working the dough less? More butter?
Challenges this week: Parenting a six year old feels exponentially harder than parenting a baby.
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