When sleep deserts you
September 10, 2018
Sometimes insomnia pricks me badly and I’m not able to sleep even after reading two or three books. I used to be really good at sleep hygiene but the combination of being tired and too tired to sleep overrides the usual tactics.
So I lay awake browsing, trying to find that last bit of something to read that will let my brain relax and say ok, sleepiness! Come in!
All the time hoping and hoping that it won’t take three, four, or five hours. A preschooler, two jobs, and two dogs have no mercy for a mom who failed at sleeping again. Who fails at sleeping?? Who wakes up with new injuries from sleeping?? Not only me, I can tell you that much.
This night I took to writing. This post, and the beginnings of ideas for some freelance work. I shake out my brain for more freelance ideas. I check on sleeping JB and give zir a quick cuddle. Pet the dogs, scratch PiC’s back gently. Finally admit that the uncertainty at our jobs that’s been gnawing away at us is getting to me. I’m worrying about pennies again. I’m worrying about bringing in some extra dollars against the lean days, worrying about wanting to grow our family when we can scarcely afford all the priorities on our plates, worrying about if we could even choose to do that if we let ourselves want it. I’m repressing even the knowledge of what I really want, again, because of money, again, and that’s telling my body it’s the bad ole times, again.
My body responds, predictably. It tightens up. It doesn’t let me sleep. It says ok, stay awake, plan your way out of this mess!
But we’re not in a mess. We have some question marks and we don’t know how big or small they truly are. We have a sense that they aren’t small. But are they medium? Large? Extra large?
I remind myself: all those bad things that happened in the past, all the terribly stressful unhappy put-up-with-abusive-and-harasser-boss-because-you-NEED-this-job days? Yes. They were awful and I don’t want to do that again but they also led to a remarkable period in our lives of comfort and family and grace.
Can I find it in me to grow past the old worries and insomnia and shut the door on worry? Knowing now that while I worked damn hard to steer the ship, making the most of every puff of wind, even the gales taking me to the unknown didn’t ultimately mean disaster. It was just another way to the life I didn’t know I could love. This too can result in changes, which are hard, that could become good in the end.
My quiet anxieties are whispering “yet”. They’re whispering about how far Mom made it out of poverty, or at least it seemed that way, and how she dropped right back into it. And about how I’m very much still in the middle of my story so I can’t yet say I have true perspective.
Maybe that’s true. But maybe it’s also true that I’d do a better job of steering our family whatever may come if I had a good night of sleep!
I resolved to remove fear from our investments and cash management. That was a good first step. My remaining fears revolve around finding myself battered down by the events of my life without basic necessities, the way Mom felt. This is going to take time to unravel and let go of.
But my truest and best first step was this: I have a true partner at my side. We are not my parents, doomed to repeating his folly and her misfortune. If nothing else, the truth of Dad’s nature is a comfort in these moments. According to his elder sister, Dad hasn’t changed in 60 years. PiC, however, has truly changed from the natural spender to a conscientious spender during the time of our relationship despite making quite good money. He wanted to change, he committed to change for our family. I didn’t marry a man like my father. He won’t be the cause of my wrack and ruin.
We’ll find a way to be ok, together. If nothing else, I have faith in us.
I’m sorry to hear about your insomnia problem. I’ve been dealing with it a little bit too. I’m anxious about my mom’s health and there isn’t a good solution. Anyway, try to relax and get a good night rest. You have a good man. Best wishes.
It’s true, there’s not a good solution for aging parents :/
I’m sorry to hear about your insomnia. I woke at 4:30 this morning and my brain refused to allow me more sleep. I’m an over thinker and I have trouble shutting out the what-ifs. It sounds like that might be an issue for you too. I do try listening to white noise, the sound of rain on the rooftop, etc. those sounds do seem to help.
OFG recently posted…Telling a Story
Thank you – that’s absolutely a difficulty for me too!
I’m sorry you’re experiencing insomnia. You are right in knowing that no matter what, your story will have the uplifting element of your relationship with PiC. Even a reader like me can see that you’ve got something remarkable together. I hope you allow whatever needs to surface and be processed to surface and be processed. As for where I find my calm, I find it in faith – in the trust that all things work together for good – even the things that cause suffering. And when all I see is ugly, I trust that it’s being woven into a larger tapestry and actually helping to make it beautiful. I hope it will be so for you.
Prudence Debtfree recently posted…My Old Post Is Published: A Timely Reminder
Thank you for these lovely thoughts – I do have trouble keeping the faith but it is so important to do so in the rougher times.
I suffer from terrible insomnia and, in fact, take medication for it. I’m trying to wean myself from it and I found this dream lotion that has been helping me. My daughter likes it, too. Perhaps you’d find it helpful. Here’s the link (not sponsored or affiliate): https://organicawellness.com
Thanks, Kandice.
Gosh, sorry to read about your insomnia. It’s good that you took to pen and paper/ or computer to type out your thoughts. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
Thanks, GYM, it’s a bit much sometimes but writing always helps.
Sorry about the insomnia. At some point I find there’s nothing to be done about the problem itself and that distraction helps. What helps me get the ants out of my brain late at night is cutting carbs/stimulants and generating a running-fueled dopamine and serotonin rush coupled with extreme physical exhaustion. Even if it is late, I try to do an ab routine or at least some burpees to get the energy out. Clearly that won’t work for everyone. My fiance paints and sews as his fix.
Most of the time there’s not much that can be done in the dead of night about the problem, I wish my brain would accept that and shut down for the night.
I am now tackling the carb reduction to see if that will help!
I’m sorry about the insomnia. This is a beautifully written post, although the underlying anxieties are not something I’d wish on anyone. Keep having the faith – you and PIC have this, and can navigate your way through any challenges.
Thank you!