October 11, 2022
What would we do in retirement?
I’m thinking of the many pieces of an early-ish retirement puzzle as we wend our way in that general direction. This is a very long term work in progress. At a guess, we have ten more earning or accumulation years before we’ll be set. I’m definitely not focusing on an end point yet given the vagaries of the market and my own tendency to need to get to a goal, any goal, long before I’m due to arrive. Pretending we’re laughably far away helps mitigate my tendencies.
These posts are to help me ruminate because I won’t get everything all in one or even ten passes. It’s a good bet that my thinking will change over time, too.
I’m thinking about this in, of course, the form of lists.
– How do we get there?
– Where exactly is there?
– What will we do when we get there? (Probably most importantly)
How (much) do we save for retirement?
Correlated: how much will we spend?
What’s a “safe” withdrawal average rate for us? I don’t know what I’m comfortable with yet so I’m guesstimating 3.5%. I very much agree with Tanja’s thoughts that in general, the “safe” withdrawal rate suggests there is a percentage that we can always withdraw that will be fine and sustainable when in reality, it’s better not to expect level spending. That’s been borne out by my own personal experience of the past twenty years. Some of our increasing expense was down to improving our lifestyle baseline, allowing myself to spend on things that I couldn’t afford before.
Good and sufficient amounts of food, mental health care, physical health care, dental care, clothing that fits, making our home warm and dry, to name a few. This is different from true lifestyle inflation and setting higher anchor prices but I know there’s some of the inflation as well. Is having kids lifestyle inflation? It feels like it. Everything is more expensive with kids! They eat so much …!
I’m not comfortable with the fallback plan of popping back into the workplace if I took time off and it didn’t work out. My industry is conservative and small. The likelihood of an easy re-entry is miniscule. I only know one person who has lucked into a good return to the workforce in this industry since taking time off. Thus, I am loathe to make a plan that relies on going back to work as a failsafe, especially because my health won’t allow me to do what I had to do the first time around to prove myself. PiC’s preferred work and field is similar. There’s not a good reentry point for him when so many equally qualified and currently working people are vying for the same jobs.
While I want to do nothing but rest for a year, afterwards I’ll want to do something to generate income. Whether that desire bears fruit is a whole other story. None of my creative endeavors tend to generate much income.
Also, I don’t want to have to rely on that income. I want it to be bonus money, or else that’ll mean I traded a relatively secure consistent income for inconsistent income and a lot more stress.
My money questions:
- How much do we need for living expenses up to age 60 (covered by our brokerage accounts and short term money on hand)?
- How much do we need from age 60 on (covered by our 401k and IRAs)?
- How much is good healthcare and how do we find it (??!??!)
Definite expenses:
- Housing (plus taxes, insurance and maintenance)
- Transportation (plus maintenance and insurance)
- Healthcare – the biggest question mark of them all
- Travel and entertainment
- Kids – lessons, activities, sports (??)
- Food
- Utilities
- Clothing (minimal now, it’ll increase once the kids stop living in hand me downs)
I took our highest annual spending to roughly guesstimate how much we need to spend in the future without cutting back on our current lifestyle.
I want to plan for a moderate lifestyle: to have reasonable freedom of choice, the ability to buy anything we need, a few things we want, and give to others.
I’ve roughly outlined how much we need invested in two separate pots of money (the first two bullets above) and run several different calculators to validate my guesses.
Healthcare costs and education costs for the kids are still big blanks that I can’t fill in. A knowledgeable friend suggested that we budget $12k per year if we retire before Medicare and that both makes me faint and sounds realistic.
I don’t know what the kids will ultimately do for college. We just know we’ll have some money saved and plan to cashflow some expenses for them. They may still have to take some loans if they choose more expensive paths than we had budgeted.
We’re far enough away that I don’t have the information I’d need to fine tune the financial goals. I’m making minor adjustments here and there to focus intensely on investing in our brokerage and that’s good enough to worry on for a few years as far as money goes.
Am I missing anything big?
What does retirement look like for us?
I can spend my time figuring out what we plan to do with those reclaimed hours and years because I want to retire to something, not just drop work and then feel adrift if my hobbies alone aren’t fulfilling. Then again, I can’t imagine I have to worry about that TOO much for the next 15 or so years. Our kids are our biggest priority, and biggest expenses after housing, assuming they’ll have educational expenses. So their needs provide a soft landing for a transition. Then there are so many possible hobbies! I’ll dig into that later. For now, I’m enjoying the feeling of forming a structured plan even though dire warnings about the future are hard to shake.
Also, just a quick consideration of future possible expensive curve balls: I will continue working on my mental and physical health. That costs money.
Familial curveballs: I’m fairly sure PiC’s parent has enough money for their needs, they have an estate even if we don’t know the details.
I still feel like there’s another shoe that’ll drop on my side of the family but I’m doing my best not to think about my abusive parent or brother. It’s hard not to feel like there’s unfinished business there. I am glad to have laid the groundwork that I don’t have anything more to give them after they used me as a bank for so many years. They contributed significantly to destroying my health, without remorse or care for me, I don’t owe them one more cent. (Repeat repeat repeat, in therapy and out, since I obviously still feel some guilt over this. But I don’t owe them the rest of my health or life.)
My surrogate families are generally ok financially. My niblings are a vast group of kids and I plan to be modestly generous with them since there are so very many of them.
Alongside the structure and planning, though, is the realization that we have a long road ahead of us, both in getting to retirement and in spending time in retirement if we are lucky.
I want take advantage of this long path to do all the thinking and planning of what life after retirement might look like.
This got too long so I’m stopping here and picking up in a new post…
October 10, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 199: Another Monday at home with Smol Acrobat. Mondays continue to be the hardest day of the week. You’d think that would work for me. I prefer to get the hard stuff out of the way first. Maybe I should remind myself of this when the grumpiness meter rises.
*****
I was catching up on old posts this weekend and Hawaii Planner’s post reminded me of my first gift card snafu: Lack of organization is expensive. It was maybe ten years ago that I went to the trouble of buying $500 Costco gift cards to meet the minimum spend on a credit card bonus.
The gift cards were intended to cover gas and groceries at times that I wanted to keep our credit card bill down a bit, or just to have some non cash backup money in our wallets.
I didn’t have a good system in place back then and I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion that I didn’t fully use up all the cards and maybe ended up negating the bonus value we earned. Since then I’ve tended to stick with either physical cards that I label with a date and a balance or I add the gift card to my online account for the specific store. I only feel confident about the latter for some, larger corporate type, stores though. I lost $119 in Munchery gift card credit when they went under and I’m still salty about that. I regularly buy Target gift cards during their 10% off promotions which we use as gifts a lot and picked up a few Penzey’s gift cards when they have the $35 for $50 sale so I’m always open to better tracking systems.
Year 3, Day 200: The dawn came draped in a grey, gloomy, break out the puffer jackets, fog blanket that matches my cotton brain and mood perfectly.
I’m limping along on 2.5 hours of sleep today. My body had a bizarre reaction to absolutely nothing, acting as though I’d taken Serious Pain Meds. I hadn’t but most of the night was spent feeling drug-induced nausea sans drugs. I can’t express how very annoying that was! But I’m thankful that if it had to happen, it was before a daycare day so I had the option to find an hour or two to rest. Most days, that’s not an option at all.
Our unexpected half day power outage reminded me that we still need some things for (minor) disaster planning: a UPS for our modem and server, a backup battery for our garage door opener, and portable generator big enough to power our fridge/freezer for short periods if we have an outage for longer than five hours. That’s at least a couple thousand dollars or more in the case of the portable generator, but I’m hoping to spot a good sale. We already have a gas generator but it’s only safe for outdoor use. This graphic made me laugh. Yes, doubling and tripling your generators DOES create “even more power”.
Year 3, Day 201: I ran out of nesting on this comment thread at Nicole and Maggie and I was still pondering. Is there such a thing as an authentic or unauthentic life? My religion doesn’t say anything about it. I do think that our actions speak louder than our words. But I’m also not sure if I believe that we are who we act like we are, either. It feels too final. But maybe the idea isn’t that we’re immutably who we are, just that whoever we act like is who we are in that moment and if we choose to change, then that’s who we are.
Then again, my cotton brain has not improved since last night’s sleep was terrible too. I was adrift in what felt like a conscious sleep most of the night, so it’s possible my synapses are just not connecting.
*****
Three weeks ago I decided to start writing cards or letters regularly to an older friend who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. I don’t want to jinx myself but I’m now in the middle of my third letter. I’ve sent a letter once a week for two weeks now, and this would make the third. They’re utterly mundane letters but I hope they bring a touch of diversion in their boredom.
Year 3, Day 202: Massage day!
I spent 20 minutes clearing up emails and checking for critical stuff and then headed out for a session. It was both massage and brain therapy, my massage therapist and I had a wonderful conversation digging deeply into our behavioral patterns (perfectionism, dismissing and ignoring birthdays and anniversaries because we learned that we and our accomplishments weren’t notable, subtracting joy and substituting duty for it) and we have offered each other homework. She asked me to write a list of what used to bring me joy and what brings me joy today. In turn, I asked her to consider what she might enjoy in honor of her birthday. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about this as I mulled over my therapist’s suggestion that I’ve blocked much of what brings me joy because I don’t think I deserve it.
After getting home, I did get right to work as soon as I gathered up a nice snack for myself and realized: I normally wouldn’t even do this much because I’ve convinced myself that I don’t even deserve to eat or drink first. Wow this pattern runs deep.
Year 3, Day 203: A routine rapid test round turned up three negatives for the rest of us, and a faint positive for Smol. I’m starting to think they just don’t work for Smol. We took them for a PCR test and that turned up negative (thank you 2-hour PCR testing!) It’s baffling. But they ARE a bit sick. They have a runny nose, aren’t napping well, and seem to be running a temperature. Can’t really confirm that last so well, none of our three thermometers are behaving.
Which reminds me! Target’s running an early Deal Days thing and I have a list of non-essential things to buy. Some hangers, my supplements, the plastic bags for our storage space. I’m trying to balance what we need and not get suckered trying to meet the minimums on the Buy $50 of X and get $10 back deals.
We have our COVID boosters tomorrow, and three of us still need flu shots. PiC’s employer took care of his flu shot already. I meant to do our flu shots today and adult boosters tomorrow but Smol can’t and I shouldn’t if I’m also feeling unwell. Even if it’s not Smol’s viral thing bothering me, I’m rundown from this week’s inability to sleep.
I’m already taking a risk keeping our boosters appointments but we’ve waited weeks for these and I’m not willing to wait another 3-4 weeks for another appointment.
Also! I love Aliette de Bodard’s books and you may too!
October 3, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 192: Mondays are always hard with the combo of solo-parenting plus working but today my brain decided to up the ante with stress nightmares that woke me at 3 am and then the pain kicked in at high force so I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours. Ruff. PiC took the kids in the morning so I could rest a tiny bit longer at least. He also ended up staying home to help me get through the day.
*****
This post landing in my inbox was perfect timing. I’d recently gone through a pile of foreign currency and was pondering how to exchange it all: HOW TO EXCHANGE OLD BRITISH POUNDS FROM THE U.S.
I wonder if I can do the same with other foreign currency.
*****
Year 3, Day 193: A most annoying discovery: our wood underbed storage can’t be in contact with fabric or it’ll start to mildew. Mildew EVERYWHERE. I gathered all the jumbo bags that came our way over the years and put everything I’d begun to store there in sealed plastic bags, but it’s still not enough for that space to be truly useful. Grump. I avoid accumulating new plastic wherever possible but it doesn’t seem avoidable in this case. Either we don’t use the space I need at all or we buy more jumbo plastic bags. It’s not a tall space, it’s about 6-8 inches tall, so bins won’t fit. I’m sitting on a Target order in hopes there’s a better idea that will come.
***** (more…)
September 26, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 185: Today, the timing worked out better for me to take Smol Acrobat for their PCR test so off we went early to the test. I’d wondered how it’d go. They have been very resistant to nose swabbing for a few weeks and we’ve tried to help them by doing our COVID tests in front of them to pique their interest. They’ve been interested enough to ask to swab themself the last few days, so while they mildly objected to today’s test, they didn’t fight it. Whew. I also appreciated the person at the gas station who commented that the pump I’d pulled up to didn’t work, just wait a minute for him to finish, and the other person at the stop sign that waved me through when we arrived at the same time.
Tiny things but little pips of positivity that I’m absorbing to offset the day we have: COVID, early school dismissal, taking JB to a new afternoon class four days this week.
*****
“You really are insane, you know that,” Schmidt said, after a moment.
“I always think it’s funny when people get told what they are by other people,” Wilson said. “As if they didn’t already know.”
From Scalzi’s The Human Division. Sometimes we don’t, though! Sometimes we have buried our deepest selves under a narrative that we can live with because we’re not able or ready to face who and what we are yet.
Related to this: Sometimes the Okini coordinators say nice things when we finish up a complex family’s needs and it makes me feel guilty. Like, I shouldn’t be thanked. I shouldn’t do this for thanks! I don’t do it for thanks. But I don’t know why I feel guilty for unsolicited thanks.
*****
Year 3, Day 186: Smol was apparently exposed to COVID last week. Their 5 day testing date was on Sunday but because the hospital didn’t do any PCR tests on Sunday, we had to take it on Monday.
We lost a precious daycare day today because Smol’s PCR test results didn’t come back negative until the afternoon. Our back up plan, their morning RATs, came back with faint positive lines. Both of them! Argh. It was altogether strange, the testing situation, and quite annoying to lose a paid for daycare day.
*****
I had an unsettling thought today: Offline, I keep my complaints to myself. This was a defensive tactic. Sharing my discontent was a weakness that would be exploited by at least one asshole in my life (generally my brother). But what if not allowing complaints as an adult has meant depriving myself of even the notion that I could get help? This should have occurred to me much sooner given how, if I finally was overburdened enough to complain at work, my boss would only then actually KNOW that I needed help and offer support. Duh?
*****
Reading this book to Smol, I was struck by how much I hated this sentiment:
I deeply love and miss my quiet time during the day, when I’d usually get all my work and household management and money work done. I love my solitude, even as I love time with my family in non-pandemic amounts. But I hate the anticipatory feeling or expectation that once the kids have grown and left, I’ll feel empty and alone in a way that isn’t particularly happy.
I suspect my underlying fear isn’t that I’m not a full person without the kids, but rather I’m not a full person because of my limitations. The kids mask the real problem by keeping me too busy to care as much how broken and like half a person I feel. Bet you $5 that if I didn’t recognize this problem, I’d become that controlling parent that expects her kids to keep her fulfilled and busy because she can’t do that on her own. I know a few of those moms (who are much older and still don’t have lives of their own). I mostly see that in moms I know, because dads still get to have their own lives even if kids are in the picture and moms “have to” sacrifice everything, even their personhood, to motherhood. I don’t want that.
But it feels like I’ve lost much of it anyway to my physical limitations and that’s both sad and scary.
Year 3, Day 187: Smol Acrobat had a really good dropoff, no tears, just a little distress but a manageable amount. My heart feels so much less burdened by this. They’re (mostly) eating ok, they’re sleeping ok at night, and now they’re doing ok going to daycare. I’m so relieved!
*****
I’m pretty exasperated that apparently one of the places that we donated to must have sold our name and address, because we are now getting a new influx of Jewish and Israeli solicitations for donations.
I’m also exasperated that JB can’t come home from school and be NOT a pill more than two days out of the week. They didn’t even LIKE Monday’s self defense class that repeats today. We told them this morning that since they already had a clear preference for the Tuesday / Thursday class, we wouldn’t go to the Wednesday class. They agreed, especially since that meant freeing them up to go pick up Smol from daycare. And yet when I reminded them of this in the afternoon, I get a big dollop of attitude/whining. UGH.
I walked away after telling them to get their after school chores done, I’m taking some time and space before I really lose my temper. har-UMPH.
*****
Year 3, Day 188: A good day! PiC and I snuck away for an incredibly rare child-free outing. We explored the Ferry Building, always a favorite of mine, which has changed so much since the last time we were there.
We shared a dozen oysters and picked up an armload of goodies to bring home: empanadas, cheesecakes, porchetta sandwiches, and sous vide carnitas. I didn’t even stress about the $18 parking.
The weather was perfect. Sunny and warm and just a touch of a breeze. We were out exactly as long as I had energy for: about an hour. We came home to a surprise food delivery. More food!
We had to work, still, and did. But I also had a call with an old friend to catch up on their adventures, a tradition that goes back twelve years or so. Back then, she and PiC were two of three people who remembered my birthday. More people remember these days, including a few people I don’t particularly want to hear from, but I appreciate these deeply personal tiny traditions.
Year 3, Day 189: During Smol and my outdoor time, our neighbor and her puppy stopped by to say hello. The puppy has grown a lot! Also Sera came out for a romp. It’s amazing to see her interact with a puppy in a mature adult dog way. Such a fun way to start our day.
*****
TIL Smol Acrobat knows how to blow raspberries. I was the target of a massive series of raspberries attacks. They couldn’t stop giggling.
They’re also really taking to building blocks now. I was responsible for handing them blocks during their build period and quickly learned they have specific preferences for specific blocks for their building vision.
*****
Speaking of class and weirdness, it’ll never not be weird to me to hear JB talking to their classmates trading summer/winter vacation stories: Disney, Tahoe, Hawaii, Vancouver, etc.
Those were nothing but words to me at that age, not actual places that actual people could afford to go!
Also other things I overhear: I have 42 Hatchimals!
JB: I only have 1!
Classmate: WHAT?? YOU ONLY HAVE ONE??
*****
My entire body was lava muscles by the end of the night so PiC Hypericed the heck out of my back. Then we just laid on the ground for an hour talking about stuff. Birthday party logistics, my friend’s travel shenanigans, what the kids think of us, my therapy. We haven’t had time to just sit and talk like this regularly since COVID started. Conversations are squeezed in minutes here and there around the million other things that need doing. It almost feels weird but I’m glad we got that little respite.
September 19, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 178: My subconscious has been working overtime, throwing up increasingly worse scenarios in my nightmares. Is this a response to the global and the personal stresses all piling up?
Today’s nightmare was becoming paralyzed and having to cope with extreme loss of physical functioning while thinking about how keeping me alive and cared for would financially devastate my family. At no point in my nightmare did the thought that they might still want me around occur. I was wholly focused on the terrible consequences (mental, emotional, financial) of survival. Ugh. An extreme version of my life now, maybe this was my subconscious trying to pull the ripcord on all the therapy and restart my usual hypervigilance? I’ve been doing better at derailing that spiral consciously but the subconscious is powerful. Dear friend helped me short circuit the spiral by pointing out I could just as easily get hit by a bus and die suddenly as this happening. Weirdly, that worked.
Related fun: My eye started twitching on Friday and it hasn’t stopped. 🧐 Stress? Fatigue? Something else new?
Anyway today was a Mommy and Smol day. PiC had to work on site, JB had school, Smol doesn’t have daycare until tomorrow. Their rare late wake up was much appreciated as I was on Smol duty from 8:30 until they napped at 1. We did all the things: ran the vacuum, cleaned Sera’s ears, played outside, weeded, gardened, threw a ball for Sera, took her for a short walk, ate snacks and read some books.
Immediately after they settled in for a nap, I dashed through as much work as I could.
Our vacationing friend delivered surprise fresh caught, ready to cook, fish, neatly answering my question of “what other small thing should I add to this dinner of leftovers?” Breaded and air fried fish! Excellent. It hit the spot and by 650, my entire me was done done done. Such a high energy day.
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September 12, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 171: Monday holidays are weird. Nice, but weird. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not Sunday again, tomorrow will be Tuesday.
The weekend wasn’t meant to be a busy one but it turned out to be.
Flying high from my meal planning brain turning on, we invited our local food friends over for dinner on Saturday. That was fun and wiped me out just about completely. Sunday, PiC took JB out for an afternoon playdate that I missed because Smol Acrobat was sleeping so deeply. Just as well. I was still drained and I needed to work so that time was well spent at home huddled in my office.
Today, PiC had his morning run with his friends and then we went to see our long time friends in the afternoon which turned into a dinner with them. Almost like old times again. Also, I didn’t actually believe we’d be touched by the heat wave but it did come for us today, so thankfully, the friends we visited are the only ones we know with air conditioning. It wasn’t strategic! We didn’t know they had a/c until we were nearly there! But it was a lovely surprise.
We had to set up fans for everyone at bedtime, we were still feeling like we’d gone to bed in a convection oven. (more…)
September 5, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 164: I’m really glad that I’ve been putting some distance between myself and the family member I’d been helping out for years. After doing so much for so long, it started feeling less like family and more like being stuck on a hamster wheel of constant crises. I took some much needed time and some emotional space to decompress from that relationship and that was good.
Naturally, the other shoe dropped. They got in touch to share some news that I was not at all surprised by. I feel it was a terrible decision. But it’s done, it’s not my life, and it’s not my life’s purpose to rescue them (or anyone) from repeating past mistakes.
It’s good that because of the distancing, I didn’t witness the decision unfold in real time. I would have felt some duty to intervene but this way it’s much clearer to my sense of guilt that it’s not my business. Also, I hope I’m wrong that this wasn’t a terrible decision because they all deserve some good to happen.
*****
Frustrating COVID related chicken and egg situation: How does it make sense that the people I know who are most callous and most ignorant about COVID (of the “I took ivermectin and got better!” sort) are the ones who did get better? How does it make sense that the people I know who have taken all possible precautions (masking, vaccinated, boosted) get sick and can’t recover from Long COVID?
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