About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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June 29, 2015
The following blog post is part of The Road to Financial Wellness Blog Tour. Over a period of 30 days, the Phroogal team will go to 30 locations to raise awareness about financial empowerment. Today they will be in San Francisco! Our goal is to help people learn about money by starting the conversation. We understand that local conversations can help bring about national awareness.
Fifteen years ago, I had $78 stashed into my (actual) piggy bank, a $1000 scholarship for college expenses, and an optimistic plan for my life: college, post-grad education, and a career.
Reality paid us a visit and in quick succession:
My parents lost their businesses after years of toiling 18-hour days, 365 days a year.
My grandmother moved in with us for end of life care.
My mom was diagnosed with a chronically debilitating disease (terminally, as it turns out).
My sibling, always irresponsible, started on his lifelong co-dependent relationship with debt.
And I turned 18.
Today, I’m happily married to the best partner I could ask for, have a wonderful dog and hilarious baby, and am nurturing a solid nest egg for our future.
I can hear “Well BULLY FOR YOU”. Hold on a second. I’m not gloating, and there’s a point to all this.
What Happened?
This wasn’t the plan. Any of this. I had a very clear vision of buying homes, getting doctorates, and there was nothing in there about getting married or having kids.
As my family fell apart, I coped by planning to take care of them, get them on their feet, then move on with the regularly scheduled program. Five years, tops. Five years turned into six, then seven, then eight. Around year 10, it sank in. This was it. There was no magic solution. Another $5,000 wasn’t going to cure Mom, or my brother, or get Dad a job.
I had to dig in for the long term and make the best of it.
This was my journey out of debt
I’m not sharing this to say “If I can do it, anyone can!” Though I would like to believe it, that’s too simplistic. While it’s true that if *I* can learn a new skill, almost anyone could probably also learn a helpful new skill but that doesn’t mean that my road is your road is the other person’s road.
I am saying that, given the inclination and a few resources, we can usually make the improbable happen.
These are some of the key lessons I learned, maybe sharing these will help someone avoid learning the hard way.
Debt is awful.
The tens of thousands of dollars in debts incurred over years of running their small businesses, some on credit cards and some in personal loans, meant that my parents were shackled to huge monthly payments forever and ever amen. Paying the minimum every month made them the credit card company’s dream. Sure, keep on paying 1% of the principal plus 27% of pure profit, make their day.
I used my as yet unblemished credit history to shuffle high (think, 27%) interest debts over to 0% interest credit lines, $5,000 at a time, to actually start paying down principal. Rinse and repeat several times.
With each credit card down, I tucked away a little bit more cash, so that the next time an emergency happened (and it would, many times), I wasn’t just jumping back into the black hole of credit card debt.
To this day, the only recurring debt that doesn’t give me the screaming heebie-jeebies is mortgage debt and that’s only because we have to live somewhere.
Making money usually means work.
It wasn’t always fun and it definitely wasn’t pretty. But the end result of working my tuchus off was surviving college without any debt, emerging with some savings, and even better yet, seriously reducing that debt.
Scarlett O’Hara had a point
I never (ever ever ever) wanted to go back to that so I maximized savings and income. Overtime was my best friend. So were coupons, credit card bonuses, and credit card rewards. Points programs for surveys? Points programs for email clicks? I was all over them. Every penny.
Negotiating raises and promotions was awkward and nerve-wracking but I dove in, flailing like drunken monkey. It stayed awkward but I kept trying.
Being poor sucks but it doesn’t make you a bad person
There was a certain amount of luck involved. There’s been a bit of help from people that I couldn’t ever repay. This is true of most people, even if they don’t know or acknowledge it.
But throughout it all, I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I hadn’t pulled off the Rescue. I was ashamed that my family I’d been so proud of for so long was unable, or unwilling, to do what was needed to fix our problems.
It didn’t matter that going from being a schoolkid to a student supporting a whole family in a single step was probably too large a leap. It didn’t matter that I had been traveling an almost parallel course of chronically declining health, with very few answers, even as I struggled to prop my family up.
It felt like our economic status was a reflection on me and if I didn’t want to be judged, no one could know our struggle or that we were poor. It’s strange living in a country viewed by many as the land of opportunity, particularly as the first generation of immigrants born here. You’re in the unique position of having been given a gift of life in one of the best possible places (a first world country rather than second or third) and you’ve got to make the best of that gift.
It’s not wrong, but it’s not entirely right, either. I should make the best of winning the genetic lottery, yes, but the problems we faced, just because I had taken on the responsibilities, they weren’t my fault. It wasn’t my failure. That’s probably been the hardest lesson to learn.
The most painful conversation of my life was the one I had with my dad was the day before my wedding. I finally confessed that I felt unbearably responsible for Mom’s last years, for my brother’s inability to do life like a fully cognizant human being, for being unable to fix everything and everyone. The guilt I carried was worse than the heavy lifting of the work itself and I finally had to lay it down.
Taking our next steps
These days, it feels like I’m living the high life. Sure, compared to my regional neighbors (ahem, Silicon Valley), we’re pretty far down the economic food chain, but for me? We’re doing well. We can always do better and I’ll keep working at it because there is still so much I want to do. I love to help people with their finances, but on a larger scale, there’s still so many people out there that need help.
The better life gets, the more we can give back. Years ago, others who were doing well took the time to lend me a hand, to support or encourage me in some way that was small to them, but huge to me. This is a life cycle I’m proud to be a part of.
June 26, 2015
This is the toughest question.
How do you choose a guardian for your child?
Right off, my immediate family is off the list. No way I’d trust my sibling or my father with the care and raising of LB, period.
Not even if they had enough income to do so. But of course I would expect to leave our entire estate in trust with annual disbursement allowances for care and maintenance and education and I doubly wouldn’t trust either one of them not to be completely foolish or selfish. (Can you really double zero trust? Just for emphasis.)
So that’s right out. And so are just about all my extended family half of whom I wouldn’t trust farther than I could heave a tree stump with a candy bar, much less my child.
Then we have to think about what we’re looking for in substitute parents which is what guardians would ideally be.
Our criteria
Who has the same values as we do?
Who has similar, or equally valuable, life experiences that they can pass on?
Who has a good grasp of setting boundaries and enforcing discipline?
Who has some experience in parenting and therefore understands inherently that every child is different?
I have a horror of leaving LB to guardians who think children should be cookie cutter personalities, or that they have to be pushed to excel beyond their limits, or any number of unreasonable things.
And it’s not all about LB. Seamus is going to need a good home and care as well. I’d much rather they stayed together but it’s possible that could be harder.
If they can’t stay together, if the best home for LB isn’t one that can take him on, then we just need to find them best home for him, period. He is well liked by one set of friends but he hasn’t earned the place in their hearts where they ask for him to come visit for weekends and longer just because they love having him around. That was Doggle. If we had a terrible accident I always knew we had at least one friend who positively doted on Doggle and would have taken him in immediately. (Yes I am absolutely planning on leaving the dog a bequest. How could I not? He’s still our responsibility and dog cannot live on love alone.) He, and any other companion critters we might adopt, will still need homes, food and veterinary care.
At this time, I have one family member who knows me best and respects me as an adult person. That’s probably going to be my first choice for LB – this person was close to me and my mom and so would know how to substitute for me. Next best would be a couple of friends I love and respect but I’m not totally sure if I could ask them for such a big favor.
PiC is likely to nominate someone on his side.
We’ll have to pick one person to be the first choice rather than co-guardians as that could be confusing for LB and complicated as well. Either way we go, I feel like LB risks losing touch with some of hir family because our two families don’t have much to do with each other.
Ultimately, this stage of planning, unlike any other, seriously underscores how important it is that we stay alive and well.
More Estate Planning:
Estate Planning (ICE): Life insurance
Estate planning (ICE): Advance Health Care Directive
Estate planning: the In Case of Emergency kickoff
June 24, 2015
I’d been reminiscing about my mom, and even though there are some material things I cherish, the clearest, most important memories were more about how she was a great person and an amazing example for an awkward and introverted little kid.
Naturally, I think some activities are worth the money (traveling, learning new cultures, learning that the world is a big place, delicious foods), but I tend to be heavily biased toward the kind of childhood things that money can’t buy.
My Favorite …
Childhood birthday gift: my first and very own piggy bank from my older cousins. I still have it and will probably pass it on to LB.
Adulthood birthday gift: everything PiC picks. But if I had to choose just one, it’d be the Tiffany necklace he picked. I never would have picked it myself because it was extravagant and unnecessary. But if I were to pick something from their catalog, this was the one piece that would have made the cut. It was a cute pendant, in a shape I liked, and fairly low-priced for a Tiffany piece.
Food: Pho. Spring rolls. Cheese. Bacon. Pasta. Bread. Bartlet Pears. Prosciutto. Carnitas. I can’t do this one.
Travel Destination: Italy. Eating in Italy. Probably all of it. Send me to explore the rest of it to be sure!
Person: PiC. LB is a close second but we have to wait and see if ze becomes a human we respect and like, as well as love automatically as hir parents.
My Favorite Memories
Elementary school: my parents’ sticker system. We could earn stickers from school for doing various good things. Every 10 stickers we brought home could be redeemed for a small slurpee from the 7-11 down the street. I drank a lot of slurpees.
Poker face: Mom used to say she could read me like a book. As I got older, she explained that while this worked well for her as a parent, it wouldn’t be good for me in the outside world if strangers could read my mood and therefore manipulate me. That’s when it clicked that she wasn’t telling me I couldn’t have emotions or opinions, just don’t project them! I finally mastered the blank-neutral face a year before she died.
Temper, temper: Tempers are a family legacy but Mom firmly believed that we could overcome almost any genetic flaw. It took years for me to learn to quit letting my temper lead the way.
I have skills?: Cousin G taught both my sibling and I the art of manipulating yarn. He got crocheting lessons and I got knitting lessons.
Love thy face: Mom discouraged the use of makeup early on. She didn’t disapprove of it, she used it regularly herself, she just preferred that I didn’t make it a habit before I was 16 or so. She used makeup in an era when the ingredients weren’t always kosher and could contain dangerous bleaching chemicals to achieve the complexion smoothing or whitening effect that many ladies sought. Until and unless I could afford good quality makeup, she cautioned, it was best not to risk my skin. Besides, if I became too used to always wearing a full face, it could be hard to appreciate my normal unadorned face. This made enough sense that I never got into makeup during those early years when experimental (and often bad) makeup was expected and now I just don’t wear it because I lack the basic skills. *shrug* Someday I’ll learn.
What are some of your favorite things & memories?
June 22, 2015
Today, I’m very pleased to answer a reader’s question about credit cards. Feeny asks:
My husband and I unfortunately ruined our credit (before we met) in our early 20’s. We are working on being debt free but as we all know it takes time.
We are expecting our first child in about 2 months. I keep getting told that we need a credit card in case of emergencies. Right now we don’t have anything.
My question is two fold: would you recommend a credit card “in case of emergencies” and if so, what is a low credit/no credit card you recommend?
I asked for some more detail about their debt repayment plan so that I could give a slightly more informed answer.
We are repaying what we can without living in poverty. Putting cash money in savings means more to me than paying back debts, although some days I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing!
Without numbers, I can only give some philosophical guidance but I think that’s still useful.
You do need something in case of emergencies and that something will vary depending on your circumstances and your habits. A credit card is an easy thing to recommend if you’re just looking at the situation superficially.
My reason: If you don’t have the cash on hand to pay for that emergency, then what exactly does a credit card change? It floats your emergency costs for about 20 days, give or take, after which the CC company then starts charging you interest up the wazoo. And there are plenty of people for whom that interest would take a relatively manageable surprise expense into a long term shackle around your ankle.
Now, if you have another backup plan for the emergency, like some saved cash that you just have to transfer back from an online only bank, or a family member who can bail you out temporarily while you get the cash together from your usual income because the emergency is just a bit bigger than for the cash you have in hand, then credit card? Sure!
Credit cards are a useful tool, I use them all the time to my benefit, but it only works if you know how to be responsible with them AND you have the means to be responsible with them. Knowing what you should do doesn’t help you when you don’t have the cash to pay the balance in full before they start charging you extra, right? Then you have Emergency Cost + Interest (which is calculated daily, just to further benefit the credit card company), which compounds every month.
What would I recommend, then?
I am actually in favor of putting cash away into savings even while you’re paying down debt, as long as you can keep the interest rates on your existing debt under control. No matter how slowly you build this cash savings, having it is a buffer against another unexpected expense putting you into a debt spiral. This was part one of my two-pronged approach to taking down the huge six-figure debt for my parents: putting a stop to more debt while paying down the existing debt. It’s not easy but it worked very well for me.
If you know that you can comfortably and responsibly put a credit card on ice, essentially only taking it out for actual emergencies that you can later cover with that savings, then yes, I would recommend doing that. It’s a tool, after all, and there’s no reason not to have multiple tools in your toolbox.
What cards would I recommend?
Specifics I look for: No annual fee. Good rewards. Moderate interest rate in case you have to carry a balance even temporarily. The interest rate will depend on your credit score, so I won’t list those here. They tend
For customer service, American Express is hands-down my favorite so I’ll share what I’ve carried for over a decade but you don’t necessarily want to use a travel-specific card unless you have to travel a lot anyway, in which case you may as well benefit. Chase and Citi have both been good over the years.
American Express Hilton Honors:
No Annual Fee
Complimentary Silver status, Rewards are Hilton Honors points
Citi Double Cash:
No Annual Fee
1% cash back at purchase and another 1% back when you pay the balance.
Citi Simplicity:
No Late Fees, No Penalty Rate and No Annual Fee
Current offer: 0% Intro APR on purchases and balance transfers for 21 months – sort of an argument to wait a little bit to get the card, I guess.
Chase Freedom:
No Annual Fee
1 Ultimate Rewards points per dollar spent
0% Intro APR for 15 months
Bonus:
These are the rewards programs I like for this stage of life (debt reduction) should you decide to use the credit card regularly and paying the balance in full every month.
Chase Ultimate Rewards: My favorite thing about this cash back program is that it’s true cash back. Redeem your points for a direct deposit into your bank account and defray whatever bills you have. Rinse and repeat. This was one of my little debt repayment strategies: Every dollar had to work twice for me: once in paying for whatever I bought, the second time in generating cash back.
Citi Thank You points: Not a favorite but I still like it. Redeem TY points for gift cards, either to use as gifts or to cut down on what you have to pay out of pocket for regular purchases.
Those are my thoughts, what would you recommend to Feeny?
June 17, 2015
Thanks in large part to PiC, our reputation as hosts for the SF Bay Area remains untarnished. If there was a Great Hosts Club, I think we’d be eligible to join. A dear friend spent a weekend with us and with a bit of planning, a lot of flexibility, and a soupcon of adventurousness it couldn’t have been more perfect.
It could have been actual perfection if we had miraculous recoveries from our various health issues but other than that, it was perfect.
Most of the time was spent catching up, talking about life and money and kids and travel and just, oh, everything under the sun. We tend to fail miserably at exploring our own city but having guests is an excellent way to kick us out and discover.
When we ventured beyond the front door….
Remember the Nopalito fail? We redeemed ourselves with take out.
The painted tiles are gorgeous. Who knew?
16th Street painted tiles
My suggestion of NOT trying to cross the bridge and get an excellent view of it: great!
Our first visit to Crissy Field
Crissy Field, view of a foggy Golden Gate Bridge
I had forgotten what delectations can be had from Arizmendi Bakery (a co-op).
Cheese bread, peach strawberry scone, oat scone
We actively practiced respecting our limits, not being fools or pushing ourselves too much. One of the stupidest mistakes I make when traveling or hosting is failing to recognize when my body’s about to bow out. Another is failing to flock to the birds of my feather: those who are considerate of all physical limitations and find ways to have fun without catastrophic regrets.
So this weekend? Mutual respect, good memories, happy plans to make more.
June 15, 2015
I can take on any dog or cat and trim their nails but holy shekels, trimming LB’s nails is … a nail biter.
***
I didn’t know it was normal for babies to hate tummy time. LB spent a lot of time faceplanting for most of the first few days, crying angrily.
We don’t seem to have growth spurts at regular intervals. We have five days on and two days off, if we’re lucky, from the things that seem to indicate growth spurt: increased appetite, intermittent wakefulness through the night. Makes for interesting sleeplessness on the part of hir hapless parents but also incredibly interesting development. We could see hir cognition becoming sharper and more focused one day to the next, adding deliberate interaction and movement to the mix.
One day, ze held my hand and selectively chewed on one finger at a time, clearly testing and rejecting on the search for the perfect finger. The next day ze picked up hir pacifier and tried to put it in hir mouth.
Out of the blue, ze decided that ze was going to turn over on hir belly from hir back. I couldn’t tell you what brought this on. Over 6 days, ze started the attempts. One every other day. On the last of the 6 days, on hir third actual attempt, ze made it. Angry and crying the whole time. Once accomplished, it seemed forgotten but really ze was just gearing up for five more days of seeing what else ze could do with this skill.
***
Some day, ze will sleep in hir crib for daytime naps, right? RIGHT? Please say yes.
***
The answer IS yes! We had to break all the rules but since ze is so strong, I’m not so worried anymore. Ze always rolls over onto hir face now that ze has mastered the art, so over the course of a few weeks, we added blankets and pillows and bumpers to the crib, experimenting with what seemed most comfortable.
Ze gets stuck on hir belly because apparently rolling from the back is easy but rolling from the belly is not. My child, ze is backwards. But in the process, ze often gets a limb stuck in the prison bars, so bumpers were much safer. It’s helped a lot, and once a week, ze might even sleep more than 6 hours at a stretch! And the cozier (blankes and pillows) the bed, the longer ze might sleep.
***
The moment LB actually looked at us, not through us, or past us, or around us, but actually directly at us was pretty cool. But far better was the moment that ze progressed from smiles to little gurgles to full blown belly chortles. It’s intoxicating! Hir eyes just about disappear into the creased chubby cheeks, hir mouth opens wide and curves into a huge toothless grin, the laugh wells up from hir toes. Hir whole body shakes with each outburst of glee. Needless to say, once I discovered that kissing hir cheeks or tickling hir cheek with my hair accidentally produced that chortle, I did that forever. Or at least until my face hurt from laughing.
***
Lots of “holy crap, this is OUR child” moments.
Ze rides in the stroller the way I ride in cars, feet kicked up, slumping down into the seat;
Crinkles hir face like I do;
Has some of PiC’s facial features;
and some of mine.
Weird.
June 10, 2015
Or is it the perfect number?
I have a half dozen friends who were onlies and happy about it. Half a dozen others who wish they were onlies, and dozens more who are glad they had siblings.
PiC always wanted a crowd. I wanted none. Or rather, I was open to the idea of raising kids generally but never felt the urge to procreate. Adoption always seemed like a better way to go but, either way, having a family of humans wasn’t imperative.
It’s decidedly disconcerting to be pondering this mere months after having LB but it started as a practical question. We do have to figure out what to do with the pregnancy clothes and new baby accoutrements and with very little storage space, the question becomes even more pressing.
Now that we’re on the other side of a somewhat difficult pregnancy and survived a few months of a baby that hated sleeping, neither of us are under any illusion that having a baby is fun. There are rewarding moments, absolutely, and it is true that the first time (and pretty much all subsequent times) your child sees you and is so pleased ze grins like a loon is something else. It’s pretty awesome figuring out how to extract baby giggles, too.
But the survival of all involved is no mean feat either.
The physical demands: We’re not young anymore. All nighters were terrible when youth was on my side, they’re far worse now.
The emotional demands: We solely existed as parents in these months, there’s no time or energy to be partners and adult individuals. And that’s exhausting in a whole other way. The first time ze went to sleep and stayed asleep even after being put in bed, we had no idea what to do with ourselves. (We ended up having dinner and a conversation.)
Financially, good grief. Diapers, and wipes, and hiring help. Breastfeeding was a must for LB’s health and saving money but despite having it really easy compared to some, it was chemically difficult. When I was tired (All The Times) feeding or pumping triggered a serious dopamine drop and a wave of depression overtook me. I had to talk myself off a ledge every time. I even started a Twitter hashtag to distract myself from the awful feelings. Still I provided the bulk of hir nutrition because formula is so expensive.
This may sound coldhearted but on the point of sheer exhaustion alone, before we consider how hard the pregnancy was the first time, neither of us are inclined to do this again.
And yet, strange twist. Despite my own life experience, despite always ranking sibling fighting alongside death and taxes (all are certain, all suck), there is a part of me that wants LB to have a companion who could, for as long as they’re inclined to be around each other, be there to reminisce about childhood things that they’d not share with anyone else.
I can’t do that now because my sibling is, bluntly, a shit. He almost always has been but in 30+ years, we did have 2-3 years when we got along and shared that bond. This isn’t a glass half full thing, that made his later choices a far worse betrayal, but I can’t deny that I did get to have that relationship for a short time. Later, his mental issues complicated things further. Much like having gotten a couple good years with my parents before life fully hit the skids, it reminds me that though I loved and lost, LB isn’t necessarily doomed to the same fate. Some people do get to enjoy good relationships with their parents. Some people do get to share life with their sibling in a positive way. Knowing that, there’s a small part of me that wonders if I’d be depriving hir of one of the most important relationships ze could have.
Looked at another way: having this sibling was hugely formative. Would I be who I am today if I had had the older brother I yearned for? If he’d been someone who excelled and applied his numerous talents, someone who looked out for me and guided me professionally? Would I be half as strong if I hadn’t had to learn how to act both as my own advocate as well as kick my own butt to forge a road of my own? Life could have been so much easier if he worked alongside me to support our parents but would I have had the same fire and determination to grow my career to this point so that I’d have the freedom to live a real life, the ability to choose to put my family first? Or would the easier road have left me softer, somewhat less ambitious, more willing to accept less because there was a safety net rather than a chasm gaping at my heels?
Maybe I would have. But I suspect that I would be a much different, much less successful, much less driven person.
I was a born follower. I always wanted to follow big brother and so follow him I did, right through a morass of trouble and back to safety and, never incidentally, punishment. Every time. My heart was not adventurous, my dreams were nightmares, and rarely did it occur to me that there was more to life than the books I devoured. I needed someone to follow and, as charisma and vision were his domains, I would have trundled along after him like an ant following a chemical trail. Without his failures, without a big push, I might still just be following.
He always wanted a brother so he did his best to remake me in that image, manipulating me into doing his dirty work like killing the spiders, climbing fences and other stereotypically boy escapades. Scion of a matriarchal family, I was a born scrapper but I learned to throw a real punch fighting with him. And fight we did, physically and emotionally, for nearly all of our lives. Bullies, wanting a bit of superiority marked me, all bookwormy and solitary, as an easy target only to rapidly retreat when I gave as good as I got. In the process of making me his “little brother”, he preyed on my every weakness, teaching me that the very existence of fear was a soft underbelly you never showed people. To this day, I won’t confess aloud that anything scares me because that’s an invitation to be pounced on.
High school was the first time I had to make my own way and my 12-year-old knees trembled at the unfamiliar ahead of me. Mom scraped up the cash to send him to private school, worried that he’d fall in with the wrong crowd at the public school, but as the academic and responsible kid, I was on my own. That was the first time that distinction between us had been made so clearly and that would follow us the rest of our lives. I often wondered how much of the family joke, subverting the usual expectations assigned to birth order that I would be the successful one and he’d depend on me, was a self fulfilling prophecy and how much was merely an accurate read of our characters.
The truth is, in many ways, my sibling’s inability to cast a shadow was as influential in forming the person I am as anything my parents instilled in me. I learned from them: facts, figures, morality. But I became more by pushing away from him, from our friction, in my need to redeem our family reputation.
Many people take comfort in their siblings. I am grateful when an encounter with him doesn’t give me weeks of nightmares. So it’s perhaps strange that I seemingly credit him with some large part of who I am. But it only seems fair to say that adversity tempered me and boy howdy did he throw challenges my way.
It’s not a theorem that can be solved for the best possible outcome. Much as I abhor math, I’d be working those numbers in a heartbeat if it could be done. So many “what ifs” crowd together: What if LB is like my sibling (terrible)? What if a future second kid is that awful person? What if LB would do so much better with a sibling?
All I can do is hope we do a good job with LB and have a LOT of help if we try again.
What say you? If you had them, were your siblings a joy or a bane? If you didn’t, did you wish for them? Or are you glad you dodged a bullet? How does that inform your choice to have or not have kid(s)?