September 19, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 178: My subconscious has been working overtime, throwing up increasingly worse scenarios in my nightmares. Is this a response to the global and the personal stresses all piling up?
Today’s nightmare was becoming paralyzed and having to cope with extreme loss of physical functioning while thinking about how keeping me alive and cared for would financially devastate my family. At no point in my nightmare did the thought that they might still want me around occur. I was wholly focused on the terrible consequences (mental, emotional, financial) of survival. Ugh. An extreme version of my life now, maybe this was my subconscious trying to pull the ripcord on all the therapy and restart my usual hypervigilance? I’ve been doing better at derailing that spiral consciously but the subconscious is powerful. Dear friend helped me short circuit the spiral by pointing out I could just as easily get hit by a bus and die suddenly as this happening. Weirdly, that worked.
Related fun: My eye started twitching on Friday and it hasn’t stopped. 🧐 Stress? Fatigue? Something else new?
Anyway today was a Mommy and Smol day. PiC had to work on site, JB had school, Smol doesn’t have daycare until tomorrow. Their rare late wake up was much appreciated as I was on Smol duty from 8:30 until they napped at 1. We did all the things: ran the vacuum, cleaned Sera’s ears, played outside, weeded, gardened, threw a ball for Sera, took her for a short walk, ate snacks and read some books.
Immediately after they settled in for a nap, I dashed through as much work as I could.
Our vacationing friend delivered surprise fresh caught, ready to cook, fish, neatly answering my question of “what other small thing should I add to this dinner of leftovers?” Breaded and air fried fish! Excellent. It hit the spot and by 650, my entire me was done done done. Such a high energy day.
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September 12, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 171: Monday holidays are weird. Nice, but weird. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not Sunday again, tomorrow will be Tuesday.
The weekend wasn’t meant to be a busy one but it turned out to be.
Flying high from my meal planning brain turning on, we invited our local food friends over for dinner on Saturday. That was fun and wiped me out just about completely. Sunday, PiC took JB out for an afternoon playdate that I missed because Smol Acrobat was sleeping so deeply. Just as well. I was still drained and I needed to work so that time was well spent at home huddled in my office.
Today, PiC had his morning run with his friends and then we went to see our long time friends in the afternoon which turned into a dinner with them. Almost like old times again. Also, I didn’t actually believe we’d be touched by the heat wave but it did come for us today, so thankfully, the friends we visited are the only ones we know with air conditioning. It wasn’t strategic! We didn’t know they had a/c until we were nearly there! But it was a lovely surprise.
We had to set up fans for everyone at bedtime, we were still feeling like we’d gone to bed in a convection oven. (more…)
September 5, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 164: I’m really glad that I’ve been putting some distance between myself and the family member I’d been helping out for years. After doing so much for so long, it started feeling less like family and more like being stuck on a hamster wheel of constant crises. I took some much needed time and some emotional space to decompress from that relationship and that was good.
Naturally, the other shoe dropped. They got in touch to share some news that I was not at all surprised by. I feel it was a terrible decision. But it’s done, it’s not my life, and it’s not my life’s purpose to rescue them (or anyone) from repeating past mistakes.
It’s good that because of the distancing, I didn’t witness the decision unfold in real time. I would have felt some duty to intervene but this way it’s much clearer to my sense of guilt that it’s not my business. Also, I hope I’m wrong that this wasn’t a terrible decision because they all deserve some good to happen.
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Frustrating COVID related chicken and egg situation: How does it make sense that the people I know who are most callous and most ignorant about COVID (of the “I took ivermectin and got better!” sort) are the ones who did get better? How does it make sense that the people I know who have taken all possible precautions (masking, vaccinated, boosted) get sick and can’t recover from Long COVID?
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August 30, 2022
1. Being able to work off adrenaline.
There’s nothing like finding your second wind for shaking off feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and even rage. Your whole week seems to have gone sideways and downhill? Grab the dog and go for a run.
Not an option when your knees give out and you’re staggering home, clutching the dog’s back for support, after 100 meters. Both embarrassing and totally not uplifting.
2. Going carless.
Back in my college days and well into my first post-grad job, I shared a car with my parents. We’d work out a driving schedule where one parent would drop me at public transit, or a friend and I would carpool, and I’d pay for half the gas and parking.
If I wanted to pick up a food or a thing, I’d grab my flip-flops and trot over to the Target or Trader Joe’s a mile away. No problem.
This is both a physical health and a walk friendly neighborhood limitation.
3. Sleeping without incurring injury
My 40s may turn out to be a good decade but so far, peeking over the horizon, I’m not so sure about that. I can pull muscles in my sleep. I don’t think that’s entirely a fibro thing!
4. The innate trust that people are inherently good or caring
I’ve never actively trusted people but I passively assumed that people would do things like AVOID A PLAGUE. What a horrible way to be proven wrong.
My people are great. People in general? I dunno, man.
5. Loving food.
The endless drudgery of meal preparation in these past three years has done a real number on my enjoyment of planning, cooking and eating meals. It’s no fun anymore and many days I dread having to eat yet again. Give me a meal bar or a tablet or a drink and be done with it.
:: Anything y’all miss these days?
August 29, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 157: Monday. Ugh. I’m still trying to recover from the weekend. Our Saturday afternoon plan turned into an 8 hour affair late into the night. The kids had a ton of fun, and the adults were completely wiped out by the many extra hours on our feet.
We retreated, sweaty and tired, and regrouped at our place. We all had late drinks and dinner in our pajamas. I even tried a couple sips of White Claw. That went straight to my head, but it was tasty. Sunday I worked and rested, napped even, but it wasn’t enough. JB kept me up quite late because they were crying about Seamus so I had to soothe them until they could sleep. End result: starting the week like a couple sacks of bricks are tied to my ankles. What l a bad week for this. In addition to the usual school/work/Smol Acrobat/swim lesson juggle, we have an eye appointment for JB today, a big daycare orientation tomorrow, PiC has a dentist appointment and late Friday meetings, and I’m shorthanded at work. Whoof. I needed to be at what passes for my best. But we’ll do what we can.
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At breakfast, Smol offered me their banana: “biii?” (bite) and then wiped down the peel, my knee, and their foot with a napkin. Very kind, thank you for the help.
Unfortunately our usual morning yardwork had to be postponed because I’m still broken. This was a great disappointment to Smol. Fortunately PiC was able to stick around and spell me with Smol for a little while before he had to go.
We were wrong, btw, the car battery wasn’t fine. It had to be replaced today. We expected it would be $240 but there was some prorating that brought it down to $120. Yay/boo.
After they got to observe a battery replacement, I wrangled an overtired Smol down for an early nap. They were absolutely losing it because they didn’t want PiC to leave. Or just because. It’s hard to tell, really.
I’m grateful they took a solid nap. I desperately needed those hours of sitting down even if I was still working. I’d considered moving to the sofa for a more comfortable sit but it’s too hard to set up a useful work station there now. Our new sofa fits our small space and does the job but I really don’t enjoy it. A shame that our $200 Craigslist sofa was more my cup of tea.
Year 3, Day 158: We did some really satisfying weeding but it was too much, too soon. My muscles were quite angry at me. Then my whole body quit on me. Extreme fatigue took over. You know that feeling when you’re about to be overwhelmed by sleep and can’t hold it off? That plus a feeling of my whole body being smothered under 100 lbs of weight is what the extreme fatigue is like. It is awful. I had to call it quits on Smol-care earlier than usual and set up my invalid workstation on the bed for the day. This sucks.
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Smol’s development continues to entertain. It’s funny to see someone so little be so dialed into certain things like: we weed together in the mornings, the snacks live here so push the stool over to reach them, the dog gets these treats.
I’m enjoying our together time even when they pick a patch of weeds for us to tackle together. I do all the work and they carry the results to the compost.
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A local car dealership that PiC looked at recently is asking for a $1000 (unclear if refundable) deposit to be waitlisted for a new car for 12 months. !!!!
We need a lot more details and confirmation in writing that it’s refundable to even maybe consider this but that seems like a big risk to take for too long a wait. I don’t want to have to fight with them to get my $1000 back if they never turn up a car that meets our needs.
Have you ever had to leave a deposit to be waitlisted for a car without getting an actual order / car assigned with a VIN?
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This Avatar / Bronte mashup makes me laugh.
Year 3, Day 159: What a day. The school has started minimum days again, elevating Wednesdays to be neck and neck with Mondays for the worst/hardest day of the week. My body is still struggling today, though a little less since I didn’t foolishly do yardwork again. I did take Smol Acrobat for a walk from which I had to carry them home, kicking and screaming, though and that didn’t do me any favors.
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Most days I like my mundane life but I was struck today with a feeling like I’m not doing one damn thing that matters. Some of the malaise may be related to the number of meltdowns that Smol had today but I bet it’s more related to feeling like I’ve wasted my precious time. First, my computer scare this morning which directly led to me spending more than one precious hour setting up my backup computer and fighting with a few key functions not functioning. Then, a friend asked me to help them make a decision and it turned out to be a waste of time because they’d already had their mind made up and they failed to provide key information upfront. Then, least consequentially but just adding to the pile of “ugh waste” feeling, some people changed their minds about stuff at work and that meant everything we’d done on that project will have to be thrown out.
It’ll pass. I just hate when what little routine remains to me is overturned and even more hate when hard work is wasted. It feels like I poured myself out and it was all futile. Not cool
Also! The many many meltdowns and toddler whining wasn’t my favorite. Was JB this whiny and melty? I don’t remember if I ever had to work this hard for them to just get through a day. I could go through the archives to find out but the answer to that question isn’t going to make today any better.
Year 3, Day 160: I hope we always have a Zoom option for back to school nights. We were able to fit in swim lesson, making dinner, JB’s homework which required two calls to two aunties, and the back to school night all by 710 pm.
It’s been a hell of a day and I absolutely forgot to finish a couple important things at work but in the end, we got it done. Fewer days like this, though, please.
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We need a wider variety of delicious crunchy snacks for the kids that are actually healthy and low-mess (easy for Smol in particular to self feed in the car) but I’m starting to doubt that’s possible.
JB will eat crunchy veggies but Smol won’t. They just chew them up and dribble them back out. Gross. They only want nuts, raisins, and carbs. Maybe they’ll eat dried fruit… ? We’ll try that and see.
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Year 3, Day 161: Boy, my psyche is working overtime. This time it was all about being left, lost, late at night on a vaguely familiar college campus to find my way out to my best friend who could easily have driven up to pick us up but chose to park miles away. Not the most deep metaphor for feeling tired, and abandoned by people I trust. Whoof.
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Longest. Day. Ever.
I hate when Fridays act like Mondays.
Smol Acrobat was a hysterical mess to and from school dropoff, they didn’t want to walk a single step. They begged to be carried but I can’t carry them all that way, and you can’t carry them partway. Once you cave, it’s a whole thing of “don’t put me down!!!” Not that it’s better than the constant “pick me up!!!” demands.
My stomach has disagreed with every single food choice I’ve made all week and ramped it up this morning to stabbing pains just at the thought of food. Rude.
After we got through all that mess, I got bad scheduling news from one staff member and then a huge project of “bad news please fix it” from another. The latter is actually a huge problem. But I’m going to mentally reclassify it as a non urgent issue because it’s been broken so long.
We made it to mid-afternoon, when PiC doublebooked himself for a meeting and a tire repair. Whoops. He went ahead with the tire repair, taking the call while he was out, and then was trapped there for the next five hours. His appointment was at 3 and they didn’t get to our car until 8 pm. Thankfully the kids were in great moods and played well the whole time but wow what a day. WHAT a DAY.
August 22, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 150: PiC got JB a slot in the local swim classes for the fall! It was a highly competitive registration process. 6 am on a Monday morning is just inhumane. I loaded him up with all the step by step instructions the night before and he got up predawn to make it happen. We lucked out, he had everything fully prepared and there were more slots at the lower level. JB has been going to a private swim program that costs $60 PER LESSON (vs $60/8 lessons) 💀 and they refreshed lost skills and added new skills the instruction these past two months has been so hit and miss. They started placing kids in JB’s higher level classes who hadn’t mastered the very basic level’s essential skills, they were passing JB on skills they most definitely hadn’t acquired yet. I’m glad JB is back in the water like a fish (temperament wise) but they need consistent instruction that doesn’t just pass them on skills. I am not paying an arm and a leg for the appearance of ability!
This makes me wonder what their problem is: poor instructor training? A mistaken belief parents just want to see progress whether or not it’s real? Bad communication across the program?
I also did some initial research into some weekday self defense programs for JB.
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Someone tweeted this Budget Bytes recipe (ONE POT LEMON PEPPER CHICKEN WITH ORZO) which sounded better than the dinner from the freezer we’d planned. I throughly borked it since I had neither lemon pepper, orzo, or parsley. I used ground lemon peel with garlic powder (Penzey’s!) and ditalini. Nothing quite worked as it would have if I’d stuck to the recipe’s main ingredients. By the time I was done, I was pretty sure the chicken noodle soup I’d renamed it was inedible. I set it aside on the stove to cool and walked away. Oddly enough though, after it had soaked up an unreasonable amount of broth, it wasn’t half bad. Not good, but not bad.
(Thread) Here is a list of extremely easy ways to improve your day that everyone should know about:
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August 15, 2022
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 3, Day 143: This bit resonated so strongly with me from: Laziness Does Not Exist; But unseen barriers do
“She was busy with therapy and switching medications, and all the side effects that entails. Sometimes, she was not able to leave the house or sit still in a classroom for hours. She didn’t dare tell her other professors that this was why she was missing classes and late, sometimes, on assignments; they’d think she was using her illness as an excuse. But she trusted me to understand.
And I did. And I was so, so angry that this student was made to feel responsible for her symptoms. She was balancing a full course load, a part-time job, and ongoing, serious mental health treatment. And she was capable of intuiting her needs and communicating them with others. She was a fucking badass, not a lazy fuck. I told her so.”
I hesitated to disclose my physical illness to any bosses for exactly the same reason: fear I’d be seen as my illness, fear I’d only be judged by my worst days. I’d seen this happen over and over for other people making mistakes, why wouldn’t it happen when I had a mysterious health condition that didn’t even yet have a name?
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This Monday is especially hard. Two kids home with me, PiC working on site, my work carrying on as usual, a school Zoom conference in the evening at dinnertime.
My stress levels are peaking: school starting soon, we’re making an attempt to register JB for much in demand swim classes at the local pool (cross your fingers for us, please?), Smol Acrobat’s daycare to start in less than a month has me entirely frazzled.
I’m worrying about disease, of course (all of which Smol will bring home to me), and Smol’s experience. I really hope they are open to being social with the teachers and kids at daycare without us. I hope they don’t have separation anxiety every dropoff like some of the kids I remember when dropping off JB. It broke my heart when those little toddlers were released by their parents who had to go. The sobbing little bundles would crawl up on my lap, any lap would do at that point, for comfort. JB, across the yard playing while I sat there patting little Toddler’s back, would occasionally notice I was still there and wave but otherwise they were happily busy. I hope for an experience closer to JB’s for Smol.
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This frog made me smile but I looked at it too long and now I’m mildly creeped out and I do not know why:
Year 3, Day 144: My subconscious is really flipping after seeing my family. I’ve had family related dreams for a solid week; last night it was my big cousin telling me he’d buy my books at the bookstore and desperately trying to pick a second book in time, only to fail and find out I’d missed dozens of text messages from friends expecting me at a funeral I was now late for. I have no idea how to unpack this latest.
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This article struck so close to home: Bad science misled millions with chronic fatigue syndrome. Here’s how we fought back
I’ve been fighting with CFS for ten years and didn’t really know what it was until last year. Without knowing about the PACE study, I replicated their theories in my life, assuming I just needed to build up my stamina by forcing myself to get out and exercise regardless of how I felt. The results were generally consistent: when I didn’t feel up to it, it made me feel worse. When I did feel up to it, I came back more tired. That elusive second wind I remembered from my teens after a good run never occurred. This past summer it finally struck me that maybe it’s a one way street between my fitness and my health. Meaning: even if I am fit in the sense of being capable of the walking, and have stamina, that still doesn’t help when my health is damaged. On a poor health day, I gasp for breath with every step and on an ok health day, I can walk without too much effort. My stamina is always impacted by my health and not the other way around. I always blamed myself for being out of shape but it makes more sense that it’s simply not how I can function with CFS.
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Related: it’s kind of a bummer that last week and this week have been every bit as hard, and more, as I was braced for.
I was hoping to be proven wrong. But I’m absolutely dragging after 7 days of JB home during the workday plus Smol Acrobat at full steam and lots of days where PiC wasn’t around for Smol support.
JB goes back to school tomorrow. I hope that’s going to be a net gain for me in terms of energy.
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This is so cool!
Year 3, Day 145: Yuck. I felt like garbage this afternoon. I don’t know what’s up with my electrolytes but the more water I drank, the worse I felt. I snacked a lot too, for the salt, but it didn’t do the trick. The full body weakness and nausea segued into a pounding headache by dinnertime. Bodies. So unreasonable.
OTOH, at dinner, Smol ate a whole slice of pizza with most of the toppings for the first time! Normally they reject everything but the crust so I’d feel terrible about their lack of nutrition but today was a relatively decent food day. They had oatmeal, granola and raisins for breakfast, yogurt for snack, fried rice for lunch, and pizza and grapes for dinner with minimal food waste and minimal coaxing. It’s generally the food waste that gets my goat, and the exasperating rapid fire rejections of any and all foods on offer, just eat something! I’m partly worried they’ll wake up unbelievably early hungry but also just generally annoyed by the experiment. There was less of both today.
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This tweet led me down an interesting path of rain garden and conservation links. Not that I have time for it right now but it’s good to know.
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It’s striking and scary for my version of ME/CFS to only be considered mild. I’ve definitely lost more than 50% of my function and that’s only MILD.
Year 3, Day 146: As much as I enjoy the ritual of back to school shopping, this article wasn’t us this year. At least not for JB. It helps of course that only one of ours is school age right now. Our spending will probably look different in five years. The majority of school shopping we did was for our Lakota folks and for local schools: Back-to-school shopping takes ‘a major financial toll’ amid high inflation. Here’s how to save on supplies for the fall
Our own school runs a huge fundraiser annually and pays for all the school supplies out of that pot, so the teachers ask parents to supply a small list of optional items. This year that list is: tissues, paper towels, wipes and prize items. That approach does seem more sensible. They can shop the sales and buy in bulk all at once.
We did buy JB a lunchbag this year, and they’re reusing a backpack that they were gifted two years ago.
On the other hand, having saved on the school supplies (minus the $150-200 contribution we’ll make the school’s various fundraisers), we’re spending on my old car next. The battery is shot(?), one tire has a slow leak, and we need a battery backup thing. We borrowed a friend’s trickle charger and used it to confirm our alternator isn’t bad. I’ve been on the hunt for a jump starter for a few months. I wonder if they might also have a trickle charge function because that’s handy at home. I think we can have EITHER a trickle charger OR a jump starter, though. I suppose we do the former for home and the latter for the road?
Update: the car battery is not shot. Yay! The trickle charger finally revived the battery enough to be usable again.
Year 3, Day 147: Sera made a local friend! She got to play with a puppy that was just adopted by our neighbors. It was great. Also I got puppy kisses so life felt pretty good.
While it was a happy morning treat, we’d also gotten out the door really early for school drop off. It was an hour of socializing by the time we detached from the multiple people we encountered after dropping JB off. That’s about 45 minutes too much for me mentally and physically first thing in the morning. The next two hours of Smol time were the longest hours of my life. Excruciating. I had to stay conscious and upright, and get them into their crib for their one nap of the day so that I could then cram in a full day of work into their unconscious period. Phew. Struggle.
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I’ve been muddling around in my feelings a LOT lately.
The first week of school is done as of today annnnnd we also just got our first COVID exposure notice. It’s been three days with no pooled testing and no mask mandate. Who’s surprised? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Other things pushing my anxiety buttons deet-doot-deet: Smol’s upcoming daycare start and related separation anxiety. We have to put together daycare approved supplies: toothbrush, sunscreen (nut free which, for some reason, includes coconut even though I have argued for four years that coconuts aren’t actually nuts), boots, hat, blanket, water bottle … what else? I don’t want to wait until the week before and scramble to get their things together.
Holiday planning because I already have to be working on ALL THAT right now and it’s hugely complicated.
I need to make some packing cubes and need to buy super long zippers. This isn’t actually stressful. I simply lack the decision making power by the time I get to this end of the list to actually do the thing.