About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Year 5, Day 117: Ok so my note on Friday was written before I saw the endorsement for Kamala Harris and all that followed. Now I’m cautiously joyful that they seem to be coming at this aggressively and correctly. Calling Trump out as a liar. Calling him out as a felon. Calling him out as totally nonsensical. Pointing out how terrible Project 2025 is. Calling the Republican party and their obsession with stealing our rights absolutely invasively weird. Yes! Keep it up! The shellacking that JD Vance is getting is icing on this cake. I hope they stick with this energy.
As to work-life: All the thumbs down. All of them. Every Monday is worse than the last and while I’d like to say surely this cannot last, there’s really no confidence in me as I say that. Grumblingly forecasting with a friend, at this rate, I’ll be so wrapped up in corporate bullshit and utter incompetence by this time next year that that’s all I’ll be doing every day at work. I hate everything. This was the perfect day to wear my I Hate People shirt.
I vented my rage on dicing chicken and potatoes (fresh dug from our very own garden!) and that actually helped a bit. Also, our tees from Primary arrived and it turns out my ability to eyeball clothing fit is completely broken. I was sure that his and my shirts were both too big but they actually fit us fine. Yay for that. I picked some fun colors for PiC: a happy yellow, a peachy sorbet, and a mellow blue.
Gave myself one hour of working late tonight and my brain wanted to play popcorn. I usually do my best when I let it popcorn all over the place but couldn’t ever get into my groove. Got stuff done of course but it was very spotty.
Year 5, Day 118: JB listened to scary stories at camp and now they can’t sleep in their own bed with the lights off. They spent one night sleeping in Smol’s room, one night sleeping with their lights on low, and tonight they’re in my room while I work late again. I don’t know if overactive imaginations are inherited but I definitely have one and still mostly avoid horror everything. I can read Cassandra Khaw (which is more gore than scary) and Ursula Vernon / Kingfisher, but not much else.
Better they learn now what their limits are with scary things? At least I hope they learn and self monitor their exposure with peers. Oh who am I kidding. They’re going to keep listening to these stories and then be scared for weeks after.
Year 5, Day 119: FINALLY our amendments to our wills and trust are done, and signed and witnessed. It took us ages to find the time to do each one more thing: telling the lawyer everything we wanted, reviewing the docs, sending edits, reviewing again, scheduling the signing, actually signing. Each single bit by itself was easy enough, it was the first part that was hard trying to think of everything we needed to include in this revision and worrying that we left something out. I’m still worrying about that, actually. But for now at least the major areas are covered.
We still need to make decisions on our end of life arrangement preferences. They need to be set for the next 15 years, then the kids can decide what they want. I just don’t want any family bullying them into doing something they don’t want to do when they’re young.
That reminds me that we owe JB a funeral for Seamus, and now Sera, too. We’ll need to do that in the fall. My heart was simply too sore to do it before and now I’m just a deep well of grief and missing my dogs so we might as well do it.
Year 5, Day 120: PiC had a close contact with someone at work who tested positive for COVID two days later. It turned out they were masked at the time of their meeting because their spouse was positive. This infuriates me. If you’re in close contact with someone positive already, why wouldn’t you change your meeting to a video call or reschedule?? People are so EFFING INCONSIDERATE.
Unrelated, I just realized my passport has expired. Drat. Not that we have any travel planned but it’s one of those things that I feel better knowing is in order. I quickly threw together the paperwork but the thing that’s going to hold this up is the picture. I’m terrible at remembering to take a good picture and printing it. I’m saying so here to try and guilt myself into getting it over with.
Year 5, Day 121: Acne in adulthood is downright insulting. We’ve done our time! (I’ve complained about this before, haven’t I?)
I’m hearing hydrocolloidal patches are the thing now. I canvassed folks I know on Bluesky who came back with a resounding, unanimous YES THE PATCHES.
So I searched and stacked sales and deals, gave up the super cute Pusheen patches that were not on sale, and ended up with a bunch of the on-sale clear patches. I hope they work! It’s going to come time for JB to need some sooner than we’d expected, I think, and of course I need them now (*disgruntled humph*).
1. At first I was positively astonished that Biden bowed out and was a touch skeptical that this country will elect the first female and Black president. That was in the first hour of the announcement. I was imagining total chaos in the wake of his stepping down. I wanted to hold out hope because a baked potato would be better than Trump, never mind a relatively reasonable human with relevant experience.
Now I’m relieved at how the whole thing was managed to give her support immediately. I won’t pretend that I personally like Harris. I don’t know enough about her to say yet and I’m not a fan of the cult of personality type politics. However she does have a body of experience that’s highly relevant and she came out of the gate strong and that gives me hope. I do like the possibility that she might be a leader we can accomplish good things with even if we have to push her to them. We all know that’s absolutely nothing like what we’d get out of a second TFG presidency.
Year 5, Day 110: The more miserable and angry I get at work, the more I wish for things I can’t change.
Like how Captain Awkward is awesome and I could wish I’d been reading her many years ago when I started making decisions about my family and finances if I was dwelling on what might have been. This one in particular is a different script but a very similar base to my dad’s problems and maybe seeing this could have helped me recognize more of what was happening at home. Thankfully, PiC has never been problematic, financially, even though we came from two very different financial backgrounds and experiences. He’s known from Day 1 that I’m both more involved and more self-educated on finances, and that I’m the better money manager of the two of us even before I had much (any) money to hold onto. When we eventually combined finances it was really a matter of transitioning the reins over to me. That doesn’t mean our money lives are perfect, just that our styles are compatible and it’s not a point of friction. Thank goodness.
But occasionally, like now, I find it hard to wash away the bitterness of regret of how much money I wasted on my lying parent and how that could have served our own family and happiness and lives. I sacrificed so much of my past back then, not knowing i was also sacrificing so much of my future. The amounts of money in rent, utilities, food, gas, phone, insurance and other miscellaneous bills would have filled an entire nest egg and then some. And if that had been growing all this time… Sigh. Anyway. I shake myself off and say that’s all in the past. I’m glad I eventually broke free. I’m glad I shared the journey here. I’m glad that sharing helped a few other people.
Year 5, Day 111: Daydreaming about things that would feel like luxury in our everyday lives to redirect my work angst over incompetence and inefficiency.
Plastic and wood hangers instead of wire hangers. This one is just a little silly.
The freedom to nap as long as I want after a good massage or just because, without guilt. Someday.
A warm kitten that likes belly rubs and didn’t need anything else from me. Someday.
When I was a kid, I used to long to be at other people’s houses. Mine was empty, lonely, dirty, shabby. I loved my dogs and wanted to be with them but my home didn’t feel like a home. Now I don’t want to be at anyone’s house but mine. I like my home. I live with someone who helps contribute to the upkeep and maintenance. It’s cozy enough. It’s neat enough. It’s enough. I think that’s why Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car makes me cry. Escaping the-home-that-wasn’t was hard for me to envision in my younger days and now having made it out of my smallish town, I still get weird feelings about that.
Sushi three times a week. Nommmm. Someday.
A stack of 20 Innkeeper books and an entire 3.5 days to do nothing but eat, sleep, read, and occasionally get a bit of sun. That many Innkeepers don’t exist, so *hope* someday!
A whole week when no one asks me to do anything for work, home, school. Someday!
What little luxuries do you already enjoy or would love to add to your life?
Snippets of this song has been on repeat in my mind all week so I had to fully commit to it.
Year 5, Day 112: I ran some simulations on cFIREsim to soothe my general anxiety that’s been bubbling up. My variables: starting retirement in 2027, ending in 45 years, with today’s portfolio balance, and today’s spending (because I assume that costs will go up even if we drop some spending areas, and we’ll also add some spending areas). My simulations failed 20 of 106 total cycles, or succeeded about 80% of the time.
If I change just one assumption: my goal portfolio balance instead of using today’s portfolio balance, the simulations show 100% success.
I tweaked one more, keeping the goal portfolio balance and added an increase in annual spending because who knows, things could get really expensive some years: my simulations fail 4 of 106 total cycles, or succeed 96% of the time.
Here’s the problem with me using this simulator: I don’t have a good understanding of what the results really mean. It’s mildly reassuring to see that if I could stick with my job until 2027, and added enough to all our investment accounts to hit the goal portfolio balance, it seems we’d likely be fine even with some moderate fluctuations in spending. It’s validating to see that the goal portfolio balance I picked appears to meet our needs. But I don’t really get what I’m doing with these numbers. Also, I’m not sure it’s likely we’ll actually hit that goal portfolio balance in 3 years even with really aggressive saving/investing.
To give my brain something concrete to grab onto, I organized our accounts into three buckets to show a more realistic picture of how we could access our money in the future: Money available to us before age 60, money available when PiC turns 60, and money available when I turn 60. Numbers are still squishy but maybe this will help me get a grip on what we can expect. Also I probably want to figure out which accounts are the most advantageous to withdraw from first, and which accounts we want to preserve. Because it’s (probably) so far off, it’s felt too squishy to set a real structured plan. Also the future of healthcare is a real bugbear. I don’t know WHAT the future there holds but it’s sort of depressing to see how things are right now. It’s already so expensive and healthcare companies are so corrupt.
Year 5, Day 113: I’ve been saving this Anderson Cooper chat with Nicole Chung on grief for several months. Even though I feel like my grief for my mom has evolved to a more tolerable stage, it’s not just under my skin every day and night, it’s sunk into my bones so that I am deeply and profoundly aware of her absence at a cellular level. It’s become a part of me. The grief is still part of me, the regrets that I’ve struggled with, the guilt of not having been able to achieve even more all still reverberate through me at times. Lots of this conversation struck a chord with me:
“How do you learn to cherish your life when grief has made it unrecognizable? I’m starting to feel that we do so not by trying to fill a void that can never be filled, but by living as best as we can in this strange, yawning terrain. Our loved ones have left behind. Exploring its jagged boundaries and learning to see it as something new. I believe this because I feel that I am becoming someone new, someone who can remember and mourn and live without punishing herself.”
Much of my grieving for my mom was self recrimination for not doing better for her, not saving her from our financial struggles. I punished myself for years for that. It’s taken a lot of therapy to recognize it as punishment and likely will take more to forgive myself for something I shouldn’t need forgiving for.
“Nobody was really going to see or understand or miss them, at least in the exact same way I did, because I was their only child. I was not the only person mourning them, but I was their only child and it was so hard.”
In many ways, my brother is lost to me, and my dad is too, so I feel this grief about my entire nuclear family. Mom actually died but the other two can’t be part of my life anymore either and no one knows the things that parents and siblings know about you, about me, or shares those memories. It’s such a katamari of loss of my entire family.
You say “in this country, unless you attain extraordinary wealth, you will likely be unable to help your loved ones in all the ways you’d hoped. You will learn to live with the specific, hollow guilt of those who leave hardship behind, yet are unable to bring anyone else with them.”
Such a big part of grieving for me has been learning to forgive myself and recognize I don’t have control. There were things I wanted to control, and I wanted to make better for my parents that I, in the end, could not. I could not do enough. I couldn’t save my dad. I couldn’t be in there in exactly the way I wanted from my mom. I could continue to punish myself for that. I could continue to beat myself up and tell myself all this pain, this is just what you deserve because you weren’t there when they needed you. But I know that’s not what they would have wanted. I don’t think anybody we’ve lost wants us to heap more suffering on top of suffering in that way.
Year 5, Day 114: We just got a letter from the kids’ dentist: She’s going out of network because Delta Dental doesn’t pay enough. I had to ask a bunch of questions about what this means but ultimately it looks like, right now barring any rate increases, where the kids’ visits were covered 100% ($135 four times a year = $540), we are now having to pay the difference between their office fees and the maximum that Delta will pay. Right now, that difference is $150, so we have to budget an extra $600 a year for their twice yearly cleanings and checkups. I haven’t gotten the quote for x-rays yet, I’d better get that soon so I can figure out how much we have to set aside. Sigh. I get it, she’s only making less than half of what she could be, but that’s a huge blow to the pocketbook. Everything just keeps going up.
It won’t help to add a secondary plan since mine is also Delta Dental. The dentist’s office explained that Delta will only pay once up to their max regardless of how many plans you have. Sigh.
Year 5, Day 103: No, the giant boxes destined for UPS didn’t go out. There were multiple hours this weekend where I thought “I should…” but the body said “hahaha you’re funny”. I feel like I’m constantly at odds with my brain, my body, or both, and they’re independent entities that I coexist with. Starts to make you wonder where your “you” lives and who’s in charge anyway??
Ahem. Anyway.
Today I am stalking the delivery truck. After much adjusting of the watering (more water, less water) making absolutely no difference in the cucumber plants refusing to grow taller than 2 inches, I’ve ordered fertilizer and it’s due today. The snap peas are still refusing to germinate to my disappointment, so I’m overcompensating by planting a whole lot more green beans. But few of the plants seem willing to grow much right now, so I’m pinning my hopes on fertilizer perking them up.
Year 5, Day 104: Big sigh. JB’s not feeling well again and a small part of me wishes this happened next week when we didn’t have camp paid for. There are no refunds for non attendance, obviously. But this is me putting down the wasted money woes and leaving it here instead of dwelling on it. We are trying to balance “don’t give up at the first sign of discomfort” and “your health comes first” with them and sometimes that means money is wasted.
Year 5, Day 105: Some days I feel like a bizarro incarnation of the terrible manager in Office Space. I arrive at work with my cup of water and my annoyance and spend the day calling people to task for embarrassing mistakes, misinformation, and wasteful incompetence that makes life harder for everyone else. It leaves such a sour taste in my mouth. The external people are terrible, my reports are the best, but it’s still ever so frustrating.
These changes have been creeping up on us so it’s not a surprise but is still deeply unpleasant. Not unlike a dousing of ice water in the face at six random times a day. When they first started, I resolved to TRY to ride out 12-18 months to let the dust settle before making any decisions. I’ve been leaning really hard into the Buddhist idea that clinging to what I want (and can’t have) is what produces (more) suffering and we have control over nothing (as another Buddhism practicing friend reminds me). Not sure if it’s actually helping, there’s still so much frustration in my day to day right now. Actually, yes, as I think about this more, there’s a tendency among the Buddhists in my family to interpret the “let go of the illusion of control” as “have no feelings, show no feelings” and that’s not healthy. This DOES help because after my feelings run their course, it helps to recenter myself in accepting that I’ve done my best and let the rest go.
In a fit of ironic self soothing, I revised our 2024 and 2025 cashflow spreadsheets with the assumption that these numbers will be stable for at least 18 more months. At this very moment, I’m skeptical about that outlook but will lean hard on the spreadsheets to keep my sort-of-promise to myself so that I don’t quit in a huff.
Year 5, Day 106: Wastewaterlevels in California are classified as high. We still mask, and we just got our boosters, and I’m adding a third layer of protection. We ordered an iota-carageenan nasal spray (Nasitrol) for use when we’re going to be around other people for hours at a time. We’ll have to unmask to eat and drink so the nasal spray adds protection for those times.
You know what’s really creepy? When your kid starts whispering really harshly like they’re possessed, in the middle of the night. Not a fan!
Year 5, Day 107: Shoe report! For my replacement sandals, I bought Crocs flip flops (very functional, can get wet without getting ruined) and Clarks Arla Glison (functional and fancy) sandals. They are all very comfortable. I was skeptical when I bought them, probably most skeptical of the Clarks because they’re platforms, but I’ve been able to wear both pairs for long stretches without pain. And without tons of regret at the end of the day. Total surprise.
PiC went rogue and bought Hokas for me which look a touch outlandish but, after adjusting to them, they’re quite comfortable. Their very large price tag is uncomfortable, I usually buy 4 pairs of sneakers for $110 and that lasts me 4-5 years, so these are way outside my price point but they feel really good now that I’ve gotten used to the height.
1. I treated myself to a $5 body wash in hopes it would smell super fruity (pink lemon and mandarin orange) and it’s totally what I hoped for but also it’s basically grapefruit.
Year 5, Day 96: Ngh, I feel several shades of terrible. No specific symptoms, just intense fatigue and the creeping crud type feeling of “ugh”. My dental hygienist spotted the start of a viral infection during my appointment last week so I’ve been taking my antivirals and trying to rest more. Well ok, I rested this weekend because I had to. I couldn’t actually manage to keep pushing through. But that’s still an improvement over tormenting myself!
My Mondays used to stink, they’re really terrible now. So my response is to be really angry and then set new limits on what I’ll do. I’m hoping there’s a bell curve of horrible that we’ll come down the other side of soon. Very very soon.
To compound my mundane sadness, I forgot my dog walking bag today. I usually take it in case of crow friends and running into dog friends but in my haste, I left it behind. Who landed on the house just ahead of me and eyeballed me waiting for a treat? My crow friend I haven’t seen in weeks! It waited very pointedly until I lamented, I’m so sorry, I don’t have treats for you today! Then it flew away. I hope it doesn’t hold this against me.
Of course this is all super mundane against the Supreme Court basically cementing fascism this week and declaring a President immune from prosecution for Official Acts. Who knew it would come on this quick? Oh right, we all saw this coming.
Year 5, Day 97: Work is frustrating to the extreme right now so this tickled me deeply:
On top of the frustrating people, all my devices and apps and software are acting up. This one doesn’t want to open, that one doesn’t want to load, the other one will only refresh on my phone but not my laptop. Seriously not cool.
*****
The community that used to come together for mutual aid, mostly on Twitter and sometimes by email, is so fractured now, it feels like it was just a happy dream. It’s heartbreaking to see the effect this is having on vulnerable people who were juuuust scraping by before. I followed Aji and Wings on Twitter and now on Bluesky. The work Wings does is breathtaking, that craftsmanship!, but I cannot be trusted with these works of art. They’re also people who support their community as much as they can even though they’re going through tough times. They’re really struggling financially right now as they’re not getting the sales they need to make ends meet this year. I’ve sent some money through Paypal to avoid unnecessary fees (since this is a gift) but it’s a drop in the bucket and I hope that sharing will lead to more sharing and sales.
Year 5, Day 98: Here’s an upside! I’ve been taking a brisk walk every day for my mental health since last week. Last week, I had to stop halfway to catch my breath every day. This week, I can make it most of the way without stopping. Of course, I discover this just before the massive heat wave to hit this region so will my conditioning hold through next week? Who knows!
*****
I didn’t think I would relate to Mike Barnow from Madam Secretary but on reflection why didn’t I? Love dog, hate dealing with people, yes, yes that checks out:
Mike: I want the job you promised me. Counselor to the president. Behind the scenes. Under the radar. Cracking heads and crushing enemies.
Elizabeth: Yes but you’re so GOOD at being my chief of staff.
Mike: ACTING chief of staff and of course I’m amazing at it. But I hate it. It’s all relationships and people. So many people. In person.
Year 5, Day 99: So hot. It’s stiflingly hot. My kingdom for a breeze.
We don’t usually let the kids do water play, we’re a drought state! But it’s a holiday and also so so hot so we invited the kids’ friends over for a water and bubble play morning. In the end we forgot entirely about half the things we intended to set out for them but the water slide thing and the hammock were all they needed before and after the water balloon fight that PiC instigated.
We’d stocked up on fruit and easy kid food so snack time segued right into lunch time and all the kids ate what they were served. Smol Acrobat wasn’t even half a butt about eating their lunch with all these other kids to play with! They returned to a whole butt status when the kids went home for dinner. Of course they did. The kids (all under 8) went home without complaining, but one of them made sure to secure permission to come back again. Then tried to schedule that next visit for tomorrow. A compliment of sorts? What’s even funnier is that those same kids said they were heading home for a nap. Well exercised and well fed enough to choose a nap, good job on our part? PiC, as usual, deserves most of the credit. He did all the grocery shopping and food prep. I shared kid wrangling with another parent and coordinating the timing of things like water breaks and snack breaks and so on. We did good teamwork.
It was a lot of fun and also I massively overdid it. My body has a number of regrets and would like to formally complain to management for poor decisions.
Year 5, Day 100: My entire body is vibrating with pain. I’ve popped painkillers all day in hopes it’ll ease up soon. And, as expected, YEP, I’m thoroughly discombobulated back at work today. Days off in the middle of the week are weird.
What day is it, what’s tomorrow, where do I need to be when? I hate having my routines disrupted. Except there was a new disruption today: a long time friend was passing through town and we got to nab her for a few hours visit and dinner. I’ve missed her so much and that short visit cleansed my mind and refreshed my body. The pain and fatigue was halved after she left, even despite my staying up way too late afterward. Treatment for ME/CFS: super supportive fun friends who are easy to hang out with regardless of whether it’s been a day or a decade since we last saw each other?
All kidding aside, I’m paying for Thursday through the weekend more than likely, and I’d better adjust my expectations accordingly. We’ll get laundry done but I’m not sure if we’re going to do much more than that. Though there are two very large boxes I’ve got nearly packed up to ship to the Allen Youth Center, it’d be great to get that on its way. BUT I’m still waiting on PiC to sort through the last set of Legos to see what else he wants to add to what I’m sending, first.
