October 28, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 4.7

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Parenting Comparisons

I don’t generally worry over how other parents are doing things. We all make the best decisions that we can for the children we have. But sometimes I wonder “HOW??” There are moms who (and it’s usually moms, though we have a surprisingly even gender split on the parental dropoffs and pickup) do things like prepare goody bags for all the kids in the classroom when their kid has a birthday, or farewell gifts when their kid leaves a classroom, or create t-shirts for all the kids. They might plan huge birthday parties or volunteer for classroom related work. And some of them have multiple kids! And they work full time! I can’t quite wrap my head around how on earth they fit those things in. I feed and bathe our child daily and send zir to school with uncombed hair and clean clothes. That’s it, that’s all I’ve got on the parenting front (granted I’m doing a HECK of a lot with our entire family: household stuff, dog care, financial planning, working full time). How on earth are they fitting in all these extras?

I don’t know anything substantial about their lives but it sure does bewilder me.

Ignore the child

This isn’t something I do if ze would be in danger or gets what ze wants when ze is acting out. This is what I keep in my back pocket for when ze is acting out for attention and discipline is being perceived as attention. Ze has a particular streak that begs for attention in any way ze can get it. It may not be a conscious manipulation but I’ve seen kids do this: if they do something wrong and get the emotional payoff they want, they’ll do it again. It’s just logical.

Instead of rising to the bait, I ignore the behavior.

One morning, ze was clearly trying to needle me with contrary and “mean” statements. Stamping hard on my temper, I only responded to non-provocatory comments, completely ignored the provoking ones, and lo, after no reward for the provocations, ze stopped! (more…)

September 16, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 4.6

Then and Now….

I’m having some flashbacks to the things that worried Mom about me: her fear of heights was heightened when we climbed trees and up to the roof. I get that now. I hate it when JB climbs too high up, I get that weird feeling in my knees like I’m the one who’s going to fall.

Mom was never a reader – growing up in poverty, she never had access to books or the time for such luxuries because she was always taking care of younger siblings, cooking, cleaning, or earning money to buy materials and make her own clothes. She didn’t understand how engrossed in books I could get, or why, and thought it was dangerously indulgent. She would caution me against getting so emotionally involved with the characters that I had emotions about what happened to them.

To this day, I still get too emotionally involved in the stories I read and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I understand Mom a little bit better now, and I know she did her best with us which I appreciate.

At the same time, my takeaway: I’m trying not to quash the habits in JB that I don’t understand just because I don’t understand them. That by itself doesn’t define it as a bad thing. I just have to be more open to zir interests and accepting that I won’t understand everything that ze is into.

Speaking of emotions …

JB was extra sad about missing a friend after a nap (zir most emotional time of any day) and sobbing on PiC’s shoulder. He was trying to reason with zir, like I would normally, and then it occurred to me to try something new.

I squashed all my first urges (offering a distraction of something else to do, reasoning that we’ll see them again, offering to distract from the sadness with something exciting) and instead asked if ze would like to cuddle for a while, while ze was feeling feelings. Ze came to lay down with me for a while, in silence, and instead of banishing the sadness, we just sat with it quietly, watching the walls. Sooner than you’d think, ze asked for a new activity. My hope is that ze will start learning to feel zir feelings and process them instead of being trained to reach for a new exciting thing to cover up sadness, or just ignoring it and letting it fester. (more…)

August 19, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 4.5

Parental Perspective

Whatever our challenges, I keep reminding myself that we really only have a limited window of time to teach JB.

Sooner than we think, ze is going to be exercising independent thought (for good or ill) and making zir own choices.

On that note …

You be you, and I’ll be me, and that’s the way we’re meant to be

There’s this song the kids sing that cracks me up with their earnestness but it makes a great point, especially for parents.

I catch myself, every so often, imposing my fears and worries on zir. Next fall, we’ll be facing kindergarten. In order, I hate change, hated going to new schools, hated meeting new people. So of course, I find myself worrying about zir transition, adjusting to the new school, to new people, to new routines and I have to catch myself. That’s me and my worry. Ze isn’t me and is so different, my worries aren’t zir worries. So then I take a step back and push away all those preconceptions so I can see and hear what ze really cares about. (more…)

July 22, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 4.4

Prognostications

There’s this thing my family does. When a new baby is just big enough to sit up and grab things, there’s an age ceremony where they’re all dressed up and given a tray of symbolic things to choose from: a comb, a mirror, a wrapped chunk of mung bean dessert, a pen, several other things. Whatever they grab and hold onto predicts their future interests and life path.

Obviously this is a bunch of hooey but it’s a fun little tradition. We didn’t do it for JB because at 3 months or whatever the appropriate time was, I was too exhausted to even think about it.

But the sociocultural obsession with your future life path is one that dogs our steps every step of the way. A kid with an interest in writing Must Be Destined to be a writer, if someone enjoys art they Must Be Destined to be an artist or no! An architect! And so on. There’s no ability to just enjoy the kid enjoying something for the sake of doing the thing. I remembered being exasperated by the constant predictions and the need for every spark of interest to become something productive. It bothered me endlessly and yet somehow I eventually became a person obsessed with efficiency and productivity. I don’t understand paying money to have fun, I think hobbies should be things that can be monetized (for myself).

As an intentional parent, I see that urge replicated in myself and I challenge myself to shut that voice up and just wait to see what kind of person JB can be, free of the endless predictions and expectations.

(more…)

June 24, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 4.3

It’s my turn!

I didn’t take it personally when JB so clearly preferred PiC to me as the vastly superior parent. It’s the kind of thing that goes in cycles. I’d have my turn eventually.

I think this is it. After four short years, I think I’m finally up to bat and it’s very weird. I’m not used to being picked for the team – ever. I’ve gotten accustomed to assuming that even though I answer all the nightmare calls and administer the medicine and tough love and teach essential life skills, when it’s time for a hug or hanging out or you just want a parent, PiC’s the guy. I’m the person who keeps you alive, not the one you want to hang out with.

But now I’m up to bat and I’m making the best of it even as part of my brain goes, huh? Don’t you mean “Dad!” right now?

All I want from my child…

… is for zir to be a good person who we can love and cherish, and who loves us in turn, in a healthy and self aware kind of way.

Is that too much to ask? I really hope not but you never know.

Backwards wiring in internal clocks

Almost every week day is a struggle to get JB up and going. We’ve tried a dozen tactics and some of them work some of the time. But come the weekend, at 6:30 when my body is just hitting that delicious REM sleep: I’M AWAKE!!!.

I don’t like it.

Is this the silly side?

JB does this thing where ze likes to ham it up, then crosses the line over from silly, zips past super silly, straight to forced-awkward-and-even-sounds-painful laugh trying to coerce a laugh from your audience zone and it’s not at all funny. I don’t know what to do with it because that’s a part of childhood I never participated in, nor enjoyed watching in my own peers, and it just brings out the irritability in me. It’s not objectively funny, it’s just awkward. It gets under my skin far more than it should because it reminds me of my sibling’s manipulations when we were younger – he wanted to control how I felt and how I thought and forcing me to laugh was one of his methods.

I know zir goal is just to get a laugh but ze is nowhere near it … what does a parent do in this situation??

Precious Moments

I was musing to PiC that at least half my accomplishments as a child were motivated by spite. People would tell me I was too small, too weak, too frail to do any physical sports or even learn to play particular instruments. I never did pick up guitar but I did get pretty good at running a race and learning to fight.
JB overheard and chimed in: “das not nice! But you don’t have to listen to dem. You can do whatever you want!”
I agree. Just because someone says you’re not capable of something doesn’t mean you have to believe them.

Clearly my lessons on paying attention to animal body language have taken root.

JB: if my bunny’s ears are down, it means it’s sad. If the ears are up, it means the mommy is home. If the ears are sideways, it means it’s going to flyyyyy awayyyyyy.
My bunny is sad. Her mom died. Bad guys caught bunny’s mom.

In the hotel pool
JB: Daddy, now be a shark and swim back!
PiC complies and ze jumps out of the pool yelling: IT’S A SHARK!
PiC, confused: But you *told* me to be a shark.
Me: And then you were. When you see a shark, you GTFO of the water – pretend or not! I endorse this instinct.

Facts
JB: You were supposed to drive me to school but Daddy drove me to school instead n dat’s not right.
Me: Daddy and I both drove you to school.
JB *checks the passenger seat*: No, there is no wheel there so you did not drive.

How I know JB *is* listening (all other evidence to the contrary) aka when ze turns my words on me.

JB: I fixed this! *waves toy toaster*
Me: Good job! Is that toast in there?
JB: Yes I’m making toast for you.
Me: Could I have pretend jam on my pretend toast?
JB: Yes but you have to have peanut butter and jam because JUST jam is not good for you.

JB comes into the kitchen, looks at me with disapproval, capping a pen I’ve left uncapped since the day before: you’re going to let this dry out, Mommy.

JB pops into my unlit office, flips on the light: MOMMY! Dark is not good for your eyes!

May 13, 2019

My kid and notes from Year 4.2

Sleep hiccups

JB has been having sporadic nightmares last and this month. It’s been frequent enough that ze has started asking us to sleep with zir because ze doesn’t want to be alone. Ze doesn’t have trouble falling asleep when left alone but there have been quite a few nights when I hear zir calling for one of us (mostly Daddy) because of some disturbance. I reassured zir firmly that I used to have lots of nightmares too when I was little and my parents never came to me because they were too tired, but I understand that nightmares can be scary and will always come if ze calls. (I was too afraid to call them because they were tired but that’s more detail than ze needs.)

I’m pretty sure some of it is fear driven but some of it is a touch of the dramatic. 2 minutes after PiC turned off the lights we heard: Mooommmmyyyyyy I’m having a nightmare!

My child, you have to be asleep to have a nightmare!

(more…)