About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
***
Dividend income. We received $1,056 in dividends from the stocks portfolio. Immediately reinvested, we need to grow our portfolios enough so that if we lose our jobs, we won’t be totally up a creek. That’s a concern again! Layoffs at PiC’s, absurdity piled upon absurdity at mine.
I was gifted a $100 Clipper card in a stroke of pure luck. A friend of a friend didn’t need their card anymore and wanted to give it to someone who would use it. My Clipper card had malfunctioned several months ago and after too many phone cards PiC managed to at least rescue the balance, but that solution meant I needed to replace the card itself.
Year 5, Day 138: Starting the week on a low point again. The cumulative effects of the last week, last week, and this weekend were too much. By Sunday mid-morning my body was in shutdown mode. I could feel the fatigue like a sledgehammer hovering over my body. I took a lot more breaks than usual to try and recover enough to take the kids to the part, but it was too late. It was already too late when I woke up, honestly. My body shut down mid-afternoon.
I’m moderately functional today! While not good, I’m MUCH better than yesterday when I was drained to the dregs. I’ve managed to run two loads of laundry and the dishwasher. Update, four loads of laundry and uh, I didn’t realize that the dishes were already clean. 🤦🏻♀️ That and my low score on today’s Duolingo are good indicators that today’s “better” wasn’t back to baseline.
It being our first warm lovely day in a while, the ant colony moved into the kitchen to look for food and water. Took a bit of hunting to find the ant bait we used last time but I dotted the kitchen and crossed my fingers this will take care of them.
This was my first day without massive frustration at work in several months. I’m writing this after I shut down so I couldn’t jinx myself. Here’s hoping it won’t be the only one this week.
Trainer time. It didn’t feel good, just ok, but I was able to break my exercises across the day enough so that I completed all 11 sets without undue fatigue. That’s something!
Year 5, Day 139: If I was going into the negatives on Sunday, which forced the full body shutdown, then I’m hovering at a 2 today. For most of the morning I squeaked by on a trickle of motivation but that just wasn’t going to get me through the day. Finally I remembered I’d been wanting to watch Deadpool, with sound this time, I last watched it in 2017 on a plane without headphones. 🤦🏻♀️ It was very rated-R but it was also what my brain needed to nudge it into gear. Then I remembered the Lego movie existed and that crutch got me the rest of the way through my day.
It wasn’t until the end of the day that I realized I’m likely dragging because yesterday was arm day and maybe I overdid it. This feeling in my shoulders, like mini elephants started nesting in there, finally tipped me off. That ache and fatigue is a direct result of the dozen lateral raises, modified pushups and planks. Better ratchet down the number of reps per set, I can’t keep functioning like a sodden pile of noodles every other day.
We picked a small handful of snap pea tendrils for our salad tonight to encourage them to quit spending energy on tendrils and start making flowers. If it doesn’t work, at least we got to enjoy some part of the plants.
A Happy Thing: we’re still using the nasal spray for the kids when they go to daycare/school. For Smol Acrobat, being too little and uncoordinated to mask on their own, and too young to remember on their own, that’s their only daily protection aside from the vaccine. They were resistant the first month but now they’re a champ at letting me do the spray. These small favors are appreciated.
Year 5, Day 140: Thanks to a recommendation from One Sick Vet, I picked up a set of longer term reuseable over-the-ear masks for everyone from Vogmask (20% off until the end of the month). We have disposables on rotation for the kids, JB has a set of cloth masks that are layered with a filter for school, I use the flomask, and PiC rotates between disposables. Everyone has a flomask but I’m the only one who prefers it over all the other mask options. Occasionally I need something over the ear and less bulky, though, and I want to keep a set of good masks on hand as backups for the family when they forget and leave the house without theirs. We’ll try these out and if we like them well enough, I’ll buy a set for the car.
Unhappily, JB came home with all the gastroenteritis symptoms. I’ve made up their sick bed (they get to camp out on the floor when vomit is involved to try to limit the horrific vomit cleanup that still haunts me to this day. Vomit was specifically written out of my parenting contract when I was pregnant with JB, I’m on wound care!), their sick bag, their assortment of fluids and administered Zofran left over from the last time we were the House of Vomit. Every ounce of me is now focused on hoping that it’s only a touch of the stomach flu and not, say, rotavirus. They don’t have a temperature so it’s promising on that front, at least.
With the two viral infections going on, JB’s and Smol Acrobat’s low fever and congestion, I deemed it the better part of valor not to do my full workout today. It felt like wimping out but not wearing myself down to a shadow is the whole point of working with a trainer.
Year 5, Day 141: JB deliberately stayed burritoed in their sick camp this morning well past the time they should have gotten up. I suspected they were a little better than they were letting on but didn’t press the point since I wanted them to be vomit free for at least a full day before sending them back to school. In some ways it was easier for me to have them home sick (or “sick”) than not: I didn’t have to rush to drop off, or pick up, or run them to self defense. I just had meetings, and attempted to shift a mountain of work, and instructed them to eat bland food at intervals. They did crafts, reading and then finally, in the mid afternoon, asked to watch some TV. Their stomach pain was clearly better by then, but I was too busy to care whether they were doing anything educational or productive.
Things at work are really hectic in a different way as the end of our fiscal year looms. I’ve got strategy sessions and plans to deploy and people to keep motivated and in relatively decent morale. Blech. I personally have zero motivation and all the annoyance. But I remind myself daily that we can get through this and see how it looks on the other side. I did, however, see a really interesting job listing that didn’t make me scoff and close it immediately. Unfortunately it’s across a bridge and they want hybrid work, “remote for the right candidate” and I’m leery of any job where remote is considered a special accommodation. I know how quickly and easily those can be yanked. It pays more than my current job but the difference would mean nothing if I had to commute even one day a week. I’d have to figure out after school care and things would get complicated fast. It’s not worth it. 100% remote only!
Year 5, Day 142: Early signs that my birthday is approaching – I got another invitation to join AARP. It’s got me wondering, are the discounts worth it? The PTA discounts aren’t worth a plugged nickel so I’m skeptical about these.
Our heat snap is apparently over! Smol Acrobat and I pulled out our cozy bathrobes after our showers to enjoy some Lego movie together while PiC and JB went to their Back to School Night. Smol Acrobat had wanted to go but I didn’t like the sound of their congestion and their fatigue was enough for me to think it’d be far wiser to be curled up in blankets early. They were slightly befuddled by the change in routine, we ALWAYS have all four of us home where did half the family go? But they really wanted to watch the Lego movie so that helped ease the confusion.
Me, I’m still paying the physical price for using up all available energy plus reserves two weekends ago. At best, I replenish at a trickle, so this recharging may take weeks for me to feel like the sole inhabitant of my body again and not like I’m smuggling a mountain in each limb.
At a get together earlier this year, I commented that I was so impressed with our acquaintances’ willingness to uproot and move to try new things, even with kids. (I don’t want to leave my nice little hobbit hole for anything unless I absolutely must. Once kids and dogs are in the picture, things get infinitely more complicated.) Their mom grinned and leaned in close: that’s because what they didn’t tell you was we had to come and pick up the kids and drive them separately for the week they were moving.
That has stuck with me. I never account for the “invisible” (to outsiders) help because it is still something that never occurs to me. It’s a normal thing to have where people are close (physically and emotionally) to family or are well off enough to afford to pay for help. How many times have Nicole and Maggie reminded me that the daycare parents creating elaborate gift bags and throwing over the top parties quite likely have both? (many many)
I think about our younger friends who now have three kids and still travel and coach sports teams: how do they manage, I wonder. Oh, right, they have two parents next door who are always willing and able to take the kids. Or our neighbors who live with their parents and their brood have activities scheduled every day of the week. Even when I know they have help, it’s still not a thing I can wrap my brain around.
We discussed this in therapy recently. It struck me the other day that perhaps the reason my gut says I don’t have people or that I won’t ask for help for myself even in the worst circumstances, like when I was choking, is that it’s been so ingrained in me that I’m on my own. For half my childhood, I was a latchkey kid. I walked everywhere. If it wasn’t walkable, I didn’t go. That could just be learning regular independence, I don’t know. For 20+ years from 17 on, I was laboring under the heaviest burdens and didn’t think anyone in the family knew. But in the recent years after the estrangement, I learned that quite a few extended family members knew and they were on my side. Learning that they felt I was right was healing. But over time it’s been sinking in that for two decades and more, I was breaking myself, alone and ignored, to support my family while my dad was lying and stealing from me. That whole time, many of my family were aware and not one of them said a word to me. They spoke up for me to him if they could but not a word to me. I understand why intellectually, cultural constraints and maybe not knowing what to say etc, but I didn’t understand until last week how much that silence hurt. How much it has only reinforced my refusal to ask for help. Because if they knew how hard I worked and some of how much it hurt, my fibromyalgia was undiagnosed most of that time, and couldn’t be bothered to even say anything to me, well. I was definitely on my own. That’s entirely aside from the questions of self worth and having to prove myself which also complicates things. Or maybe it’s actually the same coin. I had no self worth because none of my extraordinary efforts were even distantly acknowledged by the adults I trusted in my life, aside from my mom whose health was so destroyed that she couldn’t do anything but feel terrible for me.
I’ll ask for help for my family. I’ll ask friends to care for the dogs or trusted loved ones to care for the kids. But for me? Nope.
I realize intellectually that I do have people now but my feral child-self snarls that I’m on my own and do not trust anyone to show up for me because they won’t. And even if they’re around now, they’ll all abandon me in the end. Case in point, the two very long time friends dropped me like a hot potato in the past 2 years. The first one, I don’t know why. The second one, I guess I don’t know why there either.
We talked for a long time about how this survival mechanism was set in stone over the course of my lifetime and I can’t expect to undo it in just a few years. I know part of me is afraid that undoing it is a terrible idea, that operating alone is the only way to be sure that you’re not let down. Part of me said, huh, you know this is the far less dramatic version of the Kate Daniels character arc: from “you have to be strong and alone” to learning to build connections and community and a family and trusting friends to have your back. When I’m reading, I know that’s the right thing to do, to progress, but IRL that hurt feral inner child is still snarling with fear and self protectiveness. I don’t really know how to tell it that it will be ok because I’m not sure it would be. Mostly this is an emotional fear but logically, who would be willing and able to help me if I needed it, aside from PiC? I can’t really name anyone. Everyone has their own lives and their own challenges and no one would or could drop those things to come help me out. Of course I also can’t think of any examples of anything less than catastrophe where I’d feel willing to ask either. Anything less than that is asking for too much.
My therapist reminded me: what would I say to JB? I know what I’m supposed to say but the words stick in my throat. It feels like a lie to say that we’ll always be here. We might not be. We set up concentric circles of safety nets around them, socially and legally, in case we die when they’re young but I look at this world and think, it’s not enough. I can’t be sure they’re going to be ok. I know that our people will show up for them in small ways, they do now, but things change. And what’s true for them isn’t as true for me.
Anyway. I’m picking at this like it’s a half healed scab. I’m not sure what the therapy equivalent of rebreaking the bones to let it heal properly is for this sort of fear but I’m still trying to find a way to be able to believe that trust is possible and not foolish.
Year 5, Day 131: After issuing a draconian rule to JB last week, up by 7 am and out the door by 8 am, we made it to school without running like our butts were on fire. That bit was good this morning. Smol’s glacial slowness eating breakfast wasn’t.
That segued into a crappy work day where nothing worked as it should BUT I decided to make much of it someone else’s problem rather than trying to fix things myself. If corporate is going to make it impossible for me to be efficient and get shit done like I normally would, then they can bite me. Someone else will deal with it and I will hound them until they do. It’s a small shift but for now it feels better.
It was still a long damn day, though. After helping Smol Acrobat help me hang up their clothes before dinner, I ran clean out of cope and melted to the ground for about 20 minutes. They cuddled with me for a bit and then suggested games “wif no buttons” (quiet, non-battery operated) we could play from a recumbent position. That little breather got me through to dinner. The reports from the DNC were further uplifting, giving me enough fuel to buckle down one more time. I’ve got a bunch of personal stuff to deal with tomorrow so I have to get stuff out of the way now.
It’s been really hard watching this country elect a man who is incapable of stringing together two coherent complete sentences in a row, and then have to go through the painful process of seeing him run AGAIN despite January 6th.
The very powerful reproductive freedom segment at the DNC
Year 5, Day 132: Back to the struggle of running late to school. Sigh. I’m setting my alarm 15 minutes early to see if that helps us with incrementally waking up earlier. Cold turkey from summer hours isn’t working. This is one of my scattered days: work, do a personal appointment, work more, do another personal commitment, come back and work late into the night after dinner. And still not make a big enough dent in the piles.
Garden harvest report: this week we picked the One and The Only Blueberry that the bush managed to create! There were originally two but it fell off the bush when it was but a microscopic berry. We cut it in half for the kids. They both declared it amazing.
I also picked all the green beans off the two bush beans that are companions to the blackberry bush. Three one-inch beans! 😂 They were crispety crunchy and JB declared them SO GOOD. The 6 other bush bean plants aren’t doing much, just growing leaves and being green. They’re spindly little things, so it’s hard to imagine them giving up real sized green beans. We’re definitely well past the estimated time to maturity of 2 months. Speaking of the blackberry bush, it’s down to the last 3 berries of this growing period. We probably got about 40 berries all told. The kids kept picking them as they ripened so the count is rough.
Trainer time! He increased my sets to four per exercise this week so I have to not take that as a challenge to also increase my reps. Mostly aiming for the middle or high middle of the reps range. Except for the calf raise, that one feels so easy I maxed out on my first set (10 reps). Then I realized that too is a mistake and eased back on each subsequent set, so the last set was only 4 reps.
Year 5, Day 133: Today was meant to be a”see no one, get tons done” day buuuuut I forgot that it’s a minimum day for JB and they have to go to the orthodontist. Sigh. SO much for that. Though I will say, it’s nice for it to still be quite early when we finish up at the appointment. We had plenty of time left to get a lasagna in the oven AND for me to get more work done. So that was one less point of stress. Much appreciated.
My coworker and I had a long chat about the frustration with our jobs, the external problems that started last fall and how we’re on the verge of rage quitting. He’s got a more versatile skill set, he could switch industries pretty easily whereas I’m more specialized and limited. We agree that things are absolutely maddening right now. We both really like our internal teams, we just hate the parent company teams. And neither of us want to have to go back to any of the places we’ve been before: non-profit, corporate, start up, small family business, academia-adjacent. They got us here and all had their own dysfunctionality, but we don’t want to revisit them.
Easy dinners this week: leftover pizza one night, tofu+soba+Costco tempura shrimp another night, and lasagna tonight. I had every intention of cooking up those chicken thighs but it just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.
Year 5, Day 134: Most of my joints felt mildly inflamed today. Just enough that everything felt swollen and lumpy. I wasn’t excited to do my workout for the first time since starting, and I didn’t want to take JB to self defense in the afternoon. Admittedly they also didn’t want to go, their tightened braces hurt too much, so it worked out that I was letting both of us off the hook, but that did feel like a bit of a fail.
I think the way my joints felt, no cushions, was a lot the way my brain felt today, no cushion. I’ve been burning the late night oil too many nights in a row and that deepens the usual fatigue dramatically. Instead of being terrible to myself about it when I had trouble re-focusing, or when I decided not to do self defense class, I spent some time packing up a box of COVID tests for our friends. We still get them free from our healthcare provider and they don’t, so I’ve been ordering extra (well within our permitted amounts) to share with friends.
Trainer time! I did do my workout, though. I don’t want to break my streak so early. It felt like a good challenge when I finally got around to it which is why I’ve still been keeping up with it. I started with fewer reps and increased in the third and fourth sets if I felt ok. That felt better than the other way around. Smol Acrobat is sneaking up on me now, gotta go!
Year 5, Day 135: Boy, did we nearly blow it this morning. Everyone slept through their alarms again. I was the first one out of bed 15 minutes before we had to leave for school. It took all day to figure out that, at least for my part, this was likely because I haven’t had any recovery time from the last weekend. I’m not sure why everyone else is dragging. They’re usually a lot more peppy but we have got to reset for next week somehow. How do we get everyone energized and back to their more usual early morning schedules?
I had a delightful visit with our neighbor’s puppy today. I had planned to borrow his older sister but she managed to make herself sick (still crossing my fingers that she will be just fine after all the shenanigans she pulled), so we agreed it’d be Little Brother’s turn today. He was a curious soul, exploring and examining everything he could put his nose to, but it was a polite sort of investigation. He didn’t try to steal anything or chew on anything, he just wanted a really thorough sniff. We went through his commands, and he earned so many treats.
It’s good therapy to have dog time and it’s also a great reminder that if I adopted a dog now, I’m not going to but if I did, I’d be 100% committed to their well being and that can be a lot on top of what we’re already handling. The initial transition period can be so so hard. It was with Sera. I find myself more at peace with taking this time and space for me now without piling on caretaking.
1. My mini munch cucumber plant is growing five teeny cucumbers! This is delightful AND I’m again ever so grateful we don’t need me to grow any real amount of our food.
2. I petted strangers’ dogs at the county fair and they were all so cute.
Challenges this week: Getting everyone up and out the door on time.
Year 5, Day 124: For the past two weeks, PiC has had at least one bad driver encounter on their bike commute. I hate it so much.
Just this weekend, a bicyclist was hit and killed by some asshole driver in an area we are familiar with.
It’s usually an asshole driver around here – rushing to cut off other drivers before the red light, and/or running a very red light. They’re definitely disregarding pedestrians and bicyclists.
*****
Smol Acrobat came home with a bit of a leaky nose and a moan-groan-bemoan attitude. “I’m not few-wing well” they say. Oh boy. (We tested, negative for COVID.)
Trainer time! Week 2! We are going to schedule my workouts for every other day. That feels like a pace I can handle. It helps that I want to do it and I like to do it, it also helps to have someone tell me to do less this week to avoid a fatigue crash.
My brain knows this up until the point of doing the thing and suddenly it gets caught up remembering this was a dopamine generator! Let’s push through! More is good! But no, no it’s not.
Year 5, Day 125: I ache from head to toe. Smol Acrobat is a bit sicker, though testing negative for COVID right now so it’s probably just a bit of a cold viral thing, and I’m keeping my distance but PiC had to get up with them in the night. I was first up, which is unusual. More so today because I slept badly. I keep waking up sweating buckets in the middle of the night. Don’t know what it is but this is getting old.
But the real whammy was that a friend needed childcare and we took on 3 bonus children most of the day. This, after hosting JB’s friend for 3 days. We vastly, deeply, overestimated our ability to deal with such a crowd. On the one hand, Smol Acrobat was tickled pink with the company, both of them had a ton of fun with the bonus siblings. On the other hand, children talk so much. SO MUCH. They talked my ear right off.
PiC handled half the day on his own, taking all four kids (minus Smol Acrobat who I raced to drop off and raced back to my desk) out on an adventure. I worked as fast as I could and then made their snacks, ordered dinner, minded them for an hour or so until we
I was very pleased to be able to tangibly help our friend who is going through a bad divorce from an abusive spouse, and it was good to see them, but also wow did that take so much energy.
Unfortunately that also required me to stay up and work until midnight to clear enough work off the desk to feel an ounce less despair over how behind I am. If I can get more caught up before the weekend then it’ll actually stay caught up. But getting there is going to take a lot of work.
Trainer rest day that wasn’t restful.
Year 5, Day 126: I’m still so physically tired from yesterday I don’t even have the energy to dopamine farm today. My brain status: dude, if you can lift your arms, you’re doing well today. Who cares if we get anything done.
Oh right. The job cares. The job cares and the bills care and the kids needing feeding care. Fine. I spent the day catching up painfully and slowly on one mountain after another, only taking a short lunch break and a Walk the JB break when they hadn’t been outside all day and refused to go do SOMETHING active on their own. They had been puttering around the house doing the laundry as instructed but filling in the gaps with books, comic books, and the occasional video game.
Trainer time! I didn’t like squeezing it all into the end of the day but that’s how the cookie crumbled today, between having to take JB out for their outside time and keeping me locked down at my desk to push through piles of paperwork. Luckily they felt easy: glute bridges and calf raises. Note for trainer: I accidentally did a cardio today.
Year 5, Day 127: Sent a nibling a belated graduation gift today. Tracking the birthday gifts for this weekend’s birthday party.
Annnnd another round of layoffs are looming at PiC’s work. My pessimism was spot on – this spring I darkly predicted that we could breathe safely for about one quarter before we’d be holding our breaths again. It’s not just us, I see a headline that I won’t link to because it’s Fox “Layoffs announced at multiple companies this summer”, and that tallies with the lists of layoffs we have been seeing. But here we are again. We’ve been stretched thin this year, emotionally, physically and financially, after Sera’s intensive care and vet bills, and as we helped out a bunch of people who are living far more on the edge. Most of it was direct aid so we won’t see it again, and that’s fine, and some of it was big loans and we’ll deal with that later.
Funny story: the toaster oven caught on literal fire today. I realized we don’t have any fire retardant in the kitchen and dithered over the idea of throwing flour on it because what a mess that would make. PiC found a more sedate way to put it out and all was well. Go figure this was probably the least taxing thing of the week.
Note for trainer: Oops, another accidental cardio today. It’s my rest day though, so this was just bonus.
Year 5, Day 128: It’s been a week of overcommitting, both for work and personal stuff, and today’s no exception.
I’ve been working flat out and late into the night most of the week to burn through my backlog to create time for a doggy playdate today. It felt hard to fit in but there was no question of giving up the plan because it’s been 3.5 weeks since my last dog time. That’s far too long.
Pup and I spent about an hour together. My soul needed that. There’s a special sort of happiness generated from spending time with a dog that simply can’t be made any other way. Then I got back to work and cranked through another few piles. There’s light at the end of that tunnel yet.
Note for trainer: Oops, another accidental cardio today. Well, not accidental. More like a plan with consequences I ignored beforehand. I went to a friend’s to borrow their dog for a walk. That plan was revised almost immediately to taking him home to play because they’re so busy they haven’t played in ages and my legs were going to fall off if I didn’t sit down, or at least stop walking so much, for a while. We hung out in the yard playing fetch for nearly half an hour and that was perfect. Pup was happy and exhausted and I was happy and exhausted. We’ll bridge this dog-less life gap with more of these doggy playdates. It doesn’t erase the sadness but it does generate a special kind of happiness.
In the end, between that and an adventure with PiC that involved so many unauthorized and unappreciated stairs, leagues and leagues of them, I had to quit on my workout plan for the day. Or so I thought.
When I got home and realized that two of the three exercises were arms, I knocked those out so that my body was evenly balanced, top and bottom, with fatigue. Win?
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.