Careers, marriage, family, life: parity in 2018
November 19, 2018
Last summer, I talked about how we made it work around here and I think it’s worth revisiting a year, and a lot more stressors, later.
We’ve been settled into the new home for a year now – thank everything for being done with the massive renovations. We’ve been ignoring all the other projects around the house that need doing for a while just to recoup our savings and sanity.
We still manage with just the two of us: working, parenting, maintaining a semblance of a personal life. I continue to blog, albeit a bit less with my job problems, and added a monthly massage to help alleviate my pain. He has picked up a hobby again and we try to ensure he gets out at least once a weekend for exercise, during which time JB and I spend quality time together. Mostly we spend that time cleaning and puttering around the house but once in a while we can have a friend visit. We are adding some visits of our own to PiC’s friends we don’t see nearly often enough.
Childcare
Daycare: JuggerBaby is in daycare five days a week, now enrolled in their preschool program (for all 3 year olds and up). We’ve been on the waitlist for the local preschool since 2015 but no dice so daycare and $$$ bills it is. They’re in a new facility now, still open from 6:30 to 6:30 which is still really important for us and spoils us. I know we’re going to face an uphill battle once ze is enrolled in public school – apparently the school system still works on the assumption that at least one parent will be home and ready to accommodate all sorts of weird scheduling.
Last year, we added one chauffeur day to my schedule but PiC needed some more him-time so I now have two designated drop off days.
Babysitting: We tend to avoid babysitting because at $25/hour, it REALLY has to be worth it but we’ve been terrible about hiring the sitter for anything. Maybe we should have tried for our anniversary? It’s felt desperately needed and yet we don’t really have any space for it to happen.
Parenting
This is distinctly different from childcare which is not a replacement for parenting. Childcare is a critical supplement to our lives and I’m thrilled there are so many people who love JB outside of zir own little family but it’s our job to raise our child.
I’m still the main disciplinarian in some senses, but we both have a lot of fun with zir, and we both enforce the rules. We both remain responsible for being patient, disciplinarians, and educators and take it turn and turn about when we’re exhausted or impatient.
Careers
We were really lucky in the 3 years prior to last August’s update. This year, we’ve seen a lot of turmoil and we’re feeling the impact. His work has had multiple reorgs and layoffs and one immediately felt result is that his flexibility is a lot less than it has been for years.
My flexibility is still good but there are troubles at my work that make my income feel precarious and the quality of life has diminished because the amount of work I have to get done in the same amount of time drastically increased. I think this is fixable but we’re still at least two months away from seeing that corrected, if not more.
Our ground rules
Are the same as before, generally!
Around the house
Mornings: PiC is now the dogwalker while I’m the child-chivvier. I get everyone fed and them out the door as close to on time as possible. PiC does all the weekend cooking, I do the weekday cooking.
We have fewer morning swaps but they can still happen last minute – he might ask to trade a chauffeur day even after I’m ready to go, which is fine. I would have had to get dressed anyway to walk the dogs later in the day.
We’re now walking the dogs four times a day and I’m thinking that’s a bit excessive now that Sera has settled into life here but we haven’t figured out a good way to adjust back down to three times a day.
My non driving days still include cooking dinner and doing laundry in addition to my regular 9-to-5 work. PiC prepares half the breakfasts and all the lunches, and does all the morning walks with the dogs (those used to be mine). On my chauffeur days, I do our grocery shopping or hit the Costco gas line.
Ideally, PiC should hit the gym on my driving days but sometimes he just gets more work done. That’s his call but once in a while I will press him to make sure to get that workout in – it’s better for our mental health.
Dog walking, feeding, medicating, twice a day, five days a week: me.
Morning, evening and weekend walks: him.
Wash (mostly him) and put away dishes (mostly me).
Swiffers: half/half.
Vacuuming: mostly him.
Trash, recycling: daily him, weekly taking the cans out me, washing the cans every few weeks also me.
Money mgmt: all me.
Clearing the table: JB / us.
Car maintenance: all him.
Putting away groceries: All of us.
JB is responsible for giving Seamus and Sera their evening carrots and bully sticks, picking up trash, putting laundry in the wash, putting laundry in the dryer, helping clear the dishwasher, some minor food prep, and wiping up spills.
PiC still runs lots of the physical errands (getting gas, bathing the dog, stopping at the store, etc) on the weekends now but I am able to do some during the week as well (primarily groceries and gas). The house is still almost-tidy with JB helping out. PiC does a deep clean on most Saturdays that makes him happy and I keep JB busy and out of his way for it.
We continue to operate on the good faith that neither of us are looking to dump work on the other and we are communicating a tiny bit better in terms of shifting daily responsibilities around at need.
The friends and family plan
Outside of our family life, I work hard at maintaining friendships and like-family-ships. I choose to eliminate toxic people from our lives intentionally, and likewise intentionally dedicate time and support to good people.
When things are temporarily out of whack for us at home, with work or each other, or JuggerBaby is taxing our patience to the very limit, this outside support keeps us upright. This keeps us from boiling over at each other and causing real, permanent harm, and gives us much needed perspective.
The lessons we’ve learned in getting here
Are the same ….
- Learn to speak up when we need to change part of the routine, whether we want to introduce change or not.
- Have conversations in the moment, not confrontations after you built a head of steam.
- Prioritize! You WANT to get fifty seven things done. You NEED to get ten of them done today.
- Look for ways to relieve your partner’s burdens and volunteer. Your partner should do the same.
Being proactive means that you can have faith that no one is dumping work on the other and that you’re both doing your best. Or trust, rather, since I don’t believe in operating on blind faith. Your partner is who your partner is – can you trust them to be your best advocate? I can. PiC always looks out for my best interests and I do my best for him. With that trust, resentment can’t get a toehold.
I’d stay with the daycare. 6:30 to 6:30 is pretty good. Kid can go to public school when kindergarten starts. Take care and try to relax a bit. Some years are better than others. We’re having a tough year over here too. Best wishes.
Yeah we don’t have a choice anyway but if we did, it’d be pretty hard to choose!
For babysitting, would deliberately cultivating a friendship with one (or more) of JB’s friend’s families work? We swap babysitting with friends more often than I could afford to pay a sitter, and our kids all love it. It’s pretty easy to just let the kids play in the backyard together or watch a movie with pizza.
We’ve been working on it but so far, we’re not doing a great job of it! Or rather, we made friends with one of JB’s friends’ parents and now we LIKE hanging out so we have family get togethers instead of trading babysitting. Oops.
Lol, oh no! It halfway worked!
Is cleaning your garbage cans required in our area? We have can rental included in our monthly disposal charge, and I just request new cans (for free) when ours get too stinky – a friend requested them once a quarter and got them without complaint.
That’s a good question! We don’t own our cans but we don’t rent them either. The trash company owns them I think, and I don’t know if they would swap them out but maybe? Worth asking!
Daycare is SUCH a better deal than the public school schedule. I’m trying not to think about it too much yet haha.
The daycare schedule works almost perfectly with our work schedules. Public school is going to hurt! XP
DAy care from 6:30 to 6:30 seems pretty good, that’ll give you more free time, but obviously costs more money.
Our oldest is now in kindergarten and that gives my wife a bit more time with our youngest. She’ll go to preschool in Sept next year and once both kids are in school, that should allow my wife to spend more time on her side businesses.
A LOT more money. But if we had a choice it would be tough on our work lives too so it’s a trade off, as is anything.
Hey that daycare schedule is pretty good, having it available for 12 hours during the week gives more a bit more flexibility to get some time for yourself and not worry about waiting for daycare to open later in the morning or close earlier in the afternoon.
I noticed after I got married that the friends I’ve hung out before getting married has dwindled down to just a handful of them. Seems natural since it’s a combo of factors like more responsibilities(family of their own, work, etc..) and figured that some of them provide a negative affect(aka put down others and has a pessimistic outlook). The older we get, the more we notice which friends provide great quality time together.
Yes to these two “Have conversations in the moment, not confrontations after you built a head of steam.” “Look for ways to relieve your partner’s burdens and volunteer. Your partner should do the same.” This is so true and something I continue to strive for!
I tried a few experiments. Hope you don’t mind. You’ll have to dig my original comment out of SPAM. You can ignore the rest of them 😉