By: Revanche

Visceral memories

July 13, 2021

Contemplating the smooth surface of a two year old foam mattress transported me back to the days of my aged spring mattress that had been flipped and turned so many times there was no side that didn’t have deep permanent grooves. I lived with that old one so long I never once considered it might be one major cause of my persistent back pain.

Man, I sank into that soft mattress for all the wrong reasons. It was nothing like the luxurious pillowy softness of pillow top mattresses at fancy hotels, it was the boneless sagging of a decrepit structure. Such a big difference. I’m so grateful for good mattresses now.

Seeing little baby eyes peering through the crib slats, and Sera curled up nearby waiting for us to take her out, flashes me back to the older, bigger dog that used to be there. All the times Seamus took up the guard position at the bedroom door when JB was crying in their crib, fighting their naptime so many years ago. His head canted to one side, and nestled on his front paws. He settled in for however long it took to show them how to sleep, and protecting them in the meantime.  

A well-meaning friend’s repeated jokes about how my priorities (being ultra responsible, for example) influenced their choice not to offer a helping hand dunks me back into the vat of all the times I felt unloved and unwanted and not a priority. To take the sting away, I’d tell myself that I wasn’t important, that I didn’t deserve anything, that I don’t matter enough. I’m trying not to do that again. It reminds me of all the times I see people remind us on Twitter: check on your “strong” friends. Too often “strong” is misunderstood as “unbreakable” and nothing could be further from the truth.

The mention of a friend’s parent’s decline into dementia grips my throat and turns my stomach.  I remember this.

When I’m bone tired and simply cannot exist any longer, I roll up into a blanket burrito. This now-tatty blanket was gifted to me when my mom passed and it still keeps me warm and cozy today. It was a moment in time when I felt like my pain was cared for.

:: What brings on a strong memory for you?