November 25, 2010
Having seen PiC off to the airport, my hometown friend D and I are spending a quiet Thanksgiving weekend together in the Bay Area without our families because making our ways back to Southern California just wasn’t in the cards for either of us. His reasons are his own and not mine to share, but mine are, of course, not precisely a secret.
Since moving away, I’ve been a mess of conflict struggling to remain a dutiful daughter from hundreds of miles away; fighting to establish my place in a new job, and adjusting to a new home and shifting relationship dynamics.
For the first time in four years, PiC and I are in the same city all the time. We pick up the phone and schedule a shared commute, shared dinner plans, shared grocery shopping and budget. In most ways, it’s nearly been seamless. In others, we’ve picked up our bones of contention and sparred a few rounds. At the end of the day, it’s all worked out and I’m more grateful than ever that this was the end to my almost year-long stint of unemployment. It was horribly nerve-wracking at the time, and could have been the biggest mistake ever, but so far, it’s been a huge support.
Conversely, however, for the first time in my life, I don’t live steeped entirely and totally in the family stress. And so in a strange turn of dis-inoculation, perhaps call it weakening by means of detoxification, my spirit quails at the thought of venturing back into the fray, each and every time. Every visit has been emotionally fraught, always including fights with the sibling when we run into each other, the heartwrenching sag in my mom’s cheeks, left behind from her stroke-like episodes in 2008 and other small signs of disrepair in my former home and crumbling family foundations.
After several rounds of trying to walk it off, and playing the stiff upper lip game, it was time to admit defeat. I simply couldn’t face it again this weekend, not this holiday weekend when the expectations of family are at a near all-time high. I just didn’t have the strength to pull a shroud around my soul again, and I don’t have the ability to pretend that that is business as usual. Until I have taken steps to get my parents out of their living situation and dealt with my feelings of guilt for “abandoning” them, I need to keep my physical distance for a while longer.
While I wasn’t totally happy with the decision, I haven’t had any nightmares since deciding to stay in town for the weekend. And with a friend to keep me company, I’ll actually cook dinner to eat while reading comics all day. It’s probably the best decision for me right now, and it’s about time I learned how to make those kinds of decisions in addition to taking care of everything and everyone else.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers and a wonderful weekend to everyone else! I hope you’re enjoying peace, quiet, and comfort and remember all the blessings we have in our lives. I hope you’re able to do that every day, regardless of the season.
Thanks to all you faithful friends and readers for being there in the virtual world and in some cases, in real life as well. I’m grateful for everyone’s support, online and off, you’ve made the journey this far so much more positive and even enjoyable than it was when I was just a young pup struggling to make ends meet with my minimum wage job and a checkbook.
<3
May 29, 2010
Remember that I’m hosting this week’s Carnival of Personal Finance so please submit!
$5K Challenge Reporting: I’m in a holding pattern this week, a paltry $50 check trickled in yesterday but three major invoices are still outstanding. My hope is that they all come in this weekend but it is a holiday weekend.
Total: $2,229.18 [44%]
How did you do?
Speaking of holiday weekends, I’m so relieved it’s here. Work’s been running me right off my feet everyday and only careful planning and advance cooking from the previous weekend ensured that a hearty dinner was on the table by 8 pm every night.
My exhilarating plans include catching up on sleep, bills, playing with the Guest pup one more time before the owners return, preparing the Carnival for your viewing pleasure and setting up a recalcitrant printer/scanner that’s refused to work since moving. Maybe even catching a movie with a friend who suddenly showed up in Oakland. Oh and there will definitely be eating. I’m on the prowl for new recipes to try – please share any of your comfort food recipes!
What have y’all got on tap?
May 14, 2010
This gorgeous, thick, almost plush orange envelope landed in my mailbox yesterday. It was addressed to “Revanche and Guest” – you know what that means!
Wedding bells are ringing in honor of my dear old friend. He was my one of my favorite freshman year teachers and we’ve kept in touch lo these many years – through college, through the dissolution of his marriage, through some incredibly tough job hunting and soul searching years. And he’s found the woman who, without even meeting her, it’s plain she so matches his personality that reading her writing is like reading his. They’re not the same, but it’s close enough to make no never mind.
I’m delighted for him. He’s a warm and loving soul; a troubled marriage, divorce, ex-wife’s hasty remarriage to the strangest match ever (oh yes, we knew the guy) and the loss of his beloved pets who were children to him didn’t tarnish his quest for beauty (Whitmannish, Emersonian, Byronlike) and love.
My hope is that sometime after the wedding, I’ll get to know his wife and we’ll get along, and we’ll continue meeting up at odd times in our lives and be friends until the end of time.
In the meantime, it’s a scramble to make sure that I’ve travel funds for another trip back down south to witness their nuptials and wish them well. As luck would have it, they’ve scheduled it for the holiday weekend in July so with that Monday off as buffer/recovery time I’m considering driving instead of flying. It’s more cost-effective when you have more than one person in the car. Tallying for two: driving would probably cost less than $200 for the weekend, compared to 2 plane tickets at $180ish each. And if any other friends want to hitch a ride down to LA for the weekend, that’d defray the cost further.
Between this unexpected news and the flight back home for a graduation I neglected to budget for, I’ve emptied the well of travel money, travel credits, and travel anything else! But I wouldn’t dream of missing it and can’t wait to see him again.
February 14, 2010
Tidbits of Tradition
My Korean brow tamer tells me of a tradition in Korea wherein Valentine’s Day is the day women buy chocolates for the men, and a man may reciprocate by paying for dinner on a Valentine’s Day date. A month later, the tables turn and on March 14th, White Day, men are the gift-givers and must select a gifts to reciprocate to the woman (or not, if his heart ‘clines in another direction). Yet a month later, Black Day gathers up all the singles who didn’t give or receive on either Valentine’s Day or White Day for a mourn-your-singledom dinner with black noodles.
Yesterday was Lunar New Year Eve, and half conscious, I heard some family drop by early in the morning to dispense with the traditional home visits. My cousin and her young children brought back a flood of memories of my childhood. Our family had a set tradition brought from the homeland that’s changed slightly over the years, but not too much. Once upon a time, the Lunar New Year was the Winter Break in our nook of Vietnam. Businesses went dark, families kept their quarrels safely behind their teeth, a set of new clothing was bought (or made) for every individual to wear once they’d literally swept the old year over the threshold.
The lunar celebration spanned at least a week, usually two. Families made house calls. Adults drank tea together, while the children were taught to wish their elders a formal Happy New Year, happiness, health and wealth. Each successful well wisher was rewarded with a red envelope.
That practice came to the States with my family, and I absolutely hated it. Shaking with stage fright, despite only addressing close relatives I spent time with frequently, I would gladly have forfeited the red envelopes and the hoard of cash to avoid mumbling, stumbling, as I followed my glib sib’s silver tongue and brash declarative act, embarrassed and discomfited by the staring eyes.
Once everyone had paid and been paid, food and the gambling! We had kiddy games, die with animals printed on all the sides, kind of like craps. The adults played blackjack, because Grandma loved it, and a complicated card game using tiny colored strips with printed Chinese, because Grandma loved it.
Grandma unabashedly whupped our butts every year in card games, thus thoroughly unseating any notion that gambling could be profitable. And it wasn’t for the sake of teaching us a lesson, I’ll tell you that much, she just liked winning.
Over the years, the practice of parading the children in front of a grinning group of adults has eased up. The nuclear family groups have sprouted entire new branches and bringing the old group together would be nigh-on impossible. But then again, this generation wouldn’t really mind. Born and raised in a highly affirmative environment, they lack nothing, least of all confidence, and claiming the red envelope for showing off is a matter of due course. Kids these days. 😉
Possibly my favorite (for now) part of that tradition is that, in my family, red envelopes are given until you’ve married. At that point, you’re considered a true adult and then become an envelope giver. My friends alternately gripe that it’s a disincentive to marry and that they want to incorporate that into their families. Evidently some families cut you off once you’re earning an adult’s income.
I just smile. There are memories sacred to every family.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to call my cousin and wish her Happy New Year, and thank her for delivering red envelopes I didn’t earn.
Edit: And chiming in for the Japanese tradition, see FB’s comment below, and hailing From Japan With Love:
“In Japan, Valentine’s Day is a bit different. The tradition here is that girls/women give chocolate to guys (girls get a present from those guys in March on “white day” -they get white gifts like white chocolate, marshmallow covered chocolate etc). Also, there is “giri choco” which basically means “obligation chocolate”. Women give chocolate to their bosses or some other important men in their lives-this is expected and has a long tradition in Japan.
But what is a new trend in Japan is “tomo choco” meaning “friendship chocolate” and according to a recent survey 74 percent of women plan to give a Valentine’s gift to a female friend but only 32 percent intended to buy something for a boyfriend. In another survey a chocolate maker surveyed 500 women and 92% said they had received tomo choco from a friend last year. And of these women, only 11.2 percent said they plan to give chocolates to a someone they love.”
January 4, 2010
A belated recap
‘Twere the hours before dinner,
and strewn along the cushions,
all the people were lounging,
including this lout:
These gorgeous cuts of pork and fish were our main entrees in what I thought was a slightly ambitious menu.
It turns out that I completely underestimated the other cooks in the family because their post-Christmas dinner was worlds away better than mine.
Had I known they were going to serve tri-tip, baked green bean casserole, jalapeno cornbread, red mashed potatoes with a shrimp sauced noodle starter and two kinds of soup, no matter how much of it was pre-made or from the box, I might have insisted on something more elaborate than my all-from-scratch meal followed by my first homemade pie ever.
Actually, my peeve was that despite my careful coordination of the cooking and plating, the dinner guests milled about so long that the food all got cold. And I hate cold food.
The pork needs a little more work the next time we make it; lower heat and longer cook time should do the trick, but the apple with pancetta topping was an absolute hit. At least two people went back for seconds and thirds of the topping to go with the quinoa or the Crescent rolls we served.
I hope everyone had at least one good holiday meal. We might not be big on traditional Christmas around here, but we do believe in good company, good food, and sometimes good wine.
December 25, 2009
to all my readers who celebrate Christmas! And to everyone: warm bunny snuggles!
December 31, 2008
I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year!
We’re having the quietest New Year I could manage: getting the out of towners and hometowners together at a girlfriend’s new apartment just to hang out and gossip. That’s it. No partying, no excitement. Just maybe a Wii, and a board game or two, and food.
For the last three years, another girlfriend has gone to massive lengths to throw a hugely elaborate party with music, alcohol flowin’, all kinds of party foods, swimming and hot tubbing, and all that jazz but we’re old and worn out this year. 🙂
Catching up with friends, quiet reflection, enjoying our friendships and celebrating the new baby on the way is plenty good enough for me.
