February 5, 2024
Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (192)
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 307: JB has the day off so they are running errands with me and having a second tutoring session with the second of two teachers I booked to try to help them get a grip on fractions.
I squeezed in some hours of work over the weekend to clear more of my inbox of the routine stuff so I’d have time to do errands without falling too far behind. The only good thing about that is when I hit “Exasperation: HIGH”, I can walk away. Not so much during the week.
I overdid it both days on the weekend on the personal side too: cleaning the house on Saturday, walking the kids to the park on Sunday for an hour-long outing, and passed out both afternoons when I was resting from the exertion and the pain it stirred up. It’s not a pain flare, it’s more of a pain … volcano bubbling up? There are no good analogies for this stuff. But after being on my feet for any amount of time, my back and hips ache and burn. That pain combined with the fatigue knocked me on my butt. I’ve been taking 200 mg of CoQ10 daily on the recommendation of the ME/CFS folks at Kaiser but this week I’m experimenting with upping that to 300 mg daily. Their recommendation for magnesium is only one tenth the amount that my body prefers, so there’s always a chance that the same principle applies to some of the other supplements. Here’s hoping that the increase doesn’t set off any/many side effects.
In the garden, my onions are now on Day 146 after planting day, and the green tops are still not turning yellow and falling over. They aren’t even from seed, they’re from sprouted onions we broke down and planted! The guidelines all gave rough ranges of 90-125 days from planting, growing, and ready to harvest. Do we have mutant onions? Do we have onions at all? Do we just have onion tops that won’t stop growing and nothing underground? Is it weird that I’m afraid to poke around and find out lest I somehow disturb and therefore destroy them?
I’ve never grown onions before, obviously, this is all strange.
Year 4, Day 308: A friend shared a TikTok about a cat who needed a bit of sedation before going back to the vet and the mental image of the little cat face, pupils dilated and totally stoned, with the little mrow? got to me. Having never had the slightest curiosity about drugs in any way, and hardly any interest in alcohol, the “must be nice to be checked out of reality for a bit” sentiment is new to me. I’m not seeking it, my reasons for never experimenting still stand, but it’s telling how overwhelmed I’m feeling right now.
I’ve been working late hours all month, trying to catch up from the holidays and then sickness and then sickness and then exhaustion… And work is its own maelstrom of stress right now in so many ways.
Then we had JB’s self defense class and we got assigned homework which made me regret picking this place that expects parents to practice with their kids as if we have the time and energy to do that on top of taking them to classes. Then the part of me that knows it’s important to do that practice at home feels guilty because they’re not going to improve without support. And it is so important to me that they learn these skills so I have to provide that support. So we practiced after dinner which sucked because they didn’t take it seriously and kept giggling and I was at the end of my rope already anyway so that made me mad and while we hugged after it was all over there was a lot of snapping and sternness during the practice session because I hate it when people disrespect my time and very limited energy. Even if people = my own kid.
Tiny bright side: Smol Acrobat actually ate most of their dinner without being fed or fussing. I had to help with a bit of their salad but they ate the pasta and oranges on their own.
Further disheartening: Sera’s bloodwork came back and while she’s responded to the steroids, her liver enzymes are now going up and that’s not good at all.
It’s only been 3 days on the increased CoQ10 but isn’t it supposed to increase my energy? I feel so depleted.
Year 4, Day 309: Big storm moving in today.
Courtney Milan’s warning about apocalypse food brought up a funny/weird thing I have. In January 2020, when it seemed like things were going the wrong way with COVID, PiC went to the store and picked up a variety of canned foods that would keep.
It turns out that while I have a great imagination for things I will crave, I do not have the ability to continue wanting that food when we have it in stock. It’s like my prepper appetite was satisfied by the acquisition and my body just shuts down any desire to actually EAT that food. Granted, we were never in a position where food scarcity was enough of a problem that we HAD to rely on them. But still.
Year 4, Day 310: I have hit my limit, again. Today, everything was too much.
I was looking forward to our friend visiting in a couple weeks but she cancelled. I’m hurt and frustrated, this is the second time our getting together has been canceled because some other thing was a higher priority, and because getting new plans together is a whole effort.
I’m unsettled and frustrated with Sera’s health mystery and pre-grieving that this might be cancer. We don’t know yet but what data we do have points to cancer more than not.
There was a shooting just a few blocks away from us and we weren’t alerted even though the campus was secured (not fully locked down).
I’m still grieving the loss of my friend.
My boss is in some upper management tizzy and keeps interrupting my day to give me new priorities (which were already my priorities, what do you think I spend my time doing??) and then to ask me a dozen questions so I can’t attend to the priorities.
Everyone needed something from me today.
I also have to recruit, hire and train more staff to support the team which is a whole other job in and of itself.
Customers are continuing to be just The Worst.
The frustration with trying to help JB but not helping enough is sitting like a cold lump in my gut.
Parent teacher conferences are coming up again.
Smol Acrobat was eating guacamole which they used to dislike, then completely melted down over eating broccoli which they said was their favorite two days ago. TODDLERS.
JB wanted to compete in a thing in April and I didn’t want them to because it’ll require a lot of time and attention from me to support their prep but then they changed their mind because they’re intimidated by another kid (who is competitive) and I hate that reason. I’d be fine if they chose not to participate because they didn’t want to this time but to opt out because another kid’s better than them is a terrible reason. But at the same time, I also don’t want to be roped into this. Conflicted.
I’ve worked late most nights this month and I am TIRED.
There were some small bright spots in the week that carried me from one frustration to the next. I had good interactions with the crow murder coming by for treats. Our neighbors got a puppy and shared pictures. I conducted an interview that seemed promising. (Please cross your fingers that they’re a good fit for us long-term! I hate recruiting, I hate hiring, I hate training. But I love having gotten through all those transitions and having a solid team.)
Year 4, Day 311: Our floor desperately needs mopping and there are crumbs everywhere. The robot vacuum was a great compromise for my inability to (or lack of time) vacuum as much as I want but there isn’t a good answer to the mopping/everyday other cleaning. I started thinking about how maybe if we dropped something optional from our budget we could afford to hire help, like babysitters who can take the kids to things or cleaners, but then I can’t think of anything that’s easy to give up. The only thing that we spend on that doesn’t benefit us personally at all off the top of my head is mutual aid, just giving cash to people / friends who need it, and that’s not really something I’d consider optional or ok to trade. Then again, I have trust issues with people driving my kids and PiC’s got trust issues with people cleaning our house so maybe it’s just as well we spend where we spend. Though, arguably, hiring people to help us would be helping those people by paying them but it’s still not a help to our far away friends who are laid off or cannot work and need to pay rent.
We had another PTA meeting and people were talking about the need for new volunteers for the PTA, and to run the Science Fair, and so on and there were people who just kept volunteering for stuff. HOW do these people have the time and energy for all this?? I can get my kid to and from school, and attend parent teacher conferences and listen to the PTA meetings over dinner when they are hybrid. We can’t make it when they’re in person. Who has time to take on the running of a Science Fair and PTA positions and and and? I know at least one of the moms and I know she works in addition to her two kids, along with some of the more visible parents who are also working parents. I just don’t get it. It makes me feel like I’m failing at something. To be clear, I don’t want one more thing on my plate. I want many things OFF my plate. This is probably me feeling jealous that others have the money or time or energy or help or all of the above that makes it possible for them to want to take on optional things like PTA related activities. I suppose the guilt there is knowing that the PTA stuff does support the kids’ education and educational experience, so it’s not frivolous. It’s just not something we have room for.
My autistic friend sent this to me, it’s so her, and I laughed so much. That was much needed.
@brainsandspoons #CapCut #jasonmomoa #pleasehold ♬ original sound – Lindsey Brainsandspoons
Surprisingly I don’t feel as drained or despairing today as I normally do on Fridays. Is there any chance that the 300 mg of coQ10 might be helping? Or maybe the fact I remembered to do back stretches two whole times this week?
