Just a little (link) love: I tried, boss edition
January 23, 2020
2020: If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families this year, please read this post. Current total: $63.24
I haven’t figured out makes up my metric of “enough”. Since my baseline is so different from other people, some days, enough is the absolute bare minimum: ate a food, drank some water, basic hygiene (maybe). On better days, it might be: prepared food, did some work, read something for fun, walked the dogs, paid attention to our money in some way. What’s your enough?
There are official rules and there are the real rules. It took me forever to learn this and I caused a lot of trouble while I was figuring it out. When did you learn this? How did you learn it?
Rules for girls. I’m sad that not all the posts are live anymore.
This neighbor gifted ham is kind of funny, though it brings back memories of the ham that bested me. Do you and your neighbors give gifts to each other?
We’ve had our share of problems with Marriott points but nothing on this level. They kept telling PiC that his points were about to expire in March, but when logged online his points were “already expired”. Calling customer service came up with “they’re still live but could expire at any moment without notice.” I miss SPG so much. Marriott’s service is nonsensical but I have a lot of points with them so we need to use that up.
Yetanotherpfblog’s charitable giving in 2019. Do you have a giving plan for 2020?
I felt like nothing big was accomplished in my 2019 too but I loved this reframing of that being a good thing (I too read a lot of books): “Transitions, even good ones like promotions, are hard on people; please be kind to everyone (including yourself!). Because I am in a place where I am grounded deeply in living the rewards of having made many positive life choices over time and not too many unexpected curveballs were thrown my way this year, I was able to accomplish a lot. (#stability is a kind of #privilege).”
me after the holiday season
Me: I’ll start working out Jan 1st
pic.twitter.com/Fs6qKYjzxq— like she created the fucking rainbow🌈 (@Rocioceja_) December 28, 2019
Hmmmm…“enough.” This is a constant battle for me. There’s what I WANT to have the energy to accomplish and the image I pressure myself to live up to, and the amount of energy I actually have (falls far short). Every day is a battle. Just staying alive as a human requires so much effort. I think depression plays into this a lot though.
“There are official rules and there are the real rules.” How thought provoking. I grew up pretty solidly lower middle class in terms of the whole of USA (but actually felt middle-upper middle class compared to many of my peers). Religion dictated many of the official rules, and guilt accompanied not doing what you were supposed to. My rule following was mostly self-governing rather than enforced by society; it didn’t have to. Flipside to this: when I saw people not following the rules when I was, I felt superior and rewarded because I was told God knew I was “good” and they weren’t. I didn’t even chew gum in class until the last day of high school. The principal got mad at me for not asking him for a reference for college–it never crossed my mind that I could do so. I thought I had to pick people I’d known for many years, like my preacher or teachers I’d had for years. What a waste.
Now as a non religious adult, I just get furious when I see people somehow skate by following the unofficial, unwritten rules. Because when *I* try to do the same? Chaos. Tragedy. Telling off. I inevitably get caught–I am not allowed into the venue without printing the ticket (even though at the LAST event, my friend got in without doing so, no prob. HOW.); I have to get rid of stuff from my carry on bag because it is 0.01 kg over the weight limit; I don’t get the funding, likely because I haven’t overpromised results and buddied up to the Dean like someone else has; I get told in many subtle ways I am not good enough or I am bothering people when I dare to ask for a favor, even if I’ve done them a million.
Due to my upbringing, I also have not developed the skills to determine which are the unofficial rules and which are just shortcuts you shouldn’t take, nor how to talk my way out of not following the official rules. I also still feel like I am cheating when I don’t. I am the one that argues everyone should, because that is just fairer for everyone.
Honestly? I am not sure I will ever be able to do the unofficial rule thing for real. How would I even start at 41? The consequences have been too great for me when I’ve tried, and I don’t know how to identify the loopholes or think on my feet or charm my way in/out of situations–and some, like the grade grubbing, just fill me with disgust. I don’t want to be a person that does that, even if it means I fall behind someone who does. Basically, even if everyone else does it, it still feels wrong to me in many ways. So I dutifully go through life the hard way (though I do have a lot of privilege that helps), following the official rules, no matter how difficult or ridiculous or infuriating it is.
Solidarity.
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…Books books books
thank you, nicoleandmaggie!
“Just staying alive as a human requires so much effort. I think depression plays into this a lot though.” Yes yes and YES.
I think there’s a difference between getting away with things by ignoring or flouting the official rules, and asking for an exception to be made when the circumstances seem to warrant it. The former I cannot do, the latter I will do but that one requires as much judgement (and humility) as moxy. I have friends who are naturally charming and their way is smoothed in a million ways without their asking, or even expecting it, and I emulate their manner where I can because even if I don’t want anything, I’ve seen how it makes someone else’s day better.
There is definitely a difference–but, as my examples show, I seem to be so far behind in distinguishing between the two that I cannot even tell which situation is which. It all feels similar to me!
I really need to put this on the list of things to talk about with my next therapist, or at least start observing people and trying to tell the difference. It would definitely benefit me to learn and shoot my shot more often. This oversight of mine is so surprising to me–I am usually (I think) very good at observing and mentally taking notes on human behaviour!
Thanks again for the thought-provoking link and discussion.
I hope you share your observations and how you learn to identify these now that you’ve spotted that it needs doing!
I think the ham story might be: https://nicoleandmaggie.wordpress.com/2019/12/27/i-moved-into-a-rich-subdivision-and-my-neighbors-gave-me-way-too-much-ask-the-grumpies/
(If so, thanks for the link!)
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…Books books books
YES thank you, oops. Corrected.
Thanks for the link!
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…Books books books
Oh wow, the link about the unofficial rules definitely makes me think. I am someone who currently is a blatant rule breaker, but for me, I think it comes down to personality type. I never really thought the rules applied to me, never followed them when they don’t make sense, and always kind of had a utilitarian view on things. Although I understand in certain scenarios you play juuuust enough by the rules to get by. Considering my best friend is the same way, you can imagine there was a lot of sneaking into concerts and things when I was younger.
As for the privilege aspect, it’s fascinating to watch my husband’s son grow up. He’s encouraged to ask teachers why he got the grades he got, ask how he can improve, follow up with internships, etc. All of these types of things were never anything I would have received guidance on from my lower-middle class background. I did have to make a bunch of small mistakes in order to learn things like, ohhh, I guess I have to dress up for interviews?
The Luxe Strategist recently posted…Six Game-Changing Money Mindsets for 2020
Hah as an adult, I can see how that works really well for you. As a parent, I am curious about how your parents dealt with this when you were growing up! I don’t want to train JB entirely into being a conformist but it drives me bananapants when ze goes off the rails.
I made all KINDS of mistakes trying to learn the rules and how to navigate them, and then which ones were ok to break, from a lower middle class background so it’s definitely interesting to see the next generation when they’re vastly more privileged (JB included).
I can definitely see how not everyone can do the same things and not get the same results. I think it also helps that I’m soft-spoken, and that can disarm people, ha.
My parents were of the culture where kids are treated like grown-ups from an early age. You’re expected to know how to cook before age 10. I was home alone with my sister when I was 4, etc. My life wasn’t really managed in the way average US parenting is, so I honestly can’t tell what’s normal and what’s overbearing. I did know I was generally a good, motivated kid (by temperament), so didn’t mind telling my parents a white lie here and there.
I think you’d like this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmzPJiFa1gU
The Luxe Strategist recently posted…Six Game-Changing Money Mindsets for 2020