By: Revanche

It’s the small stuff

November 6, 2006

As I shake out my swollen fingers yet again, I have to wonder: what earthly use will I be, if I physically fall apart from doing nothing more than a desk job? If all I’m doing is a lot of administrative and managerial work that’s hardly physically taxing at the beginning of my career and my hands can’t take the abuse of clicking on the mouse all day, what does that mean for my future? I know that BoyDucky could support me through grad school, if I let him, but what’s the point if I am incapable of holding up that diploma with my own hands?

I’m spending all this time worrying about and planning my financial future and my parents’ retirement and security and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to work or function normally ten years from now. It could be argued that no one can KNOW that, but in my case I know that it’s just about a given that I’ll be gradually deteriorating if I simply lived a “normal” life without any sudden truck appearances or suchlike.

And how could I want to have children? I don’t even know if I can fully take care of myself by that time! What kind of mother would I be, who couldn’t even hold her child in her arms, much less provide for all his or her needs? How could I make that choice fully knowing my deficiencies are only going to get worse?

And how fair is it to ask someone to face that bleak prospect with me?

And to support me when I’m basically useless?

2 Responses to “It’s the small stuff”

  1. sabrina says:

    Now, now, Ms. MiniDucky, you sound like you need a hug:

    (((((Ms. MiniDucky)))))

    You’re looking at the dark side of everything today, but there’s a bright side, too:

    You have a BoyDucky who adores you, and a family who loves you, too (not to mention some caring friends); even if you can’t wiggle your fingers, you will always have that sparkling wit and good humor that you are famous for! You’ll have a lot to contribute to a family: warmth, tenderness, experience, moral direction, and maybe even some wisdom–even if you can’t change a diaper or peel a carrot. You’ll figure out a way to get help with whatever you can’t do on your own. Have you contacted any support groups for people who live with your condition? Often, they have a lot of practical advice.

    With all the medical advances we see daily, I’m sure that, in 10 years, there will be effective drugs and therapies that will make life a lot easier for you.

    Anyway, the opposable thumb is highly overrated! I haven’t used mine in years!

    Hang in there!

    (((((((MORE HUGS!))))))))

  2. *sigh* Thanks, Sabrina.
    I was feeling rather dark and dreary, it happens occasionally. I know I ought to buck up and not let it get me down.

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