Year 5, Day 190: Blergh. I made myself go to bed early (for me) last night and still felt like a waterlogged foam pillow trying to get up.
My plan to start the week with enough rest was derailed by a jerk male of indeterminate age going around the neighborhood banging on / kicking in doors. I contacted all the neighbor-friends and found out it already happened to one of them. Their kids reported it sounded like a real break-in attempt so my dander was up. Whoever this is needs to be caught – this is stupid and dangerous. I strung together about 8 hours, even after the requisite 2-3 hours of settling down time (trying to read), but felt like I got no rest at all.
This morning was not much better. We notified a few more neighbors and found out that we’re the fourth ones that we know of to be hit and there’s more than one of them. Then I remembered that, many years ago, a friend’s brother was murdered in a break-in and I never heard from the family again. That, and my aunt and cousin narrowly escaped similar when their home was broken into when I was even younger. No wonder what sounded and felt like an attempted break in brought up such a visceral reaction of rage.
Year 5, Day 191: Welp. I was prepared for a shitty day. Had my consolation danish ready to go when I emerged from the first, second, or third hyperfocus sessions. Instead we woke up to a feverish Smol Acrobat declaring “I’m going to stay home wif you and Wee because I do not feel good! Not Daddy. Oh wait, yes Daddy.”
Oh.
Well. Shit.
PiC rescheduled his meetings, my truckload of work is not negotiable, and we split 80/20 kidcare and muddled through the day. I did a lot of the cuddling, which got Smol through their rough bits and was terrible for my currently already impacted immune system that’s just struggling to get past last week’s cold-type viral thing, but that was most of my 20%. I was wilting with fatigue and general ick by 3 pm, desperate for a nap.
It wasn’t until I sat down after bedtime that I came anywhere near hyperfocus again. Frustrating but got just close enough to put a decent amount of work to bed. I gave myself a few minutes with the latest posts at Ilona Andrews and The Struggle feels so familiar to my overall work right now. I got some unbelievably disheartening updates today and just wanted to quit on the spot. I hope the information is half baked and mostly wrong because if even half of it is true, life will be impossible in six months. Just sheer impossible.
Year 5, Day 192: The kids had their dental cleaning today. They love their dentist, or the dentist experience because they get to watch TV and get goodies at the end, and their hygienist and dentist are pretty great. However. Next year, the dentist is going out of network in the way that means they will still bill insurance on our behalf for our reimbursement but we have to pay the full freight and get a portion of it back later. Another expense AND another thing to keep track of. 😫
Speaking of overstretching: between my still feeling under the weather and Smol Acrobat’s fevers this week, I’m SO grateful on one point. When PiC and JB were rear-ended on the weekend, it was minor enough that we decided it was unnecessary to report to the insurance. We didn’t want to – the driver who hit them was clearly distressed about the prospect and it would have impacted his insurance much worse than it would have impacted us financially. Apparently his foot slipped off the brakes and the car rolled into ours.
Year 5, Day 193: Some days you struggle with getting the kids to see and do the chores, some days you break up fights over which chores they get to do. These are weird extremes.
Coffee grinding is the Chore of Choice. JB has been doing it on their own for about 6-8 months and now Smol Acrobat is grumpy because they’re not allowed to do it yet. “I do good wistening!” they protest. Yes, you do good listening for a 3 year old. This needs a 6 year old good listener. They grumbled but agreed to spectate only. Then we had to holler at JB to pay attention because they got distracted playing with Smol Acrobat. 🤦🏻♀️
JB is currently going through a bunch of playground conflict with their same gender friends. We were so hopeful for less conflict this year with newer kids in the mix but then BullyKid from 2nd grade joined the group. Their other gender friend also had a conflict and split with their same gender friends. I don’t know for sure if 2ndgrade Bully is the instigator but given there were no conflicts for many weeks before they joined, and the conflicts immediately started when they joined, I have my suspicions.
Year 5, Day 194: “The great love of my life is a homicidal maniac. No one’s perfect.” I really liked the premise of Lucy Liu’s Elementary when it first came out but never got to see much of it. Now that it’s on Netflix, I get to enjoy it as my background noise. I like it!
Good news, JB and the other kids apparently mended bridges. I wasn’t sure which way that was going to go. That’s a bit of a relief but I expect the larger issues with the conflict-provocateur remain.
Money: If you use any of the listed P&G brands, they have holiday and sports-related rebates: Get $15 when you spend $50 and Get $5 when you spend $20, good from Sept 29-Dec 29 2024.
My exciting Friday night: working until I had to make dinner, cooking dinner and getting everyone else off to bed, and then doing tutoring prep (scanning pages out of JB’s math book for their uncle professor to use) and then researching and predicting preventative healthcare costs for 2025 so we can make open enrollment decisions next week. The dental bit is the most painful. They say they’ll pay 90% of “reasonable and customary fees” but I need to know what that means in order to figure out how much of that 90% stacks up to my dentist’s costs and therefore what our anticipated OOP costs will likely be. Only I can’t because according to the ADA: the words usual, customary and reasonable are not interchangeable and UCR is a misleading acronym.
UCR is actually three different concepts, not one. Usual fees are determined by the dentist. The fee the insurance company determines to be customary may be lower than the area dentists’ usual or reasonable fees for the same service. There is no universally accepted method for determining the customary fee schedule, which may vary a great deal among plans, even when those plans operate in the same area. So, the benefit paid will generally be based on a percentage of the insurance company’s customary fee schedule. Patients often do not know what their out-of-pocket costs will be because third-party payers generally do not release these customary fee schedule maximums to the public.
That’s VERY ANNOYING.
SIGH.
Anyway, I worked out most of our expected fees because the hygienist helped me schedule all of their appointments for next year in one go, so at least I have that information to go on. I think I’ve wrapped my head around this: they cover 100% preventative care at their discounted rates so the other percentages of coverage for treatment don’t matter. I don’t have to wrangle with the other stuff for now because all we have planned is preventive care and we can’t predict anything else at this point. So that’s dental done for now. For my 401k, since I’m already accustomed to the accelerated rate of contributions, I may keep that percentage for the first half of the year and be done with that, similar to how we do PiC’s plan. That’ll give us better cash flow for the second half of the year and ensure we’ve maxed it out a second time before dreams of rage-quitting start up again. Hopefully.
Year 5, Day 183: Holiday Mondays are weird Mondays.
We took the kids to the park where they took minor injuries, both to the knees doing completely different things, and came home needing a big lunch and a rest. While my time with the trainer is definitely showing (tiny) results and helping reduce how badly my body reacts to this sort of flagrant overuse, it’s still pretty unhappy with the decision to take fresh air and several thousand steps instead of sitting in my soft but supportive office chair for several hours. My brain doesn’t mind the break, my body strenuously objects to the change in routine.
The subject of filial responsibility came up on Bluesky and it brought up my low-level creeping uncertainty about what’s in store for the future. Seven years ago, I had a consult with a lawyer who felt I had no legal reason to worry about making a break with the biodad and that I was on firm legal ground to stop supporting him. I would hope that after this many years of estrangement, and likely more by the time a nursing home comes into play, that my legal responsibility is similarly not. I would like to talk to a lawyer again in the near future to confirm their understanding of the CA filial responsibility law and confirm the likelihood that I would be pulled into that vortex without my consent.
Year 5, Day 184: We had house guests for the long weekend and the dynamic has been such a rollercoaster. Now we know what having three kids three years apart could have been like: constantly up and down. Love, hate, love, hate, love, hate, bicker bicker huuuuuuug. We three adults are simultaneously bemused and exhausted. I’ve so appreciated having the company of a long time friend who knows my medical stuff and is super mindful of COVID risks, so that’s been so good for my soul. But the children. 😆😵💫 I am so grateful they made the trip to visit us, we’re so lucky that they still love us after all that. At least I hope they do. 😆
Is my brain broken: Going over homework with JB, I seem to have just lost all memory of how we borrow numbers when subtracting. Like there’s a block of knowledge that used to live in my head but isn’t there anymore. What. I know that I keep losing memory but to lose a core set of computing rules that I’ve been using since I was 7 is really disturbing. After waiting for it to come back, I gave up and looked it up but it still feels foreign like this is knowledge I never knew at all. There’s nothing familiar about the facts I relearned. There aren’t any echoes of familiarity like addition or multiplication tables or division which may feel rusty but the memory-feel, the layers of having done that for years, is still there for those things. Not so for this part of subtraction.
Year 5, Day 185: Back to the metaphorical donut shop for me today after seeing our friends safely to the airport. I’m really tired both from prolonged socializing, as enjoyable as it was, and from catching some viral thing yesterday. Just my luck. I get to spend time with this friend for the first time in years and of course my body craps out after a few days. So rude. I have no regrets! Just continued annoyance that some of our meatsuits are so incredibly fragile. Everyone else is, of course, fine. I’m glad everyone else is fine, I just want to be in that group.
Today’s my first trainer day since Friday and have I already lost all conditioning? Last week, arms days were feeling pretty good. I was doing the max number of reps, not a huge number of course but high for me, and feeling a smidge stronger each day. Today, after only 20 modified pushups and 24 lateral raises, my face was in extreme danger of being ground into the carpet during planks. We barely made it to the end of three planks. Summary: noodle arms.
Probably doesn’t help anything that I’m not feeling well either. Maybe that’s connected. We’ll see!
Year 5, Day 186: So much drag, today, physically.
PiC finally got the second car to the shop! He had to go about it in a convoluted way since we had registered it as non-operational: get it registered as operational, tow it to the shop, get key maintenance and smogging done, drive it home, sell it. Registration was $164, smog check and a water thingie replacement ($600). It’s been SUCH a relief to have it out of the garage where it’s been a Very Tight squeeze for more than a year but it’ll be home again in only a few days so please join me in crossing my fingers that someone buys it before the end of this year.
Also it just occurred to me that I should just order JB more Vogmasks. If I attach the liner to them to protect them from stains, that’ll get them a better fit until the custom masks come in. The custom masks are a couple months out. This way, I can stop driving myself up the wall about the aged materials’ poor fit! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before.
Year 5, Day 187: Today would have been a dog borrow day but for the mountain of work that towers over me. I took a risk earlier this week, hoping someone could come through for me but they couldn’t, so here I am with a week’s worth of work on a Friday. The saddest of faces I’m making. I ended up working until 11 pm.
Year 5, Day 176: Recovery from the weekend: The kids and I got our flu and COVID vax this weekend. Wow did the body aches get me. I had to push my Sunday workout to today but then today was so busy and stressful I just couldn’t handle one more thing so pushed it again. I hate that but remind myself that the workouts are supposed to improve my life, not make it worse when I’m already struggling. I’ll still get them all done in the week. It’s a good thing PiC will get his COVID at a separate time so we weren’t both down.
Also my brain was wading through hip-deep mud all day and I only just figured out at the end of the day that maybe this is a type of brain fog. Post vax type? Maybe? Or heat related? I don’t like it. I forced myself through a lot of work but it felt terrible the whole time. It was nothing like hyperfocusing feels.
On the one hand, I’m deeply grateful to have benefits. On the other hand, I’ve come to find Open Enrollment weirdly stressful. No idea why, getting to pick things that provide our care is a good thing. Also overall benefits like healthcare and retirement just shouldn’t be tied to employment and I’ve always hated that it was and still is. It’s as ridiculous as dental and vision being separate from medical coverage.
Year 5, Day 177: At 2 mg a night, I’m still occasionally waking up sweating some nights but the nightmares do seem blunted a little. They’re not completely waking me up the way they were 3 weeks ago. It’s not doing the trick yet though, as evidenced by my utter inability to handle JB’s attitude with patience and forbearance. They were rude to me and I snapped: “don’t talk to me anymore” and walked away.
The amount of things to do is overwhelming. I’ve actually done A LOT but the number of things that have multiplied when I wasn’t looking is ARGH. The passports are done! I have pants that fit! Our Yeti has been replaced! I’ve chased down our FSA payments and they’ve been deposited! We have limited access to cheap COVID kits through an employer so I’ve been collecting our limited allotment each month to send to our family of five friends who can’t get any for a reasonable price and to our other family of five friends who are immunocompromised and need a steady supply. I stress packed a box for the Lakota reservation and that helped a little (close to checking that box).
But there are a million other little things that keep popping up.
Also I could just cry. My beautiful snap pea plants may all have powdery mildew. The weather has been really weird and I’ve been really tired so I’ve been watering them late in the day instead of in the morning like usual and didn’t think it would be a problem. I think I kind of did this to them and now have to remove them all even though they were producing so well?
Year 5, Day 178: Bookshop.org has free shipping today. I missed it last year and resolved not to be caught unprepared again. I’d be prepared to buy Christmas gifts from them this year! But no. Fail. The list of books to buy for niblings is blank. I knew this was coming up and yet still don’t have my list. Dammit! Stress!
This is par for the bumpy, gopher-hole-filled course. I’ve been sluggish from the post-vax recovery, and off my game all week as a result. It upsets my equilibrium when I don’t have any balance between work and housework like running the laundry on the right days or making progress in little tidying up ways. I DID gather all my colorful pens and markers into a plastic bin at least.
PiC heroically did the Costco run today so while he took the kids to go biking, I could quickly throw together a hearty meal so easily. We had the savory and filling Irish stew ($22, premade), a loaf of rustic bread ($6), and salad ($4) for dinner. I feel very lucky on this point.
Currently overthinking: packing toiletries for travel. We have to do a weekend trip in a few weeks and I want this organized well before. Right now we have a large communal bag for all things: many mini shampoos, conditioners and body washes; hairbrush/comb, lotion, razors, etc. Everyone has their own little pouch for dental supplies and they all go into the communal bag. It’s convenient to have everything in one place, mostly, but sometimes it would be more helpful to have individual supplies. When the kids are big enough to have their own suitcases, maybe it’d be easier and better for their sense of responsibility to have their own pouch. I really like this one I found at Michaels and am trying to think through the separation of things. How do/did you pack these sorts of things when you were traveling with family? At what age did the kids (you as a kid or your kids, all experiences valid!) in your family have their own packing list and case and all that?
Year 5, Day 179: Rush rush rush today. Some management meetings ate up a quarter of my day *dramatic groan*. It was actually for a good reason but still, those two hours are huge. I ended up working until nearly midnight catching up. Le sigh.
I put Good Girls on for background noise while working this week almost entirely because I like Christina Hendricks but the show just slightly annoyed me the whole way through. Going back to Leverage Redemption is very soothing.
Parker in Leverage:Redemption is more me than ever.
Sophie: Parker, you do not want to kill Ethan.
Parker: Yes, I do. I want to kill a lot of people, all the time. I just don’t.
Parker: What, didn’t you see the sign at the front of the building? It says 112 days without an accident. They’re due.
Hardison: Wow you are so smart, you are so smart. I bet you could spell every word in the dictionary except for respect.
Year 5, Day 180: I was scheduled for three workouts this week and since I simply could not get my equilibrium all week they ended up lumped in the middle of the week:, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Today I had the weirdest urge to fit in a set of exercises so I did a couple sets of squats. Extra weird because that’s one of my weakest exercises, but the brain wants what it wants.
I’m annoyed about ingredients today and my inability to use fresh ingredients when I’m have them and never having them when I want or need to use them.
There were the Anaheim peppers I asked PiC to buy extras of so I could chop and freeze them for future chilis. I then got sick, or had a flare up, or something for long enough that I forgot they were waiting until it was too late.
There’s that cabbage I asked him to pick up 4 months ago so I could make chicken cabbage salad one day but I’ve been so crazed I haven’t cooked more than three times since. It’s given up the ghost.
And sour cream! We perpetually forget to have it on hand when we plan to have Mexican food and when we do have it, we don’t need it until it’s expired. WHY. WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS.
It’s not everything all the time, we’re good about finishing leftovers all the time, it’s fresh ingredients that I just cannot cope with between the vagaries of my attention (remembering it exists) and energy and time.
Year 5, Day 180: Our Yeti was acting funny a few months back so I contacted Goal Zero to troubleshoot. They couldn’t figure out why it randomly shut itself off either, so they arranged for an exchange. It took us months to actually get to packing it up for shipment but within a week of the arranged pickup with FedEx, the replacement one arrived at our doorstep. FedEx’s tracking system is generally garbage and this was no exception. Most times my deliveries are delayed six times before they get here, annoying but ultimately fine. This time I was notified that a label was made, and that was the status right up until the delivery guy banged on our door like Aragorn announcing Gondor’s call for aid. He was kind enough to deposit it just inside our door rather than just on the front step. I could not have safely hefted that thing by myself. This felt timely since we’re having yet another heat wave this week and PGE has planned blackouts. If things get dire, we may need the Yeti to keep my devices up and running for work.
I felt a need to eat my feelings all day. It was confusing, though, usually I think: I’m so mad I need something sweet/salty/crunchy to soothe my ruffled feathers. Today I just kept trying to think of a snack but nothing suited and I couldn’t figure out what was driving it. Ultimately it was probably overwhelm. I’ve got too many plates and balls and spiky pineapples being juggled all at once, it’s feeling impossible to manage. I’ve just got my fingertips around all of it but it’s precarious. I felt a bit better by the end of the day when I’d burned through several huge piles of backlog.
Year 5, Day 181: It’s heat wave time again. We were just coming down from 90 degrees at 7:30 pm. It’s funny dealing with the heat when all my patterns have finally shifted to living in cold weather. Everyone else in the family copes much worse than I. No one sleeps well and there’s a lot of complaining.
I was utterly unmotivated to cook dinner so when JB asked for takeout, I suggested the burger place. Then on the spur of the moment, we decided to eat on their outside patio since it wasn’t crowded. We rarely ever do that. This might be the fourth time we’ve ever eaten there. (My antipathy for the company of other humans is stronger than ever since 2020.) The best part was getting home at 645 with everyone fed and ready to hop into the shower. We’re usually trying to get dinner on the table or just sitting down by that time. It’s amazing how much less stressful the night feels when dinner is done by or before 7. I still had to work late but it was an early enough start that when Smol Acrobat asked me to lay down with them for a while, I didn’t particularly mind the lost half hour. I managed to dispatch the worst of the pile and log off at 10, off to do the second half of my exercises so really it felt a lot like having it all today.
Now that it’s October, we need to make time for our flu and COVID shots. Every time I think about it, I remind myself: but don’t do it the same time as PiC! Maybe we should get our flu shots separately, too … I will say that the kids really like seeing us get ours, so we often tried to do them all as a family but last year kicking our asses taught us not to pander to their enjoyment.
Year 5, Day 182: It’s been one week of taking the lowest possible dose of this new medicine (an alpha blocker blood pressure med for off label use) to see if this will break my lifelong cycle of intense draining nightmares.
I had terrible side effects the first night (nasal passages felt severely swollen for a few hours), less the second (annoying congestion), weird the third night (congestion didn’t start until I woke up), and none since the fourth dose. As for effectiveness: I still have vivid dreams but none in the past week have been the terrible gripping nightmares that make me wake up screaming or even more tired than when I went to sleep (similar to massive pain nights). So far so good? I’m going to stay at this dose for another two weeks and see if there is any recurrence.
I’ve found three new freckles on my arm. That’s weird. I’m not in the habit of adding freckles to my collection. As teens we used to theorize they were the result of sun damage, based entirely on the frequent appearance of freckles on one friend every time they were sunburned. I wonder what really caused them.
It’s early release all week for JB and PiC has taken the brunt of the past two afternoons. His schedule is more flexible than mine on a good day, and I haven’t had one of those in a while, so I really appreciate his taking the hits.
Dinner: carnitas fried stovetop (premade from Costco), pico de gallo, Mexican rice and chips from the local taqueria, shredded cheese, guacamole (Costco), and a handful of fresh picked green beans (5) and snap peas (3) from the garden. I gave the other 5 green beans to JB to pack for their lunch tomorrow.
Year 5, Day 183: Everyone’s sleep patterns this school year are still very off kilter. Even our earliest riser, Smol Acrobat, is sleeping late, past 7 some days. I enforce an 8-830 bedtime but it’s not doing the trick.
Another scorcher today. I grumble a bit when it’s colder but on days like this, I’m grateful that our house holds in the cold so much that even when it’s 90 degrees outside, as long as the blinds are down and doors and windows stay shut, the cool air stays inside.
I’m glad it’s online so we can attend without leaving the house but I’m still whining that it’s already the next PTA meeting. Really? Already?
Related: The 4th grade is the big fundraising year for the kids’ 5th grade costs like graduation and the like. I’ll fundraise for charitable reasons to help out folks in need, never for personal gain/needs/wants, so I feel VERY weird about this. How do people even do this? I can’t / won’t post it at work like people used to do, I’m a higher-up. Almost everyone is below me in rank, that wouldn’t be right. I don’t feel like I could circulate among friends, either, because it’s not a “good” cause. Once in a while I get fundraising emails from niblings whose parents are wealthy or well off for a school thing or a Scout thing and I don’t mind that. I toss in some money but this I feel completely awkward about. It feels like we should just cough it up and cover the costs ourselves. Does anyone else feel this way (on either side as a parent or as someone being asked for donations) or have another way of looking at it?
Year 5, Day 184: Even with people I like, long work calls leave me into a devolved state where I feel about as human as a Dushegub. Three calls this week was 2 calls too many.
But! I did finally get that appointment with the bank to get some paperwork notarized (more people) and then we took the kids to get their flu and COVID vaccines. They were NOT happy about that at all, not one whit. I let JB know a few hours beforehand, let them get their feelings out (so many feelings), and let them pick their top three treat choices for afterward. They were in a tizzy about it right up until the needle hit their arm and then they remembered it wasn’t that big a deal. “that’s it?” 🤦🏻♀️ Smol Acrobat didn’t handle the needle moment well, they were crying before they even sat down but recovered well enough to get home. Then they hobbled like they’d lost three inches off their leg for the rest of the night. It’s very dramatic. JB was side effect free as far as we could see, Smol was a little off their game and seemed a touch feverish but it wasn’t very bad.
Year 5, Day 166: Trainer time! I’m gaining confidence that I can do exercises without immediately sending myself into CFS / fibro traction and there’s something immensely uplifting about that knowledge.
Arms day is easier for me than legs day, and I attempted to max out my reps again. (spoiler: I was able to lift my arms again the next day. Yay!
TIL the acronym HENRY: High Earning Not Rich Yet. That’s us, since I define “rich” for us as being able to survive long term without our jobs. I’m always acutely aware that it can go away. My Great Recession scars are practically tattoos, they’re always out and always at least a little bit dictating my attitude towards money. We are currently high earning (though at the very bottom of the high earning wage scale in this area and compared to the other professions/industries around here, most daycare parent make multiples of what we both make combined), and we couldn’t maintain this lifestyle on one or no incomes. We splurge now and again, and we give more than we splurge on ourselves most months. There’s plenty of non survival (our survival that is) fat in our spending but I don’t consider it all non-essential. I would really hate to be unable to help folks out. But that’d be part of the reality of losing our incomes due to corporate cuts, along with other belt tightening we’d have to do. Actually, I can’t entirely blame the GR for my continually being on edge: PiC’s employer is going through yet another round this year, did I mention that? This is what, the fifth round this year. No wonder I’m always expecting it. What steams my cauliflower is that the parent corporation is doing Just Fine. They made many-digits of profit last year. Alright, I’d better leave it at that. We’re HENRY. Can’t wait to drop the NRY and the heartburn of waiting out round after round of layoffs, hoping we make it through another one. Between PiC’s income, benefits and the childcare being linked to his employer, we have so many reasons to hold on tight at least until kindergarten starts. Then it’ll be down to the income and benefits. Healthcare is such a huge question, and has the potential for such catastrophic consequences if you have a serious illness, I don’t know if I’ll ever not be nervous about that piece of the financial puzzle.
Year 5, Day 167: Everyone got up late again today. We weren’t late out the door but this waking up early is such a tough nut to crack. Even Smol Acrobat, usually an undesired reliable alarm clock, slept in. There’s something about this school year that’s making it all much more challenging.
Garden harvest: three snap peas, three mini cucumbers, and seven green beans! Our biggest green veg harvest yet!
Work: 👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼
I’m preparing a brief to get into yet another tiff (of sorts) with corporate on behalf of my team to get them what they deserve. Ahhh there’s nothing like a combination of intense pressing deadlines AND political bullshit to navigate to ring in the fall season! This is just the beginning of this particular advocacy, and it remains to be seen if I have a particularly powerful person on our side or not. That’s what I find out next week – wish me luck?
Year 5, Day 168: Chores day for everyone. JB needed to wash their lunchbox, plan tomorrow’s lunch, grind coffee beans, and put away the new load of laundry. Smol Acrobat is responsible for their own laundry so they had to hang up their own clothes and fold their underwear and put away the utensils. PiC prepared dinner. I assigned the chores, babysat Smol during their chores to help them over the little bumps, then spent two hours submitting FSA claims, and trying to figure out how to earn a few miles for our Alaska mileage accounts.
I ogled these cakes from a local(ish) bakery. I want to try some of their flavors but not at $35 for 1-2 servings. I’m not feeling that level of economically secure.
Year 5, Day 169: This weather cannot make up its mind: one day hot, one day cold, two days hot, two days cold. One day hot, one day cold. Today is Full Winter. Tomorrow’s forecast? Full Summer!?
Unfortunately I can’t or I absolutely would, but still practicing naming the thing I feel like even if I can’t: just want to sit here and stare into the middle distance for a few hours doing absolutely nothing. Sadly, nothing in my schedule says: sure, relax. Today I’ve got to run an errand after school, tomorrow I’ve got to attend a school event so that means rescheduling my appointment with the notary to next week. This weekend is all costume making and kid-minding and food-cooking and then next week is chock full of meetings that were postponed from this week. I hate meetings. Loathe them. But these are actually necessary so I suck it up and forge on.
By dinnertime, I slumped over thinking “I am so tired, I can’t take it anymore” which of course leads to “oh no it’s going to be harder next year when JB’s self defense classes are later in the day and then the year after that when Smol Acrobat starts kindergarten and we won’t have childcare after the kindergartener’s early release midday aughhhh….” There’s really no resolution to that particular mental slide. I have no answers. It’s just auughhhh all the way down.
Year 5, Day 170: Well, I’ll be darned. I was dreading the arrival of an envelope from the Passport Services Agency today – we only just submitted our applications last week and the only reason I could think of that they would be sending anything to me so soon after processing payments is that they were rejecting Smol Acrobat’s passport photo. I accidentally sized their head a little too large in the prints relative to the 2″ x 2 ” size and the agent said maaaaaybe they would take it but they might not, and they would mail it back if not. You could knock me down with a feather when I opened it up and found that it was my very own renewed passport! That was less than 2 weeks from submission in the new online system to delivery! Fantastically fast.
Trainer time: It’s arms day again and I’m maxing out my reps while I still can. 24 lateral raises, 18 almost-semi-kinda pushups. I can feel the ache but it’s not terrible.
Money things: PiC mentioned the cascade of upcoming big home maintenance things: getting the roof replaced, and then the gutters, and then (this is really ambitious) finishing the exterior paint which was started seven years ago but never finished. That made me a little nervous so I made a savings bucket in our Ally savings account to start to trickle in cash for big house stuff. I didn’t love how it felt to take the cash from our emergency savings even if we did make up that lost ground over less time than I had feared. At least this way we’ll have some cash set aside specifically for these things. I also made a travel bucket while I was at it. Historically that’s always just come out of cash flow but we also haven’t really done much big travel in the past 5 or so years, it’s easy to cash flow a road trip or three. Bigger travel is going to cost accordingly.
Also looking ahead to 2025 moneywise – I think the 401K contribution limit is expected to go up another $1000. I’ve been plugging in some of this year’s numbers into next year’s spreadsheet and it looks like our cash flow falls over into the negatives by May. Part of this is because spending is high. Well, I guess that’s just really the whole thing: our spending projections are on the high side. Since my takehome pay is hard to calculate for next year, I’m being very conservative about how much that might be for now. I’m also conservative with PiC’s presumed takehome pay for the early part of the year as well. We usually “run out of money” early in the year in the first few drafts of the annual spending projections and we don’t ever actually run out of money in real life but even knowing that, I still hate the early draft feelings of augh the numbers are going negative! And I still have more spending to add! Especially since, in keeping with everything else that keeps going up, our annual property tax bill is now over $12k total so I have to bump up that specific savings bucket. I can’t reduce our property tax or the daycare bill or the mortgage or the half dozen other necessities. I can only reduce the not-survival stuff like giving and travel. Boo. Do not like.
Year 5, Day 159: COVID vaccines are being administered nearby but they still don’t have them for 5 and under so I’m waiting til Smol Acrobat can get vaccinated so the kids can go together for moral support. PiC and I have to remember to do ours separately so we don’t have a simultaneous crash and burn like we did last fall. It was totally unexpected. We’d been relatively ok after all the prior boosters/vax after the very first round so we let our guard down for the Fall 2023 shots. JB was a champ at covering for us but I don’t want them to have to do that again.
Smol Acrobat has been sick for a few days and they finally got me this weekend. It appears to be the standard preschooler congestion/fatigue/cough/ICK virus that circulates every other week, but I tested both of us today and we’re currently negative on COVID. I’ll test again in a few. I had the luxury of being able to rest half the day Sunday because PiC took the kids, but there’s no rest on weekdays between work and school drop off and pick up and activities.
Year 5, Day 160: Operating at about 30% today, having gone to bed early but unable to sleep for physical discomfort and then unable to rest for the psychological warfare my subconscious is waging against the nightmares. PiC heard me shout in my sleep last night, I remember that waking me up too, because of some vampire-ish type of nightmare.
With 9 direct reports, someone always needs something. It gets unwieldy when it’s three somebodies all needing something at the same time. It’s not all handholding, though sometimes (and more lately because of THINGS and REASONS) it is that too. Ultimately I’ve got to make some changes in my department. I don’t love them but reality has set in, especially as at least one person is in crisis and needs me to be really present for them in a way that isn’t sustainable in the long-term the way I’m overloaded now. My hope is that we can support them through the crisis and in the meantime I will be restructuring enough so that I am prepared for future needs. I wish I could have had real support when I was grieving my mom’s sudden death or overwhelmed with my pain and fatigue issues, even if I didn’t know I needed it or how to ask for it, so I’m committed to providing it here.
Year 5, Day 161: I’m still feeling under the weather but compared to how I would normally be feeling three days into any virus (steamrollered), this isn’t nearly as bad (very mild congestion, continued fatigue). That first day of rest must have made a real difference because that’s the only difference between the last time I got sick and this. My system is overreacting to the virus today with absolutely delightful (not) mouth sores despite the antivirals, though, and that’s making eating a real trial.
I powered through so much work today in an attempt to keep the decks clear for a shorter day on Friday. We’re going to get the kids their passports and then I get to test out the online passport renewal process that just opened today for myself. Tiny squee of excitement.
Year 5, Day 162: Trainer time! This is the third workout of the week and despite the viral things going on with me, I decided to push my limits a bit. The trainer usually gives me a range, say 3-8 lateral raises, or 2-5 pushups (modified since my wrists can’t handle that pressure). I aim for the middle of the range most of the time, hover at the bottom of the range on bad days. Since good days are far and few between, I figured that a not-bad day is good enough for attempting this. Plus I was emotionally disregulated like WOW this afternoon and the challenge felt like a good way to shake my brain loose of the crankiness. I did 20 modified pushups and 32 lateral raises with light weights. Will I be able to lift my arms tomorrow? NO ONE KNOWS.
Year 5, Day 162: Oops, my updates for this day and Friday were lost to the ether! I won’t fully attempt to recreate them but just the most relevant bits: YES I was able to lift my arms today and it wasn’t a big deal which conversely was a big deal because that’s really cool. I am getting a bit stronger and not getting punished for trying to work out again! That’s such a huge thing.
Year 5, Day 163: This was both a busy day and a good day in that I cleared a lot of work in not a lot of time, so PiC and I were able to have lunch together. We haven’t done that in a very long time. The bad part was we both ate too much and nearly succumbed to food coma! 😀 In the end, we made it through the worst of the comas and finished out the week.
Year 5, Day 152: Reminding myself as much as I legitimately hate almost everything about my job right now, I hate self inflicted injury and being poor more. So don’t quit don’t quit don’t quit. All the department heads are frustrated, and demotivated, right now, and I can’t fix it for myself or for them. I didn’t cause it and it’s not my business to fix, but it’s so EXTRA frustrating that we’re all so unhappy. (Is the strength of my quittiness correlated with my lack of dog? Very possibly.)
Some of the fruits of my shopping spree have started to come in. The Vogmask is a nice alternative mask to have on hand. I’m still primarily wearing the flo-mask but there are times that it isn’t suitable. The IKEA delivery finally arrived so I organized the utensils drawer that has been annoying me for almost a decade. It’s really quite satisfying to see it nice and neat. It led to bagging up a lot of utensils for donation too, which is a good thing to do regularly. I’ll do a more thorough sweep of the plastic utensils that accumulate over time later this week.
Trainer time: this is the start of Week Six! I haven’t been able to do more than three consecutive workouts in more than 20 years and I have missed that so much. I’m not feeling any stronger yet, it’s much too soon for that, but I’m feeling that challenged feeling of striving for something harder than I can do right now without the usual getting knocked on my fibro/CFS ass follow-up and that’s really something. Week SIX. So planks are still harder than they have any right to be, but I’m enjoying the assumption that I will keep doing this and therefore eventually get stronger. The modified pushups and the lateral raises are still very satisfying.
Year 5, Day 153: My goodness the weather has turned. It’s viciously hot in most places but firmly turning into fall here. The heater went on this morning for a spell, I’ve been bumming around in sweatpants instead of shorts. The gloom was so close in that the curtains had to be drawn around 6 pm. I don’t mind exactly, it’s just that weird feeling of living in the shift. But also weather in general is just strange these days. Just last week we rode out a heat wave.
PiC had picked up a precooked Irish stew from Costco and it was perfect for tonight. Smol Acrobat was a bit of a butt about the potatoes but otherwise everyone else was happy with mopping up thick gravy with their carb of choice and the very filling carrots, potatoes and generous meat chunks. It’s probably just cheaper to buy this than to make it from scratch. It’s certainly easier!
Year 5, Day 153: Every morning, when I realize it’s not a “kid activities at the end of the day” I heave a sigh of relief. I’m so relieved that today is one of those. I have a list of things for JB to do when they get home and that’ll buy me a few hours of peace while they tootle around the house.
About five(?) years ago I had a massive allergy attack seeming bout of ridiculously obnoxiously persistent itching. My scalp was a mess. My hands and feet would sprout rash like patterns randomly. Allergy tests revealed no answers so the allergist advised me to stay on a very low dose of antihistamine daily ongoing once all the itching calmed down from the higher dose. A few months ago, having had no flare ups in years, I idly wondered if it had finally settled down enough that I could stop taking them but waved the question away. Long story long: I unintentionally forgot my antihistamine four nights in a row last week because I refilled my pill boxes incompletely and the answer is NOPE. I cannot stop taking them! It’s now been five+ days of non-stop itching even with 20 mg of antihistamine daily. What a terrible unforced error.
The California fire season feels like it’s year round nearly. There are three major fires that I’m aware of right now and at least one of them has forced evacuations of people I know. It was touch and go for the second group / fire but they said the evac orders were cancelled.
Yipes! I forgot it was still a trainer day until 10 pm. I got out of bed to finish the second half of my exercises. I wonder what the problem is with my brain. Originally to avoid setting off the fatigue and pain, we decided on an every other day schedule. The day immediately after I do a workout, I wish it was a workout day again. But the day after that, I forget that it’s a training day. This is consistent whether it’s a weekday or weekend. Maybe I should try four days in a row, ride the momentum? Or maybe two days, skip a day, then two days.
Year 5, Day 155: My Corelle order arrived! I’m a little iffy on the larger serving bowls we bought, they’re much bigger than I envisioned and where am I going to store them? But I am delighted with the little dip bowls and appetizer plates (my picks). Our prior set of dip bowls are down to 3 survivors out of …. 8? maybe? I remember the first one I broke about 8 years ago. Then I broke two more microwaving butter in them. The other 2 were someone else’s fault. The new little bowls are both microwave and dishwasher safe they are adequately protected from me. Not if I drop them, though, RIP first bowl. Originally I’d been yearning for a set of metal dip bowls – it’d take some real doing to break those! Sadly, the only set of metal bowls I liked was out of stock. Happily, Corelle came along with a 40% off Labor Day sale and that brought the price point down to a much more palatable range.
This also got me thinking about how it must be so American to think of holidays synonymously with sales. Do other countries do that nearly as much as we do? Surely not?
Also! I finally did my passport pictures! I have no idea if it’s any good, I can only hope. While I was at it, I did pictures for the kids and printed all that out as well to get moving on their passport applications. JB’s has expired and Smol Acrobat hasn’t had one yet so it’s time if we plan to try any international travel in the next few years. The State department claims that Oct-Dec is their slow period (low volume), let’s test that claim because I know of some people’s applications taking 6-12 months in the past year.
Year 5, Day 156: Oh my stars and garters, to quote the good Doctor Hank McCoy. It’s been a WEEK.
Lots of mutual aid this week. Friends with medical problems, cash crunches of the two digit to four digit varieties, evacuating the SoCal fires, Diane Duane’s book sale, and more. Also getting called on at the last minute to help a high schooler edit some writing. Once an English major, always an English major?
Nightmares every night leave me wrung out and exhausted by morning. Complaining about it at Bluesky caught the attention of someone with similar problems and they dropped me a line letting me know about a medication they’ve used to great effect for eliminating the nightmares. I immediately scheduled an appointment to talk to my doctor about it.
At work, a few small things slowed down just enough for me to catch my breath for a second, then I was pummeled with more personnel problems. It’s of the unfortunate event variety, not a performance issue, but I am going to fight to support and keep someone through a tough personal time. It’s going to land hard on my team but I will find a way to make it work. That’s the right thing to do. There are moments, especially when I hit the 10 pm still at my desk mark, when I wish I was willing to be mediocre at my job. I can draw some lines but that one, I can’t let go.