About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Year 5, Day 61: Despite wearing sunblock and a hat, I managed to get sunburned this weekend. It’s really unusual for us to get enough sun for that to be a problem! Truth: We didn’t.
We went a little outside of our usual radius to spend time with friends and that little microclimate had Roasty Toasty temps. My face feels crispy. But I got to pet two large fluffy dogs at length over the weekend which is exactly what the doctor ordered so it was totally worth it. (Remind me I said that if I’m peeling like a lizard next week.)
School is nearly out and we waited too long to book some camps for JB. Our schedule is a bit spotty in places and we were trying to coordinate with their friends for some camps so ended up leaving it long enough that we missed out on some spots.
It’s ok, I don’t think they need to be booked every day of every week. They can handle a few days that are just unbooked and boring – they can sleep in, clean, read, do art, etc. Maybe I will also make myself take them on walks those days. Probably be good for both of us.
Year 5, Day 62: Holiday weekends are nice but the short workweeks after a long weekend are BRUTAL. Someday this will not be the case! (I am trying to have faith. In what, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just trying to have hope.) It’s also a wallop upside the head to try to get focused when you’re starting with a double Monday workload on the wrong day. It’s like trying to start a race with your weight on the wrong foot. I don’t get the Sunday Scaries but I sure do have the short workweek wobbles. Ugh. Anyway I’ve learned to plug those time chunks when I first sit down and need to corral my brain by doing a chore that I have to do anyway first. By the time I’m done with that bit of administrative nonsense, my brain has had time to remember what we’re here to do and can get to work again.
Having the strangest feeling: Do I know this song? Sort of? But I have no memory of hearing it in the past.
Year 5, Day 63: Did my 15 minutes of “KB Spangler” weeding this morning, with a begrudging heart. Someone ought to have warned us how much time in adult life would be spent waging a hopeless battle against the weeds. Also, I find it deeply unfair that the shallow rooted weeds are out in the open, easy to grab and easy to uproot but the deeply rooted weeds are wedged into the sidewalk and driveway cracks so I skin my fingers trying to get enough of a grip on them to dig them out. Humph.
Usually my pain pays me the courtesy of waiting until I lay down at night to spike into “curl up an cry” territory but mid-morning my back pain spiked. Like a genius, I pulled out the Hyperice to massage the muscles into submission. Usually I forget about it! Buuuuuut that backfired terribly. I had to pop some OTC painkillers and crank the heating pad to try and get it to back off. Nothing like getting mugged by your pain midday.
Then in the height of my pain, I had to conduct an interview. That was a miserable 10 minutes of anticipation. But the conversation went well enough that my pain faded to the background. I liked them. That doesn’t often happen!
Year 5, Day 64: I had to crank through mountains of work today: training people and processing documentation and planning for summer coverage and recruiting and OH GAH. So much. I hadn’t complained yet but PIC
Smol Acrobat didn’t nap again today and they are always a hysterical (both kinds) mess by the time we get to the bath and bed portion of the night. They cackled the whole way to the toothbrushing station, hissy-fitted between that and the toilet, then cackled all the way to the shower. It was emotional whiplash even though I was prepared for it. They rallied after the bath to run at me HARD and slam into me (JB style, honestly). When I objected “why did you push me?” they replied in a hurt voice, “I was trying to play a game!”
“OH! I didn’t know that! Ok, now that I know, let’s try that again.”
And then they gleefully rammed me again. All was well.
Year 5, Day 65: Just like that, JB is done with third grade! It wasn’t the easiest of years, when is it ever?, but they are sad that it’s over.
We went back to the school once everyone was gone and cleaned out their lost and found for them. This saves them the trouble of doing that laundry and donating it themselves, we get free clothes in generally good to great conditions (KIDS) to pack and ship to the Pine Ridge reservation. I can ship like 75 sweaters and jackets for $30! Wins all around except for my arms which are going to fall off!
Then I had to get to work 😱
I continue to wage war with United Healthcare which keeps denying my FSA claims for perfectly legitimate expenses. They tell me to “describe the service so we may evaluate your claim”. I DID. ARGH. But I will persevere!
I’m also on the hunt for native flowers for our front yard. I don’t typically want flowers but I’m indulging a weird kick right now and it also occurs to me that getting seeds of flowers I LIKE would be a step towards fighting against the weeds that keep taking over. I’m thinking snapdragons to go with my poppies?
TIL clumping bamboo exists and isn’t the terrible invasive type.
1. Scarleteen is fundraising through Give Out Day. I wasn’t totally clear on the platform they’re using for the fundraising but I know they’re a valuable resource so I donated to get them to their unique donors goal. This explains a little more about it.
Rescued from drafts, I didn’t realize I never finished this up.
Our travel cost breakdown
1. Food and lodgings: ice cream, Japanese $84+$88 2. Gas and parking: $oops I forgot to record this 3. $400 cash for shopping and cash only booth shopping (so this blends a bit with the other numbers) 4. Gifts for other people: 6+33+11+33+12=95 5. Gifts for us: 50+89+5+54+17+26+55+33+66 =$395 6. Badges for 2 adults and 2 children, $623 6. Dogsitting, $1100. 7. Stupid tax, $2.50. We had to pay cash tolls because we forgot to choose the “avoid tolls” feature on our maps and missed the Fasttrak lane. The last time I contended with toll problems was also in San Diego and also during Comic Con. Honestly, they’re so confusing! Total: $2704+
As always, this endeavor starts many months in advance. Badges are sold through a lottery system so it’s never certain that we’ll get in. I’m always grateful when we do.
Best moments
JB wanted to look at the dumpster fire booth, so we pulled over to ogle the stickers at the cash register counter. We apologized for getting in the dude next in line’s way, saying we just wanted to look and weren’t cutting. JB was intensely interested in the stickers so I said we had to go to the back of the line to buy. We can’t cut. The guy offered to get it since he was up to buy his stuff. I waffled a bit and then asked how much the stickers were: $5. Said “ok, would you mind? I can give you cash for them.” He buys his pile of stuff, hands them the stickers, then offers them his free lanyard with $75 purchase. I start handing him the $5+ change and he waves it off.
!!!!
What?! You don’t know us, whaaat? He just grinned and said bye. He’s made himself a mini Con legend in the family for $5+tax.
On Saturday, JB was contemplating their budget very carefully and decided against a sticker because they were saving their daily budget for a big buy the next day. A kind lady called them back to the booth and bought them the sticker.
On Sunday, I pulled them over to watch a professional artist sketching some commissions. I couldn’t see his name tags and I’m the absolute worst at recognizing faces. I do recognize that his lines were beautiful. I thought it was good for JB to watch a pro at work, and shared that with the artist. He very kindly asked another interested party at the booth to bear with him a moment, he wanted to oblige JB’s interest by filling in some more of the portrait he was working on. As he did so, he explained what he was doing and offhandedly mentioned that this drawing is a character from a comic I drew, Fables. I was stunned. We were interrupting Mark Flipping Buckingham. JB of course hasn’t a clue what that means but I was a huge fan of the Fables series and here’s the man who created that beautiful art chatting to my young kid very kindly and seriously, letting them squish his eraser and explaining how it works. He gave them very kind advice about art, what’s important is practice and learning, and then to top it all off, dug out an unfinished sketch, beautiful still, and signed it for them. I couldn’t believe it. A Mark Buckingham original sketch from a friendly chat. Who would ever have seen that coming?
Unlooked for parenting commentary (this is usually a bad thing): the fellow across the table from us was probably in his 50s. He kept to himself for a while but the two ladies between him and us asked about our experiences with Preview Night and that question got the table talking about the convention’s history, the WGA and SAG strikes (which we all support!), how the film industry is abusive etc. Smol Acrobat was sitting in their seat gobbling a cup of snacks quietly, absorbed, and the man commented: I’ve never been that well behaved in my entire life. Whatever you’re doing as parents, it’s working. Me: ohhhh that’s because they had a meltdown seven aisles that way! Him: so did I! 😂
It was kind of him.
The two ladies left and their seats were taken by a young man and his father. We looked away from Smol Acrobat for a minute and BAM the cup of snacks hit the ground. We apologized to our table companions for the mess underfoot and the father laughed saying that’s normal. His son asked quietly: was I ever like that?? We all laughed. I hear young adults ask their parents that all the time.
I pointed out we were all there at one point. He said I’ve been in this position (pointing at Smol) and that position (pointing at PiC).
We ran into a professional looking cosplay of Geoffrey the giraffe and Smol was enamored. We stopped to take a picture, me holding Smol on one side and JB on my other side. Geoffrey laid a hoof on my shoulder and Smol wouldn’t/couldn’t look at the camera, they were too busy cuddling the furry hoof.
Year 5, Day 54: A friend brought their puppy for me to play with and I had brain therapy on Saturday; we happened to linger by the dog park just long enough on Sunday to meet three very sweet dogs (one of which shoved her nose right into my face for the sweetest nuzzle and then placed herself firmly into a “Hug Me Now” position which I oh-so-gladly did); and this morning our local off leash dog greeted me with her usual intense I DO TRICKS YOU GIVE TREAT IS DEAL!
That was enough canine love that, despite my extreme fatigue, I’m not hugging rock bottom. I’ll take it for however long it lasts.
The kids have had a hacking cough intermittently for a few days and I tested them for COVID this morning. We got a very faint positive on both test kits from iHealth for both kids, but Smol Acrobat’s second test on AccessBio was firmly negative. If you hadn’t heard, Cue Health’s test kits are decertified. We scheduled PCR tests to try to get more definite answers.
I’m never happy (Zuko) #ATLA
Year 5, Day 55: It’s stunning how cavalierly the CDC’s managing COVID these days. I knew this at a superficial level but it hit home this week.
Our pediatrician advised us that, per the CDC, they’re treating symptoms only and treating it like a cold. IT’S NOT A COLD. Colds don’t affect you long term the way COVID does! This is depressing.
Our family has been doing our damnedest avoiding it since 2020 between masking, vaccines, and minimizing social interactions early on. Smol Acrobat is, somewhat predictably but still infuriatingly, the first of us to catch COVID. They were nearly asymptomatic (aside from full days of temper tantrums, is that a symptom?). They just had a cough that sounded just like every other cough they have had the past several months. Actually three of us had a similar cough but JB and I tested negative. I can’t tell if it’s because they have more frequent and prolonged exposure at daycare, probably(?) since the rest of us mask wherever we go. Breaking our streak was really upsetting. I had so hoped to dodge infection-level exposure until Smol Acrobat was old enough to mask properly. They’re good about masking when they’re with us, but the daycare isn’t able to help them mask.
Their pediatrician agreed that the appearance on the PCR and negative rapid tests, along with the physical exam, strongly pointed to the COVID having already run its course and that they’re no longer infectious. In one way, that’s a relief, I really needed childcare this week. In another, I’m still worried about any long term effects that aren’t obvious now and hate that they were running around the classroom, infectious, for who knows how long.
Year 5, Day 56: My crow (maybe? almost?) friend dropped in, literally, and cawed at me this morning. This is why I still have to carry my treat bag on all walks, who wants to be the disappointing human who doesn’t have treats on demand? After I left the offerings and walked away, they hopped over to pick them up. I meant to leave a third one but too many people were walking and driving by, so they hopped away looking casual. Next time.
The potatos in the garden are flourishing. I was inspired by Ilona Andrews’ potatoes in an old blog post, you might recall, and wanted the same. I now have the same! There are so many potato plants. Yay! My green beans and cucumbers took ages to germinate but are now shooting up nicely. Half the lettuce seeds germinated and haven’t done anything else, just frozen in time. That’s less satisfying. I know we’re still a very long way off from knowing if we’ll have anything to harvest but it’s nice to see something happening. We’ll have to travel sometime this summer, I’ve been wondering what we could easily set up for watering things while we’re out and about. They don’t need much but they do need a bit of water every day. Too bad we don’t have reliable neighbors who wouldn’t mind dropping by for a quick water now and again. I’m eyeballing hoses and things at Home Depot but I don’t know what I’m doing!
Solo parenting starts this afternoon: the kids are on notice they need to help me out with best behavior, we’re down one herder.
Year 5, Day 57: Solo parenting again, PiC’s still at a work thing. The morning was a bit of a bumpy ride but everyone got dropped off nearly on time with no tears or yelling so calling that a win.
Then I accidentally used up all my willpower stopping myself from eating more than 2 cookies after an early lunch, this is the sound of my brain flopping over and refusing to do anything else.
I’ve made it through to today without the Backpack of Doom feeling. Three days of dog encounters bought 3 days of vastly reduced depression and anxiety. Science!
I haven’t been able to get on top of my work all week. Too much time consuming daily work stuff, recruiting which I hate, and random corporate nonsense to deal with made my brain go CORGI all week in one way or another. I’ve been trying to just do the best I can on the few things I can control.
There’s also a thing happening all week that I needed a friend to untangle for me. Every time someone makes a suggestion, or hints, that I could be worth worrying about or caring about or deserve a rest, I get mad inside. I don’t know why but internally, I immediately PUFFERFISH. Friend suggested “Acknowledging that you are worthy of care makes you feel intensely vulnerable and your body turns to anger to shut down those feelings and keep you “safe”” which strongly matches my reactions.
I don’t know why it feels so vulnerable but it does. I don’t know why being mad and pushing away that care and vulnerability is the default response but it is.
Year 5, Day 58: Am I ever going to clear my (work) inbox? Signs point to no.
I needed to replace the sandals I ruined around Christmas, so I procrastinated almost 6 months and then ordered 3 pairs. ADHD or personal problem? Hard to tell. (Friend gesticulates wildly at the ADHD/executive function dysfunction sign.) It really was only meant to be one pair. But it was $54 for one pair or $60 for two. It felt silly not to get two pairs for $60 because if they’re really comfortable (like they appear to be?) a backup will come in handy. Then I had to replace JB’s broken sandals. I had a 30% off and free shipping code from T-Mobile for Crocs which stacked with a sale, and remembering how my last sandals were ruined (the beach) decided it would be good to have sandals the beach couldn’t ruin so easily. Three pairs of sandals for the kids and myself: $50. Not too terrible.
My hacking cough is pretty bad today. Thankfully it didn’t crop up until after my interview call but I still have other calls. Booo.
Smol Acrobat’s pediatrician is leaving the practice due to life stuff, and we’re hoping that he will return when those things wrap up. To that end, I wrote him a note thanking him for caring for Smol Acrobat because he clearly won over the kiddo in their few visits. They frequently ask if they can call or go see their doctor, I thought that might be nice for the doc to know even if he doesn’t come back.
I’ve hit the point of work overwhelm where it feels impossible and hopeless which is an odd kind of peace. There’s more anxiety when I have hope that I might wrap things up in a reasonable time frame.
“Let me tell you something about my brother, Divya. He has no vision. At all. He’s vision-impaired. My brother would not know a gold mine if he tripped over a prospector and fell into a gold mine.” #RoyalPains (This is me. I have zero vision. I’m a doer, not a vision person.)
Taking a moment to be grateful that JB genuinely enjoys working at the two activities we signed them up for years ago. I don’t have the (strong) urge to yell “do your best!” after them when they leave the house. I already know they will (for varying levels of “best” day to day). I do have to occasionally point out ways they’re needing to improve or commit a bit more, like, taking opportunities to face a challenging exercise even if you’re not going to be good at it at first.
We picked them for safety (swim and self defense) and for health (cardio!), and hoped for the best on the interest front. They would likely have enjoyed anything we picked because they’ve always had a wide array of interests, but it’s still something I am grateful for because we don’t have to fight with them to do the thing.
It offsets my awareness that wants to be guilt that we didn’t actually let them pick their activities. But it occurs to me that we probably will in the future when they’re old enough to make decisions like whether they want to continue with these and on a recreational or competitive level. I hadn’t thought of that before because they don’t have that autonomy yet, but it is striking how many parents here expect their kids, and then push their kids, to be specialists starting from a very young age. I didn’t even start having activities until junior high. But they were the activities that I wanted to do and so I tried my hardest at them.
Talking through the possibility of future sports for Smol Acrobat with a friend, I did feel a twinge of almost guilt? that we will attempt to take one path of least resistance and offer them the same activities as JB in an attempt to streamline life a bit. It’s the same proto-guilt that I feel about not letting them add more than two activities to their schedule: I want to give them more choices BUT my anti-desire to be stuck in the all-consuming trap of life revolving around the kids’ activities is much stronger.
Life with Smol Acrobat
When they’re in a good mood, they’re cute as a bug. They like to flip back and forth between play-emotions: I’m so SAD. *frowns, furrows brow* (I’m sorry you’re sad!) Oh! I’m happpyyyy!!! *big smile* (Yay I’m glad you’re happy!).
I picked up Duolingo again for the first time in several years and Smol Acrobat is surprisingly interested in it so I let them do lessons with me on the condition that they try to learn, too. They are practicing to speak bits and pieces as we work through lessons, and loves pushing the buttons for me (with help since obviously they can’t read). They CAN hear the differences in the spoken words, though, and they’re highly entertained by the whole thing. Both kids are, actually, but Smol Acrobat is the one who has begun to make ME repeat after them purely for their own entertainment: Mom, say: con. duc. tor! Conductor! Is a big word! Mom, say ex. ting. ish! Exting-ish! is a big word!
Pupdate
What a terrible month, in a terrible year. Early in the month, Sera suffered an infection that was really hard on her body, as was fighting it off. We made it through that only for her to relapse, badly. The hospital stay helped get her back on her feet, just enough to establish that the disorder had become so severe, there was nothing else that we could do for her. Nothing humane, anyway. We could take extreme measures and we could whip up a new cocktail of medications but none of them had a high likelihood of disease mitigation and they all had a high likelihood of introducing new complications so in the end, it was a simple (but not easy) decision. We brought her home for whatever time we could share before saying a proper goodbye when her symptoms returned. It was an awful week but I’m grateful we knew that it was our last, unbelievably unbearably hard, days together.
Her balance this year: $11,700.
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat accidentally headbutted me really hard in the face and exclaimed: sawwy! Sawwy!
Still wincing, I hadn’t responded yet, so they anxiously prodded: I said sawwy! Say “it’s ok little cat”??
*****
JB recounting their impromptu game with their younger friend: I electric shocked him three times, he should be dead!
But, he’s Bowser today, isn’t he? I didn’t think Bowser could be electroshocked? Yeah he can, I shocked his belly! It’s soft! Zzziiippp! Then I made him barf and then I sliced him up into tiny turtle parts!
*blink* ….. That’s …. that’s a strategy.
*****
Mommy, I want to play jump rope with you.
Ok, how do you want to play with two people?
You hold dis and you do DIS. You’re not enough bigger so I do dis. *flails wildly*
Yes… I see….
*****
We’ve (mostly me) been trying to suss out Smol Acrobat’s understanding of Sera’s passing. At first, they just said “Sewa is at de doctuh’s” thinking that she was hospitalized again. A few days later, they told me “Sewa … went to another pwace …. to stay….” I don’t really expect them to comprehend it yet but I want to keep checking in and keeping her memory alive.
Year 5, Day 47: My sadness meter is roughly around about 100% today. All the layers of grief are making a tiramisu of sadness.
Lots of things I wish I could tell my recently deceased friend.
Way deep down, I keep wishing my mom had been the surviving parent while also wrestling with the knowledge that even if she had, that would have been even more painful because she was really sick and I couldn’t have handled her care plus having kids. It’s not fair that the grifter parent is the one in perfect health. I think there’s a correlation between people with great health and terrible other things (like the people who always dismiss COVID as a bad cold because that was their experience).
Week three of working without my buddy hit me really hard. Or rather didn’t wear off from the wave of sadness that hit me hard on the weekend. If anything, it’s intensified with the start of the new week. I wanted to go on a family walk / hike with my dog for Mother’s Day, but I couldn’t. We had to get out of the house before the thought “my dog can’t go on a walk, she’s in a box now” crumbled me entirely.
We went to explore a bit in the city and it was less fun than I had hoped for. Honestly, I was a little bit hoping for some temporary retail therapy because even if I was still sad, at least I’d have stationery. But nothing appealed enough which is probably a good sign in and of itself that my sadness is too deep right now. We had several run-ins with brightly colored arcade-like claw machine set-ups that had Smol Acrobat moaning dramatically “I want to p’ay a gaaammmeeee” on repeat. That bit was not great but we cajoled them out of it long enough to get out of there and pick up a sack of banh mi for lunch which was well received by everyone.
“Or maybe he ran off so fast because he knew three pissed off soldiers and a kaiju were coming for him.” (Neagley) #Reacher
Year 5, Day 48: Semi-jokingly asked myself this morning: have you tried just not having depression and anxiety? How about we try today?
Can’t say it worked. Can’t say it didn’t work either? It didn’t dispel the depression and anxiety but the awareness that my physical feelings, this puddle of sad and skittishness, is caused by depression and anxiety rather than a personal failing helped me stick to feeling just that instead of punishing myself for being way below 100%. This puddle still stinks but it could be worse.
“I need a dog to be happy” and “I need fewer responsibilities right now” are both true facts and it’s feeling impossible to balance them at the moment so depression is kicking my butt.
I should text the neighbors and borrow their puppy for a bit. I just can’t face another conversation that Sera’s gone yet. Working my way up to it.
This day looked to be a day fully steeped in the tea of depression but then a friend mentioned Huskies singing and reddit and I had to go find this for myself. This is terrible and wonderful and I can’t stop laughing at it. So that was a nice break.
Year 5, Day 49: Speaking of my inherent trend to frumpiness, it took 13 tries to find 3 dresses that felt like they fit my present body and doesn’t require the dislocation of any single body part to put on, pull off, or zip up. I might have to try to sell off most of my pre-second-pregnancy dresses. That’s disappointing, I liked those dresses. At least now I have enough to get me through a few events that require me to be more dressy than the jeans, tee-shirt and hoodie uniform.
I’ve been putting sprouting potatoes into the containers as normal but some months ago decided to actually pay attention and water them a little every day.
“When you’re invisible, you can have all the amusement you want, without any of the expectations popularity brings.” (Penelope) #Bridgerton
Year 5, Day 50: Today’s theme: doom and dread. All day long all I could feel was this unsettling feeling of something terrible looming over me, metaphorically. Or metaphysically? Maybe both?
By late into the night, I felt it as a sense of worthlessness and terrible motherhood. Everywhere I turned was “proof”: JB’s memories book bulging with pictures and written memories, compared to Smol Acrobat’s slim volume. Even still, that giant memory book missed entire years of documentation because COVID and inability to be three people. I hate this feeling. I tried to walk it off, I tried to go get some sun in the garden and talk to the plants. It only budged very momentarily when that cute puppy rammed my leg for attention.
I put on Reacher this week since Alan Ritchson seems like a decent enough person between sharing his experience with mental health issues and pissing off the MAGA folks who expected him to be as horrific as they are in a recent interview: “Trump is a rapist and a con man, and yet the entire Christian church seems to be treat him like he’s their poster child and it’s unreal. I don’t understand it.” His mother remains staunchly Catholic, but he quickly swats away any associations. “It’s worth saying that the atrocities that are happening in the church that are being actively covered up, even to this day with people not being held accountable, is repulsive,” he says, as the tenor of his voice changes. “I can’t for one second support the Catholic Church while there are still cardinals, bishops and priests being passed around with known pedophilic tendencies.”
I always want to support the folks who speak the truth about this stuff. Also, I like Neagley.
I’ve been hanged, swung over a fire, and nearly shish kebabed on razor sharp spikes. How do you mortals get from day to day, y’know?? (Aries) #Xena
Year 5, Day 51: I can’t think of a routine health appointment I hate as much as eye exams. Give me a dental cleaning any day. I’m always left feeling somewhat hung over and nauseated after the dizzying array of slides and bright lights flashed in front of my eyes. Even worse, the dilation lasted more than 3 hours, and so did the accompanying headache.
I forced myself to take it easy for at least an hour, and eat lunch so I wouldn’t feel like I was completely wasting that time, and then finally got back to work later in the afternoon than I wanted to. Lucky we cancelled the dinner for our friends that we were planning to host, this would have been extra stressful. Maybe next time I have to have an eye exam I can also take the rest of the day off.
Do you know what is romantic? Security. #Bridgerton
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
