About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
I didn’t show (feel?) any empathy for my mom when I was growing up. I remember her getting mad at me for not sympathizing about her moments of (physical) pain. I can’t remember FEELING any concern for her when she had minor moments of OUCH. I don’t have any memory of that feeling so assumed that I didn’t though of course memory is imperfect. It’s like how we don’t have an equivalent of “bless you” / “gesundheit” / “salud” for sneezing that I know of in our native language. I just didn’t register an “ouch” as a thing to respond to. I have the same sort of numb non-empathy / impatient reaction to when JB is being super dramatic about relatively small (to me obviously) things like dripping juice on their art and declaring it ruined.
I worry about illness, serious injury, and deep emotional distress, but I don’t over the small things.
I shared this with my therapist in a recent session. I had always assumed it was because I was a uncaring kid and that’s carried over into adulthood. Her theory is a little different. She thinks that I never had a model for being “weak” (having emotions, being vulnerable, needing empathy), so I didn’t know how to respond to it in others. I still don’t, apparently, because I struggle deeply with parenting JB through their moments of small crisis. I get angry first, or I get annoyed. Especially because JB is given to random dramatic declarations to get attention when my reaction isn’t what they want: “You don’t love me” and “Fine, I’ll do (whatever happened to them) to your stuff!”
I hate dramatics, so I get more mad or non-responsive.
Eventually I might find myself remembering that they’re a kid and of course the small things matter deeply to them and that I’m supposed to be showing them empathy but that’s usually a long haul from Point A to Point B.
In that recent juice incident, I had to talk them through the fact that we all make mistakes. We all have the choice to learn from them or not, to ask for help or not, and of course it’s going to be sad, disappointing and frustrating but if our choice is then to tantrum and go on the attack and destroy things, people are much less inclined to offer help. As an example, I shared that I made a mistake on every single one of my sewing projects this year. If I had blamed my sewing sisters like JB blamed me for their drips, they would never have had the opportunity to point out a possible fix that made the projects better than the original plan. I don’t know how much that sank in but I made a suggestion for them to fix their project and they started to sing “I wonder, what if, let’s try” so thanks to Sesame Street for that assist.
Life with Smol Acrobat
That clean up song is like mind control. I was amazed how well it worked on JB in daycare but I assumed the environment, being surrounded by other little kids doing the cleaning too, had more to do with it than the song itself. They’ve only experienced it at home obviously and it still works! Not as well, they need a lot of direction, but it works.
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They’ve finally come around on scrambled eggs! A staple in our household they’ve always refused but they have come around!
Fun new thing: if they’re in the mood and you kneel down, and say hug? Smol will run to you fast as they can and throw themselves into your arms.
Their other new thing: playing trust falls with me even if I am nowhere near them. They think the scramble to catch them is HIGH-larious. They think it’s even funnier when they crash and fall to the ground.
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They’re a pretty self contained little soul right now but these songs make them boogie a little (which is a lot for them):
Pupdate
Poor Sera experienced an overdose of Smol affection this month and she did not like it. They’ve been wanting to hug, kiss, and nibble on her the way they do to me. I don’t like the nibbles either! I also don’t know why they think it’s so funny, but both my children enjoy/enjoyed biting on me and it’s weird.
Sera is a big target for Smol’s affection because they really like animals and especially their own doggy so we’ve had to be extra vigilant in intervening when they get TOO “loving”.
Sera’s benefiting from Smol’s picky eating, in the meantime. We don’t share people food but fruit doesn’t count and when Smol pulls that really annoying “chew it up and spit it out” thing with their (dog safe) fruit, Sera gets the chunks. She’s very pleased with that.
Precious Moments
JB: If you do rock paper scissors with three people and one does rock and one does paper and one does scissors, does that mean it’s a tie?
…. That’s a good question.
PIC: where’s JB?
Smol points at JB.
Where’s Daddy?
Smol points at PiC.
Where’s Mommy?
Smol pats PiC’s arm.
Where’s JB?
JB walking past a test kit I’d used: can I take a COVID test?
Year 3, Day 115: 610 am. We had some sleep progress over the weekend but it’s going in the wrong direction now. š¤š¬
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Monday Morning Musing: why am I such a sucker for Hello Kitty stuff?
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Smol thinks it’s HILARIOUS to pretend to fall off a step. Sure, yuk it up, it’s funny ’til you actually DO fall off.
We had a looooong stretch of time before their nap today. I think we’re on day 5 of shifting them to one nap a day and this was the first day of those that I was solo with them. We did ALL THE THINGS. Backyard time, digging weeds time, trying on water wings, bouncing the basketball, bouncy ball, and soccer ball. Even tried on a baseball glove but they were iffy about that one.
They’ve been “talking” up a storm since the weekend, forming near words and even managed “mum/mom”. They were mostly talking to PiC but today they patted me very hard from chest to head establishing I also get to be mum mum mum mom mom mom. We also suddenly have a more clear “no” (but for nose, not negative) and “yep/yip” for yes. It’s a little disconcerting to have a handful of words when they didn’t have any a few days ago but also a relief. The unfortunate bit that goes with these three words is that they now mostly refuse to sign. Instead they insist that we go through intricate charades to figure out what they want. CHILDREN.
Year 3, Day 116: 4:45 am. BAH HUMBUG. I thought we were starting to make progress after three post 6 am wake ups in a row. That seemed so promising. This was a big step backwards as were the micro catnaps they kept taking in the car when running short errands instead of waiting to get home for a real longer nap. They finally took a whopper of a nap mid afternoon. š¤ for tonight’s sleep.
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My pain has been out of control the past few days and therefore unbearable at night. At best I can get 3-4 hours out of 8 hours of laying down because it just hurts too much to fall asleep or stay asleep.
I’m need pain relief to sleep but I can only take so much heat and nothing else does much. I just have to wait it out.
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I asked Twitter and now I’m asking you: Is (was) there anything about your job you think is fun?
Year 3, Day 117: So many wake ups.I lost count after five. I was so tired. I am so tired. I’m so tired today that all I want is to curl up and cry for several hours and hibernate for week.
Alas. It is not meant to be. It’s so frustrating that when I’m most tired is when my pain will skyrocket. Can I please take them one at a time please??
Can Smol please start sleeping in a decent routine please please please??
(So far, the answer is no.)
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As the end of our summer nears, JB is increasingly stricken with grief that they’re heading back to school soon. We made a tactical error sending them to a summer camp that was Too Much Fun. They never want the fun to stop and they’ve been trying to negotiate more camp and less school. They even tried to get me to agree to homeschool them. Hah. Hah. Hah. They won’t even do their chores without attitude and whining, there’s no way I, with my absolute lack of any teaching skill or aptitude, would take on that task without a massive life change first. No no and no. I have been tempted in principle because sending my kids to school where they run the risk of being murdered, because it truly can happen anywhere, is one of my many parenting nightmares, but in reality, I think we’d both be scarred for life.
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Such tired. Help.
Year 3, Day 118: 5 am? 6 am? So tired I couldn’t tell but thankfully PiC was able to field them today.
So tired today that my brain continued to spin like a whirligig when I finally laid down in bed. Ouch and ouch.
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Struggling with massive disappointment today. We thought we’d get to see a family member who we’ve been missing deeply next week. After 2+ years of being super careful, we got our hopes up. Then COVID got them. I am still steeped in denial that they will be well enough (aka test negative) in time for a visit but I may need to start making my peace with yet another disappointment and a refresh of my fury over how people not giving a damn about this pandemic has deprived us YET AGAIN of the company of a loved one.
ā why you should have a duck š¦ (@shouldhaveaduck) July 6, 2022
Year 3, Day 119: We had a lot going on yesterday and Smol didn’t get to sleep until very very late. I was sure this would lead to a disastrous sleep but they were out cold until 8 am. Yay!
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I’ve been struggling with sewing. After making several zipper pouches in various sizes that I really like, I’ve hit a wall. I suspect my creative engine went on hiatus and writing this is my way of actively making myself be ok with the pause. It’s ok to wait until my brain and body are in sync and ready to take on the learning process for another set of projects.
When I have a longer stretch of time between looming deadlines, I’d like to make a set of packing cubes using the fabrics that I have on hand. I know mesh tops would be useful but I’m inclined to fiddle with (and yell at) mesh yet. I’m thinking of making each of us a large cube with a different cotton fabric top “lid” piece for each person. We are all sharing one packing cube set now and we’re going to outgrow that really soon. I’m studying these two tutorials in hopes that the process will start making more sense before I get started. If you have a good tutorial, I’d love to see it!
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There’s some irony in the fact that I recognized Andrea Bocelli’s “Time to say Goodbye” on Sesame Street from another room because my mom really liked his music. Sending her to his concert was one of the few gifts I was ever able to give her as an adult.
Is it irony? Or is it just a heart twinge?
A group of people were chased by two Sea Lions at a beach in the La Jolla area of San Diego. Lifeguards were on standby in the water ensuring no one was hurt and the sea lions could easily make their way. It’s recommended people stay at least 50 ft away from sea lions. š¹: Charli pic.twitter.com/KUhLVns8H7
ā Malik Earnest (@MalikEarnest) July 10, 2022
1. It cost an arm and a leg but I’m so very glad that we did get the backyard renovated when we did. We didn’t do anything fancy, we just made it less of a jungle and more of a safe outdoor place for all the dogs and kids to hang out. They make their own fun: finding the sunbeams, finding ways to make a mess, raking the potato plants unnecessarily.
Year 3, Day 108: Alas. We had ONE good sleep night, Saturday, and it made Sunday feel 100x better than an average day. It was too much to hope for a second solid sleep like that but 5 wake-ups in the night is too much! Like a dang boomerang.
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Anyway, I didn’t want to jinx us by recording the immediate post-vax reaction but now that we’re 72 hours out, it seems reasonably safe to report the short term: Smol Acrobat seems to be taking Dose 1 very well. They hardly noticed the actual needle, which is unusual, and they didn’t seem to have any side effects. No fever, fatigue, aches. Side effects to Moderna are expected to last a couple days so I think we’re through the woods on that part.
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Gas is currently $6.06/gal. Just stating that for posterity’s sake.
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We’re not celebrating this national holiday. We’re very tired humans. And we’re humans who are very tired of this country being a place that is controlled by the Christian right and tells most of us we’re second class or lower, that we don’t deserve to live happy healthy lives unless it’s within specifically drawn out lines of “acceptability” and says that it’s ok that children are slaughtered in schools as long as they can have their guns. This is not and has never been a great place. It could be so much better. But will it?
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A little girl in my street has a very old pug with severe arthritis. Today I saw her gently strap him into a baby stroller & wait for the postie so they could chase after it, running & laughing as the pup barked like hell. You know, just in case you forgot what love means. š
ā Alison Nicolson-Rae (@Nicolsonraea) July 4, 2022
1. I had one semi good parenting moment this week (month/year). JB sat and talked to me about an incident they didn’t feel good about and didn’t want to tell anyone else about.
I haven’t felt like a present or good enough parent in a really long time and I have deeply worried that that would affect their trust in me. Hell, it eroded my trust in me! But I suppose I was working from a lot less self trust to begin with.
2. We ran into a handful of old daycare friends this week and it was quite nice catching up with them.
3. Smol Acrobat’s willingness to wave goodbye to friends we know and love but they haven’t quite yet embraced was purchased with three snacks.
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
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Dividend income. We received $270 in dividends from the stocks portfolio.
Year 3, Day 101: 530 am wake up. Our sleep experiment has been a shambles since we’ve all (except PiC) caught JB’s virus (not COVID). We couldn’t, in good conscience, cut short Smol’s daytime naps when they are trying to recover from this bug. And really, I’m just barely holding on myself. I need those longer breaks.
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I’m surprised I hadn’t mentioned some of these things but in hindsight I shouldn’t be. Last week was full of managing sick children, PiC’s work overload (lots of people are going off on vacation in his department so he’s covering double digit projects), the soul punch that was SCOTUS overturning Roe v Wade. I got sick too, so I could barely think. This week’s post will catch up on the big important things.
I spent every day since June 15th stalking the sites for Smol’s vax. The earliest I could get a slot was for last Friday which we had to reschedule to this week because they were feverish on the day. The first replacement appointment we could get was a week out. Deepest of sighs. I had to get my booster when I was sick and it was absolutely terrible so we don’t want to put Smol through the same wringer.
Year 3 of COVID in the Bay Area.
