By: Revanche

An absolutely shattering loss

September 2, 2014

I’m still hardly about to talk about it, still leaning on PiC and some close friends very heavily to explain why I’ve been so quiet except for some heartbroken sobs on Twitter, but it feels wrong to continue on not saying anything at all.

I can’t memorialize him yet, I can barely accept that this is true, much less find the words to properly eulogize him that won’t further destroy me in the doing.

When I lost Mom, I almost viciously forced myself to say she was gone. It was both scourge and self flagellation to force myself to say those words I knew to be true and desperately needed not to be; a soul-scouring attempt to face the truth and absolve myself of my failings in taking care of her. It didn’t work but it kept the guilt and the grief somewhat at bay for months.

This is … in some ways, this is almost worse. In the suddenness, in the senselessness, in the overwhelming rawness of prostrating grief, I can’t bring myself to cope as I once did. Because he was our responsibility and I cannot absolve myself of the failure to protect him.

“People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

We didn’t tame him, we just gave him a new life with us, somewhat pampered though he hardly seemed to notice, and he was coming into his own in these few short years as my wonderfully loving, opinionated and constant “coworker”, my therapy dog, we called him.

PiC was his favorite person in the entire world, you couldn’t match his dance of joy upon being reunited with his papa even after just a few minutes’ absence, and together we were a family. There wasn’t a person, dog lover or not, who didn’t fall for his charmingly quiet, happy personality; many became convinced they wanted a dog “just like him”, after a single visit.

He was our cat-dog, we joked, he being thoroughly exasperated by the hugs I always wanted to give him, and mostly keeping his distance lest I pet him too much. But he clearly loved us. He had a funny way of insisting on family time, staying by our side no matter how late it was, no matter how annoyed he was that it was another late work night; he kept us both in view at all times as if simply by being in the middle, he ensured we stayed “together”.

He’s licked me on purpose exactly once, as an apology for terribly scraping up my foot; he’s inspected PiC’s awful injuries and given them a healing lick but no more than necessary.

As clumsy as the classic bull in the china shop, and yet the most gentle, non reactive companion to any infant or toddler whether he knew them or not, we always knew he’d make the best big brother.

And now our beloved Doggle is gone. We have no reasons and we have no explanations. The heart of our little family is gone and we don’t know how to bear it.

52 Responses to “An absolutely shattering loss”

  1. Kris says:

    Oh, Revanche. I’m so sorry to hear it. Much love coming to you from the East Coast, friend. (((HUGS)))

  2. Alicia says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Our animals become so ingrained in our family units that I don`t know how I will manage when they pass. Take comfort in the fact that he was so happy living with you two and that he had a wonderful life in your home. I will hug my cats a little closer tonight.

  3. GigiwJD says:

    So, so sorry to hear this. Don’t have the right words, but *hugs*

  4. Cloud says:

    I’m so, so sorry to hear this. Hugs.
    Cloud recently posted…A Seriously Good WeekendMy Profile

  5. kit says:

    Oh hon, I wish I could give you the biggest of hugs and let you leave a snotty trail over nice work clothes. Doggle was loved. Doggle knew he was loved. Is there a better life than Doggle had, even if it was too short?

    • Revanche says:

      Thank you. (I suppose if we came right down to it, he would have felt more loved if we’d shared our “kibble” like he wanted us to….)

  6. *hugs* I had no idea. I’m shocked and sad to hear. I’m sorry for your loss and I wasn’t around to comfort you sooner. *hugs*

  7. Luke says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Doggle will be at the rainbow bridge. Maybe he’ll get along with Rupert, who’s there waiting for me. If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.

    • Revanche says:

      Thank you. (Doggle was friends with everyone: dogs, cats, rodents… I bet he and Rupert will pass the time together.)

  8. MoneyMateKate says:

    Oh no, not Doggle! I’ve only recently discovered the joys and comforts of living with a sweet little dog, and my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry 🙁

  9. NZ Muse says:

    I …. just can’t imagine. I teared up when I heard. My heart is heavy for you all.
    NZ Muse recently posted…Things I WON’T do to save money on travelMy Profile

  10. debt debs says:

    I am so sorry. I know your pain. Can you tell us what happened? When you’re ready. My heartfelt sympathy.

  11. Linda says:

    My condolences. I know how hard it is to lose a pet suddenly and seemingly senselessly. You will always miss him, even when your pain softens. I hope you find some peace soon.
    Linda recently posted…Moving thoughtsMy Profile

  12. Jenn says:

    My heart breaks for you, so sorry to hear this!

  13. Katie says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I’m an infrequent commenter, but frequent reader, and I’ve really appreciated getting to “know” Doggle through your writing. It was obvious that he was very loved and had the best life with you and PiC. Sending much support and love to you.

  14. Sarah g says:

    This is so awful. *more hugs*

  15. Savvy says:

    I’m so sorry. Sending hugs from Wisconsin.
    Savvy recently posted…Travel the World in Books Readathon KickoffMy Profile

  16. Sabrina (you-know-who) says:

    So sorry to hear this. I know how you loved him. Better yet, Doggle knew how you loved him! Take comfort in the fact that you gave him a comfortable, safe home, where he spent the best years of his life, and the food, medical care, love, and companionship that he needed. So sorry that he left you — too soon!

  17. Revanche… I am absolutely heartbroken for you. I’m sending you all the virtual support I can imagine; it’s filled with hugs and a shoulder to cry on. Keep leaning on those who love you. xo
    Cait Flanders recently posted…September 2014 Budget & GoalsMy Profile

  18. Clara says:

    This is terrible news. So sorry to read of this.

    So, so sorry.

  19. Sense says:

    Oh, oh, oh. My dear, I’m so very sorry. I am tearing up along with you like so many who commented above, too. That is so sad. It is even worse when it is unexpected. He sounded like the perfect family member for you and PiC.

    Big hugs to you and the rest of Doggle’s family.

  20. Disco Diva says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain and emptiness you are feeling and just know that it will pass and so many good memories and loving times will fill that area. Doggle was cherished and loved. My deepest condolences.
    Disco Diva recently posted…A dream deferred…My Profile

  21. What a shocker! I’m so, so sorry to hear it. Love and hugs…
    Funny about Money recently posted…Damp!My Profile

  22. Sally says:

    I’m so sorry. Dogs brings us unreasonable amounts of joy. I know he was a source of comfort and absolutely a huge part of the family. I hope some day another big dog can be a part of the family.

  23. Michelle says:

    I don’t know how I missed this. I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine. I love my dogs and I can’t even imagine the day when they are gone.
    Michelle recently posted…Retirement, Financial Independence, and Living LifeMy Profile

  24. Erika says:

    I am so sorry! 🙁 I know how much Doggle meant to you guys…
    I know the time will come for every dog, and it’s so painful to see. I can’t imagine how you feel, being a fellow dog lover myself – I know a dog is truly human’s best friend. You did so much for Doggle and I’m sure he appreciated everything and loved you both so much.

    Cheers to Doggle, watching us from doggie heaven.

  25. […] from eemusings, I thought I’d try focusing on some things to be grateful for to break up the wallowing in this or the coping with all that comes with […]

  26. Michael Martin says:

    I have been absent for a while now and I am really regretting that. I am sorry if I am re-opening wounds, but I have to say, I am so so sorry for PiC’s and your’s loss. I just can’t imagine what you are going through. Many hugs and I will keep you both in my thoughts.

  27. […] Hands down, losing our beloved boy. […]

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