Living in the time of pandemic: COVID-19 (198)
March 18, 2024
Year 4 of COVID in the Bay Area.
Year 4, Day 349: A Monday after a time change plus almost a full night of insomnia as I try to fight off Smol’s virus: things could be better.
Insomnia meant that I got to give Libby a try, though, so no ill wind or whatever that saying is. I finished a book of short stories. I don’t love the interface. I don’t hate it either. I like the principle of being able to read an ebook without using Kindle in my attempts to move away from that environment but I’ve hated Kobo’s reader app. I still use it because I’d started buying some of my collections at Kobo, but find the reading experience sticky and aggravating.
A tired Smol Acrobat was mildly cooperative about sitting down to dinner (literally, the sitting down part) but was disappointed we would not (could not) grant their request: can we have a call (A PTA meeting)? We just had one, kiddo.
Year 4, Day 350: Gloom gloom drippy gloom this morning kept everyone glued to their beds well past time. We had to hustle to get JB to school before the last bell so naturally the moods turned sour when JB couldn’t get my ok for getting breakfast at school and their homework checked in the ten minutes we had before hitting the road. Ah well. Mornings are tough.
The kids do karaokes (kar-a-ok-kahs, not the singing kar-a-oh-kee) as part of their PE warm ups and I started doing them when walking Sera. I look as silly as anything but it gets my heart rate up and, for the short distance we normally walk, that’s a small good thing. My knees don’t always agree. But.
My people avoidance continues. We had to grab takeout today and I’d forgotten to order online before like normal. I gritted my teeth and resolved to stand in line and order at the counter like normal people do. We got into the long line and I whipped out my phone and placed the order. By the time the people previously behind us in line placed their orders, ours was being packed. I feel both sheepish and vindicated. But every minute counts? I weakly defend myself since I worked until 11 pm so I could stay awake and take Sera 🐶 for her last walk of the night. And then we start all over again at 7 am. *Flop*
Year 4, Day 351: Rough night for Smol, I had to soothe them from 11-1130 pm, then again from 420-645 am. I was half conscious for the latter. Couldn’t sleep but couldn’t fully wake. Normally PiC takes all the nights but he deserves a break plus he was getting up for the 6 am registration for the kids. It’s hard getting them into the local swim classes but they’re so significantly less expensive than private that it’s worth the pain and effort.
Another set of karaokes for my morningest walk with Sera 🐶. When the kids do them, they’re going at speed, practically flying. It’s almost balletic. Not so for me, progressing up and down the street slowly and clunkily! But so far it gives me the muscles working feeling of a run without the PEM that often follows an attempt to run. Win, I think? We’ll see if the muscle aches pass in a reasonable amount of time.
A customer snarked that they’d appreciate more understanding for their busy schedule and more polite communication because they weren’t being fraudy on purpose. I caught my negative response spiral and reminded myself that just because they didn’t like being told no, doesn’t mean that I was in the wrong for being very clear about the reasons for the no since I’d already explained them in detail just a week ago. I hate how a comment like that, even unwarranted, can knock my emotional equilibrium out of whack. I’m proactively telling myself that a) Just because their feelings got hurt that I was blunt and to the point doesn’t mean I was wrong (especially since I had already explained the exact same thing last week). b) I can do other things instead of dwell on the feeling of being insulted. Managed to redirect the RSD almost entirely! New win for me!
Plus the CWC sent out an update and shared this adorable fawn they’re caring for.
Year 4, Day 352: Observing some complex feelings about money: I have been giving a chunk of cash every week to folks I “know” who ran out of money for the past few weeks or months. I don’t dwell on how much if cash flow still flows. Then I look at something like this and think “oh, like that necklace is cool, but I can’t afford that. It’d be nice if it didn’t feel like it had to be a choice between one or the other but for now, I always choose “friends having food or housing” over getting a pretty. I don’t mind, it’s just an observation.
I also have that “I haven’t given enough” feeling, “people need so much more”. That bashes up against my “we don’t have nearly enough for us to retire safely in 7 years” feeling which is constantly jostling for space again my “what about just doing the best you can for a while and attempting to achieve some balance right now which may mean taking longer to retire??” feelings. I still act allergic to the idea of pulling back the intensity of our savings, especially now when we’re doing well enough to save AND still live comfortably. It feels like taking our good fortune for granted NOT to make hay while the sun shines, y’know? Anyway. That’s just what’s bouncing around my skull.
Year 4, Day 353: It’s official, the layoffs that have been going around and around PiC’s company are going to hit his department anytime starting in two weeks from now through the end of this summer. That’s all we know and that’s doing my heartburn no good. I’ve done up a quick and dirty adjustment to our budget assuming that we lose PiC’s income, benefits, and access to the daycare. I wonder if they’re hurting for money enough to let us stay … no, probably not. The budget balances ok on just my salary if I cut out his income, all our weekly savings, and the cost of daycare. A little ironic that just yesterday I was balancing my feelings. Today it’s the budget. Life! Sure does come at you fast.
It was a hell of a busy day yesterday: meeting after meeting after meeting after crisis after meeting. While I was drowning in all of it, PiC plotted all the plans needed to make it possible for me to take a few hours to have dinner with an old friend on very little notice and I’m so grateful. The last time I went out on my own just for a fun thing was … five years ago? Seven? I honestly can’t remember. I really needed that reprieve. It was a quiet night and bolstered me enough to take the possible layoff news with more calm than I would normally have had.
Today was my day to pay the piper between the hard day yesterday and the hard news this morning. HIGH pain hit me with very little fanfare. I wrapped up in heating pads to try and combat the pain, didn’t even think to take pain meds for several hours because historically they don’t really do much, and settled in to catch up on that pile of work left from last night, catch up on laundry a little more, and try not to leak involuntary tears when my muscles screech. Oof. They burn like I ran a marathon.
What’s really awful is when the person you gave money to buys the thing you denied yourself because you gave money to them instead of buying it for yourself. I don’t have a solution to that. I guess that’s why we don’t give money to individuals when it means sacrificing for ourselves anymore, only when we can afford to not care that they bought the game system DH had been planning to buy.
Good luck with everything!
nicoleandmaggie recently posted…Foot Update #2
Yeah, that would really bother me. I only give directly to people who need it for essentials as much as I’m able to suss that that is the case. I don’t really feel like I’m sacrificing anything where we are right now so that part is sort of balanced for now. I know that direct aid is more impactful in some ways for people who can’t access help through programs, but there is a lot of trust involved.
Doing a lot of deep breathing around here.
It’s nice to know that you CAN make it if PIC isn’t working for a while, and I imagine the reduced hustle around the morning commute might even feel a little nice. Nevertheless I hope he rides it out with minimal impact to your household.
I am working on setting a percentage of my income that I will allocate to giving, because I need to step it up. Perhaps for you if you have a set percentage it will help you know you are doing what you are able (and I fully imagine you’ll find ways to scoop out other dollars to give).
I never heard of that kind of karaoke – how confusing! – but I’m going to give it a try in my living room.
I think if my job was in a more stable period, weathering a period of one job-one income wouldn’t be the worst thing. Buuut we are officially in a period of uncertainty with my job now too. I’m having to evaluate after 12-18 months. My second to next worst case scenario: both of us involuntarily out of work while the kids are still young and our savings not yet ready for us to stay that way. (The worst would involve death, the next to worst involves illness.) Well phew, put that way, it’s a little bit better perspective.
The thing that I would be saddest about is losing daycare where Smol Acrobat’s one friend goes. They aren’t good at making friends and I would hate to lose the progress they have made.
The percentage thing is a good idea! Either a percentage or a set number could work.
LMK how you feel after you try the legs-type-karaoke 🙂
I find it immensely frustrating how easy it is to knock my physical- followed by mental- equilibrium out of whack, and how much mental effort it takes to feel semi-okay, so lots of sympathy. (Recently I got sick and didn’t go to the gym for two weeks and then I couldn’t sleep because I hadn’t exercised so then everything hurt and then I had an emotional breakdown about doing all the mental labor in my household…)
Jenny F Scientist recently posted…Five Minute Blogging
It’s alarming how quickly it can all pile up and how much longer it takes to undo the damage!
Layoffs hurt, even when it’s not your head on the chopping block. 🙁 My husband is too essential to be laid off, but I still get that fist-in-the-gut sensation whenever we hear that yet another coworker or department has gotten the ax.
I’m seconding Bethh’s suggestion to try a % amount for giving. We do and it definitely helps ward off the guilt gremlins. Money you choose to give away today is good but just plain gone, while any money you save today can always be given away later (with interest!) if you CAN still work in 7 years. So you’re just self-insuring against disability, not Scrooge McDucking it.
Same. It’s bad for morale and often bad for the people remaining. It’s now the era of creeping dread because April is around the corner and the axe has been thirsty, we don’t know how badly it’ll chop up his department 😔
I might start with a set number for the moment between Sera’s very expensive needs right now and the possible layoff, and I can plan to transition to a percentage when things are more stable 🤞
It’s true, I need to be sure that we’ll be ok seven+ years from now as much as I need to help people now.