Just a little (link) love: cozy trio edition
December 11, 2019
I once thought that saying “I’m proud of you” to adults was being focused on me and what I felt when I should focus on how my friends felt. Then I learned I was wrong.
Huge congratulations to Erin for hitting a huge milestone!
Luxe is living a bit of my dream: 12 days in Tuscany.
Deed theft is on the rise. Why on earth are BASIC identity checks not being conducted when someone is trying to transfer a deed? We had to get our stuff notarized, how is that not a basic thing to do?
I love not having to wear formal business attire anymore but if I did have to, I’d love to look as sleek and chic as Anh does. And I admire Jean’s outfit combinations – I don’t have an eye for these things myself and appreciate the artful arrangements of practical things.
As income gap widens, what happens to charitable giving might surprise you
I’m trying to wrap my head around the cost of college and while I certainly wasn’t private school material, and PiC chose a public school, I wonder if we need to prepare for the possibility that JB might opt for a private school. I needed to lean on Nicole and Maggie for a bit more information on that world of costs.
Cozy trio
“This is how they sleep every night” pic.twitter.com/MngztO5sp8
— Back To Nature (@backt0nature) November 28, 2019
I think your initial feelings about “I’m proud of you” are correct. There are plenty of ways to show that you’re impressed or show appreciation without focusing it on yourself. (You’re amazing, you should be super proud of yourself, etc.) I’m proud of you definitely seems condescending if there’s not already a power imbalance (I can say “I’m proud of you” to students, but I prefer to say, “You deserve to feel very proud of yourself” and then they’re like, “You’re so amazing Dr. X” and I’m like, “No no, it’s all you, YOU did that.” Can you tell I finished grading and handed back some A finals with stickers on them to people who weren’t expecting them?)
California has some truly amazing public schools!
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…What are we getting people for Christmas this year?
Do you think it sounds condescending when there’s no power imbalance? I say it to my kiddo, my dogs :D, and to adult friends whose parents are dead (since that friend pointed out that only their parents used to say it and they don’t hear it anymore and that is an expression of love between us.). I prefer to say “that’s such a great job, you worked so hard” type of compliments to most everyone else.
I really think it is. I think the people on level who appreciate hearing it are people who have lower self-esteems, but saying it just feeds into that lower self-esteem because it perpetuates a power imbalance and the idea that someone else’s value of a person is what is important. (Maybe it was that year I spent in LA where saying it even to your kids was verbotin– I always tell my kids that they should be really proud of their accomplishments. Any other pride things is, “of course we’re proud of you, but we’re your parents, we’re always proud of you.”) For an on level person with dead parents who used to say they were proud, I’d think saying I’m sure [parent] is proud/would be proud (depending on person’s beliefs about the afterlife) is more appropriate. Maybe think about how you’d feel if the person who is an equal responded, “I’m proud of you too” and if that’s ok, maybe it’s ok, or maybe that’s a sign that it’s not ok, I don’t know. There’s just so many ways to praise people that don’t take any credit for their accomplishments.
Oddly, earlier this week we had a visiting professor who told me a story about his senior colleague who when talking to job applicants tells them he’s proud of junior female colleagues’ accomplishments as if he had something to do with them. Which made the visiting professor angry on the women’s behalfs because this senior colleague is not actually at all helpful to anybody. (I don’t know any of the people involved, and the visiting professor said he does not read any personal finance blogs and hadn’t seen penny’s post.)
I think FrugalWoods today had a good example of things to say instead– she was praising the good job of saving someone who had written in for advice had done.
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…Ask the grumpies: Vaccine delayers… do they deserve our contempt (spoiler: yes, but not as much as deniers)
I thought it was really fascinating that different income levels give to different types of charities! I wasn’t fully expecting that!
That deed story was crazy and now I’m no longer annoyed at the level of background checks we had to do to buy/sell…
And oh gosh, the “I’m proud of you” thing is so weird. My in-laws said that to me after I passed my exam and I was really caught off guard by it? They also tell me they love me every time I/we talk to them? My husband finds it really baffling that I find these things confusing…
On the other hand, it doesn’t surprise me at all! Those institutions connote prestige and legacy.
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