About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Read MoreDecember 15, 2023
1. I finished the buying and “wrapping” of 21 presents. 3(?) More to go! Fabric bags, I am loving how using them speeds up the gifting prep. Also I love the “less trash” aspect of it.
Update: 24 gifts done, one more on the way! So many teacher cards to do now!
2. I had things together enough to remember to order some gifts for my furry niblings this year. Treats for everyone!
December 11, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.Year 4, Day 251: I’m mildly annoyed that the elementary school is having the kids do Christmas carols this year. Not specifically for our sake, we’re Buddhist and we’ve always been pretty open to observing (literally observing in the sense of watching and also celebrating if invited) other traditions in an almost anthropologic sort of way, more for the kids who aren’t Christian and do have meaningful holidays that are ignored in favor of the dominant Christian stuff. Last year their teacher taught them about all the religious holidays that are celebrated in the winter months and I liked that. I’m not entirely sure how to raise this topic because I just heard about it and haven’t come up with a better option that’s celebrating in a way that’s not othering.
In other news, the plea from the Pine Ridge coordinators this weekend was depressing. A lowlight: “We’ve been working hard listing families that are in need of Christmas presents for their children. We have had a tremendous response – but the need of families has been overwhelming. We are getting really scared that the families listed will not get any Christmas presents for their children and grandchildren.” I’m usually shopped out by this time of the year but I couldn’t NOT try again. So I spread the news on Twitter and Bluesky, and picked up a family with ten kids. In the spirit of the Little Engine that could, I think I can I think I can!
Update: I did! We gathered enough funds to send every kid a gift on their wish list plus a bit of food and snacks for the family.
Then I had just enough time to hop around for a look at winter coats on sale. Ordered our Lakota kid a coat, warm gloves, and wool socks to go with the warm hat and rain boots I sent last week. I’m not good at fun gifts but I will make sure our people are warm and fed. That’s my specialty. They might want another sponsor when they get a little older and I’d understand.
Year 4, Day 252: Terrible start to the day at 330 am between a too-early waking and nightmares about fighting with my biodad again. I haven’t had one of those in months, maybe even years, and it’s every bit as unsettling as it was when they were a regular occurrence. It feels like it left psychic goo smeared all over. Ick.
Related, I finally complained about my jaw pain on Bluesky yesterday. It’s been more than a month with an ache in the left side of my jaw and I’m tired of it. It makes chewing really uncomfortable and just hurts the rest of the time. A friend helpfully gave me a rundown on things that have helped her. I knew about the mouth guard recommendation but have you ever heard of tongue posture? I hadn’t! Trying it out today has relieved some of the pressure in the side of my jaw. I hope this is all it takes, though.
I left PiC to figure out the kids’ doctor appts and our conference call this week. Those are usually on my plate but my brain is maxed out.
Year 4, Day 253: The jaw pain isn’t gone today but it’s at least 30% less! Measured by my ability to open and close my mouth and even to chew without excruciating pain, just bothersome pain.
We were all off our game today. The kids had appointments in the morning and were Infinitely Grumpy by the afternoon and evening. By 615 pm, we had one kid sobbing at the dinner table and the other kid sobbing in their room. So many feelings. So many energies.
When they’d all been fed, bathed, and packed off to bed, I settled into a long stint of ordering the last (I hope) holiday gifts for a White Elephant Party that PiC didn’t know about until the last minute (a game), the toddler birthday party (stack of books), and the other niblings (more books). I asked for book recommendations for the toddler set and a friend suggested Mud Puddle by Robert Munsch which I’d never heard of. I also ordered the last gift card for the Christmas Lakota family and packed all of those for mailing in the morning. After scouring Target and Michaels for fabric drawstring bags (NOT Christmas themed), I gave up and bought a pack from Amazon. Again opting for delayed shipping to get the digital reward since I yearn for more books but we’re quite cash poor this month after November’s purchases.
Year 4, Day 254: Another 40% drop in jaw pain! I was startled when I dragged myself out of bed and tentatively yawned. A little pain still, but the worst of it is better. So grateful for the relief.
After only about 4 hours of sleep, 3+ potential sleep hours were lost to painsomnia and Smol Acrobat’s disturbances, getting up into the wintry chill was tough. *Trudge Trudge Trudge* Sitting on the heating pad at my desk after finally pushing everyone out the door is wonderful, though, if I must be upright and conscious. This thing is a workhorse.
Packing continues today: Put together the last holiday box for our Lakota kiddo and scheduled a pickup for tomorrow. I have a standing giftee list to work from but can’t shake the feeling that I’m forgetting someone. There are still treats in my Chewy cart for my catphew, but pretty sure all the cousins have been … Nope. Two more! They’ll also get money because they’re long distance.
AUGH also FINALLY remembered the thing I’d been trying to dredge up from the back of my consciousness, tickling at me. There are two December birthdays to worry about and I’d only figured out one of them. Whew. Thank goodness.
Also also, I’d been slowly throwing together some pictures for a “catching up” holiday card since we hadn’t sent one in years. My heart wasn’t really into sending Christmas cards. When I changed it to a New Year card, that felt more right. Plus that gives me more time to send them. It’s a darn shame that Costco shuttered their Photo / Card printing services. Their prices were pretty reasonable. I ordered from Office Depot to test their quality. My experimental order coincided with a 60% off cards and invitations promo taking my $105 order (including tax and shipping) down $55. I also had some rewards money to apply so I’m spending about $30 out of pocket on 75 cards. I’ll be annoyed if they’re trash quality but not nearly as annoyed as if I paid Shutterfly prices!
Year 4, Day 255: PiC recently witnessed the same kid who attacked Smol Acrobat pinning down a little girl who was screaming at him to get off. He wouldn’t let her up until PiC saw what was happening and told him to get off her. Thankfully she wasn’t hurt but she was clearly distressed and it’s really frustrating that even with the safeguards and checks and staffing, this is still happening. So far Smol Acrobat is ok, but we can’t help feeling like it’s just a matter of time before this kid, who generally does this for a laugh from what we’ve seen, does someone more serious harm again. We’ve scheduled a call with the Director to get a read on what steps are being taken about this, but I suspect they won’t be able to bounce him out of there until and unless he harms someone a second time. The thing is we keep seeing him run at the other kids, not in anger, but rather because he thinks it’s funny to ram the others headfirst or things like that. Never quite serious enough to cause real injury but certainly nothing you want your kid to be subjected to, either.
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We would normally have had the tree up weeks ago, at my insistence, but it’s still not up yet because I’m feeling quite meh about it. I am on top of the presents and getting the house supplies stocked up. I know PiC will get on it but he usually does it for my sake. Maybe I just don’t have any emotional bandwidth left to want our own tree. Or maybe it’s just really hard to feel holiday related joy right now with all that’s going on in the world.
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Augh reminder to self, I need to open a Roth IRA for JB’s money. Their art store made a little money this year. I plan to donate a portion of the proceeds when we iron out all the kinks. For this first year, we’ll put the small amount into the Roth.
December 9, 2023
1. Oops it was such a hectic week I forgot to put down anything.
December 6, 2023
Our primary income comes from our full time jobs. We have minimal income from investing in index funds and dividend stocks (all reinvested). We earn money on the side to supplement our main incomes. We get a bit of income from Swagbucks, cash back sites (Rakuten, Mr.Rebates) and affiliate links to Bookshop and Amazon sometimes pay a micro-commission to keep the blog running. The sidebar has ways to support the blog and our charitable giving.
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
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Dividend income. We received $983.94 in dividends from the stocks portfolio.
December 4, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.Year 4, Day 244: I’ve spent all year preparing for the end of the year: clearing holiday shopping ahead of time, getting (almost) all the check ups done before December, etc. Now that it’s upon us, I’m flabbergasted. How did it get to be December?? SMH. Also, we’re back to the grind of just the two of us trying to do ALL THE THINGS. We had a very lovely reprieve, it was rejuvenating even though I was short on sleep the whole week. I forget how much feeling supported offsets feeling tired. Under the “but no thank you” heading, Smol Acrobat is sick AGAIN. I bought them
On Bluesky, @vikrambath.bsky.social skeeted: “Very normal college admissions process we’ve got here in the United States of America” with a screenshot of an article: “Esther’s academics weren’t “stellar”, Kim said – only a 4.3 GPA 1520 SAT and nine AP courses. But in her personal statement, she wrote about her mother’s fight with breast cancer. And she was admitted to the University of Pennsylvania. “That was her trump card. It was a unique situation that she overcame,” Kim said. “To be frank, she got really lucky.”
My good friends back in the day were accepted to Berkeley, UPenn, Cornell, Columbia. I never once thought about their application process back then but these little snippets into college admissions processes today are at least a little unnerving. I wonder how much of that is limited to the colleges I’d never have tried for and wouldn’t expect my kids to try for, and how much of this has spread across the board to more … normal? run of the mill? standard? colleges. I don’t know what to call them exactly, but the ones that are in our pay grade.
(Whispers so I don’t jinx it: Smol Acrobat fed themselves eggs this morning and salad at dinner! With their own hands!! The way they eat their pizza is a complete travesty but I’ll take it!)
December 1, 2023
1. I channeled my sadness into getting a whole lot of stuff done on the weekend.
From the sale clothes I’d bought: one sweater’s going back. Two jeans might go back unless they can fit someone else. Only two of them fit me comfortably but the price is so good that I’d like them to be worn if they can be instead of returning them.
The kids and I dropped off four large bags of film / plastics for recycling.
I finally found children’s Sudafed after checking at three pharmacies. I really hope this isn’t another shortage like last year. I am learning my lesson after last year’s acetaminophen and ibuprofen shortages when the shelves were literally empty. We’re stocked up on Robitussin and Sudafed for JB, my medications, and Sera’s. There’s not a good time of year to be out of meds but running out at the end of the year feels so much worse given all the other pressures of the season.
Oh also, it turns out I already bought the Ziploc BIG BAGS (for storing clothes) that I’d put on my shopping list again, months ago in fact!, and totally forgot about them. They came out this week to store JB’s shoes and WOWZA they were not kidding! That is a BIG BAG. I think I fit in that bag… ! They hold 9 pairs of biggish children’s shoes, laid flat instead of stacked. Stacked, I bet it could hold twice as many pairs. But they wouldn’t fit in the small storage space we have that way.
2. Making better choices (for me, for now): It’s too late to try to make cloth gift bags for the holidays. I gave in and ordered some cloth bags as a second best option. I picked the slower shipping option for a digital $1 reward. While I should have enough to get myself a free Kindle book soonish, it turns out my patience stinks. I want them here right now so I can pack up all the gifts and cross that off my list. If only this had been made earlier, self.
November 27, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.Year 4, Day 237: This is the one week a year that I get help from someone I love dearly and it’s precious precious time. Last month I had planned to take time off this week to spend with them but then my boss crash-landed with urgent deadlines and projects and and and. I am MIFFED. I’m also working really hard at not letting it consume this week, regardless of the urgency. I’ll do my best (at work) but my best no longer means “at the expense of my loved ones”. This is the one week where someone else can tend to a million kid questions, provide a lap for kids to play a game together, can bond with them and be the fun one while I am up and about doing the million things that I have to do. They are also a splendid cook so this is the one week I get to go with someone else’s meal flow without having to plan. I absolutely appreciate the hell out of it. I’m still a frazzled mess, a week of help is just enough of a taste for me to desperately want more.
On the other hand, I’m skeptical that we could find someone else who could (eventually) provide this third adult help so seamlessly. I don’t get along all that well with many people. (And I cherish my alone time.)
Year 4, Day 238: Well I’ll be! Amazon / UPS keeps sending me failed delivery notices for the 30+ grocery orders shipped from Amazon to the second Lakota family. I spent an hour tracking down every single tracking number (UPS) and then finding the related USPS tracking number since they handed off to USPS and then confirming that USPS hadn’t actually lost the groceries.
Despite the alarming number of notices, so far it doesn’t look like anything has been lost yet and half of them were successfully delivered to the post office. Fingers very crossed that the rest arrives safely and soon.
Year 4, Day 239: I did not budget half an hour this morning to discovering that something exploded in the robot vacuum’s guts to form a crusty layer of yuck on all the surfaces and had to be dug out bit by painful bit. I also did not budget another hour for dealing with people management problems. But there those hours went, anyway. Insert my pained sigh. As I told a friend, on the outside, I am patient and gracious and helpful. On the inside I am yelling and kicking rocks. She assured me that was having self restraint and being professional, not being two-faced.
Yesterday was a rough parenting day. I was very upset with JB and JB was really upset with over an incident at their class and I felt like garbage afterward when a dear friend and mentor gave me their more clear-eyed observations that I did not disagree with. I’m so tired of feeling like all I do are make mistakes. Then Smol Acrobat got extremely belligerent with me over my not allowing them to carry two pieces of Pyrex that were too large for their little hands. They screamed in my face “I CAN DO IT!!!” and swung at me. Typical toddler emotional dysregulation. I carried them to a corner for a quiet time out and sat with them until they calmed down, but it was exhausting, especially when overlapped with the fight that JB and PiC had. JB decided they had better things to do than finish setting the table – a job they’ve been responsible for every night since they were 5. These conflicts feel more fraught.
Year 4, Day 240: Thanks to good planning and pacing, we had time for all sorts of things we usually can’t fit into a day.
Downtime: I laid down to rest with my computer to shop for jeans that 🤞 I hope will fit and picked up cold weather gear for our Lakota sponsee.
We took the kids and dogs for a long walk in unexpectedly beautiful weather. Sera was also unexpectedly peppy! for that walk.
And we put together the dinner feast for dinner. I ate so much I was nearly rolled to bed.
Year 4, Day 241: Do you ever have dreams or nightmares that are so vivid or emotionally intense that you aren’t sure the events of the dream didn’t really happen? Then you’d be upset at the person who was the subject of that dream or nightmare? This used to happen every night, it used to always be fights with my biodad or brother. It’s a lot less frequent now but when it does happen again, like last night, I wake up really confused about reality and memories.
Probably related to that: it’s been two (three? I can’t remember) weeks of working late nights and I’m tuckered. I gave myself the day off to spend with the family. We managed an errand, time for the kids to play at a playground, and a little venture out to a tourist trap ice cream shop for an indulgent treat and the Christmas lights. We stayed up too late but it was nice to make a memory.
Alas, Smol Acrobat’s nose started dripping again and they’ve gone and contracted another virus. Please cross your fingers that this one blows by and doesn’t turn into anything much worse.
It also just sank in that we’re nearly at the very end of November. How did that happen?? I work all year to be ahead of the curve on holiday things and by November I’m always flabbergasted at how we got here.
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