April 6, 2008
In a few months, I’ll be 26, and have never left home. Traveled a bit, yes, spent a little time away from home, yes. Moved out for college? No. Moved away for a new job? No.
There are, of course, reasons. First and foremost, I’ve always taken my responsibility to my family to heart. It seemed the obvious choice: family in trouble? I can help? A + B = C!
Second, it was practical. So long as I was within commuting distance of work, what sense did it make to maintain a separate household? After all, I was supporting the family, and it’s only logical to conserve limited resources.
Third, it was a form of safety in numbers. BroDucky has a history of abusing the family’s resources, and I’m the only barrier he respects. For myself, I could work extraordinarily long hours to bring in extra money, and not have to worry about cooking for myself, grocery shopping, cleaning, home maintenance, or change for the laundromat, or living in a crappy apartment or bad neighbors, or any of the thousand and one minor details involved in living alone.
Fourth, it was my duty, wasn’t it? The essence of filial piety is to be there when needed. After all, they raised and supported, suffered and sacrificed for me for twenty odd years. More importantly, someone had to offset my bum of a brother. Since my parents had settled for two kids, I was left holding the bag.
In essence, all the reasons to stay seemed logical, practical and sensible. I could come and go as I pleased if I had time, and there was usually food in the house, and for the most part, I just paid the bills and did my thing. Sure, I thought it’d be awful nice to experience independent life, and have my own living space, and all, but it wasn’t a terrible situation, living at home, and that was a want, not a need.
But.
The past several months have really shaken my emotional balance to the core, and I’m realizing that as things just continue to deteriorate in my home, I just can’t stand it any longer.
I have to stop enabling my parents, namely my father, by subsidizing their lives while he searches for the right thing to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, he has been trying to some degree. He wasn’t sitting at home doing nothing the last several years, but he could really have done better. But, frankly, it’s only been in the last few months that he’s really set aside his pride and taken more drastic steps to produce some income. His previous approach to employment and the choices he made to be picky about some job offers were less than satisfactory to me and MaDucky, but neither of us could sway him to the sensible choice at that time. (It’s amazing how similar this situation is to my brother. Or not so amazing, really.) Now that he’s in motion, I’m trying to encourage the momentum.
Adding to the conflict is MaDucky’s health has declined, and she’s become extremely irrational, combative and accusatory. She’s forgetful and easily confused, and very shaky on her feet. She’s fallen countless times in the past few months, as PaDucky has reported back to me, and matters are further complicated by her insistence on finding a job. I’ve spoken to her at length, explaining that the only thing that’s important is her health, and that PaDucky and I would take care of the finances, but she’s so paranoid that she doesn’t trust him or his judgment, and spends most of her time accusing him of not caring about her, and blaming him for all his mistakes up to this point. Combined with her insistence that she’s “fine,” her mentality makes for very frustrating discussions because she can only focus on all his failings, and how they’ve hurt her. I understand that she’s depressed, anxious about money and more than a little mentally distraught, but her absolute deathgrip on negativity is nigh on impossible to break. She’s so tightly bound in her feedback loop of blame and anger that all she can do is drag me into the downward spiral with her, and that seriously stresses me out. Getting her to comply with the least little thing is like pulling teeth.
Between the three of them, I’ve come to the end of my rope. I simply can’t maintain my sanity when all I hear is bad news and tattling about the other family members’ behavior.
I’ve certainly been encouraged by my friends to get out, but it seemed so selfish to say that I no longer want to be here at Ground Zero because …. because I just didn’t want to. Close friends have insisted that it’s not selfish, but when my reason is simply that I just don’t want to be here anymore, it sure seems that way. There are other reasons, of course, like not wanting to sacrifice my life for my parents’ lives, not wanting to live their lives instead of mine by making decisions that are solely based on helping family and thereby eroding my own personal stability. But that sounds selfish. Friend A’s response was the only one that assuaged my guilt: No animal is meant to live with their parents forever. And besides, it’s not like I won’t still be around to help. I would just have a safe haven to retreat to at the end of the day.
So, for the first time, I’m seriously thinking about an exit strategy. It’s arguably the worst time to make this decision, yet, I can’t NOT. I don’t know where I should go, no idea when I’m planning to be out, heck, no idea if I can even stand this job much longer if Little Boss continues his madness! And despite my conviction that I always wanted to be going to something and not running away when I leave home, I feel the desperate need to do this for myself, never mind the overwhelming guilt that I’m abandoning my family, nor the feeling that I’m lacking in filial piety or humanity. And I’ve never said that before.
March 26, 2008
I think I should tell my brother that that’s what’s going to happen every time he puts his hand out and asks for something else.
The latest request: to let him use the truck, sans insurance, for a month if he brings me the equivalent of a car payment. Oh, and uh, he could help ferry MaDucky around whenever needed, if he could use a car. It’s just that his former manager’s promised him a job, and he needs a car, and and and and …..
*SMACK!*
Do I even need to count how many ways this is a bad idea? After paying two sets of deductibles for car repairs? And cancelling his insurance because I can’t afford it? And having paid thousands in car payments by now so as to spare my credit? Really, dangling the carrot of “I’ll actually help the family out” in front of me? That’s just playing dirty.
I’d just walked home from the train station so I was tired, grumpy and a little sweaty, and startled to find him sitting in my house when I got home as I’d been pesty-guest-free for about two or three weeks now. That makes me grumpier. Rather than biting his head off, I told him that I was tired and needed to think about it. But … in the words of Bill Engvall: Nooooooooooo…..!!
*sigh* If he actually was reliable, if he was actually trustworthy, if I had the energy to worry about one more stinkin’ thing, maybe. But bejeebers, already!
I will offer this: I will help him save his money for his own car by holding cash for him, if he wants. But I’ve already taken too many risks and taken too many falls for them, collectively, to stick my neck out one more time. Nu-uh.
December 31, 2007
Ah yes, the neverending saga that is BroDucky. He’s delusional. Is there any other explanation? After our knockdown, drag-out, earsplitting fight two weeks ago in which he declaimed all sorts of morally reprehensible things such as the rightness of his decision-making, etc., etc., after telling me in words, actions and behavior that our family means less than burnt beans to him ….. he wants to move back home.
He says that he’s tried and tried, he’s hit rock bottom, has nowhere to go, nothing left, no friends, and on and on. Says he wants to come home and help our family, help our mother, help me. Can I believe a word of it? Certainly not.
Yep. It’s been a very merry week of strife.
After much agonizing, I still have to stick to my guns: he needs to get a job, he needs to get his act together on his own, he needs to pay me back, and needs to own up to his mistakes and actually physically try to make things right on his own. Not by mewling to me about how he knows that he’s hurt me multiple times, and then having me save him from his mistakes so that he can go right back out and do it again.
Families are, in so many ways, so very complicated. Parenting seems more impossible than ever, if this is any example of the results.
I’ve begun to search for a new abode. His pigsty habits aside, I don’t believe that he’ll truly strike out on his own and try to make his own life so long as his family is accessible to beg.
For tonight? I wish everyone a very happy New Year, and plan to hunker down indoors, take no calls, make no calls, and generally hide from humanity for just one evening.
December 26, 2007
I hope each and every one of you had a wonderful holiday. I’m just taking a 5 minute break from work emails right now. Though we’re on paid holiday, Little Boss said I could come in and work if I wanted to.
Friday night was nervewracking. Old DuckyPuppy, 18.5 years old, hadn’t eaten since 2pm, and wasn’t able to get up or move around on his own. He specializes in being a puppy-lump, but not eating is NOT him. Wrapped in blankets, he toasted in front of his favorite space heater for a few hours while I agonized about whether or not I should disturb his rest and take him to the vet. He was breathing normally and gums were pink so he wasn’t in distress, but I just couldn’t decide whether or not it was worth an emergency vet check. Finally, BoyDucky and I took him at midnight because I simply couldn’t sleep without knowing for sure that there wasn’t anything else we could do for him. It cost $200 to have him checked and get x-rays to confirm that we just needed to help him rest and get around until he was ready to eat again. He finally started to perk up on his own around 4 pm Saturday.
Immediately after that, the other bridesmaids and I threw together R’s bachelorette party for Saturday night and it turned out to be really quite fun, despite the last minute planning.
We took her to dinner at a BBQ/western themed restaurant at Universal CityWalk (parking: $10), where we ate WAY TOO MUCH and topped it off with mechanical bullriding. She managed to hang onto the bull for the full 8 seconds. Yeehaw! My portion of dinner, with some thrown in to cover R’s dinner, was $42.
Next up was dancing at a Latin club: the salsa/Latin/Hispanic musica was played downstairs for the dancers with coordination and dancin’ skill, all other dance music was upstairs. Unfortunately, cover was $20 because we got there after 10pm, but the bartender was kind enough not to charge for any of R’s drinks. The “bachelorette” tiara was a great investment, it saved us the cost of 5 bottles of water and 5 drinks. Coat check was $3, cash only, and ironically, I was the only one with enough cash to cover $7 of coat check for friends. I never carry cash; I only had cash at all because BoyDucky insisted on giving me money for the night since I didn’t let him go halfsies on the vet bill. I guess cash DOES have its uses. 🙂 And thoughtful boyfriends are great, too.
Total spent: $79 (-$65 from BD = $14) Monday morning found us decorating A’s grave with garlands and ornaments. He would have been 26 tomorrow, so I’m sure we’ll be back again tomorrow morning.
That night, I found out that MaDucky had gotten into a minor (ie: no injury) two-car fender bender because she was on a new medication and became confused while driving. I think it’s time she stopped driving. She’s been ticketed for making illegal turns, and turns on red lights that count as “running” the light and countless other minor violations. It all adds up to a very bleak prospect for her safety.
Tuesday was a good day visiting with R’s family. This may be the last year I spend any real time with them during the holidays because splitting my time between three families is just so complicated.
And that brings me to today/right now: (I need to get back to work!) This unexpected holiday overtime will help pay for the equally unbudgeted outlays of the past few days. I didn’t want to work instead of playing Wii with friends, but I may as well cover some upcoming bills while I can. Time enough for video games in the evening.
In great news:
1. I’m SO CLOSE to topping off my emergency fund!! Check out the sidebar!
2. R gave me David Bach’s Smart Women Finish Rich and we’re going to make 5 goals for 2008 together. Aside from my regular financial goals, we’ve decided that we’re going to make 5 goals that can be anything from personal, relationship, financial to educational and make a PLAN for how to accomplish it. I’m excited! Fresh year, fresh start.
December 11, 2007
Credit: Dolores Neilson
says the Sultan of Second Chances.
Got a call from BroDucky the other day. He’s getting a real job, he says. At least, his girlfriend has given him a whole list of leads. He’s going to get a real job, and he’s been making do borrowing transportation and getting rides, but he really wants to make things right with the car situation because he doesn’t feel right borrowing other people’s cars, etc.
He wants to know if there’s anything he can do to get a car back. He wants to know if I’m willing to work with him because he wants to pay me back, but he needs to get a job for that to happen. He needs to be able to get to the job, though, and for that, he needs a car. So, how about it, sis? But he totally understands, says he, if I’m not willing to let him have a car back.
As if that’s my fault that he can’t be responsible enough to pay for the car and insurance, and that it’s my call, whether or not he should get the car back.
Ok, it is my call. After all, I’ve got the keys, I’ve got the insurance paperwork, and I’m paying the bills. So it’s my call. But I HATE his manipulations that are juuuust so “reasonable” and so mild. “It’s up to you.” “I want to do the right thing.” And so on. He makes it hard to just verbally shut him down because I so desperately want him to get on the right path and do the right thing. And incidentally, pay me back the thousands of dollars he owes me. The worst part is that I’m fairly certain he doesn’t even see it like a manipulation. This is him “trying” and “making up for all the bad times.” Man, this is supposed to be improvement?? At least he’s not living under my roof anymore.
But I told him to get a real paying job first. Get a job with a salary or a living wage and secure it. Don’t bring me leads, don’t bring me connections. I want a secured job, and a start date and an actual first day, a paystub for the love of Jim, EV-ER-Y-THING. Get that done, and then come talk to me.
At the end of the day, I have to remember that he comes to me when he wants something. That I’m only one of many options, and that I’m only the easiest option if I slip up and allow him to use me. I have to stay strong and remember that he could be an advertising exec, he’s so smooth, and even after 25 years of co-existing, it’s too easy for me to buy into his “earnest” act. Because if he really wanted to make things right, he’d get the job, work his butt off, save the money and pay me back. And he’d find a way to make it happen. It’s not my job to make this work for him, it’s not my job to make it possible for him to work. It’s HIS job, HIS life, and HIS responsibility.
I tell Pa and MaDucky that all the time. I cannot afford to slip and let him take advantage of me, too. Literally, I cannot afford to make another mistake.
Big brothers aren’t supposed to be this way. They’re supposed to be warm, supportive and comforting. Safe havens! I should be able to go to him for moral support, not turning away from him in exasperation and despair. Oh, how I wish for the strength and wisdom to see this through to the end.
So, what to do from here? Assuming he manages to land a job, and actually starts working, I have absolutely no way of assuring that he continues to work once he gets the car. So then what? He has, to be fair, managed to do a couple things in good faith, like returning the car after royally angering me by taking it in the first place. Handed over the keys, as promised. But other than that? He’s not paid a dime since July.
I suppose I could require him to pay back all the back payments and pay a month in advance for all payments from now on. It’s not likely that he’ll have that kind of money wherever he works. But is that a reasonable requirement?
Suggestions would be appreciated. My brain is drained.
November 18, 2007
Confrontations: My brother took the car, seeking permission from my enabling father instead of me, on Thursday. I’ve had it out with both my parents for their enabling behavior and finally got a hold of my brother today to give him a piece of my mind for his selfish, thoughtless behavior. I’m taking away his car keys this time, like I should have last time. I’ve also taken away my parent’s keys. How has my family life come to this??
Discoveries: I can probably bid on a one or two year subscription to the Wall Street Journal on ebay and NOT spend $100 on it. The seller requires at least a 30 day history on ebay and have positive feedback due to “non-payers.” I have no recollection of using ebay to purchase anything, but because I had ordered books on half.com 6 years ago, that history translates to ebay! Turns out I have a 6 year history on ebay and 100% positive feedback. NICE. That’s useful IF I win this auction. In the meantime, the website has a pop-up offering me a two-week free online subscription.
Also, I found a stock-conversations friend. Never had one of those before. It’s all very new, but it was good motivation to finally bite the bullet and start investing a little. It’s not that I’ve done all I can with regards to the “less technical” (as I see it) personal finance, it’s just time to expand my horizons. My eyes did start crossing a bit when the conversation got more technical than I’m accustomed to: dividends, divestitures, equity …. oy! My understanding of how stocks work is still shaky. Time to do some research.
Delivery: My ETS check came in the mail on Saturday! +$98! Will have to put that into the Expense account, though. Projected expenses through the end of the year are higher than I’d originally expected.
Acquisition: All the doomsday predictions about Comic Con selling out their 4-day passes even earlier this year got to me. I bought my pass.
Difficulty: BoyDucky’s father took yet another turn for the worse this weekend.
November 7, 2007
They say, (and I don’t know who, but I’m going to quote, roughly, from David Weber), “If you have one problem, a solution may be difficult to find. If you have many problems, often, they will solve each other.“
My real life application isn’t tied up with a ribbon or anything, but it sort of worked out that way.
Little Boss and I had a chat outside today. It was more a ranty-rant at him about the workload and difficulties in accomplishing certain tasks uninterrupted. I hadn’t even mentioned the problems with trying to schedule my doctor’s appointments.
He offered to allow the office to take two work-away-from-office days so that they could fulfill their parts of my project! The benefits:
1. Getting a good amount of work done in one concentrated swoop. That puts the pressure back on me to pull together their parts of the project the following day, but the work would be done!
2. I can spend my day catching up on the whole chunk of project that’s been piling up on my desk without interruptions.
3. Finally, I could schedule my doctor’s appt on one of those two days and not “miss” any work because I’m saving 3 hours of commute time a day just by working from home!
Now, how is THAT for good news?
And in the mail this evening? A letter to MaDucky scheduling her follow-up MRI scan. *big sigh*
Item C [work] has an action plan, check. Item D [Ma’s medical] has a next step scheduled, check. Item F [my medical] is on the calendar. And I just spoke with my brother who promises to have the car back here tomorrow afternoon, so I will have transportation on Thursday to accomplish the above tasks, check, check. Hallelujah, praise Heaven. Well, not just yet, but I will if he shows up. Item G [wedding stuff]… I will print out at work, having received permission from Little Boss to do so.
Bills were paid last night, I’m scheduled to get the ‘brows groomed tomorrow and booked my ticket, using my two Southwest credits from previously cancelled trips, to see BoyDucky for some good ole couple time at the end of this month. It’s a shame I won’t be able to fly up a third time this year to claim that freebie award ticket from their Buy Three (in CA), Get 1 Free! promotion, though. That would have been really nice.
