A follow-up to the Horrifying Question
July 26, 2010
I was going to answer all the comments on this post, but my response is long enough to be a post of its own.
I’m not jumping into any fires. I might have moved in but I haven’t completely lost my mind. We’re not sharing money at this point, but we’re sharing some expenses and combining our money philosophies to create something we can both be happy with.
Most importantly – you wouldn’t realize this because you don’t know him so it’s only fair to point it out – he wouldn’t ask me to take on any more, and especially not his mortgage in truth.
He was joking about that and I understood that. I only parsed out what I could shoulder to illustrate how he needs to be prepared if he were to quit his job. And he may well be, but he wouldn’t foolishly up and walk out either.
CaitlinO pointed out that if I’m not splitting all the bills down the middle, he’s subsidizing my lifestyle/savings/family responsibilities. True. And I’m not thrilled with that but the truth is, what I bring to the table is a lot of financial knowledge and a willingness to dig in to any financial situation and improve it. He points out time and again that what I bring to the table is every bit as valuable as the mortgage he pays because I’ll take care of our long term financial health.
I love that my blog friends are so smart, y’all see some part of the truth of what I was sharing:
Frugal Zeitgeist is absolutely right: “the best thing you could possibly do for both of you is be his work cheerleader and number one fan while working together to figure out a backup plan that doesn’t involve bankrupting you. With your good sense as a guide, it sounds like between the two of you, you’ll find a way.”
That’s exactly what I was doing. Using myself as an example, I was sharing with him the economic breakdown of what we’d need to be able to do in a dire situation.
SingleMa understood exactly the spirit of my comment: “It wasn’t a commitment I chose to take on but our relationship is and this is part of the game.”
That made me smile. š I hope everything works out with your SO’s situation.
Thank you, SingleMa, for seeing the spirit of my post.Ā
Sense made me laugh: also, does he have an e-fund of his own to fall back on? that might make the situation easier to handle, knowing that you’re combining your Forces. You know, ‘Power of The E-Funds Unite!’ and you could get shiny rings and place them together whenever you needed to draw on your new improved dual powers. š
I love this. We totally need Power Fund Rings. He doesn’t have what I consider a good e-fund for his obligations but this situation has enlightened him more to the need. Slowly but surely, I’m turning a spender into less of a spender?
Crystal pointed out the very thing I don’t want to face, what could happen if I didn’t share with him my accountanty brain: Life works out most of the time, but I hope PiC doesn’t quit until he finds something better. Toxic sucks, but so will the fights that start when you start feeling used…or at least, that’s what happened to us.
Funny About Money: If he’s that unhappy with the job, I hope he’s looking elsewhere. It’s a lot easier to get a job when you’ve got a job.
If he’s not at risk of being fired, it might be good for him to consider what my tax lawyer once said when I wanted nothing more than to get away from the Great Desert University: “A sh*tty job is better than no job.”
Not at risk, no, but there’s absolutely every reason for him to find a better place before he becomes so unhappy there IS a risk.Ā
I know this wasn’t a decision you made lightly. He’s being as generous as you would expect from a life partner, and you have plenty to bring to the table, even if you’re not splitting things 50/50. Here’s to converting the saver into a spender, and to a better, healthier job sitch for him.
Am I missing a link to the original post because I have no idea what you’re referring to and navigating is too tedious on the iPhone.
I think this is harder for women. I mean, if it was reversed, you would take on his role in a second, right? You wouldn’t anguish over it, it would be no big deal. You’d be glad to do it.
Partnerships don’t require in-kind payment. You don’t need to change him or whatever. Just take his help, even if you have nothing to return. That’s what love is about, and it is beautiful.
I’m glad I misinterpreted your last post…this situation is way better. š
I’m sure your budgeting brain and his spendy self can come together to form an awesome balance.
E-funds and interviews will be the next on his list I hope. š
LOL! Glad that last post was more on the order of a scary nightmare than a real-life problem.
It’s a good idea to think these issues through before they happen. You’re making a good living, much of which can go into savings as long as you’re with him. Maybe it would make sense to set some of you present income aside as a mutual emergency fund. You have your own emergency fund, of course…but maybe it would help to regard some of it as money that you’d use if he lost his job.
Then you’d feel you were contributing to the common financial good, even if your money isn’t being used right this minute. I’d keep it sole & separate, though. š
I like the idea that contributions don’t have to be in kind to be of similar value. That somehow brings to mind the idea of inter-dependence, a concept that is considered quite advanced thinking in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Well done, you.