About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
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Dividend income. We received $295 in dividends from the stocks portfolio.
I’m getting an FSA account of my own! This doesn’t change our planned spending, it’ll just reimburse us for that planned health spending that isn’t covered by the first one. There’s the increase in dental fees for our dentist going out of network, at least $600-800 we weren’t previously charged and a number of my brain therapy sessions that aren’t covered by our first FSA. That’s a help. If it works! I’ve been fighting with United Healthcare for weeks and months trying to get them to pay out the very valid claims I’ve submitted repeatedly.
I finally got fed up and asked PiC to call them and find out what the hickory sticks was going on. Would you believe they kept him on the line for almost two hours fiddling and hemming and hawing? They claimed they couldn’t identify the problem claims and that the claims submitted at the start of the year were only “courtesy” approvals. Lies.
So I’m furious and report them to the Department of Labor. Turns out they have a whole department specifically to handle these types of complaints. Magically, when we got on a conference call with them and he introduced himself as a rep from the DoL, you could hear the shift in attitude in that long moment of silence. There was hardly any hot potato at all, they only transferred us once. When he asked the exact same question that PiC did: why are these being rejected when the same type of receipt was provided in Jan and Feb and approved without issues, they paused for a long time, put us on hold for almost an hour, and then came back to say that they sent all of the claims back for reprocessing. That hold time really ticked off our rep so he’s ready to open an investigation into them if they still don’t resolve this within the required amount of time.
Edit to add: This is the Employee Benefits Security Administration – they specifically deal with complaints like this for ERISA related plans. They can’t do anything with medical denials unfortunately which really really needs a department for that, but they can deal with fiduciary-related fails.
Year 5, Day 124: A Twitter thread about Hayao Miyazaki’s favorite children’s books made me realize I’ve never read Mary Norton’s The Borrowers. I’ve put it on hold at the library but am very confused why I had to enter my email address to place it when I was logged in. That’s new and weird.
I’m still walking around like I’m missing a limb without Sera (or Seamus, or Doggle). It’s hard to breathe in that brief second when I remember that I’m coming home to the dogshaped holes in my life, not to my beloved furry feets. It’s getting better but sometimes it’s like a gut punch.
My dog stand-in (the garden) surprised me today. I forgot that I’d transferred the non-germinating green beans into Potato Bag 2, sort of giving up on them. It looked like the next generation of potato plants were starting up nicely but on closer inspection, three of them look like they’re actually green bean plants! Probably. We’ll give it two more weeks to see what they look more like. Turns out set it and forgetit isn’t just for my investments.
Year 5, Day 125: The ridiculously high wastewater levels in California have prompted me to review our protection layers. We have nasal sprays (Nasitrol, iota-carageenan is the ingredient that apparently matters). There are some very early studies suggesting that a combination of H1 and H2 antihistamines (loratidine or cetizirine + famotidine) may also be protective against infection (or perhaps it’s protective against severe illness). I’ve got both in plenty already for their prescribed use so why not take them regularly for both that and possible increased COVID protection? We obviously still mask but it’s imperfect protection during the summer when we’ve got sunblock on and our faces get sweaty, and sometimes we have to unmask to eat where other people are.
So, layers. We’re boosted. We’re masking. We have nasal spray and we’ll have prophylactic OTC meds to help mitigate if we do get infected. We can’t avoid all humanity, despite my preferences, there are summer fairs and carnivals that kids would like to experience, so we are layering our protections in hopes of continuing to stave off COVID long term. May the one breach with Smol Acrobat be the only one. I’m really worried about the cumulative effects of COVID for the kids. My life is already pretty hellish with chronic pain, fatigue and PEM. I only wish all this on terrible people who need to stop hurting people. I don’t want my kids to get it but the data suggests that the more infections they experience, the higher the probability they’ll get Long COVID. So. Layers for the summer (and every season)!
Year 5, Day 126: Did I ever go outside today? Other than taking the kids out and getting them loaded up in the car to send them off for their days, I don’t think I did. It’s been that kind of day. Week. Month. I WAS doing better at going out daily for a walk but I need to get back on that.
Another disgruntled humph, my throat has been sore for multiple weeks. The antivirals aren’t budging it. I’ve got a theory that this is stress induced because I have no other symptoms, no one is catching anything from me, and my body has a history of overreacting to the least little thing. I’ve been managing the pain with cycles of acetaminophen and ibuprofen. Thank goodness those work enough so I can still eat and drink with moderate discomfort. I remember a bout earlier this year when they couldn’t even do that much.
Also? I’m melting. I used to handle heat well. Even humid heat. I didn’t LIKE it but I could deal. Now the temp ticks up 10-15 degrees and I’m the Wicked Witch of the West. MELTING!
I did submit a large Costco order for our August Lakota family, and conducted a massive clearing out of a disorganized snack drawer dumping snacks circa 2014-2022. Fresh snacks!
Year 5, Day 127: This is my designated errands day. PiC has been taking JB to work with him most non-camp days to give me a chance to get through work so I’ve taken today to hang with them and DO ALL THE THINGS. We have to hit the dentist, library, dry cleaner, Staples, and post office. Can we do this all and also finish the laundry? Let’s find out!
Conclusion: We were only able to go to the dentist and Staples. We were late getting out the door so we didn’t collect the library books, the dry cleaner went out of business (!) and the post office just felt like too much effort after we struck out at the dry cleaner. So we went home and I did a TON of organizing and cleaning. That was satisfying.
I’m mentally chewing on First Gen American’s comment at Nicole and Maggie: My uncle did give annual gifts to his kids and they were unemployed or underemployed most of their lives. It ended in the worst way. (One kid stealing from parents when he didn’t want to share remaining inheritance with sibling). It ruined those kids. I may help with some big expenses like grandkid college funds, but will not do regular handouts if I can help it.
That’s terrible! And it makes me wonder how much the annual gifts were accompanied by other life ruining actions or habits, or if that was the primary / key cause. I know other people who give their adult kids annual gifts but IIRC, they started after the kids were older and reasonably established in their respective careers. The adult kids’ habits aren’t maybe the best financial habits but they also don’t have to be with this fairly significant cushion to pad any mistakes or run of the mill impulses. They’re not getting drug habit money, so they seem ok? I also don’t recall if it’s actually annual or just no more than annual to be under the gift tax exclusion limit.
I am still of the mindset that we’ll pay for about half of undergrad for each kid but I’m not sure if we’ll have enough for 4 years saved by the time college starts, so I doubt this will be a real life issue for us but I AM curious about what the right level of giving / passing down money is to ensure that your kids aren’t terrible humans or aren’t ruined by the prospect of a neverending spigot of cash. Is it all expenses up through college? And then maybe they can have up to the gift tax exclusion if they donate half of it? How DO you handle having more than enough ten times over without creating a completely entitled human?
Year 5, Day 128: No idea if this was going to happen regardless but I’ve neglected the flower bit of the garden for a couple weeks. To my surprise and delight, they didn’t die off. Instead, three of the plants bloomed! I have flowers! 🎉
Less good news, we briefly saw an old friend over the weekend (we were masked, they were not) and they just let us know they’ve tested positive for COVID. They said it before I thought it: what did I (you) expect? They socialized at three large events in a row (two of which I didn’t know about before they notified me) and didn’t mask for any of them. I’m not thrilled. But I’m not surprised either. So many people are just swanning about unmasked while our wastewater levels skyrocket. I don’t know what anyone else is thinking but I’m most definitely thinking absolutely not! Now I’m mildly obsessively reviewing our layers to make sure we’re doing any and everything that would mitigate risk.
We were masked, did the nasal spray at the start of the day, were boosted. Smol Acrobat briefly unmasked to chomp on some snacks but then they went outside. That part has me extra worried about whether those few minutes were enough to infect them.
Back to better news while I figure out when we should all test ourselves: I’ve made the decision to work with an online fitness trainer to try and develop a program that doesn’t set off my fibro or ME/CFS. I want to get stronger and leaner, a little healthier heart-wise. I don’t care what numbers are on the scale as long as I feel stronger and leaner and like this body is mine again.
I’ve had an intake call to cover medical history and relevant stuff, and we start next week. There were a lot of unexpected emotions that bubbled up during that call, and after. Fear and worry: that it won’t work with my ME/CFS, that I’ll fail again at trying to get a little healthier or feel a little less alien, of getting my hopes up. Unsettled: making myself a priority? Weird? Hope and excitement: automatically trying to repress this a little bit, we have to start slow and low (intensity) or we will definitely fail. Wish me luck? I could use an accountability partner.
1. I took a chance on a package of soft rolls for lunch sandwiches and it was perfect. They were soft as a cloud and squishy so it didn’t feel like I was getting 70% starch to the rest of the sandwich.
Year 5, Day 117: Ok so my note on Friday was written before I saw the endorsement for Kamala Harris and all that followed. Now I’m cautiously joyful that they seem to be coming at this aggressively and correctly. Calling Trump out as a liar. Calling him out as a felon. Calling him out as totally nonsensical. Pointing out how terrible Project 2025 is. Calling the Republican party and their obsession with stealing our rights absolutely invasively weird. Yes! Keep it up! The shellacking that JD Vance is getting is icing on this cake. I hope they stick with this energy.
As to work-life: All the thumbs down. All of them. Every Monday is worse than the last and while I’d like to say surely this cannot last, there’s really no confidence in me as I say that. Grumblingly forecasting with a friend, at this rate, I’ll be so wrapped up in corporate bullshit and utter incompetence by this time next year that that’s all I’ll be doing every day at work. I hate everything. This was the perfect day to wear my I Hate People shirt.
I vented my rage on dicing chicken and potatoes (fresh dug from our very own garden!) and that actually helped a bit. Also, our tees from Primary arrived and it turns out my ability to eyeball clothing fit is completely broken. I was sure that his and my shirts were both too big but they actually fit us fine. Yay for that. I picked some fun colors for PiC: a happy yellow, a peachy sorbet, and a mellow blue.
Gave myself one hour of working late tonight and my brain wanted to play popcorn. I usually do my best when I let it popcorn all over the place but couldn’t ever get into my groove. Got stuff done of course but it was very spotty.
Year 5, Day 118: JB listened to scary stories at camp and now they can’t sleep in their own bed with the lights off. They spent one night sleeping in Smol’s room, one night sleeping with their lights on low, and tonight they’re in my room while I work late again. I don’t know if overactive imaginations are inherited but I definitely have one and still mostly avoid horror everything. I can read Cassandra Khaw (which is more gore than scary) and Ursula Vernon / Kingfisher, but not much else.
Better they learn now what their limits are with scary things? At least I hope they learn and self monitor their exposure with peers. Oh who am I kidding. They’re going to keep listening to these stories and then be scared for weeks after.
Year 5, Day 119: FINALLY our amendments to our wills and trust are done, and signed and witnessed. It took us ages to find the time to do each one more thing: telling the lawyer everything we wanted, reviewing the docs, sending edits, reviewing again, scheduling the signing, actually signing. Each single bit by itself was easy enough, it was the first part that was hard trying to think of everything we needed to include in this revision and worrying that we left something out. I’m still worrying about that, actually. But for now at least the major areas are covered.
We still need to make decisions on our end of life arrangement preferences. They need to be set for the next 15 years, then the kids can decide what they want. I just don’t want any family bullying them into doing something they don’t want to do when they’re young.
That reminds me that we owe JB a funeral for Seamus, and now Sera, too. We’ll need to do that in the fall. My heart was simply too sore to do it before and now I’m just a deep well of grief and missing my dogs so we might as well do it.
Year 5, Day 120: PiC had a close contact with someone at work who tested positive for COVID two days later. It turned out they were masked at the time of their meeting because their spouse was positive. This infuriates me. If you’re in close contact with someone positive already, why wouldn’t you change your meeting to a video call or reschedule?? People are so EFFING INCONSIDERATE.
Unrelated, I just realized my passport has expired. Drat. Not that we have any travel planned but it’s one of those things that I feel better knowing is in order. I quickly threw together the paperwork but the thing that’s going to hold this up is the picture. I’m terrible at remembering to take a good picture and printing it. I’m saying so here to try and guilt myself into getting it over with.
Year 5, Day 121: Acne in adulthood is downright insulting. We’ve done our time! (I’ve complained about this before, haven’t I?)
I’m hearing hydrocolloidal patches are the thing now. I canvassed folks I know on Bluesky who came back with a resounding, unanimous YES THE PATCHES.
So I searched and stacked sales and deals, gave up the super cute Pusheen patches that were not on sale, and ended up with a bunch of the on-sale clear patches. I hope they work! It’s going to come time for JB to need some sooner than we’d expected, I think, and of course I need them now (*disgruntled humph*).
1. At first I was positively astonished that Biden bowed out and was a touch skeptical that this country will elect the first female and Black president. That was in the first hour of the announcement. I was imagining total chaos in the wake of his stepping down. I wanted to hold out hope because a baked potato would be better than Trump, never mind a relatively reasonable human with relevant experience.
Now I’m relieved at how the whole thing was managed to give her support immediately. I won’t pretend that I personally like Harris. I don’t know enough about her to say yet and I’m not a fan of the cult of personality type politics. However she does have a body of experience that’s highly relevant and she came out of the gate strong and that gives me hope. I do like the possibility that she might be a leader we can accomplish good things with even if we have to push her to them. We all know that’s absolutely nothing like what we’d get out of a second TFG presidency.
Year 5, Day 110: The more miserable and angry I get at work, the more I wish for things I can’t change.
Like how Captain Awkward is awesome and I could wish I’d been reading her many years ago when I started making decisions about my family and finances if I was dwelling on what might have been. This one in particular is a different script but a very similar base to my dad’s problems and maybe seeing this could have helped me recognize more of what was happening at home. Thankfully, PiC has never been problematic, financially, even though we came from two very different financial backgrounds and experiences. He’s known from Day 1 that I’m both more involved and more self-educated on finances, and that I’m the better money manager of the two of us even before I had much (any) money to hold onto. When we eventually combined finances it was really a matter of transitioning the reins over to me. That doesn’t mean our money lives are perfect, just that our styles are compatible and it’s not a point of friction. Thank goodness.
But occasionally, like now, I find it hard to wash away the bitterness of regret of how much money I wasted on my lying parent and how that could have served our own family and happiness and lives. I sacrificed so much of my past back then, not knowing i was also sacrificing so much of my future. The amounts of money in rent, utilities, food, gas, phone, insurance and other miscellaneous bills would have filled an entire nest egg and then some. And if that had been growing all this time… Sigh. Anyway. I shake myself off and say that’s all in the past. I’m glad I eventually broke free. I’m glad I shared the journey here. I’m glad that sharing helped a few other people.
Year 5, Day 111: Daydreaming about things that would feel like luxury in our everyday lives to redirect my work angst over incompetence and inefficiency.
Plastic and wood hangers instead of wire hangers. This one is just a little silly.
The freedom to nap as long as I want after a good massage or just because, without guilt. Someday.
A warm kitten that likes belly rubs and didn’t need anything else from me. Someday.
When I was a kid, I used to long to be at other people’s houses. Mine was empty, lonely, dirty, shabby. I loved my dogs and wanted to be with them but my home didn’t feel like a home. Now I don’t want to be at anyone’s house but mine. I like my home. I live with someone who helps contribute to the upkeep and maintenance. It’s cozy enough. It’s neat enough. It’s enough. I think that’s why Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car makes me cry. Escaping the-home-that-wasn’t was hard for me to envision in my younger days and now having made it out of my smallish town, I still get weird feelings about that.
Sushi three times a week. Nommmm. Someday.
A stack of 20 Innkeeper books and an entire 3.5 days to do nothing but eat, sleep, read, and occasionally get a bit of sun. That many Innkeepers don’t exist, so *hope* someday!
A whole week when no one asks me to do anything for work, home, school. Someday!
What little luxuries do you already enjoy or would love to add to your life?
Snippets of this song has been on repeat in my mind all week so I had to fully commit to it.
Year 5, Day 112: I ran some simulations on cFIREsim to soothe my general anxiety that’s been bubbling up. My variables: starting retirement in 2027, ending in 45 years, with today’s portfolio balance, and today’s spending (because I assume that costs will go up even if we drop some spending areas, and we’ll also add some spending areas). My simulations failed 20 of 106 total cycles, or succeeded about 80% of the time.
If I change just one assumption: my goal portfolio balance instead of using today’s portfolio balance, the simulations show 100% success.
I tweaked one more, keeping the goal portfolio balance and added an increase in annual spending because who knows, things could get really expensive some years: my simulations fail 4 of 106 total cycles, or succeed 96% of the time.
Here’s the problem with me using this simulator: I don’t have a good understanding of what the results really mean. It’s mildly reassuring to see that if I could stick with my job until 2027, and added enough to all our investment accounts to hit the goal portfolio balance, it seems we’d likely be fine even with some moderate fluctuations in spending. It’s validating to see that the goal portfolio balance I picked appears to meet our needs. But I don’t really get what I’m doing with these numbers. Also, I’m not sure it’s likely we’ll actually hit that goal portfolio balance in 3 years even with really aggressive saving/investing.
To give my brain something concrete to grab onto, I organized our accounts into three buckets to show a more realistic picture of how we could access our money in the future: Money available to us before age 60, money available when PiC turns 60, and money available when I turn 60. Numbers are still squishy but maybe this will help me get a grip on what we can expect. Also I probably want to figure out which accounts are the most advantageous to withdraw from first, and which accounts we want to preserve. Because it’s (probably) so far off, it’s felt too squishy to set a real structured plan. Also the future of healthcare is a real bugbear. I don’t know WHAT the future there holds but it’s sort of depressing to see how things are right now. It’s already so expensive and healthcare companies are so corrupt.
Year 5, Day 113: I’ve been saving this Anderson Cooper chat with Nicole Chung on grief for several months. Even though I feel like my grief for my mom has evolved to a more tolerable stage, it’s not just under my skin every day and night, it’s sunk into my bones so that I am deeply and profoundly aware of her absence at a cellular level. It’s become a part of me. The grief is still part of me, the regrets that I’ve struggled with, the guilt of not having been able to achieve even more all still reverberate through me at times. Lots of this conversation struck a chord with me:
“How do you learn to cherish your life when grief has made it unrecognizable? I’m starting to feel that we do so not by trying to fill a void that can never be filled, but by living as best as we can in this strange, yawning terrain. Our loved ones have left behind. Exploring its jagged boundaries and learning to see it as something new. I believe this because I feel that I am becoming someone new, someone who can remember and mourn and live without punishing herself.”
Much of my grieving for my mom was self recrimination for not doing better for her, not saving her from our financial struggles. I punished myself for years for that. It’s taken a lot of therapy to recognize it as punishment and likely will take more to forgive myself for something I shouldn’t need forgiving for.
“Nobody was really going to see or understand or miss them, at least in the exact same way I did, because I was their only child. I was not the only person mourning them, but I was their only child and it was so hard.”
In many ways, my brother is lost to me, and my dad is too, so I feel this grief about my entire nuclear family. Mom actually died but the other two can’t be part of my life anymore either and no one knows the things that parents and siblings know about you, about me, or shares those memories. It’s such a katamari of loss of my entire family.
You say “in this country, unless you attain extraordinary wealth, you will likely be unable to help your loved ones in all the ways you’d hoped. You will learn to live with the specific, hollow guilt of those who leave hardship behind, yet are unable to bring anyone else with them.”
Such a big part of grieving for me has been learning to forgive myself and recognize I don’t have control. There were things I wanted to control, and I wanted to make better for my parents that I, in the end, could not. I could not do enough. I couldn’t save my dad. I couldn’t be in there in exactly the way I wanted from my mom. I could continue to punish myself for that. I could continue to beat myself up and tell myself all this pain, this is just what you deserve because you weren’t there when they needed you. But I know that’s not what they would have wanted. I don’t think anybody we’ve lost wants us to heap more suffering on top of suffering in that way.
Year 5, Day 114: We just got a letter from the kids’ dentist: She’s going out of network because Delta Dental doesn’t pay enough. I had to ask a bunch of questions about what this means but ultimately it looks like, right now barring any rate increases, where the kids’ visits were covered 100% ($135 four times a year = $540), we are now having to pay the difference between their office fees and the maximum that Delta will pay. Right now, that difference is $150, so we have to budget an extra $600 a year for their twice yearly cleanings and checkups. I haven’t gotten the quote for x-rays yet, I’d better get that soon so I can figure out how much we have to set aside. Sigh. I get it, she’s only making less than half of what she could be, but that’s a huge blow to the pocketbook. Everything just keeps going up.
It won’t help to add a secondary plan since mine is also Delta Dental. The dentist’s office explained that Delta will only pay once up to their max regardless of how many plans you have. Sigh.
