About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
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November 3, 2023
1. I planted 3 new onion sprouts and 3 sweet potato sprouts. Fingers crossed that they all take!
2. The 6 first onions we planted just passed 60 days in the ground. I think they need another 30-40 days before we can attempt to harvest them. Sources suggest that we wait until the green tops turn yellow and fall over. Only the tips are yellow just now.
3. I alternate between feeling quite pleased with the current plants in the ground, feeling impatient for a harvest, and feeling like I should grow more things that we have no room for.
Challenges this week: What A Week.
I need about six days to recover but instead we have a busy weekend trying to get Comic Con tickets and then our friends’ kid’s big birthday on Sunday.
No wonder the holiday season always feels like such a slog.
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October 30, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 213: 89% humidity. YUCK. Not only is it terribly uncomfortable, it’s making our green onion’s soil moldy. Double yuck.
I almost skipped ordering a couple of Bonne Maman advent calendars this year. A few years back, they were $35 each so I didn’t mind paying shipping on top of that. Also, the pandemic was new. $45 after tax and shipping for a bit of joy wasn’t too steep. This year it’s $45 PLUS another $15 for ground shipping PLUS tax. Over $100 for two? Couldn’t do it. Happily, this morning I spotted a free shipping offer for orders over $65 and so jumped on it.
Also I feel very stupid. I’d just completed a course of the antiviral meds about a week and a half ago. Then another sore throat comes up again on Friday! Out of frustration and concern that taking it too often will make it ineffective, I stubbornly refused to take the next course of antiviral meds for a few days. Kept hoping it would go away so of course it’s just gotten worse by today. Sigh. I have an earache and a whole lot of regret for not taking it immediately like I should have. It was right here.
Year 4, Day 214: It officially smells like fall-cold. There’s a crispness and a cold layer to the air that signals the start of real cold weather. I would normally enjoy this but for the sharp stabbing pains in my throat when I inhale deeply. Continued regrets. Sorrows, sorrows, prayers.
I just discovered a whole stash of comments from the last six months that WordPress randomly hidden from me. ARGH. Rude! Will be making my way through those.
Year 4, Day 215: My therapist would like me to believe that I deserved a childhood, and to be a kid when I was a kid. I firmly believe this for my kids and for all kids, and want to do everything I can to help all of THEM. But believing that *I* deserved one and didn’t get it? I’m having a real mental block (or emotional) with that. Heck, I don’t even think I “deserve” (am worth) to use the furnace during the day to be warm in the house. I feel guilty using the space heater to get warm (only at intervals when I’m too cold). This is an oddly thorny issue to get through.
Those jackals at Lifetouch have ramped up their grifty ways. The Digital package with a class picture and 2 digital images is now $42. The Basic package (with 5×7, 3×5 and 2x3s) is $27 but they’ve taken away the class picture and it costs $18 to add a class picture. I don’t want the basic package and am annoyed at how they’ve engineered it so you have to pay $40+ if your kid cares about a class picture (they do) no matter what you get. That extra $15-20 could go to help someone pay a bill. I don’t want to waste it on Lifetouch. And we can’t get JUST the class picture, you have to get a package. *grumble* And WHO wants 8×10 school pictures? I’m sure someone does but I sure don’t want them every year. Never did when I was going to school, don’t now. Also they’ve doubled the prices. It used to be $15 and then $17 for a Basic package with a class picture, some wallets, and a few 5x7s. That’s why I never had this level of irritation over it – about $20 was an acceptable price. Now it’s more than $40 for less than what we got before.
Year 4, Day 216: I’m plotting the calendar for next year at work and at home. For home, I’m trying my absolute darnedest to schedule appointments for next year in the first 8-9 months of the year. If we can avoid regular appointments in the last three months, then the holiday crush might feel less bad. Right?
For work, I’m working on coverage for everyone’s hoped for vacation times and that preparation starts yesterday. That may still be too late! There are so many logistics to juggle: recruiting! Hiring! Training! Bah!
This is my deliriously tired attempt to assert some measure of control over what feels like endless chaos against the bigger backdrop of the world in chaos. There is so much terrible that’s out of my control. I’ve got to start focusing more on the things I can affect to avoid giving in to fatigue and despair.
Year 4, Day 217: One of many rushed days (still in my future), I had to wrap up work after picking up JB to take them to a family event hosted by PiC’s employer.
What a time to find out that I’m not cut out for the spinning teacups anymore. Thankfully it was low key regret, nothing major, and the kids loved the buffet. There was an abundance of hot dogs but we’re apparently entirely spoiled by Costco hot dogs, no one else’s hot dogs seem worth eating. Dinner for Smol Acrobat was: popcorn, watermelon, crackers, a single slice of a turkey wrap, a cookie and some hot dog. JB’s dinner was many popcorns, cotton candy, a quarter hot dog, many many swedish meatballs, some pasta salad and penne pasta with meat sauce.
It went longer than I expected so it was quite painful having to finish working but finish I did! Because I’m responsible. Tired but responsible.
Even nature is getting into the Halloween spirit! Our spiders have blanketed our hedges with spiderwebs. It’s not as obvious as the store bought decor but I think it’s beautiful and not at all creepy as long as I don’t have to touch the hedges for any reason. There must be 1000 spiders in there to have spun this many webs. (Very little exaggeration, the hedges are huge and the webs are legion.)
For next week, I’ve ordered the Halloween themed snacks for JB’s class. I’ll put aside a set of plates and napkins to contribute to their class party next year so that doesn’t feel so last minute and annoying when it comes up. I’ve scribbled my list of wants and needs to shop for during the Black Friday sales (a tiny kingdom for two sets of travel sized bottles that won’t spring a leak after a couple years!). I’ve worked up a gift checklist so I can keep track of whose gifts are already taken care of and methodically wrap and store them instead of haphazardly sticking them in the gift box and trying to remember who gets what. PiC will be having some screening tests at the hospital so we’ll have to manage his diet more carefully next week. He feels like it’ll be simple so I’m going to do my best not to worry too much. But I do plan to make him a simple seafood pasta since he liked that. Last time it was too simple though, with sliced calamari in sauteed garlic and olive oil. It needs more flavor. I’ll add shrimp but it needs something else.
October 27, 2023
1. Neighborhood bird watching! A beautiful hawk rode the thermals and circled overhead for five minutes. A mischievous crow rousted the whole flock of pigeons. Tiny blue breasted birds chased each other across lawns.
On at least two afternoons, the birds were twittering so loudly it brought me back to moments in Hawaii in the spring, or Thailand in the fall. Just a profusion of tropical singing.
2. The last Keeper’s Six copy has been given away! 🎉 I hope everyone loves the story and we get more from this world.
3. TWO dear friends are retired early and traveling the world and they are delighting me this week with texts of their travels and adventures or spontaneous calls to tell me they’ve landed in a new country and are doing well. I’m so happy for them and glad to reap the sense of adventure without having to leave the house because I’m so tired I don’t want to do anything else.
Challenges this week: Woof.
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October 23, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 206: I wrote to all our CongressCritters today to reject KOSA and genocide, and to ask them to support trans people and codifying access to abortion. The world is horrible and we’ve got to do what we can. A friend recommended the Jewish Voice for Peace site and 5 calls was also helpful.
I used to expect the holidays (and stresses) to begin in November but it’s sinking in that it really all starts in October. Harvest, Fall and/or Halloween events, pumpkin carving parties hosted by friends, pumpkin carving or decorating contests. Our weekends are triple stacked this month. Then it’s birthdays and Thanksgiving (which of course I have complicated by fundraising for the Pine Ridge reservation and I’m worried that we won’t be able to do much this year but I’d like to try). Before you know it, you’ve got to be ready for the end of the year.
This reminds me that I haven’t wrapped the gifts we’ve already purchased. Wrapping them would make me feel a little better.
Good thing: Smol Acrobat slept through the night last night! First time in 6? weeks? Have we ever strung together more than two full nights in a row? Not for a very long time.
Bad thing: They got stuck in Terrible 2s mode several times so we had to take two timeouts before dinner. That seemed excessive but ultimately helped. They had time/space to work through the explosive feelings. When they started acting out at dinner, asking if they needed another timeout got them out of the broken record cycle. They weren’t punitive timeouts, I sat nearby until the feelings petered out, it just removed the audience for the tantrum and the temptation for JB to third-parent which sets off the cycle all over again.
Year 4, Day 207: Yesterday I started the day at about a 1 out of 10 in energy. Today’s almost as bad but not quite. Let’s call this a 3. The morning walks weren’t as taxing today. Sometimes I forget, on the really bad days, that it can get a little better so this is my reminder that it can.
Reminding myself that, much like Sera 🐶 needed 2.5 days to recover from Saturday’s dinner and playdate, my own body needs at least a week to recover from last week’s jam-packed schedule. I wouldn’t let myself off the hook for JB’s class this afternoon, despite my overwhelming urge to crawl into a blanket nest and shut the world out. It might be silly to think that skipping one class will lead to a rash of skipped classes but that’s where the whole “If you give a mouse a cookie” syndrome kicks in. Let me skip one, I’ll try to skip them all.
Also *whispering* two! Two nights Smol has slept through the night! TWO.
Year 4, Day 208: Huh, JB took the warnings about consequences if they keep making us drag them out of bed on school mornings to heart. They were up and dressed and making continental breakfast by the time I dragged myself out of bed. (With a literal pain in the neck, several vertebrae are deeply painful today.) Can this last? WE SHALL SEE.
The weather shifted abruptly from grey and foggy to Far Too Warm today, can’t tell if this correlates to the ache or not.
In any case, the sweet potato slips experiment is coming along nicely! Yesterday we spotted tiny rootlets on all three of the sprouts. They’re tiny (both the sprouts and the rootlets), so I had worried they’d be non-viable. Hopefully we’ll be ready to plant them this or next weekend. Our weather is all over the place, so maybe it’s best to give the roots more time to grow before challenging them to the Great Outdoors.
I do wonder why it seems like the green onions grow much more slowly in soil than in water. They shot up an inch or two every day submerged in water. Now, in the soil, they’re creeping much more slower.
Year 4, Day 209: This day is using up all my can, possibly even all my rolling with the punches. PiC’s morning meeting ran long so I had to mind Smol Acrobat during my early work hour. We spent it outside dumping potting soil in the containers. They enjoyed mushing up the dirt clods. Then they decided to dig for potatoes in the fresh soil. Applying the transitive property, their logic was something like: If that bag has dirt and potatoes in it, then this bag that now has dirt must also have potatoes in it! The green onions have a white fuzz on the top of the potting soil. Oops, overwatered. Scraped away the mold and set them out in the sun to bake up a bit since we’re having a heat spike today.
After just 20 minutes of frantically working to clear the work decks, I get a call. PiC’s bike blew a flat tire and they were walking the rest of the way to daycare. *deep sigh* That’s another hour lost.
“There’s stuff I don’t wanna miss, and I’m afraid I’m gonna because I already promised too much of myself to too many people.”
That’s a hell of a line to hear when I’m feeling the latter part pretty keenly in my own way.
Year 4, Day 210: Crawling into this Friday. My neck has been sore most of the week, always vastly more tiring than I remember between bouts. Luckily I managed to score an appointment with the massage therapist because she had a cancellation this week. I was a bundle of stress about the work I wasn’t getting done in that time beforehand but so glad that I didn’t talk myself out of it. My list of things to do for work and for home feels endless: get Home Depot to refund my money for the item they still haven’t delivered from a month ago, update the Chewy order for Sera’s 🐶 meds and treats, pay our twice-yearly tax bill, make a list of things we need (to shop the Black Friday sales), set aside cash and checks for the school fundraiser fair, schedule next year’s eye appointments for earlier in the year so I don’t spend my fall ferrying people to and from the eye doc.
October 20, 2023
1. No idea if I’m doing this right but I twisted off the sprouts from the sweet potato and put them in water to root them. The potato goes back into the plastic bag to encourage it to grow more sprouts. If these sprout roots, the kids and I will plant them on a weekend. Update: they are sprouting rootlets! This is exciting!
2. I had no idea that growing something that’s essentially a weed requires this much reading and maintenance. I may have chosen poorly, as a low effort preference gardener. We’ll see.
Challenges this week: The days, they were so very long.
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October 17, 2023
Life with JB
One of the school pickup grandmas was telling me that their grandkid, who has activities scheduled every afternoon and sometimes two, can be found crying over their homework some nights, probably from exhaustion. Usually this kid joshes JB about their incredibly light schedule, telling JB they need to go to more activities. Obviously our circumstances are very different. Their family has four adults, two who do work and two who don’t, in their lives to ferry them to activities. JB has me during the week. I prefer not to have PiC trying to chauffeur when he already has to handle daycare dropoff and pickup. And I work! Sometimes I feel a little twinge that I can’t be in two places at once.
Hearing that recounting made me feel a little better. Not that I’m glad he has those nights! But I feel a tiny bit better about our setting hard limits on JB’s activities. I never want to be committing my elementary school kid to that much. It’s too much. Not to mention the financial cost of private swim, tutoring, martial arts multiple times a week. I don’t want to imagine the time and money that would take.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol’s words are still coming in fast and thick. They’ve been struggling with pronouns. One morning they burst on the scene with “I want to hug you, Mommy!”
!!
Their mood swings are also something else right now.
We’ve had days where we couldn’t breathe without setting off a tantrum. It’s exhausting. And then after hours of this, they’re suddenly sunny and mischievous and chuckling. The joke’s on us.
Pupdate
Sera 🐶 was off her feed about two weeks this month. She’s normally a hearty efficient eater, clearing out the bowl in two minutes or less. Out of the blue she started leaving parts of her meal in the bowl. She’d eventually come back for the rest but I’ve been very concerned about whether something is actually wrong with her. I’ve been monitoring her closely, nothing else seems to be the matter except a general sluggishness on and off, but may schedule her for another physical and bloodwork. We just did that in January, but this is weird. It feels like old age set in overnight.
She had impromptu playdates with two puppies on separate occasions this month. One of them she already knew from a very young age but we hadn’t seen her for months, I wasn’t sure Sera 🐶 remembered her. The other one was a new friend that she was figuring out. They both went fairly well considering her prior history with unknown dogs. Her time with the dogsitter and pack of dogs, lots of training with us everyday, and time have all mellowed her out a lot. Age has a lot to do with it too. She’s senior enough now that the young pups are more deferential once she scolds them.
Precious Moments
After I’d made breakfast
Thank you, Mommy! And bacon! I wike bacon again. (Yesterday they did not like bacon, before they even tried any. But then they tried some and liked half of it.) Mommy, you’re yeeving soon? Going to school?
I do not think that phrase means what you think it means
Absolutely no one:
Smol Acrobat: ohhhhh DAS why
Teaching everyone to be accurate with their asks
JB: Can I have kitty?
Smol Acrobat: No.
JB: Can I BORROW kitty?
Smol Acrobat: Yes.
Smol Acrobat monologuing
Mommy daddy get timeout wif Miss Swamp! (Why? we ask) You say no! Wook at dat ting! Dat BEEEEEG ting fwying. (bug flying) Ooh, spiderweb! I scared of spiderweb. Good job, spider.
Running out of ice cream is a very emotional experience.
Smol Acrobat got a firm lesson in table manners and manners in general tonight. They looked at me after polishing off their scoop and asked, politely, can I share your ice cream? I smiled back and said, “oh that was a very good ask, but no. You still have some in your bowl.” Before I could say anything else, they FLIPPED into a full fury screech. Up to 2 months ago, before they could talk clearly, I’ve responded mildly to this reaction but they’ve been verbally communicating with much better clarity lately, so it felt like the time was right. “Oh, well, now the answer has to be no because you’re pitching a tantrum. That’s not ok. This is my ice cream and I’m not ready to share yet. If JB asks me, and I say no, what do you think they say?”
JB played along, “mommy, can I have some of your ice cream?”
Me: “No, sorry, I’m not ready to share.”
JB: “Ok! I’ll just clean my bowl some more!” *goes back to scraping every last molecule of ice cream out of the bowl*
Me: “Now, that was very polite and now I feel like sharing. So JB can have a bite of my ice cream. What if you asked me again and I still said no, should you scream and stomp?”
Smol: “No.”
Me: “Let’s try it.”
Smol: “Mommy, can I share some of your ice cream peeess?”
Me: “No, I’m not ready to share yet. Do you stomp and scream now?”
Smol: “No.”
Me: “What do you say?”
Smol: Say “ok”?
Me: “That’s right! Smol, do you want me to help you scrape your bowl to get all your ice cream out like JB is doing?”
Smol: “Ys. Peess.” (please)
Me: “Good job practicing better manners! Now I feel like sharing, you may have a bite.”
Smol: *Chomp* “Thank you. Daddy! I shared ice cream wif mommy!”
Size matters
Me: Can you get your soap?
Smol: No, I can’t reach it up dere. I have to do DIS. *reaches* I’m too small. Can you get it for me?
October 16, 2023
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 199: A brief vaccine timeline starting Friday night.
* BOOSTED! Tiny poke, felt like nothing.
* 4 hours post-vax. Arm very mildly sore. Top half of body feeling mildly seedy but well within my normal range of “feelin’ terrible on a Friday night”.
* 15 hours post-vax. The bones in my entire right arm were pretty sore, my right hand hurt the worst. Tylenol helped ease most of that aching but I definitely felt like Kipo with her giant arm.
* 18 hours post-vax. Oh no I feel terrible. Generically terrible. Achy, tired, maybe nausea but can’t tell for sure, no longer happy to be upright, put myself back to bed for a bit.
* 24 hours post-vax. It’s distinctly weird to feel so sick but knowing you’re not sick. JB and Smol Acrobat have been told that we’re basically sick so y’all need to listen and help out. Smol is, of course, no help at all. JB is insisting on minding Smol so we can rest (with one ear listening).
* 32-38 hours post-vax. I woke up every hour drenched in sweat and then shivering minutes after removing blankets. Body couldn’t decide between hot and cold. Gross and annoying.
* More than 48 hours after the latest COVID vax and we’re pretty much good now. I think all the stuff going on today (aches etc) are entirely down to my usual health nonsense. It sucked but being out of sorts for about two days is so much better than coming down w/actual COVID for days and weeks.
A lot less of this arm thing going on today, for which I’m very grateful:
In exciting news, our blackberry bush arrived today! We freed it from the box, JB welcomed it with a watering, and I’ve been reminded that our normal weather is wind, wind, and more wind. I’d better get to repotting these two babies sooner than later, the blueberries have been knocked over three times already and the wind only just came back yesterday.
Year 4, Day 200: What a hard day. Work is inundated right now and I’m scrambling to cover as many bases as we can with what resources are available but they’re all stretched thin.
I’m stretched too thin at home, too. School dropoff, school pickup, and after school class are all routine and squash my day. I was already tired. Then we had to swing by the ortho visit and get JB’s thing installed so that put us further behind. Their discomfort and distress was manageable until we got home when they were especially clingy and needy. That would have been fine but Smol Acrobat decided to see that as a competition/ challenge and started demanding separate and equal attention. The kid who demanded group hugs this morning was offended by the ask to share my hugs this evening. Of course. Their bickering continued through dinner. Brushing teeth turned into a half hour ordeal as I had to help pick out all the food stuck in the appliance. I can handle all manner of ear gunk and dog yuck but this grossed me out. I’ll have to tighten the appliance nightly for two weeks as well. It’s part of our parent deal. I handle dental care because PiC can’t handle it and he handles all vomit and swim stuff.
Both kids are sniffly, sneezing, a cough here and there. I’m eyeing my antivirals thinking, do I take them now? Am I feeling sick or am I just extra fatigued?
*****
The tragic killings in Gaza and Israel are horrific. Anything I would say is deeply inadequate, my heart simply hurts for the families caught in this terrible conflict.
Year 4, Day 201: It’s time to start reading up on Open Enrollment again. I have a couple weeks to make some decisions. We’ll keep our HMO plan, no cost changes this year, and max out the FSA / Dependent Daycare allocations as usual. I have to decide when we need to change our vision and dental plans. We missed the window for orthodontic coverage for JB this year. We’re expecting a second treatment all the adult teeth are in so we’ll have to be alert to when that rolls around and upgrade to the premium plan ahead of time.
*****
So much household stuff today in addition to the usual school drop-off and pickup. Laundry, cleaning up, loading the dishwasher, swapping out gross old pillows that can’t be revived anymore with the new ones I got on sale. It feels like a bad week to be doing ANYTHING extra because I already overloaded the week with two big items: JB’s ortho care and their eye appointment. I’m tapped out already and we still have days to go.
Year 4, Day 202: Smol’s fever hit in the middle of the night. PiC fielded the first two rounds, a wake up and a night terror two hours later. The second night terror hit at 430 and I took that one, sending him off to bed. I remember JB having nightmares and being sick but they were more rocklike. They’d need me to hold them until they fell asleep, then I was usually free. Smol Acrobat requires a whole lot more getting up in the middle of the night. Multiple times. I felt that telltale tickle in my throat by morning as well, and started my antivirals in hopes of holding it off.
Just like with money, margin makes all the difference in time and health. Having more margin means being able to handle one more thing in the mental load, or stretch to one more sleepless night. This week has zero margin. Last week, I worked on improving my sunscreen habit, putting it on sunscreen every time I go out, to keep my rosacea in check. This week, that mental load shifted to JB’s dental care – I haven’t remembered to sunscreen all week. This week I can’t work late to catch up because Smol will need me at some point. I can’t afford to work late AND get up too early and depress my system enough that I get sick. It’s simply not in the budget.
Year 4, Day 203: Friday food review! Chicken fajita night: I only like chicken fajitas if someone else made them. Salmon: I’ve been baking salmon wrapped in foil about once a week lately, I think it’s becoming a regular item. Smol usually eats it like gangbusters (don’t jinx myself don’t jinx myself). I started pondering switching to parchment paper, but I set tortillas on fire in the toaster oven so I was done for the night. On Thursday I diced chicken into the tiniest of pieces to make chicken porridge for JB. PiC also brought them home a large pot of chicken noodle from Costco. We are awash in soft foods.
Water bottle goodwill: I got to repay the universe’s random assistance fund. PiC has unknowingly lost Smol Acrobat’s water bottle on their bike commute and had kind strangers notice, rescue it and flag them down. Today I saw a little kid’s water bottle fall out and roll into the street, right as I was saying goodbye to JB. The kid knew not to run into the street, they were yelling to their grandma that their water bottle was rolling down the street, and I was able to hop out, grab it before it’d gone a full car length and give it back.
Three weeks ago, genius that I am, decided that 4 pm Friday was a grand time to have JB’s eyes checked. Three weeks ago Me was cruel and/or foolish. We were there for two hours all told after a long day, at the end of a very long week. It is as if the Hope-Crushing Horde stampeded my SOUL.