Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (49)
May 10, 2021
Year 2 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 2, Day 50: After three extra terrible nights in a row, my anxiety had been steadily ramping up so that I was wound tight anticipating a fourth bad night and bad nights forever. It was a rough lot of months before we found a way to switch off. But! PiC caught a “good” night of sleep with Smol! They slept four hours, woke up for half an hour, and slept another four! Their morning started at 530 but that’s just shy of miraculous for us. I am working on breathing through my expectations and hopes that fuel the anxiety that crops up whenever we’re caught in a series (but not a useful pattern we can address) of bad nights.
We’re also coming to the end of our time with the Snoo so that’s contributing to my anxiety about the tools we have to cope.
Of course the trade off seems to be losing the good blocks of napping we had during the day last week.
I know these are all phases but in the thick of each tough one, it’s hard to push out from reacting and just be. I’m working on it.
Sadly, despite actually getting a few hours of sleep, my pain is much higher today. What’s that about? Does it seem “safe” to have pain when sleep is possible? How is that logical, body? Or maybe this is the anxiety backlash manifesting.
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The afternoon brought something unexpected. A friend sent some Lily’s (sugar replacement) peanut butter cups! I haven’t been able to get to the one store that carries them for a few months so this was a delightful surprise. JB has been trying to convince me to like surprises better than I have for years and this kind of thing does help change my deeply ingrained habit of expecting terrible things when I’m surprised. Long time readers will remember that there was a long period of terrible surprises with my Mom’s poor health. Car accident after car accident after blackout dental emergency after getting lost after blackout after a stroke after …. you get the picture. Surprises, historically, have been BAD.
Year 2, Day 51: Some news out of Pfizer today: if all goes well, the younger set down to age 2 may have a vaccine by the fall. This has set off a whole lot of mixed feelings.
I want to see the people I want to see. I don’t want to be rushed into a whirlwind of make up activities. We’ve already gotten a birthday party invitation for an outdoor meet up and though I love the people inviting us, my first feeling was a sinking feeling.
I want childcare but I don’t want to socialize much more than we do now. One meeting a week plus a couple video calls is enough.
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Urge to scream rising. Is this burnout? Probably. Does it matter? Nope. There’s nothing we can do about the things causing that burnout right now. AUGHHHHH.
I know the usual advice is to take a break but any little break I take makes me extra antsy to just quit entirely.
For now, today, I will remind myself not to seek a dopamine hit by way of JETPENS, and just breathe through the mini pity party I’m hosting for myself. That dopamine hit can be for another time when I can consciously choose a treat and enjoy both the choice and the eventual selections. I love stationery things so much.
It was like pulling teeth but I wrote some Mother’s Day cards and might even be in time to get them in the mail.
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Breathing through the discomfort worked. I found a neutral emotional setting. We ordered in falafel and schwarma for dinner so we could just enjoy a food and not fuss about cooking and clean-up. The baby took a decent afternoon nap. I didn’t get all my work done but I caught up a respectable amount so I am not going to think about it again tonight. I needed to reset my equilibrium and not trying to shut out the negative feelings helped them pass through.
Year 2, Day 52: The shopping from a box goodies are still making JB’s day. They’re wearing another new to them item that’s 1.5 sizes too big but that’s fine. They’re having fun with it and, really, their philosophy on wearing the fancy dress stuff on any day because every day is a fancy day has some merit.
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Most of JB’s schedule this week was cleared because all their tutors had personal issues. We only had two out of four Spanish lessons, their superhero fitness class is on hiatus, their tutor and their ballet teacher both have health issues to tend to. It’s left them with more free time than they had during Spring Break! We’ve been managing ok with giving them a mix of totally free time to do as they wish, some outdoor time with one of us walking the dog, some unsupervised backyard time, and some “play with your baby” time. It’s not great but I am, on principle, in favor of them having some unscheduled days like this. Just …maybe not a full week at once next time?
We are super thankful to aunties and uncles who make time to have playdate calls with them, though. Again and again I bless those beloved family who choose not to have kids but still enjoy spending time with mine. They help our world keep turning.
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We’ve been discussing how we’re going to deal with Smol’s continued horror show of sleep. A friend has recommended a sleep consultant that they used, I’ve done some research separately into some sleep consultants. We’re slowly working out a plan for ourselves but we may also need to get some help. We didn’t get any with JB but we also were in far less demanding jobs, with Seamus instead of Sera and didn’t have a 6 year old running around needing parenting in a pandemic. Help is not a bad thing, I tell myself over and over.
Year 2, Day 53: My wrist has been tender and painful for two weeks now. Just an observation. I’m practicing the habit of noticing but not winding myself up about it. I long ago learned to punish myself emotionally, deeply and intensely, for my body’s “failings” and I’m still working to undo that reflex. It did me no good and there’s no reason to keep holding on to it.
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I came off a short four hour sleep session last night expecting to feel like a pair of beat up old shoes. Strangely, though I didn’t feel GOOD, I also didn’t feel the expected dragging fatigue that’s sidelined me most days last week from venturing past our front door. I decided that if I didn’t feel horrible, it was as good a time as any to take all the kids out for a long walk, so we did!
Year 2, Day 54: Conundrum. Smol Acrobat LOVES hanging out with JB. JB LOVES hanging out with Smol Acrobat. The reasons they love hanging out are because JB loves singing and dancing and making loud obnoxious to parents noises for SA and SA absolutely cackles with the joy of it.
But it scrapes layers off our brains.Ā HOW DO WE TOLERATE THIS. I think we have to if we want work time.
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I have turned into my mother. I can down a full glass of water without taking a breath. 30 years ago, I used to sip like a tiny butterfly.
I hope you find a way to accept help with Smol. You’re miserable, baby is miserable, it’s okay to not have the answers and ask someone who does this professionally. Just think – if it helps, you’ll have been suffering extra for no good reason! And if it doesn’t, you’ll at least know you tried!
And (I guess I’m feeling directive today) if socializing is too much, lean on that baby for your excuse. What’s the point of a tiny creature who upends your life, if you can’t at least use them to get out of social things you’re just not ready for?
Truly, I hope things move into a better space for you all. Big, hygenic, tender, socially distanced hugs for you.
I will – I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s ok to ask for help and not do it all by ourselves. It makes it easier to accept when it’s not just for me, it’s for all of us. Which is pretty silly, isn’t it?
And I LOVE that suggestion. The baby needs to earn their keep one way or another š
Thank you for consistently sharing your thoughts here, it brightens up the place š
Your post gave me unpleasant flashbacks to the baby years with my kids. Both were terrible sleepers (genetic issue, where we all have very small ear canals, and infants get a TON of ear infections, & can’t sleep, and they can’t have ear tubes put in until one year old). Because of the age of our kids (surprise 13 months apart), we didn’t get a full night’s sleep for 2+ years. As soon as they had ear tubes, it was like a magical switch had been turned, and the pressure was relieved in their ears, and they could sleep. I had Nick’s done on his first birthday (terrible mother), and M had to be out of town, but I really couldn’t care – I needed sleep that desperately.
We occasionally also begged my amazing parents to watch the kids at their house or ours, and we’d go to a hotel & just sleep as a “vacation”. I also believe this is what triggered my lupus.
Apologies for the novel, but you have all of my sympathy. I know it’s unhelpful in the moment to assure you it gets better. (Parenting teens has its own unique & difficult challenges, but I’m doing it largely well rested, and that makes all of the difference.)
I’d hire a sleep consultant in a heart beat, if I were you. So much of your overall health is tied to how well rested you are, and giving your body a chance to renew & regenerate while you’re sleeping. Do not consider a sleeping coach a frivolous parenting expense. It’s an investment in your long term health & well being.
Hugs to you.
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Oh dear, sorry for the flashbacks! There’s a reason there was such a long gap between the two kids, it was really rough with JB too but not for any medical reason. My kids just apparently hate sleeping >< I'd definitely believe that was a strong trigger for your lupus. Our bodies react badly to sleep deprivation and stress š No apologies necessary! I appreciate your time and your willingness to share. Somehow it does help this time around to hear that it's going to get better. I think it's because I can actually believe it this time.