April 3, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. It looks like we’re shut down through May. Being a pessimist who was expecting that (and for it to go longer) sort of helps.
Challenges this week: PiC’s hands are healing very slowly which is frustrating and worrisome, my fatigue is off the charts.
2. We had an online “party” with aunties and uncles for an auntie’s birthday on the weekend and it was fun.
3. That constant urge to buy (probably stress shopping) has faded for a little bit. I’m grateful for however long it lasts.
4. My brain therapy session helped me work through the feelings and difficulty I’m having in supporting a loved one because it’s bringing up bad memories of being the child of a narcissistic user. I chose to support them and always will but I am more cognizant of the need to have some boundaries and the need to step back sometimes so I am not giving everyone else everything and leaving nothing for myself. This is a new realization and a work in progress.
5. JB still seems to be handling the adjustment to our not-quite routine well. I am sure that it helps that they’re getting all kinds of treats they normally wouldn’t: no getting sent off to school at somewhat rigid times, lots and lots of free choice and art time, screen time with every dinner (usually educational but just fun on the weekends.) They generally benefit a lot from daycare programming in terms of education but they have also been attending year round for years with only winter break and a couple of weeks in the summer off. This is kind of the equivalent of their first summer break from a school routine, even though their scope is seriously limited.
:: How are things developing where you are? How are you spending this time if you’re quarantined?
March 27, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. I watched the news on COVID-19 pretty carefully leading into March. While I didn’t anticipate exactly what we’re seeing now, my disaster antennae were up and catching all kinds of vibrations so when PiC noted we were down to our last two small packages of toilet paper, which is when we usually buy a new megapack, I said casually, get one extra pack just in case. In case of what? At the time I would have said, well, the supply lines may get borked. China’s having a rough go of it and I’m not sure what that’ll do to our ability to refill things we need on demand over the next few months. Better to have an extra than not buy it and be stuck when the time comes around again in a month.
I would not in decade have guessed that people would clear the shelves, the inventory, and the freaking warehouses. What. On. Earth.
I’m only looking now because I’m responsible for a friend’s household supplies. They’re having a particularly tough time and I designated myself their needs supplier. I shipped them a pack before the virus burst forth but I should have sent two. Holy hickory, I’ve scoured the internet and found nary a sheet. Everyone is out of stock. I’d just give them our extra pack but it’s not cost effective to ship.
I’m glad we’re fine but what is everyone doing? Are they buying ten times their usual amount? This is such a mystery. Wish me luck as I try try again.
Challenges this week: PiC hurt his hands, my fibro has flared up, we’re constantly on edge about the state of supplies and when we should next attempt to venture forth. My routines are all off. I feel the urge to stress shop a lot. Mainly for basics but I saw a $150 Chromebook and had an irrational urge to buy it. I do not need a Chromebook.
2. We helped out an educator friend with distance learning lesson planning and that went so well that we worked out some times they can give JB lessons to give us a brief window of uninterrupted work time. It’s been really hard to get a schedule in place as we ourselves have been adapting to the ever changing news but I have high hopes for this week.
3. PiC got to work on his garage project and is satisfied with his weekend’s work.
4. We took the dogs outside on two sunny afternoons and they sunned themselves until they couldn’t take it any longer. That’s a luxury here.
5. My brain therapy session helped me work through my feeling frustrated and thinking that feeling Not Good about a pandemic is somehow the equivalent of me being a mess. I feel like a mess because I am unsettled. But it doesn’t mean that I am a mess.
6. JB was poorly on the weekend so we spent hours snuggling and resting on the sofa. That didn’t help so I distracted them with Christmas shopping for the cousins. It worked a treat AND we’ve knocked out one Christmas chore before April. Plus we supported a smallish business. *Buffs nails*
:: How are things developing where you are? How are you spending this time if you’re quarantined?
March 20, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. I’m so proud of myself. I had a list of five recipes I wanted to cook and freeze ahead but I knew it was a very ambitious list as they all required a lot more than my usual effort. I broke up the recipe across two days and made a magnificent vat of gluten free lamb stew. I filled up two containers for freezing, we had a smashing good dinner (PiC had three bowls), and I shared some with a neighbor.
2. PiC bought a medium tub of hot and sour soup from the local Chinese restaurant we like for me to freeze. It’s one of the soups I always want to eat when I’m sick, so if the day comes that I’m down with a virus, I’ll have comfort food close to hand.
3. JB’s preschool program has been closed indefinitely. Thankfully I had already been thinking ahead to that inevitable day so I already have a box of activities assembled and a few recipes ready for cooking and baking projects together.
Challenges this week: I’m baffled by the nonsense people are willing to believe about disease. People are saying: putting Vicks VapoRub in your nostrils will protect against germs – no, it will not. People believe that you can test for COVID-19 by holding your breath for ten seconds, and make it go away by drinking water – no and no. Some people were touting steaming as a way of killing the virus in your lungs – an epidemiologist said that would only work if it were hot enough at which point you’d be long dead.
Why, people, WHY.
Many counties here have been shut down through April 7 or longer. This is a surreal time.
4. My brain therapy session was tough but good. I didn’t feel emotionally flayed, I suppose one can only have so many of those in a row, but I did feel comfort in discussing my past and present and concerns with a professional. I’ve advised others to seek professional help in the past, I believe it can really help people, but this is the first time I’ve ever personally experienced what I imagined it to be.
5. Super grateful to Tanya for sending me this chicken salad recipe, it’s similar to a recipe mom used to make when I was growing up and I’ve missed it. JB liked the dressing but hated the salad. Go figure.
6. Shopping for our Lakota families is usually an exercise in frustration because so many household basics aren’t available for shipping to PO boxes or to that zip code even if the store is willing to ship to them. We’re now experiencing similar issues here with household basics because of COVID-19. Every reasonably priced detergent and heartburn relief, for example, are out of stock even if they would normally deliver to us for a fee. Both at Target and Costco. I’m both annoyed and recognize that we’re very lucky to normally have no problems getting hold of what we need. And we’re lucky that PiC is able bodied and can run to the store and try to find the goods if I can’t. Not everyone has such an awesome and able-bodied partner to pick up the load like that, nor does everyone have relatively easy access to stores that might have stock.
7. Parenting in the time of COVID-19 means we’re relaxing our standards on screen time. I will allow some on weekdays when I need a break and JB has been using up all their willpower. They have been surprisingly good about the isolation considering how social they normally are so far, but at this point it just seems like we’re having a long (looooong) weekend. They are sad about not being allowed to eat out at a restaurant, though. They enjoy the novelty.
8. My massage therapist cancelled our session due to the three week shutdown of the Bay Area. I’ve purchased a gift card to get some money in her pocket because she’s still going to have to pay rent and I want to do my part in ensuring she can. I also cancelled our dogwalker but we’re still paying them because it’s not a ton of money but I’m guessing that every little bit will make a difference. I’m extra aware of these things because I have friends who own small businesses and losing lots of income during the pandemic. I hope their customers remember that people need to pay their bills and pay a little extra if they can.
9. I’m so grateful that JB has generally taken this in stride, aside from the occasional morbid ponderings (what if people die of coronavirus and they’re all alone?? Do you have coronavirus? I think I have coronavirus.) We’ve had some pretty non-scheduled days and rolled from day to day this week rather flexibly unlike my best intentions of having a set schedule. It’s ok. Next week. I wonder how long we’ll go like this with the statewide shutdown set for… Indeif
:: How are you holding up?
March 13, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. I have put in the last orders for refills on all of Seamus’s meds so that we’re good for about 2 months on his medications and food. It’s so much money, and I’m so grateful that we are able to foot the bill, but we are digging a bit into savings.
2. I had my first brain appointment and we dug deep into some painful issues right away. Damn if it wasn’t also really good for me. I felt light for the first time in … I do not remember. It lasted a few days. It also left me with about a thousand more questions than I have answers to but that wasn’t entirely unanticipated.
3. I’m grateful that I decided to skip lump sum investing this year and to make a small weekly purchase on a set day of the week. With the stock market doing the dance its dance, I would be struggling to figure out what to do and when to buy and how much to buy. But a set schedule that I just execute? I can handle that.
Challenges this week: The spread of COVID-19, and the terrible way the US government is handling it, is really unsettling.
4. I’m working on focusing on the things I can control, like food. I’m looking at planning for treats and meals in case of self quarantine or actual illness. Like these keto sugar free donuts. There’s also my list of a mix of new and old recipes that I need to make in large batches for eating now AND for freezing for later. I’m hoping we can stage just one big grocery run this week and not have to go again for another couple weeks to reduce our social exposure.
5. We’re also talking about when to pull JB from regular activities (daycare, swim). There aren’t many cases here, many parents who have help have already pulled their kids and reduced the exposure for the remaining kids, so now we are working to make plans to keep JB engaged and learning at home when it’s our turn to take them out.
6. After 3 rounds of medications and 4 lab tests at $200 a pop, Seamus is FINALLY cleared of infection!!! HUZZAH.
7. I’ve got some hoarded Target gift cards for our essentials that I just dug into to send a big box of supplies to my baby relative working their butt off as a healthcare provider. They are in one of the frontline roles of treating people and I wanted to ease their day to day burden a little since they’re on their own and working all hours of the day and night. Thank goodness for hoarding gift cards.
8. I got to thinking about kids in school and college right now. If this pandemic had hit when I was a kid or in college like this one is hitting now, we couldn’t have made rent, paid for gas, groceries, or utilities. We were once so incredibly precarious. It’s a minor miracle that I made it through college without more than a major medical mystery hanging over my head. I wish there was a way to see the students who are scrambling to survive because of this and give them a helping hand.
:: I hope if you’re reading this, you’re healthy and will stay that way, but what precautions are you taking?
March 6, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Total collected: Lakota, $640.74; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. The work on our taxes should start this week. In about two weeks, I should be able to stop holding my breath for the tax hit. Ending that particular anticipation will be nice.
2. I finally got a few outstanding health appointments on the calendar. I need to find out what I’m allergic to because I am sick of randomly itching and random rashes sprouting. Cross your fingers for .. good grief, I don’t even know what to hope for other than an answer that’s palatable.
Challenges this week: My fatigue has been … well, overwhelming. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate feeling useless because there are 30 things to do in a weekend but I can only do three of them and then I have to lay down for 3 hours. Hate. It. And there’s only so much existential dread I can take over the state of our nation politically, the state of our world medically with COVID-19, and the very serious goings-ons in dear friends’ lives.
3. We had a warm day! I set Ronnie Robot Vacuum loose to do its thing and opened all the windows for fresh air and aired out the house. It’s astonishing how different the airflow feels in every room at the same point in time. The combination of reasonably clean floors and fresh air and warmth was invigorating. Moments like these I miss the SoCal life. Not enough to go back and live in that traffic. But a little.
4. I’m also highly amused every time I watch Ronnie work, or know that Ronnie’s moseying through the house and cleaning the floors. It’s like having a less sentient Mo from WALL-E, except Ronnie gets stuck in random rooms sometimes and can’t tell me which one.
5. It feels like my sunrise alarm clock has been helpful in the dark winter mornings. I’m glad I found one half off but also glad that I bought it at all. (more…)
February 28, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $521.62; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. There’s something immensely satisfying about setting Ronnie the Robot Vacuum to take care of one room while I clean another area and start the laundry. Ronnie’s taking care of the other room! (This seems less satisfying when I get an alert that Ronnie needs help because its left wheel is stuck but I have no idea where it IS because it left the room and to another one. It’s been 5 minutes and the robot’s already gone a bit rogue. I was not wrong to worry about Cylons.)
2. I KNOW it’s not tax efficient but I still get a little zip of happy when my original stock portfolio notifies me of two dividend payments on a Saturday morning. I reinvest all of that money but it feels like a micro payday. Plus I haven’t decided if there is a good tax efficient way to move that portfolio in our index funds portfolio yet. At least not right now.
3. If I had to be wrecked, at least it was on a weekend when I could try to rest.
Challenges: Even though I did everything “right” with my diet – no sugar, low carbs, no gluten – AND even got what seemed like a full night of sleep, an hour after waking up on Sunday, I felt crushed. Zero energy, brain clouded, short of breath. Ugh.
4. Our emergency fund is held in CDs and a bit of cash. I have 2 CDs expiring in two weeks and 2 more expiring in March. The renewal interest rate options are paltry so after kicking around some ideas on Twitter, I think I have a plan of action. I’ll cash the first two out at maturity and deploy the cash into a new savings account for a good bank bonus. When that’s paid, I’ll rinse and repeat in PiC’s name. It’ll be more work for me but it should bring in better returns over the year than the 2% or less APY.
5. I finally got all our tax documentation together and thoroughly vetted our spreadsheet with all the details! *little dance* I sent it off and now I have to try veryvery hard to be patient. And to remember to breathe while I’m waiting to see if my estimates were right. Right here right now, I’m banishing that stupid guilt I always feel for not doing the final lap on my own, every year.
:: How was your week?
February 21, 2020
If you’d like to join me in helping Lakota families and/or rural libraries this year, please read this post. Over 6 weeks in 2019, we raised $2669.94 for the Lakota families, touching 27 lives. What can we do in 2020?
Current total: Lakota, $521.62; Rural libraries, $321.62.
1. Actually my first challenge was also a good thing. The success of the thing I was organizing was why it became a little too much, but that’s still a good thing!
2. PiC and I split the work on registration for kindergarten. I am not ready.
3. I found Ann Leckie e-books at the library – woot!
Challenges: I was working nonstop last week organizing support for a loved one. I most definitely bit off a little more than I could chew and I most definitely pretended that I didn’t. My checking account was a total mess so I opened a new checking account at Ally just for their funds so that my neurotic money managing self could clear things up and that was helpful. Then I ordered a gift without actually reviewing the order and that was a bit of a mess, I had to frantically message the seller to tell them not to send ME the gift. *FACEPALM* Work was a mess of many messes to clean up.
4. Watching that episode of Psych where Juliet’s dad comes in and tries to reconcile with her at the same time as pulling another con, I found myself curiously ok. For the past two years, seeing fictional characters clashing with their fathers (and especially this where her father also conned her) hurt. Why didn’t my dad love me as a father should? Why didn’t my dad care enough as much about our well-being as his? Not this week. I had just told a beloved mentor of our estrangement. An excerpt of what I shared:
“I have needed all this time and careful intentional revisiting of the facts to help my heart adjust to the reality that was painful for a long time. I usually make painful decisions with my head and then let me heart catch up, this was no different! Even though it is a sad and regretful situation, I am slowly healing.
I’ve done what he should have done – protected my family – and I will heal from the less obvious wounds he inflicted, like feeling doubts that anyone can love me if my own parent didn’t. I am slowly accepting that his choices and actions don’t make me a lesser person. Even if he couldn’t love me the way a parent should, others do, and even if I have moments of doubt, I will grow away from them.
Not that I don’t still get angry at him. I do. Every single time I have a flare-up that’s incapacitating, and feel too painful and fatigued to exist, and I have to keep working because I spent so much money caring for him instead of saving for my future when he was much more able than I, that he was a selfish liar knowing he was hurting my health. THAT part still makes me angry.
For all that anger that’s left, I am lucky and I can see that. I got to choose to walk away before he drained us dry and ruined my marriage and future. We aren’t in the place we could have been, but not even he could destroy the fruits of my careful money management and that gives me a redemptive feeling of control. I think that choice I took when I did made a big difference in my healing.
The thing I now work on is how I feel about the future. I do not want to feel obligated to again endanger that recently saved financial foundation for either of them. As a daughter in this family, it’s very hard to say that. Taking care of your elders in their old age is ingrained in your mental and emotional self down to the cellular level! But he abused my sense of duty for 20 years, he would have let me die of the pain and despair, for his own benefit. I had told him how severe and debilitating the pain was, to the point of suicidal ideation, and that didn’t change his behavior other than to stop him insisting that we have the 14 hour wedding ceremony and reception that he said was necessary. (Because that’s just what everyone does and he wanted to look like everyone else.) But he still demanded his prerogatives like a bottle of the finest ($$$) liquor so he could share with his friends and pretend he had money. So I am working on weaning myself off that gut level sense of obligation.
I don’t want it. If I keep saying that, it too will slowly become ok.”
5. The refresh work at the rental is nearly done! Details to come.
6. I’d forgotten, it’s been so many weeks since I’ve felt up to it, how fulfilled I feel when I get to go to a store, pick out a new food to cook, AND get to cook it in the same weekend. It did entirely wipe me out but the fact is, I haven’t been close to feeling up to doing that much in so long. I loved the feeling of anticipation and it renewed my sense of wanting to cook and eat. I hate that dull feeling when I don’t have the energy to think or cook anything new. I love the zing of chasing down new recipes I might be able to make.
7. It “only” took me six weeks to take our new robot vacuum out of the box, charge it, and install the app. I finally ran it! It’s been kind of fascinating to watch and also it makes me very self conscious about all the stuff cluttering our floors. I’m in yet another period of transition in my office where lots of boxes and bags are strewn about. We’re in yet another cycle of: organizing, decluttering, package up things meant to go to new homes, and donating. None of this makes it easy for a hard-working robot vacuum just trying to clean up these floors! It was pretty distracting at first as I figured out how to get myself and my towers of STUFF out of the way. JB was fascinated by it too. The only one who thought the robot vacuum was nothing special was Sera. Go figure. She’s normally a basket case about anything too new.
:: It has been A WEEK. How was your week? How do you say “no” to a sense of obligation that will only harm you? What makes cooking fun for you?