By: Revanche

Inheriting the petty gene and saving tons of money

July 1, 2010


I’m not the wedding type, I’ve said that time and again. But I’m spitting mad and am willing to have a wedding just so that I can leave out almost a whole branch of my family.

Let’s talk petty, shall we?

Speaking with my dad, I find that not only have my mom’s siblings carried on in their tradition of being utterly selfish (no great surprise), they’ve zero empathy for the fact that she literally has no control over being kind of out of her gourd a lot of the time and as a result, they’ve pushed her out of their lives. Fine, that’s their choice. BUT they’re also choosing to pick and peck at her from afar. They sneer at her behind her back, and to all the other siblings, for not being successful, healthy, or wealthy. And it’s no longer even just the sibs, their mom has joined in the act.  That’s the final straw.

While she doesn’t remember two days after it’s happened, I won’t tolerate that kind of behavior and it’ll be a cold day in Zimbabwe before they’re welcome in my home. 

Would you believe that they invited her over to “visit” only to ignore her the whole time, and her own mother walked away from her rather than respond to attempts at conversation?  Really?? She’s ill.  Her entire “childhood” was about raising those ingrates.  She gets married which should be a bit of a pass but then spent more than fifteen years of her married life scrimping so she could send money to  them, spending untold amounts of time and money to support their move to the U.S. After all that, this is how they treat her?

Oh we’re done.  I’m divorcing that side of the family. 

And y’know what? If PiC insists he really wants a wedding? Fine. No problem. Starting with Grandma and all the way down the line of aunts and uncles who participate in the shenanigans, and their kids who aren’t old enough to be independently considered, we can consider my guest list thoroughly revamped. I’ll keep about ten members of the clan, the rest of them can go fly a kite.

Just think how much money I can “save” by being just as petty as those I’m condemning!  😉

**Please don’t think I’ve entirely lost my mind. I’m not seriously doing up a shindig just to spite them. But if PiC insists on a wedding, they are NOT invited.**

20 Responses to “Inheriting the petty gene and saving tons of money”

  1. Ruth says:

    Having seen one grandfather go through senile dementia, I understand those who cut someone out of their lives when they’re in that state. It’s painful to watch and it can be exhausting. I know it was especially hard on his kids, who all stuck with him to the last.

    BUT I think you’re right in being angry about how they’re treating her. Cutting a mentally ill person out of your life is one thing, but treating them with disrespect and being mean to/about them is another. I’d be furious if someone did this to my mother.

  2. Anonymous says:


  3. DD says:

    I’ve had to create some boundaries with my family as well and its been a healthy balance for me since doing so. Every now and again, family drama reels its ugly head, but I’m getting a lot better at dealing with it. You will too. You love your mother very much and it shows.

  4. Serendipity says:

    People really are crude, I’m learning that especially this week. Your doing the right thing and its for the best. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life.

  5. 444 says:

    I want to make sure I understand the family structure. This is the siblings of your mother (who is the oldest or near-oldest of a bunch?) who are acting this way, and their mother? Meaning your mother’s mother, your grandmother?

    It’s too bad they can’t move beyond pettiness. Do you remember the annuity issue last winter? My brother-in-law visited here in January and said, “We don’t even qualify for financial aid for college anymore” and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, I’m sorry to say. Mean words and pettiness can be very destructive, divisive tools.”

  6. L.A. Daze says:

    Wow, just reading about this makes my blood boil. What is wrong with people? How can they treat their own sister/daughter like this?

    Yes, cut them off. People like that deserve a kick in the behind.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Your family is not the only family without compassion. I have read that some families have an unwritten rule–don’t come home unless you are successful.

    You are a good daughter. I feel your pain. Remember, what goes around, comes around.

  8. Karen says:

    Wow, what horrible behavior. I’d be tempted to send them a reminder of all that she’s done for them and tell them to shove it.

  9. Kate says:

    It’s a truism, but “you can choose your friends, but not your family” holds good here. No reason at all for you to pander to these people if this is how they behave. Being around them will cause nothing but vexation and stress, and neither you nor your mum need that.

  10. Jersey Mom says:

    I’m sorry that your mother’s family have to behave this way. It’s very sad. You have the right to invite or not invite whomever you want to your wedding…

  11. This must be unbelievably disappointing and stressful for you. You have my sympathies.
    And yeah, you have the right to invite whomever you want to your wedding, and choose the family members with whom you will associate the rest of the time.
    One small suggestion: Let them know WHY you are doing this. Write a carefully worded letter explaining that their coldness and heartlessness toward a family member who did so much for them has made you so sick and so sad that you have decided you cannot be around such behavior.
    Make sure everyone gets the same letter. Oh, and send copies to family members you DO wish to consider hanging out with, so they don’t get some twisted reasons from the rest.
    Again, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. And I, too, believe that what goes around comes around — just not fast enough, sometimes.

  12. {sigh}

    Well, not to make excuses for whatever rude behavior and thoughtlessness they’re indulging just now, but…

    It’s agonizing for some people to see a person they’ve known all their lives deteriorate. First it’s hard to watch, and second, let’s be frank: it reminds us all of our own mortality. And our own fragility. Because the byword isn’t “there but for the grace of God go I” but “one day soon, that could be me.”

    It’s terrifying. People avert their eyes.

    When my mother lay dying, her closest friend, a woman who had been her dearest friend for 25 years told me that she and her husband were not coming to see her again, because, said the friend, “That’s not Julie.” Never mind that my father needed this couple’s support. And never mind that “that” most decidedly was Julie.

    Your father has got to be stressed and exhausted. He may overreact to what others say — or don’t say. Try not to be too harsh. And remember: what goes around comes around.

  13. *hugs* I know exactly how you feel. I’m not quite fond of my extended relatives either. I’ve already said if I’m tying the knot, I wouldn’t even tell them about it.

  14. Airam says:

    Ugh, there’s (at least) one in every family.

  15. My mom gets the same kind of ribbing from her family, so she has just “divorced” from them as well.

    I seem to get along with everybody including my paranoid mother…but I don’t take crap at all. If they (my grandparents or my mom’s siblings) say or email anything bullying to me or mine (mine includes my husband, my parents, and my sisters), I call them on it. I act astounded that they could be so immature. Then we just move on.

    I actually wonder if my mom really is going to be able to ignore her whole family for long…they have never gotten along and I thought they should stop talking years ago but I was always blown off as a child. I personally will never waste my time on people that tick me off.

  16. BTW, your mom’s siblings are unforgiveable. I’d totally cut them out of my life too!

  17. […] love them. I love them more than I like the people I have the misfortune of being related to. For most of my life, I’ve done rescue and rehab in my own small way but I’m hugely […]

  18. […] waged warfare, her family, those who had treated her so sneeringly, and far worse, at the end. She never did see her mother one last time, before she passed, though […]

  19. […] 1: Mom’s family. Immediately after her death, knowing that their behavior to her had been despicable, and was going to be public knowledge now that she was gone, they desperately wanted to look good. […]

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