By: Revanche

What is success?

April 20, 2021

My cohort is rapidly rounding the bases to the Big 40. One dear friend expressed his feelings about that rather succinctly: “gross!” which made me laugh but also made me think.

I haven’t pinned down how I feel about it, but it made me think about what would mark this past decade as a success for me personally. It’s getting a little late in the day to do something about it if I’m not aligned with my values, but it could set me up for a great decade in my 40s. I take a look back before I look forward.

My late teens and 20s were almost entirely about survival.

I graduated from college (21), started this blog (23) while working full time at my first job out of college, paid off my parents’ debts, dated PiC for a long time with lots of life ups and downs, got engaged (28, long after I was “supposed” to be married – 25 according to family expectations), squeaked our marriage in under the wire to land that in this decade, and buried my mom who had been chronically ill.

That period was about laying a strong foundation.

My early 30s were building on that foundation.

I took a huge career risk several years ago and so far it has been worth it. We decided to try for a child and had JB before I became considered a “geriatric” mother. We set up our estate plan and trust, I accepted some incredibly hard truths about my family, and then went through the necessary steps of cutting off my dad. I’m so grateful for the friends and chosen family who have loved us in his place. My health had just been the worst for years and last year’s dietary changes brought improvements I never thought were possible. It’s not a cure and doesn’t fix everything but it helped. I started therapy last year and that wrought serious improvements to the fatigue I was struggling with, and helped me survive the first several months of the pandemic PLUS a pregnancy.

I’ve got a couple more years left in my 30s. What do I want to wring out of those years?

I do know part of what I don’t want. I don’t want my sole focus to be the accumulation of assets and resources. I was that person for a long time for survival. I had a serious predisposition to being that person – as a kid, I was the only person I knew who loooooved playing Monopoly.

Now? A large part of my time is spent on working and the accumulation phase but that’s definitely not everything.

So perhaps the best answer to that question is a bigger question: What do I want my legacy to be? Michelle addressed this in her podcast with all the questions I’ve been asking myself. Because this is when we start building that.

At first, I started thinking of small concrete things.

  • Build on the health improvements, continuing to tinker with the diet because I’m not yet a pro at feeding myself well or correctly for what my body needs.
  • Stay on top of our finances. If we are now 10 years away from enough invested capital to retire, then when I hit 40 I want to be 3-5 years away. Healthcare is a confounding variable here though.
  • Find a happy place where I’m on top of the money without worrying about it or using it as a security blanket.
  • Heal from the estrangement. Let go of the lingering guilt and unwarranted shame for refusing to continue carrying a burden that shouldn’t have been mine to bear for 20+ years. This one may take a lot more therapy.
  • Training Sera to be an actual good dog so I can enjoy her as a family member and not be worried about what else she’s going to do wrong or if she’s going to try to eat that small dog who sounded like it was going to attack her. A big dog should really have a lot more confidence that a tiny dog can’t do them any harm but she’s got traumatic baggage and she’s scared. She’s shown some improvements over the past summer and I am hopeful but we’re a long way from trusting her with new dogs.
  • There’s still part of me that wants to have started and grown a thriving business. I’m trying to decide whether that’s truly what I need or if it’s just what I think success looks like. If I were to venture forth into that area: I want to be an ethical employer who pays well, in an entirely remote business so we can employ stay at home parents, people with disabilities, mentor and employ WOC, and most importantly to me, doesn’t require me to talk to people. Possible? I doubt it.

But those are just details… Who do I want to be? What do I want my life to look like?

There’s no easy answer to this.

I want balance in my life. I usually envision it as two feet firmly planted, whether on moving train or a ship, flowing with the motions rather than fighting the waves.

Sometimes it’s the balance of a tightrope walker, tense and shaky, making it one step at a time. Other times it’s more like the equilibrium of a juggler keeping everything moving at the right pace, not dropping any balls but knowing it can happen at any time, especially if someone throws one more plate on the pile.

It’s still a kind of balance, just maybe not the kind I think I need or want.

I’ve got family who thrive on drama. A segment of them can’t see a pit without stirring it and we don’t talk anymore. Another segment thinks you can’t savor the good in life without some lows, and that you have to make big grand splashy gestures if big grand things aren’t happening to you. I’ve never agreed with that. I watch minor dramas like Suits and White Collar with all that excitement and it’s entertaining on screen but it’s also stressful with all the manufactured ups and downs. That’s not the life I seek either.

The big things in my life were never grand. Big almost always came with two helpings of ugly. The good things in my life generally came about quietly, with little to no fanfare, after years of hard work. There were not a lot of splashy people in my life who were restful to be around. Smart, yes. Interesting, yes. Charming, yes.

How do I make space in my life without making it hollow? How do I fill my life with people I care about without becoming overwhelmed? Relationships and community are work for me, it just doesn’t come naturally. That continual tending to grow them over time can be exhausting. Worthwhile certainly but exhausting. (And in the background I always wonder a bit whether or not this will last. That’s also therapy for me to do.)

Years ago, I didn’t let myself dream, or want things that weren’t practical, because I shunned anything that was too like my brother. He was nothing but dreams (and scams) from start to finish. I also didn’t have the kind of freedom (or resources) to dream.

I always wanted to have a vision for the great big limitless future. Even if I couldn’t see how to get there, I wanted to be wealthy because it represented safety and the ability to choose what we want to do rather than being forced to do what we have to.

I used to tell my best friend: “Can you imagine how much I could save if I made six figures??” Now I tell him how I’d spend hundreds of thousands, or millions, how I dream of making things better.

But what about the in-between? What am I doing on the road to tomorrow that makes today worthwhile and enjoyable and meaningful? Big dreams may be fun and reflect my values but they should inform who I want to be right now.

Some things I’ve noticed about myself since starting this post:

  • I’m never so annoyed about not being rich(er) as when I find new ways to help at-risk and vulnerable people. We are reasonably financially comfortable but we can’t manage a five figure donation to an organization doing great work like I’ve seen in some fundraisers. I aspire to that, though it’s quite unlikely we’ll be that kind of rich.
  • Related to that, some part of my self pride will always touch on what I do with money. Making it, managing it, spending it. How much, I don’t know, but I do know that …
  • During my leave, I felt zero urge or desire to return to work. Quitting right now isn’t an option, unfortunately. Even if I could negotiate a severance (out of the question), we still need my income. Anyway, I don’t feel the internal push/pull the same way I did after JB was born. Maybe it was primarily financial anxiety back then and I mistook it for a love of the job. Whatever it was, I finally found that I care more about living my life more than I love working. This timing is inconvenient, we can’t afford for me or us to leave the workforce now. Still, it’s an interesting thing to know.

Thinking in broader strokes, a happy life for us contains…

Quality time: with each other, and alone time!;
Service: helping others;
Joy: appreciating what and who we have, and the world we live in;
Contemplation and presence: being still and being in the moment;
A positive and healthy relationship with my chosen family, which I surely hope includes my children in their adult days.

:: I don’t really have an answer to this yet but it’s good mental fodder. What are your thoughts on success for your life?

20 Responses to “What is success?”

  1. I love everything about this post. I think a lot about legacy. It began after my medical crisis and heightened after my mom fell ill. In the time of COVID I think about it quite often. Like you my thoughts change as years and decades roll by. I enjoyed reading about your changing ideas and I am inspired by your post. It’s time for me to reflect and write down my thoughts again. You have been through a lot and based on this post it’s clear you are an incredible human being.
    One Frugal Firl recently posted…I Want to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom: Should I Quit My Job?My Profile

  2. Such a beautiful post.

    “How do I make space in my life without making it hollow? How do I fill my life with people I care about without becoming overwhelmed?”

    That hits home. The balance between those two is a constant struggle for us as well.
    Done by Forty recently posted…No Job. New Plan?My Profile

  3. bethh says:

    I’ve never really cared about leaving a particular legacy or being wildly successful in a career – I’m more interested in making good money in a job I can not think about after hours/on weekends, while I have a good time with the rest of my life.

    The rest of my life, then, is mostly about people and experiences. I do volunteer and give money as well, but mostly I want to see people I love and do things I consider interesting. I’m turning the big five oh this year and so far, no crisis. I’m on track for an earlyish retirement (55 or so) and don’t know what I’ll do, but think I’ll be able to figure it out.

    And then I hope to have 20+ years of exploring my interests, and then I’ll die, hopefully neither too quickly nor too slowly, and I might leave some money, and I might not. It’s not the most amazing life but it’s not bad, either.

    That’s my version of a good life, I don’t know that ‘success’ comes into it!

    • Revanche says:

      From where I sit, your version sounds perfectly amazing. It feels like it covers what you’re comfortable with and prioritize. Which seems like you’ve already figured out the questions I have for myself.

      When I think about “legacy”, I’m not necessarily thinking about what I leave behind that much. For sure I’m not talking about a career because I don’t imagine anything in my career will have long-lasting impact. It’s more about how best to spend what years I have. However many they are, am I doing the best I can with them? And what does best mean for me, or look like? Because “best” is going to look different for every person.

      Edited to add: Reading Penny’s comment below gave me an easy way to put it. I used to only be talking about the money part, but now I’m thinking about ALL the OTHER things in life. Not just the money part.

  4. SP says:

    This is a really nice post – thank you for sharing your introspections and how your thoughts have changed over time.

    I don’t often think about legacy, and maybe I should. doI think this whole pandemic thing is making me reflect on how best to create my life going forward, where I should spend less time, and how to keep enough space in my life for the things that are important, and figure out how to build more community (i’m very bad at prioritizing this and it is extremely difficult for me), and also, figure out how to make a difference in this country. I guess it isn’t just the pandemic, but everything that is happening socially and politically in this country. It’s been a distressing time.
    SP recently posted…Where to save the “extra” money?My Profile

  5. Jill says:

    Loved this. Just wanted to say it was pretty easy for me to go back after baby #1 but it was so so hard after #2. I think a second child changed my identity in ways the first didnt, and much like you I become much more interested in life than the daily grind. Haven’t found a solution really – quit my “career path” job for a part time job plus a number of side hustles and in the end my kids are still in daycare full time and I make less $$$ and have no benefits, so it wasn’t worlds best choice. Wish there was a way to square that circle and just wanted to comment to say you’re not alone!

    • Revanche says:

      I very much appreciate your sharing. Like you, I wish there was a better way to make the pieces all fit better.

  6. Penny says:

    I’ll never forget the first time I got tripped up on the word “legacy”. My dad brought over his legacy binder that he made up for him and my mom (with their lawyer). He told me, “It’s important to me to leave a legacy.” And I gave him a hug and told him he already was.

    OF COURSE we quickly realized he meant money and I meant *all that other stuff*. I suppose I think a lot more about the other stuff than the money, so I suppose my definition of success is somewhere in there.

    Thanks for giving us so much to think about in this post!
    Penny recently posted…A Week Without a Working LunchMy Profile

    • Revanche says:

      This made me smile. Like your dad, I usually mean money but NOW I mean ALL THE OTHER STUFF. That stuff is a lot more important than I realized, back when, but I know now.

  7. Lindsey says:

    I resonate with all this and think about it often (and am not currently in therapy though contemplating contemplating all this with someone)…. the only thing I can say for me (I’m now 40, almost 41) is that I found out that I do need some kind of work (helping others), outside of the home to provide some structure for my life.

    Relatedly, I’ve drilled down my “successful” in life goals to be feelings (sort of, not really but kinda via the Goals with Soul idea- Gabby Bernstein, I think)…and that has helped with the “get to X” kind of mantra that felt really artificial (and I felt was based more on what I thought success should look like).

    • Revanche says:

      Thank you for sharing! I think it’s good to start actively identifying the pieces that are most important to you, so you can make a conscious choice.

      I don’t know if I’d be happy without any work at all long term but I also expect this to evolve over time.

  8. Shana says:

    This post really resonated with me. I wonder if part of the reason for the uncertainty around “what is success” concerns how we understand life and death. As a pretty determined agnostic, I’ve struggled with the lack of clear faith-based guidance on what makes this life worthwhile (in preparation for that inevitable next one, obv). When this life is all you have, when you have to lean into the sharp pain of now knowing what it all means… maybe that’s where we have to say, “well, in the absence of any clarity around why we’re here, what resonates for me on a spiritual/emotional level is… XYZ.” These questions you’re struggling with don’t seem like things we ever truly answer. They’re guiding lights, not puzzle sets. One set of questions that often helped me was: “What would you look back on as a satisfying life? What are the regrets you think you’ll have? What sort of life story do you look on with envy?” No answers from here, just joining you with questions 🙂

    • Revanche says:

      I think a lot of it IS wrapped up in our understanding of or relationship with life and death. I’m relatively agnostic myself and find that I appreciate the ability to focus on just what life I have here and now. I appreciate that it’s up to me to make the decisions about what’s important, and learn and grow, that I don’t have to follow someone else’s definitions.

      And yes, I agree that we probably won’t have definitive answers to these questions, but maybe that’s what makes them good questions. They encourage, I hope, exploration and deep thought, rather than just rote answers that don’t hold meaning.

      Thanks for visiting and commenting!

  9. NZ Muse says:

    I love the sentiment of this post so much and the style – beautiful writing. Something about this part got me: “The big things in my life were never grand. Big almost always came with two helpings of ugly.”

    I think this year I’ve already donated more than I usually would in a normal year, and that feels good.
    While I don’t wish to GO to fundraising galas… I’d love to be ABLE to, and make a big contribution or bid in an auction.

    I have a terrible habit of stalking people, trying to figure out how old they are, and then playing the compare and despair game 🙁 Am trying to break this.
    NZ Muse recently posted…How I’ve started doing shadow work (and why it matters)My Profile

    • Revanche says:

      “While I don’t wish to GO to fundraising galas… I’d love to be ABLE to, and make a big contribution or bid in an auction.”

      YES! This is one of my secret desires too!

  10. WJunction says:

    Wow! I love this so much that I felt this was me talking the whole time. This pandemic has been hard for everybody. I personally struggled mentally and emotionally especially with my financial status and how long it would take before I tell myself “I made it”. I’m guilty with the “Can you imagine how much I could save if I made six figures??” line that I became desperate trying to compare myself with others. Thank you for enlightening me. You opened my eyes to the real world and how to grow for oneself. Keep inspiring others!
    WJunction recently posted…How much Pedialyte for 6 month old?My Profile

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