About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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May 21, 2024
Life with JB
Taking a moment to be grateful that JB genuinely enjoys working at the two activities we signed them up for years ago. I don’t have the (strong) urge to yell “do your best!” after them when they leave the house. I already know they will (for varying levels of “best” day to day). I do have to occasionally point out ways they’re needing to improve or commit a bit more, like, taking opportunities to face a challenging exercise even if you’re not going to be good at it at first.
We picked them for safety (swim and self defense) and for health (cardio!), and hoped for the best on the interest front. They would likely have enjoyed anything we picked because they’ve always had a wide array of interests, but it’s still something I am grateful for because we don’t have to fight with them to do the thing.
It offsets my awareness that wants to be guilt that we didn’t actually let them pick their activities. But it occurs to me that we probably will in the future when they’re old enough to make decisions like whether they want to continue with these and on a recreational or competitive level. I hadn’t thought of that before because they don’t have that autonomy yet, but it is striking how many parents here expect their kids, and then push their kids, to be specialists starting from a very young age. I didn’t even start having activities until junior high. But they were the activities that I wanted to do and so I tried my hardest at them.
Talking through the possibility of future sports for Smol Acrobat with a friend, I did feel a twinge of almost guilt? that we will attempt to take one path of least resistance and offer them the same activities as JB in an attempt to streamline life a bit. It’s the same proto-guilt that I feel about not letting them add more than two activities to their schedule: I want to give them more choices BUT my anti-desire to be stuck in the all-consuming trap of life revolving around the kids’ activities is much stronger.
Life with Smol Acrobat
When they’re in a good mood, they’re cute as a bug. They like to flip back and forth between play-emotions: I’m so SAD. *frowns, furrows brow* (I’m sorry you’re sad!) Oh! I’m happpyyyy!!! *big smile* (Yay I’m glad you’re happy!).
I picked up Duolingo again for the first time in several years and Smol Acrobat is surprisingly interested in it so I let them do lessons with me on the condition that they try to learn, too. They are practicing to speak bits and pieces as we work through lessons, and loves pushing the buttons for me (with help since obviously they can’t read). They CAN hear the differences in the spoken words, though, and they’re highly entertained by the whole thing. Both kids are, actually, but Smol Acrobat is the one who has begun to make ME repeat after them purely for their own entertainment: Mom, say: con. duc. tor! Conductor! Is a big word! Mom, say ex. ting. ish! Exting-ish! is a big word!
Pupdate
What a terrible month, in a terrible year. Early in the month, Sera suffered an infection that was really hard on her body, as was fighting it off. We made it through that only for her to relapse, badly. The hospital stay helped get her back on her feet, just enough to establish that the disorder had become so severe, there was nothing else that we could do for her. Nothing humane, anyway. We could take extreme measures and we could whip up a new cocktail of medications but none of them had a high likelihood of disease mitigation and they all had a high likelihood of introducing new complications so in the end, it was a simple (but not easy) decision. We brought her home for whatever time we could share before saying a proper goodbye when her symptoms returned. It was an awful week but I’m grateful we knew that it was our last, unbelievably unbearably hard, days together.
Her balance this year: $11,700.
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat accidentally headbutted me really hard in the face and exclaimed: sawwy! Sawwy!
Still wincing, I hadn’t responded yet, so they anxiously prodded: I said sawwy! Say “it’s ok little cat”??
*****
JB recounting their impromptu game with their younger friend: I electric shocked him three times, he should be dead!
But, he’s Bowser today, isn’t he? I didn’t think Bowser could be electroshocked?
Yeah he can, I shocked his belly! It’s soft! Zzziiippp! Then I made him barf and then I sliced him up into tiny turtle parts!
*blink* ….. That’s …. that’s a strategy.
*****
Mommy, I want to play jump rope with you.
Ok, how do you want to play with two people?
You hold dis and you do DIS. You’re not enough bigger so I do dis. *flails wildly*
Yes… I see….
*****
We’ve (mostly me) been trying to suss out Smol Acrobat’s understanding of Sera’s passing. At first, they just said “Sewa is at de doctuh’s” thinking that she was hospitalized again. A few days later, they told me “Sewa … went to another pwace …. to stay….” I don’t really expect them to comprehend it yet but I want to keep checking in and keeping her memory alive.
May 20, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 47: My sadness meter is roughly around about 100% today. All the layers of grief are making a tiramisu of sadness.
Lots of things I wish I could tell my recently deceased friend.
Way deep down, I keep wishing my mom had been the surviving parent while also wrestling with the knowledge that even if she had, that would have been even more painful because she was really sick and I couldn’t have handled her care plus having kids. It’s not fair that the grifter parent is the one in perfect health. I think there’s a correlation between people with great health and terrible other things (like the people who always dismiss COVID as a bad cold because that was their experience).
Week three of working without my buddy hit me really hard. Or rather didn’t wear off from the wave of sadness that hit me hard on the weekend. If anything, it’s intensified with the start of the new week. I wanted to go on a family walk / hike with my dog for Mother’s Day, but I couldn’t. We had to get out of the house before the thought “my dog can’t go on a walk, she’s in a box now” crumbled me entirely.
We went to explore a bit in the city and it was less fun than I had hoped for. Honestly, I was a little bit hoping for some temporary retail therapy because even if I was still sad, at least I’d have stationery. But nothing appealed enough which is probably a good sign in and of itself that my sadness is too deep right now. We had several run-ins with brightly colored arcade-like claw machine set-ups that had Smol Acrobat moaning dramatically “I want to p’ay a gaaammmeeee” on repeat. That bit was not great but we cajoled them out of it long enough to get out of there and pick up a sack of banh mi for lunch which was well received by everyone.
“Or maybe he ran off so fast because he knew three pissed off soldiers and a kaiju were coming for him.” (Neagley) #Reacher
Year 5, Day 48: Semi-jokingly asked myself this morning: have you tried just not having depression and anxiety? How about we try today?
Can’t say it worked. Can’t say it didn’t work either? It didn’t dispel the depression and anxiety but the awareness that my physical feelings, this puddle of sad and skittishness, is caused by depression and anxiety rather than a personal failing helped me stick to feeling just that instead of punishing myself for being way below 100%. This puddle still stinks but it could be worse.
“I need a dog to be happy” and “I need fewer responsibilities right now” are both true facts and it’s feeling impossible to balance them at the moment so depression is kicking my butt.
I should text the neighbors and borrow their puppy for a bit. I just can’t face another conversation that Sera’s gone yet. Working my way up to it.
This day looked to be a day fully steeped in the tea of depression but then a friend mentioned Huskies singing and reddit and I had to go find this for myself. This is terrible and wonderful and I can’t stop laughing at it. So that was a nice break.
Let me sing to you the song of my people
byu/Vermillion_Crab inAnimalsBeingDerps
This got a chuckle:
Every day my dog takes the biggest stick she can carry home.
byu/kippey inWhatsWrongWithYourDog
My first dog used to do this IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET (he was small though, so I could just pick him up):
Golden retriever not retrieving
byu/padmanabhapillai inWhatsWrongWithYourDog
Year 5, Day 49: Speaking of my inherent trend to frumpiness, it took 13 tries to find 3 dresses that felt like they fit my present body and doesn’t require the dislocation of any single body part to put on, pull off, or zip up. I might have to try to sell off most of my pre-second-pregnancy dresses. That’s disappointing, I liked those dresses. At least now I have enough to get me through a few events that require me to be more dressy than the jeans, tee-shirt and hoodie uniform.
I’ve been putting sprouting potatoes into the containers as normal but some months ago decided to actually pay attention and water them a little every day.
“When you’re invisible, you can have all the amusement you want, without any of the expectations popularity brings.” (Penelope) #Bridgerton
Year 5, Day 50: Today’s theme: doom and dread. All day long all I could feel was this unsettling feeling of something terrible looming over me, metaphorically. Or metaphysically? Maybe both?
By late into the night, I felt it as a sense of worthlessness and terrible motherhood. Everywhere I turned was “proof”: JB’s memories book bulging with pictures and written memories, compared to Smol Acrobat’s slim volume. Even still, that giant memory book missed entire years of documentation because COVID and inability to be three people. I hate this feeling. I tried to walk it off, I tried to go get some sun in the garden and talk to the plants. It only budged very momentarily when that cute puppy rammed my leg for attention.
I put on Reacher this week since Alan Ritchson seems like a decent enough person between sharing his experience with mental health issues and pissing off the MAGA folks who expected him to be as horrific as they are in a recent interview: “Trump is a rapist and a con man, and yet the entire Christian church seems to be treat him like he’s their poster child and it’s unreal. I don’t understand it.” His mother remains staunchly Catholic, but he quickly swats away any associations. “It’s worth saying that the atrocities that are happening in the church that are being actively covered up, even to this day with people not being held accountable, is repulsive,” he says, as the tenor of his voice changes. “I can’t for one second support the Catholic Church while there are still cardinals, bishops and priests being passed around with known pedophilic tendencies.”
I always want to support the folks who speak the truth about this stuff. Also, I like Neagley.
I’ve been hanged, swung over a fire, and nearly shish kebabed on razor sharp spikes. How do you mortals get from day to day, y’know?? (Aries) #Xena
Year 5, Day 51: I can’t think of a routine health appointment I hate as much as eye exams. Give me a dental cleaning any day. I’m always left feeling somewhat hung over and nauseated after the dizzying array of slides and bright lights flashed in front of my eyes. Even worse, the dilation lasted more than 3 hours, and so did the accompanying headache.
I forced myself to take it easy for at least an hour, and eat lunch so I wouldn’t feel like I was completely wasting that time, and then finally got back to work later in the afternoon than I wanted to. Lucky we cancelled the dinner for our friends that we were planning to host, this would have been extra stressful. Maybe next time I have to have an eye exam I can also take the rest of the day off.
Do you know what is romantic? Security. #Bridgerton
May 17, 2024
- I had a FULL ON panic, frantically looking up the grace period (61 days) for late payment of my life insurance policy, because I just found the premium notice on the shelf instead of filed away in the Big Notebook of Important Stuff. I scribbled out a check fast as I could, counting the days as I sealed up the envelope, hoping that almost 2 weeks was enough time. Then, while kicking myself, wondered why this bill wasn’t in my template for all bill payments, and went to fix that. But wait… it was… so …? I scrolled up two months and there is it. I paid it two months ago, on time and it was such a non-event I completely forgot to file away the paperwork as normal. Way to scare myself. But hey, my system worked/works.
- Grief hung particularly heavy this weekend so I’m glad that I’d been saving this snippet featuring Klaus, Dina and Arland to read: I Will Explain Everything
- We have delayed start on our washing machine and I like it. On days when I simply cannot get the laundry run during my work hours, I can fill the washer and set it to start the run after peak hours and then it’s ready for me to pop in the dryer early the next morning. That’s really nice.
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May 14, 2024
I have been cycling through ALL the phases of grief. My best coworker is gone. (Seamus was my supervisor: he had clear expectations of when I would start and stop work, and he would enforce them.) Sera would come to work with me when she was ready, sleep nearby, we’d go for walks, and come back to work after. We hung out all day long, in the quiet and in the bedlam when the kids were home.
When we first brought Sera home, the only being who truly existed for her was Seamus. It was love at first sight until the day he died. She coexisted with us humans but she was still too scared, scarred, or resistant to bond with us. She wasn’t ready. She was responsive to training over time for basic commands, but it was the work of years, not days, to bring her personality out of her fear and trauma-hardened shell. It was beyond hard, day to day progress was almost impossible to discern. We sought the advice of trainers after a couple scary incidents, and kept working at it. A friend helped us find a dogsitter that was experienced with reactive dogs, those vacations helped her meet and relax with friendly dogs. That wore away the edges of her trauma further.
Regardless of the trauma and fear, she was always ever-patient with the kids, only retreating to hide behind my legs when they were bickering or screeching loudly. (She never could tell when it was happy screeching or upset screeching. It’s ok, Sera, I couldn’t either.) The kids were scarily loud but she clearly never felt threatened by them the way she did with other dogs. The kids could lay next to her, lean on her, petting her nose, or her paws, or her tail (never her favorite bits to be petted) without any twitching. But she was always allowed to walk away, she was never cornered, and she would when she was over it.
Towards the end, when she’d refuse the medicine rolled in a pill pocket from me, she’d take it from Smol Acrobat a few times. She learned to trust them and even maybe enjoy their company a bit. If they left the house without her, she’d stand by the door, or sit by it, worrying there quietly until they came home or I called her away. I noticed she certainly didn’t do the same for me, when I went to run errands and returned, she’d always be curled up asleep on her bed. I wasn’t miffed. (Maybe a little, what am I? Chopped liver?)
We had finally started seeing the fruits of our training on walks in the past year. When she’d look across the street and see a dog she didn’t know, instead of lunging, growling, or barking, she’d look at me for a treat instead of reacting. I was so proud of her when she met a neighbor puppy and she just treated it like an annoying child of a dog. She appropriately disciplined the overeager pup with a lot of loud growling, but zero malice and zero fear. The moment the puppy submitted, and stopped ramming her like a freight train, she stood back calmly like nothing had ever happened. It was like a little miracle. I was even more proud of her when she spotted a dog that HAD aggressed her, out of fear, on meeting, and she just looked at me for a treat. They had history but she was still ok with seeing the dog pass by without reacting.
Several months ago, she stuck with me, following me from room to room wherever I went, every time I went in and out. It got so that I minimized my movements after a certain time. Bath and bed meant getting settled in bed for good, or else she would heave herself to her weary feet and come with me, slightly accusing: “Why did we have to get up again?”
I’d gotten in the habit of narrating the events of the day to her: “It’s ok, Sera, I’m just going to pick up JB right now. You can stay in here if you want.” “Time for walkies, Sera!” “It’s ok, Sera, I’m just dropping off Smol Acrobat, I’ll be back in an hour.” “It’s ok, Sera, we’re all going to hit the road together, no one’s leaving without you.” “We’re off to JB’s class, Sera, we’ll see you in about an hour.” Every day, I catch myself starting to tell her where I’m going or reaching over to pet her, or apologizing for yelling at my computer. She didn’t like that any more than Seamus did. Even the kids were attuned to our habits. Two weeks ago, I was putting on my coat, and Smol Acrobat innocently asked, “Are you taking Sewa for a walk?” I wish, kiddo.
She had her favorite sleeping spots to rotate through during the day, but at dinner, she laid by my feet. Occasionally she’d squeeze under my chair to lay under the table where other people could pet her with their toes but usually, she was just off to my right.
She even had friends of her own! The owners of the neighbor puppy adored her, she helped their pup learn some manners. Smol Acrobat’s little friend who was afraid of dogs loved her. They named their plushie after her, saying he wanted a dog just like her. Seamus was so well-loved and I had wanted that for her, too.
Then this year, she fell ill. I spent nearly every waking moment caring for her: six walks a day, 5 home-cooked meals a day, medications twice a day, bloodwork every two weeks, desperately trying to get through the worst of it and into remission. Most dogs die in the first two months of diagnosis. When we crossed the three month mark, and then approached the four month mark, I started to hope. I started to think maybe we had a shot. But we didn’t. The disease progressed too far too quickly.
Unlike with our other beloved pets, with Doggle who died suddenly, with Seamus who declined incrementally over weeks and months, this was clear-cut after a trip to the ER showed bloodwork that took away the last bit of hope. As painful as that last week was, we were able to do all the last things. Take all the last pictures, give the last hugs and kisses, offer the last treats. Share my lunch, which I have never done in my life. She was never a cuddler, or a lap puppy the way Seamus was, and it both filled my heart and broke it all at once when she cuddled and laid in my lap for the first, and last, time.
I am so lonely without my shadow.
May 13, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 5, Day 40: Infuriating. This is the second time I’ve filed a Dependent Care claim for FSA redemption on our daycare expenses and, once again, their website has pulled an “What are you talking about no claim was filed”. It’s disappeared entirely from their site. WTF United Healthcare?? They were reliably reimbursing us last year but they changed their site two months ago and now nothing works. Actually, from January, they were automatically denying claims first with incorrect codes (claiming we were out of the grace period, for all new 2024 expenses 😒) before backtracking and approving them. None of my claims for which I have saved confirmations since mid-March are appearing on the site at all. It’s ridiculous.
I’m still symptomatic from the virus that Smol Acrobat gifted me last week. After pushing too hard on Friday and feeling worse than ever, I forced myself to rest as much as possible on the weekend. I did NOT hill my potatoes. I did NOT pull weeds. I did NOT hack at the encroaching branches from the neighbors’ yards. Today, I chastised myself to do the bare minimum until I’ve shaken the hacking cough and all: no appointments, no running errands (I have 3), no doing the laundry, no extra anything until I can actually recover. It’s been 8 days, I’m thoroughly tired of this. And Smol Acrobat keeps asking me every 3 hours: are you fewwing better? And I have to keep saying no, not yet.
It should not be so hard to just not do things!
I did hill SOME potatoes today, just the one batch that was tall enough, and of course that wore me out. But I needed the satisfaction, along with accosting cute neighborhood dogs to pet them. We met a delightfully regal retriever today who was doing her best imitation of a statue as she enjoyed our pets. I asked her dogwalker to come by this way more often.
Year 5, Day 41: I found our neighborhood off-leash dog! We were excited to see each other. She did tricks for me in exchange for treats and then hunted down a tiny stick for me to throw for her several times. That was good for my heart. No dog will ever replace Sera, Seamus, or Doggle, but petting a dog is vastly superior to NOT petting a dog, any day of the week.
Checked on the plants, gave them a light watering, whispered “germinate germinate germinate” to the seeds.
I still have a racking hacking cough but I feel less horrible today, even though I wasn’t able to sleep until well into the wee hours. I could walk up a hill almost without stopping, almost without stopping for a long cough.
Got our CPA to find the check that I sent her weeks ago. She thought it’d never arrived and just didn’t say anything. All this time, I was waiting for her to cash it already so I can balance our cashflow. Glad I followed up and got her to look at her mail.
Year 5, Day 42: Everything’s coming up Milhouse this morning (in a limited fashion). Physically felt much less terrible today. I’m still pretty sick but the least sick I’ve felt for several days. I got to pet a neighbor’s fluffy dog. I had to drop off Smol Acrobat instead of JB and they were pretty cooperative. Traffic was ok going and returning, there was no line at Costco gas, there was easy parking at the notoriously awful parking lot by the place I had to return to (again) for fingerprinting, picking up my packages was super easy. No awful drivers on the road this morning. That was all a welcome respite from the stuff and nonsense waiting for me at my work desk.
For the first time in a long time, in thinking about this post where Nicole and Maggie’s touching on a topic that’s on my mind a lot (Do I really have it together? Have I been hiding things?) I felt not terrible about things. Also, I’m realizing I don’t have any idea what I mean by “together” anyway! Best I can say is I’ve kept most things on the conveyor belt moving most of the time, much like those moments in the chocolate factory about 14 seconds before it all goes horribly wrong in that I Love Lucy episode. Does anyone remember that? But feeling impending catastrophe is not the same thing as actual catastrophe. I’ve always tried to do the best I could, for highly variable values of “best”.
There are many things I wish I could do but can’t right now (in this very moment or this year or further out): supporting a grieving acquaintance, making plans with friends we want to see and haven’t in too long, horseback riding. I don’t have riding time (or money or energy) right now but it doesn’t sting to realize that as much as it once did. I can look at all those wants now as a “later / maybe in a few years” thing rather than an acute failure for not doing it now. Maybe it’s because I’ve made myself rest more during this grieving and illness period, my body and mind are finally getting a moment to heal a little bit. It’s not nearly enough rest but, for the first time in a while, I’m not using this time to kick myself when I’m already down. Therapy!
Though in this same vein, the place where JB does self defense keeps running special event! after special event! Social get togethers, competitions, seminars OH MY. I’m getting exasperated. They get 90 minutes of my time (or PiC’s) up to three times a week, who has time for all this extra stuff? If and when I add more stuff, it’s gotta be something that brings me some joy.
“So you think because the system always works for you, the system always works?” #LeverageRedemption
Year 5, Day 43: Warm day ahead and the birds know it. They’re singing their little hearts out this morning. I’m so grateful for my friend who sends many dog pictures and videos daily. It’s not the same as my Sera 🐶 (or Seamus, or Doggle), but it staves off the worst of the dog-loneliness.
We’ve got an unusually jam packed day: PiC’s appointment, JB’s self-defense class, open house. Our friend who doesn’t drive has an appointment late tonight and we’re both frustrated we can’t save them a bus ride by chauffeuring because we’re already over-committed.
Frustration at work keeps increasing. There’s a ton of pressure to fix problems caused by people acting in bad faith, produce more than we can produce, while taking a hit from a hiring misstep. But we still have to try to do the best we can do, even though we now know that it’s impossible to hit our primary KPI, and of course I’m responsible for making it happen. Thus, this headline from a Fortune article resonates: Workers are eyeing the exit in 2024 as LinkedIn and Microsoft study warns more people want to quit their jobs now than during the Great Resignation. For the most part, my job has had the key elements needed to support a comfortable life. Not enough balance but we were getting there. Things changed dramatically this year. It’s too early to say whether it was for the better or worse because a lot of change is still to come, but the changes that have already happened stink. We’re inundated with lousy new colleagues who just barely do their jobs a month and change after deadlines and I’m feeling absolutely stabby. ⚔️ Even while we’re grateful that PiC is still employed, I’m taking many deep breaths. I have to give this some time, not least because we aren’t ready to lose my income either. We can do this.
Third try finally worked! My set of fingerprints are finally approved for volunteering at the school. I don’t want to volunteer for most things that involve herding children and talking to people. I do want to volunteer to help out in the library sometimes. Once in a while. That’s for next year though.
Summer camps are booking up fast, and I’ve booked four weeks of camp with 3-4 more weeks to figure out. I volunteered to take 2 bonus kids (JB’s friend and their sibling) for one of the weeks where we could only do half days. I’ll still be working but figured the kids are old enough to entertain themselves enough to get by for 3 hours a day.
I need to just put the brakes on for literally anything else extra, for a while, I think.
“She’s your friend? You have friends?” #Xena
Year 5, Day 44: Smol Acrobat insisted on sleeping on my arm all night so naturally I couldn’t sleep. They sure woke up cheerfully, though. Still a whole lot more coughing and sneezing today than I’d hoped to be doing on Day 12 of this. I appreciated the day hitting the mid-70s one more time, though. These are our handful of summer weather days for the season, probably. The fog’s rolling back in soon enough.
I’m doing my best to resist the urge to eat all the Girl Scout Lemonade cookies. They’ll all taste great until I hit the fourth one and then it’s all regrets. Just two cookies!
Dear old friend and I had a short chat about how terrible things are right now. Every generation has had their horrible terrible thing that dominated the social consciousness, I admitted, we’re no different in that respect. She’s got 40 years on me, she personally remembers many of them. But, she pointed out, what’s different is this time it feels like democracy is about to collapse. We didn’t have that before in the middle crisis or the Vietnam war and protests and so on. She’s right about that. It does feel like fascism is on the brink of taking over completely more days than not.
“You and I will be together for all eternity” #Xena (Is it just me, or do only villain types think having to exist for an eternity as a good thing?)
May 10, 2024
1. We need more of this: Columbia And Barnard Alumni Announce A Boycott Of University Reunions And Plans To Send Funds From Alternative Events To Aid In Palestine
2. Can’t say I expected a seminary to be the first one but good on them! Union Theological Seminary votes to divest from companies profiting from Gaza war
Challenges this week: still grieving. Still sick.
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May 7, 2024
On Money
Income
Our primary income comes from our full time jobs. We have minimal income from investing in index funds and dividend stocks (all reinvested). We earn money on the side to supplement our main incomes. We get a bit of income from Swagbucks, cash back sites (Rakuten, Mr.Rebates) and affiliate links to Bookshop and Amazon sometimes pay a micro-commission to keep the blog running. The sidebar has ways to support the blog and our charitable giving.
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
***
Dividend income. We received $280.60 in dividends from the stocks portfolio. It all gets reinvested into our index funds.
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