Have I lost my fire?
October 29, 2014
A strange thought struck me as I poked around the internet instead of keeping on top of the work I intended to get done tonight: Have I lost my ambition?
The most enjoyable parts of my day are more and more domestic: watching the dog sleep. Having dinner prepped well in advance so I can bunk around online, recreationally or working. It’s not totally unthinkable, I’ve always enjoyed housework just as much as I do working professionally.
Granted, some part of this is because there be a critter parasitically using what energy I do have, to spare me the trouble one presumes, but for the first time in my medium-length career, I don’t have any lofty job related ambitions except to be comfortable in my role and to make good money while I rock it. I’m not the fire-eater of half a decade ago, tearing a path through the ranks and taking no prisoners (except for the inevitable scheming backstabbing bastards, I’ve got your names and someday karma will kick your asses).
Occasionally, and this is more frequent when there’s a thousand conversations about side hustles everywhere on twitter and in the PF blogosphere, I’m motivated to think about getting off my moderately well paid duff and doing something more than just the usual investing and saving. After all, if I intend to be a multimillionaire before I’m either 40 or broken, whichever comes sooner, there isn’t that much time to be wasted!
But this year feels less like a growing and conquering year than any other. Maybe I have lost my fire. Perhaps this is the fallow season in preparation for the next push.
Or maybe I’m just riding out a wave of boredom that will crest in new ideas and new projects. I could use an interesting new project around here.
***
After some reflection I realized what this really is.
I’m harboring some resentment over a financial agreement that was reneged upon at work as a direct result of Little Bean.
I won’t get into the nitty gritty at the moment but to summarize: the principle of having had an agreement, and then being penalized specifically because of the time I’ll need to take off for LB makes me reconsider my commitment to a workplace that I otherwise love. It reminds me of all the times I’ve had to fight tooth and claw to be paid what I’m worth, and all the times I’ve had to compromise or put up with horrible people and harassment for the sake of the work experience and paving the way to a better next step.
Up until the addendum, I would have said that it sounded like two things– that your priorities have changed and that you trust your situation more than you used to. As important as work is, other things are important, too– moving work down the priority list can be better for you and your life overall. And I think that you trust your husband to be on the team with you in a way that I think you couldn’t trust your family– it’s not all on you to keep things together. Being able to feel like that’s a shared responsibility with a trustworthy person instead of all on you alone is a big deal, too.
And maybe those are still contributors to what you’re feeling, even if the work negativity is the bigger reason? I don’t know. I guess I’d like to think so because those seem like happier reasons to me.
Honestly, until I wrote it, I felt similarly. And I think it’s true that they remain factors, even if the work problem brings the negative feelings more to the forefront.
I agree with Elaine, that is what my instinct first told me when reading this as well: you might be “nesting” in preparation for LB. How awful that you have to fight for fairness in a job that normally brings you joy. I only can contribute to the hope that karma pays extra attention to those who made this a struggle.
On a happier note, your financial savviness is an inspiration to us all, and has definitely kicked my bum in gear to think more long-term. Thank you for your impact. <3
You’re so nice about even wishing retribution 🙂
And that’s really kind of you to say – I’m glad that you’re able to take something useful from all this!
*patpatpat*
Stupid patriarchy.
*NODS*
That’s bollocks.
That is all.
100%.
That sucks. People suck.
I hope everything works out as well as it can.
Thanks. This really does remind me people suck.
That sucks about the deal that fell through and because of LB. 🙁 As far as everything else, I wouldn’t worry. It’s nice to feel content and I think that fire comes in waves to all of us. Sometimes out of necessity, and sometimes just because.
Yeah, considering LB had nothing to do with the agreement, it was even more aggravating. It’s interesting that I’m ok with feeling some contentment with our lifestyle but unsettled when I feel the same about the career!
“…I’ve always enjoyed housework just as much as I do working professionally.” I can relate to this somewhat, too. While I HATE dusting, I love typical “nesting-type” things like cooking good meals, vacuuming, growing food, and cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. Work gets in the way of these fulfilling activities, quite often. *sigh*
As for the work thing, all I can do is add my voice to others and say that sucks.
Great minds! 🙂
You haven’t lost your fire. It’s your nature to be goal oriented, determined, and competitive. It’s ingrained. It’s who you are. However, those personality traits are also applied in other areas of your life and there’s more to you than climbing the corporate ladder.
You are also an individual with interests, a wife, (soon to be) mother, and friend. You’re entering a completely new (and exciting!) phase of life, so your priorities may be shifting. I’ve been there, and boy does it feel strange. But it’s ok. Until you decide what’s next…turn on the cruise control, enjoy the ride, and go with the flow.
You sure do know me 🙂 I forget that those traits are still going strong in other new and different areas. Just because I don’t recognize it doesn’t mean they’re not there!
Oh, and that internal fire is ALWAYS simmering. Throughout life, we learn to raise the heat for different things as our priorities and circumstances change
– such as; taking ALL the maternity leave you need to be the best mommy for LB, then after you return to work, revisiting and renegotiating that work agreement IF your commitment and loyalty to your employer remain the same.
Otherwise, a flame that continues on full blast 24/7/365 for everything at once will eventually burn out. But knowing you, you’ll find a match in a haystack and reignite that MF! LOL!
“revisiting and renegotiating that work agreement IF your commitment and loyalty to your employer remain the same”
They seem to forget that they can’t just want me to come back, they have to make me want to come back too and reneging on an agreement touching on my money? WRONG.
I do have a thing for lighting (life) matches 😉
[…] something to do with our income or expenses, or am reminded that I have to keep holding a job I currently resent for whatever reason, I go back to the drawing board to see how we’re doing with income […]
“Lost your fire”? Are you kidding? That’s not likely to happen…it’s in your genes.
However, something else is in your genes: pregnancy. Two things are really weird about pregnancy and the months afterward:
One is the odd change in your thinking about the world around you. This seems to surface about halfway through pregitude. Every now and again you have a little revelation like the one you’re describing, and you think WTF am I doing????? It can affect your thinking and outlook temporarily or it can even change the way you do business permanently. Just don’t make any sudden moves while under the influence of this particular set of hormones.
The other, which is weird but sort of evolutionarily logical, is for about 18 months after the baby is born you become a great deal more cautious about your own safety and well-being. After my son was born, I found myself simply unable to do things — like jump off the side of a sailing yacht into 100-foot-deep water — that I wouldn’t have thought twice about before. Mercifully, that passes.
My theory is that both of these strange phenomena are evolutionarily driven hormone changes…they amount to survival strategies. Bearing children and raising the little beasties does require some behavioral changes, if you and they are to survive.
We’ll see how this evolves but as long as I don’t quit in a huff, whatever else I do should be ok .. I think … !
But the risk aversion is already in full force – and PiC’s definitely got it! Here’s hoping it doesn’t get worse.
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