March 28, 2009
There are a billion and one articles in the pf blogosphere on saving (or not) money when planning a wedding. That’s not what this is about. I’ve linked to a few of the more recent conversations, some controversial, some not, about weddings below if you want the juicier stuff.
I’ve put weddings out of my mind for the foreseeable future, but my family has a few cultural traditions that amuse me. I’m opting out of most, but they’re still fun to editorialize on.
1. Invitations: Seeing invitations on the kitchen table is what prompted this post. In all the ways money is saved or spent in wedding planning, the bride and groom can count on the clumping of families to save on mailing costs. They pick one person who can be relied on in each branch of the family, and send all the invitations in bulk to that one person. Cost of sending ten invitations to my family for distribution: $1.85. I’m betting there aren’t even RSVPs in there because they depend on the family grapevine to deliver that news since people are terrible about RSVPing. (This would drive the plannerly side of me insane.)
2. Wedding gifts: We’re Asian. We give cold hard cash, enough to “cover” the plate just means about $50/person, now. My family does not impose this expectation on guests from other cultures, so you can invite your bosses, coworkers or other ethnically inclined friends without having to shun them afterward for improper gift giving. (There’s never a registry though, so that doesn’t make it easier on the non-family guests.) Anyway, as my parents explained it, there are two parts to the traditional wedding, and the money involved.
3. The morning ceremony: This is the “religious” part of the wedding, generally only family and very close friends are invited to this session. Most of my family is Buddhist or just observe Confucianism, so it involves the groom’s family bringing the representative symbols of the bride’s dowry in the form of a roast pig, fresh fruit, and bottles of wine or liquor. Also, jewelry for the bride. I know it’s awful, but it’s one way to see how much the groom’s family likes the bride. If they break out awesome sparkles, they love you lots. If the necklace and earrings are lackluster, watch out, your in-laws are not cool with the marriage (or you). Good time to find out, eh?
At the tea ceremony, the red envelopes stuffed with cash are presented to the bride and groom as the new couple share a cup of tea with the guest. A rule of thumb: the older the guest, the closer the relationship, the more money you’re expected to fork out. My parents had to give her siblings upwards of $500-$700 each, back in the day, in addition to paying for parts of the wedding. Then again, we don’t keep track of who gave what (I don’t think we do). It’s all put into a bag or basket anyway, so if the guest wants to remain anonymous, that’s fine.
Traditionally, the bride’s family hosts this part of the day, and serves lunch to all the guests. The bride’s parents get to keep all that money from the morning ceremony. It’s “repayment” for all the weddings they attended in the community. I always wondered what the groom’s parents got their share. If everyone followed these rules, they seem to get gypped.
4. The evening portion is the reception. Guest lists can easily surpass 400-500 people if you’re so inclined, and with an extended family like mine, we could fill that many seats on my side alone. Again, the gift expectation is cash, but the bride and groom get to keep that money. It usually goes towards covering the cost of the wedding, reception, etc. Some people, in Eastern European countries or Asian countries, actually plan to make money off their wedding. It’s part of their accepted cultural practice, and it’s all very interesting to see that kind of planning. One girlfriend used to call me and tell me in hushed tones what her brother in law was doing this time to minimize expenses and maximize profits from his upcoming wedding. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard my uncle dismiss my wish for a small wedding to reduce costs, “Pf, why make it small? To save money? Don’t worry! Invite everyone you want, the gifts will help pay for the wedding.”
Well, no. *shrug* I hate being the center of attention, and my guests are not cash cows so the whole thing is not my bag, but I know they think I’m being silly. Shhh, they don’t know that if I’m getting married, I’m doing it my way!
5. Thank yous: If you’re going totally traditional, you don’t send thank you cards. Most weddings will have photographers taking your photo with the couple at the reception’s receiving line, and some will print those out for you to take home. Just like Medieval Times.
Makes sense, if everyone gave you cash. What would you say? “Dear Auntie, thank you for the lovely $200, we’ll display it on the mantle”? “It’ll be a great part of our down payment”? I’m kidding, of course you could write a lovely thank you note for their attendance. Really, the potential anonymity of the gift-giving plays into this part of the tradition, as well as the usually outsized guest lists that can frequently include more than 100 guests you’ve never met or haven’t seen since you were three. It happens.
Oh, and the photos have a “thank you for attending” printed on them. Sooo … free pass! 🙂
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Obviously, all of these little traditions and accepted practices are specific to our family. The reason they “work” is because most weddings are still considered formal affairs that include negotiations, love match or not. Weird? Yeah. Definitely. But it does makes sense to discuss all the expectations when there’s obviously so much emotion, time and money invested. From my parents’ generation, I’ve even witnessed the debates over acceptable negotiators! My dad was frequently requested as a go-between for the bride or groom, to speak on their behalf to the other side’s parents and work out the details of how the wedding would be handled, so I heard more about the nuances than most kids.
Still, I’d like to make my own path because after being involved in so many traditions, it feels like a bit of an ordeal. I want to be able to sit and talk with my family and friends, and know that the people attending actually cared. Bratly it may be, I’ve paid my family dues so I’d like to have a bit of fun for my wedding.
Wedding talk
Paranoid Asteroid: 10 frugal things I’m not doing for my wedding
When people ask how you can spend $30K on a wedding…
March 12, 2009
Under what circumstances would you feel comfortable accepting monetary assistance?
I was recently asked, why, if the benefactor was willing and able, can I not accept help? That question meant monetary help, and that’s a critical difference from all other kinds of help, so that’s the part we’re going to address today.
During a conversation about the economy, the state of my career, and rather justifiable (in my mind) anxiety that I might be flat broke 12 months from the date I’m laid off, this rather potent question was asked. And I floundered in answering.
Because I can’t stand the taste of humble pie? Because I’ve not asked for money since I was 17? Because if I can’t stand on my own, I would still like to have my pride? In this last reason, I’m staunchly my father’s daughter, even despite the grief that’s brought me in his practice of it.
The truth is, it’s all of that and more. It’s that I would only think of myself as “needing help” if I were in truly dire straits. If I couldn’t afford the rent, the bills, the groceries. I wasn’t brought up specifically with this particular insane independent streak, but I’ve developed the mindset that it’s simply unfathomable to think that I would ask for money if I weren’t at the end of my resources. Arriving at that point, however, means that there’s a whole world of guilt and uncertainty involved. I wouldn’t need small sums of money, it’s not just spotting me a tenner for lunch. It’s rent, it’s gas, it’s insurance, it’s big money.
In my personal experience with money and people, you cannot rely on others for your basic needs: you stand or die alone. That’s not true for everyone, though, and I realize that from the outside, it looks like arrogance. (At least one friend has interpreted it that way.) After all, I always step up and help others to the best of my abilities. It may not take the form of cash but it’s still help. How then, do I lack such faith in good people and insist on such isolationist responsibility?
I’m casting about for a better understanding of the mentality that allows me to be liberal in my giving, and highly conservative in my getting. Does this attitude need adjusting? If so, how do I remain true to my bootstrapping principles, while recognizing when it’s appropriate to accept assistance? Or is the second fear, that it’s a slippery slope from asking for help when needed to asking for help all the time, justified?
*Note: One rather astute friend pointed out another way to look at it: if asking for and accepting help is so foreign or unfathomable, then I can trust that I will do everything in my power to prevent that situation from developing. At least there’s that.
**Another Note: Perhaps I’m uncomfortable with having to be on the receiving end of this conversation.
February 20, 2009
Stacking Pennies talked about avoiding money hacks, except for two, the other day, and J.D. shared the monthly checkbook sweep.
I wouldn’t call myself a money hacker since I enjoy playing with money and methods to maximize savings with minimal effort. There’s no need to thwart myself, unless we’re talking about cash which just up and disappears, I just need to develop more efficient systems. Then again, a very efficient system kind of takes the fun out of the money bit, so if there’s thwartion afoot, it’s much like how I create messes because it’s fun to clean. [Uh, yeah, I know that’s weird.]
In that vein, I do a few things that allows me to create good surprises instead of obsessively tracking every penny.
1. Ignore the windfalls: they all go into savings. Tax refunds, money saved for specific goals that goes unused, extra paychecks, reimbursements, overtime. All go into savings.
2. Allocate money to be spent: After calculating monthly expenses down to the dollar, that total is all the money I get to keep from paychecks. Everything else goes into some kind of savings. This is akin to the monthly checkbook sweep, except the sweep happens immediately. A little remains as a cushion against uncashed checks – finally learned my lesson with this one – or is outgoing for bills.
3. Divert some e-fund savings into specific accounts: this way neither my e-fund nor my expense fund gets gypped when a regular, non-monthly expense crops up.
This works for me right now, but I’m looking forward to landing a job with regular salary and streamlining the system further.
February 2, 2009
to announce: THE TRUCK IS SOLD.
I’m actually sad that I didn’t say goodbye to it myself. But I was determined to a) relax this weekend before I imploded, and b) let my dad handle all the necessary dealings. Not ’cause I’m a wuss, or because I’d be pissed that I didn’t get a better deal and it’s easier to blame it on him. I just didn’t need one more thing on my plate.
So the payoff amount was reimbursed, as were about 8 months’ of payments that I hadn’t signed up for. No, I didn’t break even, but whatever, I’m not even thinking about that anymore – it’s a done deal. The truck is gone. The payment is gone. No more registration fees, no more maintenance. The insurance can be reduced.
“O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
January 13, 2009
The Boston Globe reports that many people, possibly millions, have been seeing unidentified 25-cent charges on their credit card statements.
The charge shows up on statements as coming from “Adele Services” in Melville, N.Y. There is no business by that name listed in Melville, or registered to any business anywhere in New York, for that matter.
Two theories of what is going on have advanced on message boards and among consumer advocates: Someone is trying to find out whether an illegally obtained credit card number will work before making a bigger charge, or they’re trying to rip off tiny amounts from tons of people.
The latter theory has more credibility at the moment. The Better Business Bureau in Louisville reports that, at least so far, those who have been hit with the small charge have yet to get slammed with a bigger charge. The bureau speculates that the number of possible victims could be in the millions.
The article cautions consumers not to just let the charge slide “because that’s what the thieves want.”
Now why on earth would someone allow a false charge to pass on their account? You don’t know if it’s just a tester charge and a prelude to a major shopping spree on your credit card! Feh, I don’t care if it’s a dime they’re charging on my credit card. If I didn’t authorize it, I’m not paying that and the credit card company would be put on notice immediately. No messin’ around with my money!
January 6, 2009
Does the idea of your salary or net worth being public knowledge make your skin crawl? And I don’t mean within the relatively sheltered PF blogging community where many of us blog anonymously, I mean in your everyday life. Would you share the details of your financial life, to any degree, with friends and family willingly?
I always thought that salary transparency in the workplace made sense for the employees. After all, as the question is commonly asked, what does the company/employee have to lose? The opportunity to be paid a fair wage? The arguments for sharing salary information are cogent, as blogger Penelope Trunk points out that “the only party protected by secrecy is HR ― no one can see how arbitrary salary decisions are. Who wins the highest dollars? Good negotiators, personable people and people who bring in intangible benefits, she says.”
Then again, those not in favor of transparency argue that comparing salaries by job title doesn’t take into account many other factors, like abilities, performance, and motivation. Or negotiation skills.
I’ve recently used both PayScale and Glassdoor to suss out the salary range for my current job as well as my boss’s job to get an idea of what kind of salary requests and expectations are reasonable in my field, yet find myself strangely uncomfortable with the notion of telling a personal friend how much I make.
I feel like I goofed big time this holiday when my best friend in the whole world, with whom I can discuss almost everything, asked me in front of another longtime friend how much I made. (The longtime friend and I aren’t terribly close.)
My big mouth slipped and revealed my base salary, even though she thinks what I consider a modest salary range to be “a lot of money,” right in front of the other friend. Their body language both said “whoa!” Immediately, my reaction was, “aw crap, I should not have gone there!” It’s silly – my discomfort stemmed from not wanting them to think I was rich. I’m not! And I did point out that if I were to make a little more than that, it still wouldn’t be much because moving out would create two households to be supported. But even if they were aware that I make ok money, what does it matter? If they’re going to be part of my network, doesn’t it make sense for them to have an accurate sense of what I’d expect to be paid? Yeah, that doesn’t matter, I still feel weird about it. Even my family doesn’t know how much I make! (There’s a good reason for that: my …special…. brother would definitely assume that I was rolling in easy money and try to take even more advantage of me than he already has.)
How would you feel if your friends knew how much you made? Would you feel comfortable discussing that?
Related reading:
The case for sharing your salary details: MSN Money UK
What Am I Worth?: TheGlassHammer.com
December 5, 2008
Surprise surprise, I scored a nine on this quiz found at Boston Gal‘s: Some personality types may view economic uncertainty as ‘an opportunity’.
That makes me a little t, and the opposite of a Thrill Seeker. What was really a surprise was that I was nearer to the cutoff than I expected: 9 on a scale of 0-10 for the little t end of the scoring system, while the Big T was 11-20.
Careful planning and conservative habits can’t be too poor a substitute for my lack of thrill-seeking flexibility in this economy. Sure hope not, anyway.
Where do you score?