December 29, 2020
Week 40 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 40, Day 277: I’ve been feeling like a horrible mom to JB lately. I’m so distracted and preoccupied by: work, Smol Acrobat’s needs, my needs, my fatigue and recalcitrant body that I simply haven’t spent any time with them. I still parent – direct activities, I discipline, I coordinate schooling and tutoring and advocate for them when needed. But actual time together, just being together? Has not happened in weeks. Maybe months. I don’t even know.
They have always been more PiC’s kid than mine for the fun stuff. They are very accustomed to me needing to work at home in a way that they still aren’t with PiC, and it’s not working mom guilt that I’m muddling through. It’s guilt for not having anything left in the tank for fun and enjoying life with them after subtracting all the stressors of the pandemic and household management and caring for everyone’s needs and logistics.
Most of the time I think they couldn’t care less if I’m around as long as they have PiC. They walk the dogs together. They paint and draw and read and gallivant. They prepare coffee and lunch and goof off together. I’m not really a goofing off personality that way. They’re at a 9 on the Silly Scale while I won’t go near a 1. But I still feel bad for not engaging in those rare times they ask me to because I just don’t have any interest in anything in those moments.
There’s a touch of depression at play there along with very real fatigue and overwhelm.
I hope this will pass. I’m pretty sure I am doing my best and they know they’re loved.
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December 21, 2020
Week 39 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 39, Day 270: I enjoyed reading Jessica’s How to Cope (and Hopefully Even Thrive) in Times of Disaster. I’ve been doing financial stress testing since 2018 in preparation for a recession and other Bad Times:
This exercise didn’t specifically take illness into account but that has always been in the back of my mind as a fourth scenario that I’d have to cover – what we should do in case one of us (most likely me) became unable to work and earn income. I just didn’t outline it in my list back in 2018 because I wasn’t ready to wrap my head around a prolonged term of illness for any one of us.
And along come a pandemic. *facepalm*
I am grateful that I stuck to the year of cash equivalents in the bank. That really helps my sense of anxiety. I find myself wanting more but that’s my old friend hypervigilence talking. I’m getting better about that – I can see that that’s the fear brain worrying itself to bits and not a logical need, but it’s still there.
Also, it’s time we finalized our last year-end donations! We need to do this now!
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December 15, 2020
Week 38 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 38, Day 263: A friend mentioned it was a good time to do the Mins Challenge again – where each day you get rid of the same number of things as the day of the month it is. So December 1, purge 1 thing, December 2, purge 2 things and so on.
I love all motivation to purge and declutter but I never feel like that particular challenge works the way I work. I wish it did. I love the idea.
But I am a clean in spurts sort. I tend to go weeks and then burst out in a flurry of cleaning and decluttering. I’ll stick with what works for me and cheer on everyone else with their version of the Mins Challenge.
Week 38, Day 264: Our neighbors are being deeply frustrating and I am reminded of the one reason living in a suburban neighborhood sucks. People. I can’t stand people.
***
I am still baffled by the market that just keeps going up and I wonder why I’m taken aback by it. Probably because it’s so dissonant with the deadly pandemic going on. I have to keep gritting my teeth and putting money in the market because waiting for it to go down and make sense is a losing strategy (I am guessing. Aren’t we all guessing?).
Week 38, Day 265: I don’t know why I forgot to check whether Carter’s would deliver to a PO box, but I did forget and placed an order for curbside pickup for our Lakota Family. Um, hello, they DO deliver to PO boxes and this will save precious space in the flat rate box I am working on packing up for the family with postpartum and other new baby goods that we have on hand which can’t be shipped direct from a store. Thank goodness PiC reminded me to double check that. We sent the warm clothes and blankets using free shipping direct and saved ourselves an errand (and exposure to humans).
Week 38, Day 266: It’s that time of year when unanticipated boxes start showing up on our doorstep and I get to be curious what they’re going to be when I see tracking information in the Informed Delivery update.
There are a few more than usual this year since we won’t be seeing family and friends for the holidays.
I’m doubly glad that I’ve completed nearly all our holiday stuff. There remains just one set of gifts to wrap and deliver for local friends.
We did an Advent Calendar for jams this year, it’s our first one and we’re already behind on opening one a day. You wouldn’t think one ounce of new jam a day would be a challenge to work through but here we are, suppiled with enough jams to
Week 38, Day 267: I’m trying my darnedest to look at the neighbor conflicts as a short term annoyance. It might be more difficult because I’m physically and mentally exhausted, each bit of aggravation is amplified by a lot more than it might normally be. But it’s also difficult because they keep coming up with new reasons to pick fights. If we can just get the last details squared away, we can hopefully not speak to them again for the next ohhh forever.
The whole thing came about because of a misunderstanding. We had no way to know it was a problem until it was too late, and they are absolutely dedicated to making it be our fault instead of finding a way forward that we’re both ok with. Their attitude has made an unfortunate situation far worse than it has to be. They’ve also been petty and rude about every single detail despite our best efforts to remain neutral and polite.
I hate people so much.
I never thought that the pandemic isolation would feel insufficient. I want to put up ten foot walls and a moat and never talk to people again after dealing with these rude and nasty neighbors. And this is even despite PiC taking point on nearly all communications with them to spare me the angst. Grrrrr.
Caveat: I’m pretty sure my reaction encompasses all that remembered frustration with the previous horrible neighbor situation. I probably shouldn’t be trying to up stakes and move based on this one set of interactions.
:: Do you have good neighbors? Do you know where I can find some?
December 7, 2020
Week 37 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 37, Day 255: I wanted to support a local bakery for our holiday meals. I found one nearby and we ordered two large pies. The online order form offered free delivery to locals but we couldn’t pick a date or time at the time of ordering, we had to call to arrange that. We asked for a delivery well before the holiday, to avoid a rush right before Thursday, but that’s when things got odd. We agreed to a late afternoon delivery. That evening I got a message asking (basically): you want the pies or what?
I called back ten minutes later and the guy said he had already gone home. He was willing to go back to the shop if we wanted them tonight, though. Erm. Yes, that’s why we set up a delivery timeframe and date? Please, my pies…
He then started debating when would be best and kept asking for directions which confused me. Surely you have a method of getting directions based on the address provided when offering a delivery service?
Then he decided that he had to charge me a delivery fee of “only” $15 (just about the cost of a pie) in addition to the prepaid pies. I … What? When he finally showed up, three calls and more than an hour later, he said that they couldn’t charge our card we’d previously used before to pay the delivery fee. We’d have to go order $15 worth of product on the site instead… and not pick it up. This whole experience was deeply confusing.
To top it off, the pies weren’t even as good as your average grocery store quality.
We had Thanksgiving Round 1 and most if it was delightful with one exception. I am really glad we chose to order in this year. We were in no shape at all to cook and bake and cook and bake.
Week 37, Day 256: Every so often I wonder if I remember what I’m aiming for with our hopes of early retirement (along with CAN we do it?). Sometimes I wonder if I’m motivated solely by a crankiness that comes with dealing with selfish or incompetent people too often (I am), or what I would DO. But Mr. 1500’s summary of their version of early retirement with two kids helped remind me My retirement is an expansion of everything I used to do on weekends.
This feels a lot like what I’m seeking. There’s the from the negative space creation which means removing the requirement to report into a set obligation for five days (or more) a week to generate income. Then there’s the desire for freedom to do what I would normally choose all week long, not just on the weekends. More reading. More cooking. More dog time. More cleaning of the sort that I enjoy. Maybe not more long term commitments? But I seem to be incapable of not creating projects for myself…. and honestly that should be fine because I care about those projects but necessarily limit them when 40-50 hours of my life a week are committed.
Week 37, Day 257: It’s always confusing to me why contractors or subcontractors who are doing work for you don’t bother to tell you when they’re not going to show up for the day. I find it infinitely more annoying that they didn’t inform us they weren’t coming so we wouldn’t wait on them than the fact they didn’t come. That’s so inconsiderate!
***
I have been consuming excessive carbs and sugar this indulgent week, but I’ve also been extra sleep deprived and working harder than usual, so it’s a tossup whether my hands are swollen because of overuse or because of what I’m eating.
Week 37, Day 258: We ate Thanksgiving leftovers again for actual Thanksgiving Day. I have no regrets. Except maybe for the pies. Maybe I would have paid extra for another type of pie from Mariposa Bakery instead. We won’t be ordering from this bakery again though, I know that much.
Week 37, Day 259: I spent a few minutes browsing Black Friday sales but mostly wanted to focus on shopping from small businesses if we bought anything. I’ll decide tomorrow if there’s anything we particularly could use.
Bookshop.org has free shipping all weekend too so that’s something I might want to check out. But I am pretty much done with holiday gifts so this would be gratuitous shopping…
:: How was your week?
November 30, 2020
Week 36 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 36, Day 248: I can’t believe that I made it to 7 pm without needing to cuss out someone at work. That’s a first for all Mondays nearly this entire year. Here’s hoping that it isn’t just deferred to tomorrow though I know there’s one specific email that’s going to piss me off when I get around to it.
We had homemade meatballs and sauce from last weekend ready to go for lunch today, and leftovers from yesterday’s Japanese curry dinner was our dinner tonight so on the meals front, we were very pleased with not having to think very much about it. JB doesn’t actually like eating the meatballs very much but they love making them so I promised they could make the next batch.
PiC did the Costco run this evening to make sure we’re stocked up on staples as we see the curve of COVID cases start to trend upwards again. Brave soul. He brought me the large bag of clementines I was craving.
Our Penzey’s gift cards arrived today! I’m gifting one to a friend and this will complete the last of the holiday gifts I intend to deal with this year.
Week 36, Day 249: I caved over the weekend and decided yes, we should order in our Thanksgiving meal this year. I’m just too tired to cook our usual feast which I normally love to do.
PiC would happily volunteer to do all the cooking and then end up stressed, and grouchy in the kitchen trying to do all the recipes I have practiced but he has not all these years and no one would have a good day. He can and does cook just fine but the pleasure of creating a full Thanksgiving meal is something I’ve hogged to myself making it all unfamiliar territory for him. I’d rather spend the money and order in this year so we can all take some time to just be together and rest and not have us be a play of one harassed parent and one harassed cook.
I texted a friend for a referral code to Good Eggs which gave us $25 off for our dinner. That covered all the fees off the five dish order. It’s definitely too much food but I don’t care, we’re going to enjoy those leftovers! We also ordered a pie from a local bakery.
What are your favorite Thanksgiving foods? Did you enjoy any of them this year?
Week 36, Day 250: We’ve been avoiding people as usual but because of the yardwork, PiC has been exposed to people who aren’t masking properly when they’re talking to him. Our GP was happy to set up a COVID test for him and since he mentioned I was also not feeling 100%, she went ahead and set me up with a test order too. I love our GP.
We can’t be seen until the weekend, which is fine, I’m just grateful we don’t need to jump through a million hoops to make a test happen. It should be this easy for everyone.
Week 36, Day 251: February 1st was the last time we dined out at a restaurant, and March 7 was the last time we attended a social event with friends. It’s really weird to think about those specific dates as lasts this year. We barely remember what happened in January. We have no real anticipation of when we’ll be able to do any of those things again either. It’s such a weird time right now.
I still get travel deal emails and while I am absolutely not getting on a plane in the foreseeable future, I had a moment of wondering: what fabulous luxury vacation would I want to take in the far off future when that kind of thing is possible again?
Pre-COVID, I hoarded points and miles for a possible fantasy trip to Japan for a few weeks. I wasn’t sure how I’d make that happen but I wanted to have the points and miles to burn. I’d imagined we would eat our way around the country, meeting up with some friends in the cities and outlying countryside. I really do travel on my stomach. Now it just feels like getting as far as being on the plane safely would be a big accomplishment and adventure!
But maybe we could go somewhere balmy and warm and islandy with cocktails and the ocean and time to just read and be. Well, no, that’s not going to be how our vacations look for a very long time with two kids in tow but maybe something LIKE that is vaguely possible.
Do you have any travel yearnings right now?
Week 36, Day 252: I do not have Zoom fatigue the way most people have it. I have too many calls with humans fatigue which is a far bigger circle. I also have people fatigue. Because we don’t have enough to do, we need to spend time fixing the FSA account allotment. We checked on our options since we cannot use up the remaining balance and at the end of that conversation, they were told to leave it alone for now.
Naturally someone then decided to take the initiative and changed our election amount to an arbitrary new dollar amount that’s less than the amount already approved for payment this year. Not helpful!
:: How was your week?
November 23, 2020
Week 35 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 35, Day 241: I’m still slightly stunned that the election was called for Biden. I spent all last week doing my best not to think about it, not allowing myself to doomscroll as usual, and it helped keep me focused even if my anxiety was still keeping me on edge.
Now we have to fight for Georgia if we want to have a hope of a functioning government for the next four years. It would be terrible to be stuck with a Republican majority Senate and Mcconnell at the reins for another Presidency. There are so many ways he’s obstructed governance and I can’t bear to think of what further harm he has up his sleeve.
Week 35, Day 242: Confession. I had a plan to invest every Tuesday this year, rain or shine, market high or market low. What’s the opposite of a slam dunk on that? I did that instead.
At first I had a good reason: I was watching the winds of COVID and the economy, and decided to bulk up our cash to cover the rental as fast as I could. That required a pause on our plans to buy every week.
But then the market gyrations were plain weird and I hadn’t formed the habit of ignoring them yet as far as buying. I’m great at not selling. I’m absolutely awesome at that. But buying when the market is up? I’m not good at that. Yes, this smells like market timing. I have a little trouble with that!
So with this confession, even though the market is up, I’m making myself go back to my Buy on Tuesdays schedule this month. There’s not much of the year left but I had transferred a decent chunk of change to our brokerage earlier this year to force the issue and will keep on investing from that.
Week 35, Day 243: Our sofa! It has arrived! We have been without a sofa for a little over a month, I think? And I really did not like that time. I’m so glad I will have a sofa to rest on, even if it’s a compromise sofa. We had to get the one that would get here before Thanksgiving and fit our living room. We had to give up on the color and exact style we wanted.
Also construction has started and that’s going to be a trial on our nerves but if we are lucky and all goes well, we will have resolved at least some part of the moisture and mold problems we’ve been fighting and even maybe have a usable portion of the backyard before the end of the year. Hope hope hope.
Week 35, Day 244: Before my internal screaming reached a peak, I made myself stop working at noon and go for a walk. That was wise but I think the wiser thing to do would be to STOP ADDING THINGS TO MY TO DO LIST.
Can we do this? Is it possible?
(I don’t know.)
Week 35, Day 245: I was so relieved for Friday even while I was annoyed at how much work was still on my plate. Ah well.
We’d had my yummy low sugar low carb cheesecake every night this week and finished it today. That’s going to make for a sad dinner tomorrow when we’re all out of dessert. I’m tempted to make another one but if I do, I should probably freeze half of it so we don’t eat it five days a week again. I’ve contemplated making it in two smaller Pyrex containers instead of a regular pie pan to make it easier to store the second one.
JB has been getting into the Octonauts show and dammit if “Creature Report” isn’t stuck in my head on repeat. Help. Me.
:: How was your week?
November 17, 2020
Week 34 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Week 34, Day 234: I had a completely horrible night of sleep because of course that’s how you want to start a week that’s already going to be rough.
This recipe for Slow Cooker Meatballs in Tomato Sauce didn’t have wonderful reviews but it seemed good enough and we happened to have ground beef, ground turkey, and the other ingredients on hand so I tackled it first thing this morning. It just made sense to start early in the day so I could space the steps apart enough to not completely exhaust myself.
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